Is it healthy for a married couple where the husband has had an affair to agree to never speak of the affair again??

A week or so ago I asked my husband if there were any lies he has told me between DDay and now that he wanted to tell me the truth about, he said there were no new revelations. I wanted him to tell me more about the physical end of his affair and he refuses to tell me any more than he already has. He is still sticking with his story that he never had intercourse with the OP (other pig as I see it).

I am so sick, physically sick, about this affair that I have resigned myself that I will never get the entire truth from him. Ever. He is deny 'til you die. Whatever. The OP has told me a lot about their affir and it does include sexual intercourse.

So, I told my husband that I don't ever want to speak of his affair again. We are separated (not my idea at all) and I am still doing Plan A as much as I can. However, it is so hard to Plan A when you live in separate places.

My husband told me 2 days ago that although we have been having a great time together lately (lots of SF, affection, admiration and honesty from me), it is just sex for him and his feelings about not wanting to be with me haven't changed. He said we were just 2 people getting together to get our "groove on" and eat dinner. WTF?? I was so hurt by that statement and I told him so.

So, what would someone suggest that I do? Keep the Plan A going full force and still give him SF? I almost feel like a whore with my own husband because of what he said. I will do whatever it takes to win back my husband so we can make our marriage great like it once was.

I appreciate any advice.

PS - We are going to a boat show tomorrow afternoon and then having lunch. I can't wait to see him. I made him cookies this afternoon and I am going to make him banana bread in the morning before I see him. He likes snacks late at night when he gets home from work. I think this is another form of affection (cooking for someone when you know they like treats). Anyone agree?

Hi ICNAFM,

First off,NO.It is not healthy to never speak of an A after one has been had.It should be open for discussion at any time the BS feels a need to explore hurtful feelings if there is to be any true recovery.Red Flag#1.

Is your WH supposedly in NC with this OW or what's the deal here? I am suspicious.Like Dr.Harley suggested in his SAA book,when a person asks for a separation,it is most likely because they want to continue their A in secret.This was true for my WH.Red flag#2.

You should reasses your Plan A and think about Plan B soon if your WH continues to treat you like this.His comments do not coincide with those of a H that cares about you emotionally so he may still be in an A whether it is an EA +/or PA.You may have to do some snooping if he is trying to cover his tracks.Remember,a S that is actively involved in an A will lie right to your FACE.SO,I would be wary of his "admittance" to there not being any new revelations and his *refusal to tell you anymore than he already has.Hmm. Red Flag#3.

Whatever you do,don't go into DENIAL and pretend that things are better than they are or you are in for a long emotional haul.

Lastly and maybe this is also Red Flag#4,if this situation doesn't FEEL right to you,trust your instincts.I did and mine have been VERY accurate all along.Some may not agree,but I do believe in a womans'/persons' "intuition".

O

Yes, it is nice to have treats for your hubby. And the boat show, we have one here in Michigan. Are you in Michigan?

As far as him not giving you anymore details of his affair, the sexual part, that is not being honest with you in disclosing information that you should have. He is hiding information from you, and if I were you, I would suggest counseling. You should know exactly what went on, and how. Yeah, he didn't have intercourse, like my husband said, but my XH did the Bill Clinton thingy. Believe me, they did everything else possible. Mine did.

Also, you should not be a doormat. They need to know that you are an individual person that has feelings and a life too. Do not become a doormat at all, that is what happened to me, I was almost willing to do anything, and counseling and the Harleys opened me up that I was becoming a doormat, while my H at the time was still lieing to me. Which the Harleys realized too. Hon, this is going to be hard.

I am divorced, cause my XH wanted the divorce, and I am moving ahead. Slowly, but surely. I at this point in my life don't trust men, I believe they are all out to get you in bed. My XH got his other woman in bed, and the other woman got my H at that time in bed too.

Also, remember you are sooo... vulnerable. I was, and latched on to anything that would comfort me. For I couldn't eat, couldn't drink, couldn't sleep. I was a mess for a good year, and lost weight and became very depressed. The wayward spouse will play you and play you to see how much they can get from you. Remember, that you need to set boundaries. I was told the same, and didn't and that was a mistake.

Good luck in your cookie and banana bread making.

"First off,NO.It is not healthy to never speak of an A after one has been had.It should be open for discussion at any time the BS feels a need to explore hurtful feelings if there is to be any true recovery.Red Flag#1."

Thank you. I knew it wasn't healthy but I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. I wonder if not speaking of it on agreement from both the WH & BS makes it easier to move on??


"Is your WH supposedly in NC with this OW or what's the deal here? I am suspicious.Like Dr.Harley suggested in his SAA book,when a person asks for a separation,it is most likely because they want to continue their A in secret.This was true for my WH.Red flag#2."

Yes, the are in NC. They work together and are on opposite shifts. Actually, she hates him because he has denied any sexual involvement with her when they were discovered because she put her relationship with her fiance on the line and told him "everything" and when my husband was confronted by OP's fiance and her, he made her feel like a total whore denying they were inimate.


"You should reasses your Plan A and think about Plan B soon if your WH continues to treat you like this.His comments do not coincide with those of a H that cares about you emotionally so he may still be in an A whether it is an EA +/or PA.You may have to do some snooping if he is trying to cover his tracks.Remember,a S that is actively involved in an A will lie right to your FACE.SO,I would be wary of his "admittance" to there not being any new revelations and his *refusal to tell you anymore than he already has.Hmm. Red Flag#3."

