I don't know your story in full but if I were you I would have a few talks (it takes more than one talk for a 5 year old to remember and understand) with your D and let her know that under NO circumstances is she to go with ANYONE besides (people you both know and trust) and let her know about stranger danger and tell her that you will NEVER send ANYONE besides so-nso to pick her up. Also make sure the scholl knows that she is NEVER to released to ANYONE besides a certain group of people and reiterate this to her teacher periodically if necessary! Do you have a restraining order against this person? If your situation warrents one, then get one! If you have to - tell the school and teacher about the situation! There is no such thing as being overly cautious when it comes to your baby!! Besides these things should be established anyway if your D will be at school by herself ( no older brothers or sisters to look after her). Good luck !!

Jazzey...

the time is at hand not for to decide if you are IN recovery...time to decide if you WANT recovery....

AND if you WANT recovery and believe and or have faith in the marriage builder principles...then the time is at hand for YOU to start to follow them...

Your husband wants recovery....
he's not perfect in it...NO ONE IS
and you're not perfect...
and I'm not perfect...(but you already knew that one... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

There are BS on this board that would give their heart to hear 1/10 the sorryfullness you husband has...
and this by no way means he is doing everything correctly...BUT you must decide what you want..

you are either his wife or his punisher..
for you can not be both...

THIS post is the exact thing that should be worked out together...
WITH OUT!!! the disrepectful judgements!!!!!!!!

It scares me because my H had played house with the two of them
I almost fell over when I read that LB disrepectful judgement..

he can not change the past
you can not change the past...
you have to decide that you are willing to work at getting past this WITHOUT putting it in his face every chance you get..

you sabotage and sabotage and sabotage....

the OW is out of his life...and here you are pulling and bringing her back in...

Both of you need to discuss this..
decide the seriousness of the risk and work out a plan...

my daughter goes to kindergarten...
the doors are locked from the outside...
only way in is main door...must sign in etc etc etc...
she is not allowed to leave without being signed out...
the exit of the bus is 10 feet from the entrance with the driver watching them...
make buddys with an older student and ask them to just see she gets in...
somehow my Gracie charmed a sixth grade girl who watches out for her....find a buddy like that without making it a huge drama deal..

this is not to deny your concerns...this is the exact type of issue the two of need to learn to address and work out together as a team and a two grown adults...


discuss the reality of threats...make a plan and then GET STARTED on with your recovery....

simplest answer...you and he drive and pick her up yourselves....

It is certainly your right to decide not to get over the affair...

but if you decide differently then live and act differently...
change your approach
change your attitude
change your focus...

decide that people can and do change all the time and move towards the goal of re-creating a marriage better than ever...

I believe that you two can overcome this...
I believe that you both live and do the things you do because it is habitual and known to you...
I read where you relate to the wife of the Dr. Phil family...
the wife is wrong....
she is responsible for her actions REGARDLESS of what her husband does or does not do..
and so are you...
if there is name calling do not let it come from your mouth..


we each play a role in the creation of some of the misery in our lives...
we often make things much harder than they have to be...
both of you hurt and are in so much pain...that it is heartbreaking...

take control of your role...in this...

life is not fair...
never has been never will be...
there are worse things to happen in our lives than a FORMER WS turned remorseful...

make your choice jazzey...
know that I believe you can do this..
I believe you will be happier choosing...

ARK

Jazzy I don't think you are being overly cautious at all! This woman tried to kill your husband??? Was she charged? Did she do any time for this? No one knows how unstable this person is still even if she is out of your H's life. I agree you and your H should handle this together but I still think you should have those talk with your daughter! Finding another older student who rides the same bus to be her buddy is a VERY good idea!!

