I need some help - I had an EMA a few of them over the past few months. Husband found out, agreed to forgive and move on. Well I know that it hasn't been easy for him and I've not strayed anymore. Thing is that I don't know if I can stay this way. This must mean that I don't love him right? How could I claim to love someone but not try to make this up to him? I live life as usual. I expect him to forgive and move on. I know it's not easy but at that same time, I still want to go out and do what I want to do. I don't want him tagging along watching me. I've been married a long long time, I have 2 kids - I just don't know how I feel anymore. The money part of it is the worst fear, can I live on my own?
I just don't know what to do anymore - I know I don't wish him harm and I don't want to fight with him - I just can't give him the love and affection he needs right now to recover. Why can't I ?
How do you know when you don't love someone anymore?

Any advice?

DoI,

Let's start with the simple stuff. How long have you been married? What are the ages of your children? Has anything traumatic happened to you or H in the last year or so? Death in the family, illness, loss of job, that sort of stuff.

First, step I would strongly recommend is counseling. While you are setting that up, read the articles on this site. Then buy yourself a copy of Surviving an Affair, by Harley. Read it.

Why all of the reading? Well, before you can make any decisions you need to figure out what is driving this rather sudden burst of infidelity and rebellion against your marriage. It may have little or nothing to do with your H, although you may be blaming him.

So do the reading and start to look inward.

Oh! one final question. Were you abused as a child, sexually or otherwise? If so, then there are some posters here that can really help you and guide you.

I am sure others will post to you, but post your basic information and answer what you can. Then get to reading, asking questions, and getting set up with counseling. I suspect that love for your H is NOT the issue, but I could be wrong. So speak up and let the folks here see what they can do to offer you some guidance.

God Bless,

JL

We all learn from a very young age that we want to feel happy, and we don't want to feel guilty, ashamed, or sad. People go to great extremes not to feel these feelings (drinking, drugging, distractions).

You are beginning to feel the consequences of your actions and it is not pleasant. You want to run away from these bad feelings, but where would you run to? And won't these feelings just follow you? Or you would feel worse?

These bad feelings will go away as you begin to rebuild your M, and there is the promise of an even better M.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Some fact - sorry I should of posted them
I've been with hubby for 19 years - since I was 14
Married for 13 - 2 kids 11 & 4
I lost tons of weight and my self esteem has gone through the roof - getting lots of attention and I love it. I just feel like I've done the married thing, now I want the single life. I know I have kids that I should think about - but is going around and around fighting with hubby any beter?
I wasn't abused as a child but I wasn't told that I was loved. I long to feel attention and constant love. I've started theraphy and that's what we are going to work on. I just don't kow when it's all said and done if I want it to work, if I love him enough to be married anymore. I just want to be free of him. I want my kids and love them but not so sure I can go on any longer being married

What do you think?

DoI,

Short answer. I think you are 30 something year old woman, going through changes. I think you will find that screwing everything with pants on will NOT make you happy, but it may kill you with a disease.

I strongly feel that the fights with Hubby has more to do with you trying to prove you shouldn't be married to him, than with anything he is doing right now. He knows about your affairs and he wants to forgive you and rebuild the marriage.

I think you don't know what you have or what you are about to lose. Please stay in counseling and get a good one, not just a "feel good" shrink that will tell you what you want to hear.

You have issues and you need to address them BEFORE you make any decisions to: leave your H, leave your family, go off messing with other men. You chances of being happy are virtually NONE until you sort yourself out.

By the way, if you think your H is enjoying all of this, you are nuts. But, he is staying for very very deep reasons. I know you don't appreciate them, but you be aware that they are there and they are unique.

Finally, you are alreay hurting your children. A divorce will hurt them even more. If you do decide to leave H for the party life, do your children a favor and let your H have them full time and just come and visit.

I am being pretty direct here, but I think you already know these answers but you are hoping someone will say: "Sure go for it, you owe it to yourself to do this no matter the cost." You won't hear that here.

So please do the reading, do the counseling, and cut your H some slack. You have treated him like no human should be treated with complete disrespect.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Go over to the recovery section and read KiwiJ's post there. You will recognize some things in her post I think.

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> I think you will find that screwing everything with pants on will NOT make you happy, but it may kill you with a disease.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the guy has his pants on she may not end up getting any diseases, but it will probably be very uncomfortable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

DoI, just a suggestion. Do you and your hubby get away once in a while without children and just have fun together like when you were dating? Maybe the problem isn't you wanting to be single, but you just want to be a fun-loving adults.

If you are married and unhappy with your life, it is easy to conclude you are unhappy with your spouse. I actually had the opposite problem with my first marriage-I was happy with my life, so I thought I had a happy marriage with verbally abusive XH, until he turned physically abusive and I tossed him out. But that doesn't seem to be your problem.

So maybe you need to do some thinking about why your life isn't working, and broaden your view to include reasons other than things that are wrong with your hubby. As someone else suggested, maybe you just need to have more fun with your husband. Maybe you need to think about career goals, or life goals. If the problem isn't your hubby, ditching him is going to leave you with more problems, not fewer.