I have snooped until the cows come home and I am positive he isn't still involved with her or anyone else for that matter. I was always a believer in actions speaking louder than words and thought my husband was starting to come around to thinking about some sort of reconciliation in the future. I still have hope for this.


"Whatever you do,don't go into DENIAL and pretend that things are better than they are or you are in for a long emotional haul."

I don't think I am in denial. I thought I was being very positive and optimistic. I thought for sure if I keep doing Plan A he will come around and see how *wonderful* I really am (LOL) and he will see what he will be missing if he files for D.


"Lastly and maybe this is also Red Flag#4,if this situation doesn't FEEL right to you,trust your instincts.I did and mine have been VERY accurate all along.Some may not agree,but I do believe in a womans'/persons' "intuition"."


I believe in our "intuition" also. My intuition tells me I know my husband better than anyone and know he will come back if I give him some space and keep being this wonderful, perky, sex starved woman who can't get enough of him. I really am all of those anyway, so he should benefit. I just worry my intuition will fail me now.

Thanks for your quick reply. I appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions.


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Hon, read this message by Carol and how she got her husband back and see if her ideas just might work for you!
Love, Julie

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1

DAG NABIT!! I just spent a long time posting another response,a good one too and I lost it! ARGH!

I'm too tired now to rewrite it.I may get a chance tomorrow.Sorry.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


O

Thanks for all of your opinions. Keep 'em coming!

For Faith - No, we aren't in Michigan. I am really looking forward to the boat show today. I bought a new red velour warm up suit that looks good and is very comfortable and I can wear with sneakers. The last time we went to this boat show I wore jeans and loafers and I *****ed the entire time how bad my feet and back hurt from walking around the convention center's concrete floors. I am not going to make that same mistake again because it is a major LB for him. I told him I was going to wear sneakers just because of last time's drama. We are then going out to lunch/dinner at a restaurant we like located in the hotel where we had our wedding reception and spent our wedding night. The hotel and convention center are attached. The hotel is a sentimental place for us. Maybe this visit to the area will spark "something"?? Who knows??

I love Carol's post about what she did to eventually win her husband back. I would love to try that on my husband but it would backfire. My husband's career leaves him no patience for games and he is highly suspicious of anything that doesn't add up. He also loves to interrogate stories that he doesn't feel is quite right or believable. He knows I would NEVER date or even think about going anywhere/doing anything while being a married woman.

How can one woman love a man who has betrayed her so damn much? How come it has taken him going to someone else for me to love him even more?

I would sell my soul to have a chance to make things right and for him to give our marriage another chance. Isn't it ironic that I was the one who was betrayed in the worst way and it is ME that had to move out of our home? Isn't it ironic that he betrayed me and it is me who is begging for his forgiveness? I feel it is my fault that he felt so bad about himself that he needed to go out and cheat with the biggest whore in his department to make him feel "better about himself"? WTF??????

I am so angry that I am the only loser in this entire situation. The OP and her fiance are together still, working on their problems together and now having a baby. She was 7 weeks pregnant on December 22nd and I questioned who the father is. My husband flipped out when I asked him why didn't he tell me she was pregnant and he said it had nothing to do with me and him. WTF? He thought I knew and wasn't mentioning it. Bull. He wanted me to call her and ask her myself. I tried to call her and got her voicemail. My girlfriend who works with both of them said they had tests done already to see who the father was. I say that's another load of crap. How can you test paternity of a 7 week (would've been even younger when tests were supposedly performed) old fetus?

Also, this whore also had sex with other men at their work. Married and single men. I told her fiance about some men I knew for sure of and they were some names he didn't even know about. This couple came to our wedding and my bridal shower. I want nothing more than her to suffer worse than anyone and I will make sure it happens if it is the last thing I ever do in my life.

So, getting back to me being the ultimate loser in this terrible situation called my life, they win because they are staying together and he forgives her. My husband wins because he kicked ME out of our home and now he gets to live their alone and not have to "answer" to me. I know I am feeling sorry for myself but don't I have the right to?? My life wasn't supposed to be this way. These unmarried sluts are pregnant when it should be my husband and me sharing the joys of pregnancy and parenthood right now.

I am sorry once again for the ramble but I have absolutely noone to talk to. Well, we have been going to IC since December and he sees us separately right now. My husband told me the other night he thinks he is going to stop going. I didn't ask him why because I know he thinks it is a waste of time. Oh well.

Is it just me or are my feelings truly justified?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you. I knew it wasn't healthy but I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. I wonder if not speaking of it on agreement from both the WH & BS makes it easier to move on??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, sure it'd make it easier to move on. Like when you have a compound fracture in your leg and you agree not to speak about it so you can run track the next day.

You guys will need to discuss the A, and the parts each of you played in it, and how you got to that point, and how you will avoid the same mistake in the future. Otherwise you're just looking the other way and the problems continue beneath the surface. In the long run it does no one any good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband told me the other night he thinks he is going to stop going. I didn't ask him why because I know he thinks it is a waste of time. Oh well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask him. And when he says it is a waste of time, find out why.
- Does this counselor rub him the wrong way; does he want to find a different counselor?
- Is he just "too uncomfortable" discussing problems so he wants to ignore it all? Are you satisfied with this kind of marriage (many people are)?

Most WS go through a period where they just want to drop the whole thing, pretend it didn't happen, forget it, and "move on". But everyone here says you can't "move on" without discussing it, and my own history sadly bears that out.

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