This is a really hard time of year for me.
Anniversary 31 Jan
dday (2 year) 9 Feb
Valentine's 14 Feb
I know a day is just a day but with all the Valentine's ads in my face it's more like a season than a day, you know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
H works from home and has been REALLY busy the last couple of weeks. Worked weekends, on the computer early, on until very late - past 11 at night some nights. Since his was a long distance EA, all this computer time at this time of year makes me kind of edgy. To put it mildly.
I've had a couple of sleepless nights recently and last night was a full blown panic attack. I did something I haven't done in *months*... I checked his "sent" folder in his email. Nothing untoward.
Our MC has warned me that I need to tell H when something bothers me. I let it fester, and I brood, and H is left wondering what I'm upset about. And of course H's imagination is a zillion times worse than reality. And of course I'm a zillion times more upset than the situation actually warrants. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
So, I told H about last night. It took some courage because although I've been given permission to look at the list of emails, I was told (in April '03) explicitly NOT to read the contents of his emails because it's an invasion of privacy. H has historically been prone to angry outbursts and DJs when receiving this kind of news, too.
When I told H, he just listened to me calmly and quietly. No defensiveness at all. I told him I hadn't read any of the mails, just looked at the list. He said that doesn't matter, that if I like, I can read any of his emails. I asked him what changed, and he said he's decided that MY peace of mind is more important than HIS "principals". Besides, his own stupidity is what put us where we are today.
THEN he offered to install keyboard-capture software on his PC if it would make me feel safer. This is another thing I asked for back in April but got turned down on. I am close to tears now thinking of how much this degree of understanding (TWO YEARS after dday) means to me.
And there's more! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Monday, we were reading in "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and we're about to get to where Harley discusses the various ENs one by one. Harley asks "What is the one thing your spouse could do for you that would make you feel loved?" (or make massive deposits, or something like that - I forget the exact phrasing).
I told my H two things (I coudln't decide) and one of them was tell me when he feels love for me or thinks I'm pretty, and let me know explicitly why. Was there something I did, something I said, the way I smell, the way the light hit my face, what? Be specific.
Yesterday I was sitting in a chair and he came by and kissed the top of my head and told me "Your hair is *so* shiny." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
We have still got a huge MOUNTAIN of stuff to work through, but I think we may really and truly be on the journey this time. I'm kind of scared to get my hopes up, for fear of jinxing it, but WOW isn't this grand? I had to share.
