BTW, This is my first posting.

Here is the story, married for almost 10 years, two kids, and a good life. D-day happened about a year ago when I found out about the relationship with OM who is single. No sex, just long-distance relationship, but they have met a few times...it was supposedly just a friend for a while, and then turned into more. E-mail, IM, and cell phone conversations almost daily. I confronted my wife about it and said that it had to end, which it got better but never ended. D-day number 2 happened a few weeks ago. She is now going to weekly therapy, but there have still been contacts with the OM. Supposedly it is ending, and I really want to believe her. I want this to move forward and am trying to work incredibly hard to fight through my own pain, which is severe, and make it work.

My problem is that I realize she needs me to meet the emotional needs that were missing for her, and I want to work towards doing that for her and us. My problem is I feel like I should not have to work so hard since I have done nothing wrong, and I feel like I cannot move forward with giving her those feelings, until there is closure to the relationship. How can I get true closure when I have been deceived for so long? What can I do? I am at the point of ambivalence, not caring about anything right now. She tells me I need to just believe her and take it day by day, but each day I feel like we grow even more apart.

I appreciate any help that any of you can provide.

Sorry you are here, but I'm glad you're posting. Wish it were for better circumstances...

Sounds like you have to decide whether you want this marriage or not, because by not meeting her needs and not filling her lovebank, you will most likely lose her.

It's not fair...we're the ones cheated on, and then we have to turn around and kiss their butts? But an A does not just happen without something happening (or not happening). How have you gotten here? What was the state of your marriage before, and what is your hope for the marriage after?

Your W probably has found another person to meet some of her most important emotional needs. If you were to begin to fulfill those needs she would no longer need him! And by fulfilling her needs you open the door for her to begin fulfilling your needs (eventually) and for a greater and deeper love to ensue! That is the reward.

thank you for your help.

What you say is right...I know that!...it is just so damn hard. I feel betrayed and like I should be the one who receives the deposits, but I know that I have to make the effort.

BTW, the marriage was pretty good, and always has been, but I tend to keep my emotions inside. I have changed a lot since this has happened and we talk now more than ever. But she tells me that the A is almost like an addiction, and she needs time to move past it. My problem is there have been months since D-day, and I don't have a lot of time left to wait for this to end so that I can move on.

I know you are right, and will try, but if I am hurt again, I feel like it will be the end of the relationship. And this is something that I have said to her. I hope it does not seem like a demand.

Thanks again, I don't have anyone to talk to since I am completely embarassed by this, and do not want my friends and neighbors to know about it. I appreciate your reply.

It is like an addiction, and let's look at it this way. If she were addicted to crack would you sit by as she went out smoking? Or if she were an alcoholic would you watch her drink?

Ask her to end it completely, and ask for a N/C letter. Both of you work out ways that she can take precautions against contacting the OM (changing number, email address, etc)

This is key, ask her for it, help her with it, but don't force her. If she says no, don't lovebust, fulfill her needs. I know, your Taker is jumping up and down, and it is so hard to swallow the hurt (you've probably swallowed too much as it is). Let her know how you feel.

Talk with people...tell people about the A. Don't keep it a secret. A's thrive in secrecy. Does the OM have a significant other? Tell her especially, you'd want to know.

Have you read much from the site? There is some great stuff on here...and some great stories. Folks in different stages of finding out and recovery.

After she ends it with the OM it will be a tough time, she will go through withdrawal (hence creating precautions so in a weak moment she doesn't reach out to him again). And true recovery begins after N/C.

Have you considered MC? How about counseling with the Harley's? How about IC? And many folks on here get put on anti-depressants for awhile until their life settles down.