Like I said I don't know your whole story but I believe if you are THIS worried about her safety you should take any necessary steps to protect her! Ok maybe you don't need to tell the scholl about the situation but it won't hurt expressing your concern to them. Have you told your H of your concern? Does he acknowledge your feelings or dismiss them? If you two are working on getting back on track, I don't see why it would harm your recovery to tell him this concern. This way you two could do whatever necessary to make sure nothing does happen and then you can breathe a little bit easier.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> THIS post is the exact thing that should be worked out together... WITH OUT!!! the disrepectful judgements!!!!!!!!

"It scares me because my H had played house with the two of them"

I almost fell over when I read that LB disrepectful judgement..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jazzey:

I must not have interpreted your post the same way ARK did! Are you expressing a "disrepectful judgement" or were you stating an emotionally-wrenching fact in an overly casual way for the sake of brevity? I think that if, in fact, you have legitimate cause to worry about the safety of your daughter, then it is reasonable for you to do so. However, this worry for your daughter's well-being is a burden of your husband's making. Discuss with him your fears in a non-accusatory way (careful not to LB!) and explain that the two of you will have to take extra precautions to ensure HER safety and YOUR comfort. If that means making a schedule to drop her off at school yourselves (rather than trusting the bus driver, a teacher or another child to be her watchdog) or putting her in a private school or one parent staying home to home school her... then so be it. Decide what you are both most comfortable with and what is doable on a practical level and do it.

At the very least, you and your H should speak to your D TOGETHER to explain that she is not to speak to or ride in the car with ANYONE other than Mommy & Daddy - not even a "friend of the family."

I can't imagine the XOW taking revenge on your H through his innocent D, but if the woman is certifiably wacko with a history of irrational behavior... well, then... better safe than sorry, I guess?

Best of luck!

J

Parents share their concerns with school administrators all the time. Have you done that at your daughter's school? I would think that there must be some adult(s) present at the time when the busses are loaded(that is the way it is in CA). It isn't your place to have to make the arrangements for your daughter it is the school's responsibility. Request that an adult sees to it that she boards the bus each day. In light of your concern I do not see this as an unreasonable request. I also think that school officials would listen to your appeal for your daughter to attened a school closer to your home inspite of the "focus school" waiting line. You have a right to have "peace of mind" when your child is at school as well as going to and returning from the school.
H

the disrrepectful judgement obviously is my opinion is the my husband played house...aspect...

NOTHING to do with her comfort level about her daughter...
she can do with that anything she feels she needs to do...and certainly should...

I in my opinion don't see much good in presenting the issue as saying things like
my husband played house with...

what's done is done...in respect to your husband being able to move on and change from the person that played house...
but not if you keep putting that in his face...

not taking the daughter issue lightly at all..
do see your ONE comment as a jab at him...but that's only my opinion..
and if you and think that is a good way to communicate about the F-OW issues using such verbage......
so be it...

ark

<small>[ February 09, 2004, 06:16 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Ark,

I appreciate your concern, but I have not taken my W's statements as jabs or disrespectful statements. She had already talked to me about the issue.

I too am cautious of the situation. The X-OW smashed out the windows in one of our cars and then tried to run me down in the street and kill me, all of which took place 3 months after the A ended. I don't know what else she may be capable of. Like my W said, we don't know if she is plotting and planning or if she is going to leave me and my family alone, for good.

For those following this,

I called and talked to the principal at the school and she went over the policies and procedures that they strictly follow. I talked to my W and we ended up enrolling her at that school for now. The proncipal reassured us that they have had to deal with this type of things in the past and they have had no problems. They said that it is not uncommon for noncustodial parents to be "watched out for" to make sure they don't try to pick up their children when they aren't supposed to. They also are strict about releasing children to only people listed by us. I even asked if there could be a "buddy" who rides the same bus who is older and could help look out for our d. She said that could be arranged a week or 2 before school starts.

Has anyone out there heard of things like this happening, where an X-OW has tried to take a child? Is there anyway that she could actually do it, or does it sound like it would be impossible? Thanks for the help.

I Love My Pookey forever and ever