<small>[ February 09, 2004, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: the lost cause ]</small>

There is lots of hope for you and your marriage. Keep reading information here about having a good marriage. If you follow the plan, it can be better than ever.

This program has been saving marriages for 30 years and really works. Have you stopped seeing the other woman? That is critical to rebuilding your marriage.

Hi TLC,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyway, the more I read, the more I think there is nothing I can do and the best thing I could tell her is to get as far away from me as she can.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This makes me think you've been reading about Serial Cheaters? I read some of that thread last week...

They dont say Serial Cheaters CANT change, just that most WONT, because they DONT WANT TO. And if they do want to change, it takes work and TIME... Do you have it in you to commit to that much TIME & WORK?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been the unfaithful husband (sorry I don't know the short hand) on many occasions before now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was this always The Plan?. Did you marry with the intention of always having some extra on the side? Do you believe in monogamy? Do you believe you could be monogamous?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that nothing will ever be the same again, is it fair to put her through this?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That depends... did you think it was good, before? Many here say, YES, the old marriage is DEAD... but that's OK (in a weird way) because the OLD Marriage was the one where all the mistakes were made, where the conditions were soooo bad that all this A (affair) stuff was allowed to thrive.

Many dont want the old marriage back. I'm thinking your W might agree.

So... what are you up for? - Dru

The Lost Cause,
I hope for your sake that your W (wife) doesn't figure out your pen name. She'll know that you followed her here to read her posts and minipulate the situation. You should have come here to read everything in sight so that you could hopefully change yourself and save your M (marriage).

Go to the main page and read Harley's principles. Find out what you need to do to work on your M. The NC (no contact) letter.

It sounded as though you've had multiple (A's)affairs. Although not impossible the multitude of A's can make recovery more difficult.

It also depends on how long the A's lasted. Was their emotional attachment? Just physical? Did you ever move out to be with the other woman (OW)?

I would suggest marriage counseling (MC) asap.

cwmac

Oh,now we can't read the post.I wonder if it's my WH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

O

Nope... It was mine.
He told me he'd been seeing the MB website in the computer's history and had checked it out. He asked me if I posted here and I said yes. He asked what my screen name was and I didn't tell him. I figured he'd figure it out by reading some of the posts. Our story is very unique.

When I got home from work tonight he told me he tried to post and share some of his feelings but he was getting attacked so he deleted his post.

I asked what kind of information he posted and realized he didn't give much information. I told him that, from my experience, people on this forum are only too willing to help but they have to have accurate information.

Anyway... he greeted me with the fact that he doesn't think our situation has any hope. Isn't that just what I wanted to hear after a long day at work?!

Thanks anyway, for posting to this thread. He may or may not come back to read it. At least if he does, he'll know my screen name. You'd think that would be incentive enough!

Ok, comeon, the Lost cause... You've GOT to have thicker skin that that!

Believer gave a welcome, I asked some questions. Cwmac said shame on you for backdooring your W... but basically, not any attacking...

Not one person called you a SOB... I hope you come back - Dru

I haven't left. I just don't know what "No Contact" is.
Bottom line is my wife knows I'm here and I would never think of not telling her or trying to manipulate the situation. I had my last affair something like 6 years ago, actually I think it may have been longer. Shamefully, I've never had any emotional attatchment to anyone other than my wife. It seems that when I did this it would have more to do with it than sex. My therapist or counselor, whatever says it's not about that either. I don't know what to believe anymore other than I really am the lost cause. All I wanted to know is, is there hope? I haven't felt so bad in all my life. It feels, hopeless. I don't necesarily believe that it is hopeless, but it sure feels that way a lot now a days.
My wife asks me what I was thinking then and I honestly can't remember. I know it was me, but it feels so far away, I just don't know.

Since your affair was 6 years ago, why is the problem in your marriage surfacing now?

There is always HOPE, no marriage is beyond HOPE especially if BOTH partners are wanting to heal their marriage and find the love they had in the beginning of their relationship!

It you and your wife once had it , it can absolutely be re-vived!
Love, Julie

Dr. Harley has a video clip on the website about how it's important for couples to fall in love again...you fell in love once, you can fall in love again.

Read articles on the website...whatever strikes your fancy. Get some of his books His Needs/Her Needs or Fall in Love Stay in Love...very good books, and spell out a REAL plan for falling in love again...

LC,

NC (no contact) means you no longer talk to anyone you had an affair with. So I believe you are in NC mode, right?

The As are old news to you and so much put behind you because the last one was so long ago. It is understandable because it is old news for you. But it is new news to your W and you now have to go back there with her cuz that is where she is right now, you have to go back in time and rescue her. You have to love her and love her and love her. You have to listen to her pain, experience it with her so she can let it go and heal. You have to answer ALL her questions as best you can.

She has to work at it too. She has to want to get past it and it sounds like she really does. You have to give her time and love.

Yes there is hope. there is always hope. Miracles are happening here everyday. I have seen so much since I started posting last dec. You see, I am a WS, I have not told my H yet. (We leave for a family vacation on thurs to disney world. the plan is to tell him after that.) I broke it off with the OP last Nov. It was the toughest thing I ever did and it took a really long time. The entire A lasted 2 1/2 years. Although more of that time was spent trying to break away from it than being in it. I wish i had found this place sooner. but i found it now and i do have hope again. I never thought it would be possible.

you have found it now too. and you are here with your wife. there are miracles happening here. feel the hope, it is all around you.

Hi TLC, MAXLO... Can you take a look??

NC = No Contact. 1st rule of MB is you must get rid of the OW (other woman). Since this happened years ago, I guess she is totally out of the picture? Good. POJA is the Policy of Joint Agreement. Please go to the Concepts part of this site, and read everything!
POJA: Policy of Joint Agreement

I'm glad you came back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . So, your question: Is there hope... Hope for what? What specifically has you so down?

Have you given up on YOU, YOUR WIFE, or YOUR MARRIAGE?

OK, I found her posts cindy's story

You JUST dropped a heck of a bomb on the woman... I would not give up on this too soon. She hasnt had time to process all of this.

There is sooo much going on... are you two in MC? I'd say for the bestest chance of recovery, you guys MUST find a good MC (marriage councelor) asap. Even if you two dont make it, you want to give it the best shot, dont you? And IC, I'd think, for both of you, too.

We need MAXLO... she found out last year (?)her H had many affairs, back in the 70's. She and her H have recovered nicely. I'm not saying she's 100% right now... but if you want HOPE... you can take that from her story. But to your question, Yes, you can recover, it can be better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems that when I did this it would have more to do with it than sex. My therapist or counselor, whatever says it's not about that either. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A's have little to do with sex, sometimes... it can be entitlement, revenge, selfishness... many reasons. Thank you for trying - Dru