I have to file for separation because WH is thinking of retiring and OW wants him to move with her to Arizona. He will get retirement plus a bonus of $25,000.

So I went to lawyer Thursday to file for separation.

This weekend I have been thinking it over. I have decided that I should file for divorce. The main reason is to end the impasse I've been in. If I file for separation, my H still does not have to give me any money, pay anything on our home that is in his name (I have paid all bills since July). He still will have his whole check to blow on OW.

The other reasons are that I think I have had enough. I caught him again Thursday in bed with OW. This makes 12 times.

Also he completely abandoned me, emotionally, physically, and financially. I have been cut off from everyone in his family. They side with him. I have raised his kids for the last 15 years.

Today his son, who I have always taken care of, bought a car for, and have been best friends with, had a baby shower for his wife. I was not invited. WH's ex-wife was invited and my step-son's drug addict mother was invited.

On top of that my dad is dying of prostate cancer that has spread to the spine and leg. When WH's mom was sick, we spent every weekend for 18 months with her. Now that I need support H is too busy with OW.

WH says we had a good marriage, and I am more "his speed" than OW. She has cheated on her H 3 times, and left her daughter to be with my WH. She has never worked outside the home. Her H has always worked several jobs so that she can stay home.

I know that this relationship will never work out for them. However, I have had it. I am tired of the disrespect. I have lost too much. I think I am done, and it's time for divorce.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>
The other reasons are that I think I have had enough. I caught him again Thursday in bed with OW. This makes 12 times.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Care to share the gory detail of how you caught him so many times? Your H must be very incompetent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

doorstop -
I caught him over and over and he still denied it. He came back at the end of December and wanted to reconcile. Luckily everyone here told me not to let him move back in.

Two days later, I had gone to the drugstore with a friend. Upon coming home, I noticed that OW was gone from her house. So I started praying. I said please Lord if there is something I need to know, please guide me to WH's house. I knew the general area where he lived - about a 10 mile radius. I drove around for about 10 minutes.

All of a sudden I saw his truck, and OW's car was parked in front of the house. I knocked on door and his roommate let me in. I walked up stairs and knocked on bedroom door. I said "Larry- this is your wife. He said he would be out in a minute. I told him forget it, you big liar.

Last week WH left me a letter that he was going crazy and would like to talk to me in person. So the next day, I went to Trader Joe's. On the way home, I decided to go by WH's house to get the address, so I could forward his mail. He was supposed to be at work.

Well I drove by and his truck was there and OW's car. So I did a repeat performance, knocked on door, roommate answered, I went up to his room and H and OW were having sex. I knocked on door and told H, "Larry, it is your wife, you said you wanted to talk in person, and here I am."

So this is how the last two D-days happened. But now I am through.

Your husband has a h**l of a roommate! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WH came over tonight and it was horrible. I showed him this post, and he said it was all lies.

He said he wants to save our marriage, and OW is out of the picture again. I am getting so tired of this. I told him he was with OW 3 days ago. He said that she is now gone.

I told him that in 2 days she will be back. He said that is because I keep turning him away. There is no talking to him like a normal person. He keeps accusing me of not trying to save our marriage. GRRRRRR.

Hey...i thought you are supposed to be in Plan B??? Why are you still talking to him?

Stop talking to him. If he wants to reconcile...ask him to write a letter to you. That is what i will ask my WH if he ever sees the light of day again.

I am trying to stay in Plan B. He keeps showing up. I don't trust anything he says. He will have to take action. He wants to move back in and then work on marriage. I told him OW has to be gone and he needs to go to MC or make appointment with the Harleys.

We go around and around on this. He always says OW is gone, then a couple days later she is back. I really think we will end up divorced.

I know, back to Plan B.

Believer,
It's easy for him to end Plan B. I was listening to some tapes on discipline and the therapist said, "The mouth is not an instrument of discipline."

Why file for divorce? You don't want a divorce. If you go ahead with a divorce, he can say you were the one who ended the marriage after all. File for legal separation and then lay out for him what he needs to do to rebuild the marriage.

It has to be more than his mouth saying what you want to hear.

zizzy - I know I need to stop talking to him. I know I need to get into Plan B again. I know I need to follow MB program. I just have to do it.

broken h&a- You are right. If I file for D, he will say he tried and I'm the one that wanted it. So now I'm going to somehow get back in Plan B. It worked so well for me. By the way how is your recovery going?

Prepare for a legal separation -- put your financial records in order, save all receipts, etc. You'll know when you need to act, but be ready to act. Dr. Phil's new family (Tuesdays) has a wife who has had three affairs in five years and who had a child by the last affair partner. Dr. Phil told the husband that he needs to convey the message to his wife: Treat me with dignity or not at all.

Thanks for asking about my recovery. It is going well. I will not allow myself to be treated without dignity. I will say that H also seems to be interested in repairing the M. We are supposed to spend 15 hours/week together in enjoyable activities. Last week, it was 11 hours. Not bad...

I have let go of him. If he goes through the MB program (guaranteed to work if you go through it), great. If not, I'm on with my own life. I cannot control his choices, only my own.

broken h&a-

You are doing so well. I'm glad. I have gotten strong enough where nothing he does upsets me like it used to. I have not been unhappy lately.

But I still let him engage me when I'm in Plan B. He says all of the right things, but does nothing.

For example:

NC with OW, he always claims he has done it, but I constantly find out otherwise.

Counseling - He is always on the verge of doing it, but never does it. This has been going on since July, and now he finally has the name of a counselor.

And there are tons more. It's just talk, talk, talk.

So I am FINALLY seeing this. Thanks guys. You only had to tell me 1,000 times, but now I get it.

I am listening to some tapes on disciplining kids. The therapist says, "The mouth is not an instrument of discipline." He can con you with words, so why have any actions?

I joined a group called DivorceCare. I am not separated and not divorced. It is Christian-based and very welcoming of me and very encouraging for people who are in the process of divorcing or not quite there. Might be a good outlet for you....