< I'm a mom now >

What kind of nonsense is that?

Haven't you folks heard of adoption?

What a silly reason for an affair.

My WW called this evening,under the guise of discussing the final walk through of the house her parents bought here.We are going to do the final walk through for them because they live in Cali. It is being done on tuesday the 17th. Which is the day after our 13th anniversary.

The main reason she called is she was wanting to know if I had signed the D papers.Asking why I haven't.Why I'm delaying the inevitable.She can't do a name change,get new bank account,etc. until I do. She also sound perturbed. I called my MIL after and she told me they talked earlier and she heard kids in the background. The conversation didn't get nasty between me and WW.Cuz I mentioned my counseling session on monday and I talked about progress on her blazer.
I asked for a couple weeks.Because I wanted to take one thing at a time.

I'm having a tough time stalling.Cuz S.H. wanted me to impress upon her the fact that all options were not pursued.Well I know I'm not supposed to do things based on emotion.But,I know my WW.She will just get mean eventually.Even though I have it in me not to LB no problem.

After I hung up with WW.I realized that I sounded depressed.Shoulda sounded happy.She asked what I was doing also.

Will my stalling put pressure on the relationship with OM? Probably.My WW has a serious stubborn streak.Once she gets it in her mind to do something it will be done.Right or wrong.

She said"I'll see you Sunday." Probably not.She'll sneak in and out like always.

I too think about Serenity.Good place to be.

the last time we went through this we went and filed the paperwork.I seemed to impress her with the idea that I was moving on, which looking back may have seem to draw her to me.Don't know for sure about that.

These next couple of days will be hard for her. One it is our anniversary.Two she was told she miscarried on our anniversary last year. Now she will have to do something with me on tuesday.
They also will be hard for me for those same reasons,plus I'm going to counseling on Mon.

Adoption wasn't talked about between us seriously. I never asked her where she was at with it.I just remember answering someone to that quetion with her present that "I wasn't ready." I don't know this to be fact but since we have filed for D so many times I doubt an adoption agency would even consider us.This will make it 3X, 4 if you count the one I cancelled in Jan.

Would radical honesty apply here? If she does bring the dog by with me home and ask about the papers as to when I'll sign.Should I repeat what I said in a previous email about my struggling because I believe there are options? Last night I told her I wanted a couple of weeks to take one step at a time.First is the counseling I'm in.Or should I just be vague and "foggish". Just stalling.

The previous 2X with just doing the filing seemed to bring finality to the situation. Though this one seems to be growing into something different. Yet with some of the same reasons for her to be in the A. To me they are the same.Intamacy,SF,passion,romance.She did say before she moved out that sex was good with me. Just that she felt like it was a job.She obviously didn't "feel" like having it.

Another rough week ahead.Just when I was feeling good.I feel like I'm in limbo here.Praying to God for guidance.I seemed to have a path but now I have two.Sign and continue to meet EN's with the limited contact.Which seems to be shrinking. Or not sign and drive her to be angry,while trying to meet EN's.

Nothing new as of yet today.Wonder if I'll see her today. Kinda lost and confused still. I see it as fight or flee.

Brett -

If you don't want the divorce, stall. Talk to her in fogtalk. Tell her that you are learning all kinds of things, that you are on the brink of a new life, that you need to "find yourself".

Tell her you want to be sure to do the right thing, but you are confused right now. Say that you are working on so many issues that you don't want to add one more.

Say you want to "follow your heart", but right now you are not up to it.

You are excellent with words. I know that you can do this in a way that will not make her mad.

And in a sense, it is all true. You are going through lots of changes. It is still too soon for you.

Thank you for the encouraging words!

Yes I am good with words. Written words. I've never been able to talk as well as I write.My mouth and my brain have never had the connection my hands and brain have.But the thoughts and feelings are the same.

Well then, write her a note.

Well she called and had me come pick our dog up where she lives. She didn't want me to actually come to her apt. But meet her at the office. They must be co-habitating already.No mention of the D papers.I told her I had our taxes done,just needed to check them over before I get her to sign.She said let her know.

She had a ring on her wedding finger too. It had a big stone,light purple in color. It matches the belly ring she got around Christmas. Must be a set from OM.Of course I had my wedding band on. I saw her eyes look but she said nothing. I gave her a quick one armed hug before I left and said good to see ya. I said something about our tuesday walk through on her folks house as she walked away.She turned around and she had a strained look on her face,she quickly put on her happy mask.Hmmm.

She also said that our dog didn't eat her food for the whole 3 days.She said we need to do something different.I had asked her what does she mean.Figuring she'd either want her or I just to keep the dog.But she said week on week off kind of arrangement. Could be for the dog, but I also think seeing me is part of it too.
The dog has it figured out.Cuz when I got home she stood by her empty dish until I filled it.She wolfed a whole bowl down and a couple hours later bugged me for more.Poor dog.I know I'm trying to put a human personality there. But she is just about the most human dog I know.

We'll see what counseling does to/for me tomorrow. She doesn't compare to the Harley's,but my insurance picks up some of this.

Keep plowing along. Write her and stall divorce.

I know exactly what you mean about the dog. Ours had separation anxiety when H left. It drove me crazy to see her in such pain. H has her now and she is happy.

I will write her if she brings it up again.I asked for a couple of weeks.We'll see how much she gives.

I've got a counseling session this a.m. She is going to dig and its going to hurt.I've gotta unlock that door in the dungeon and free those rusty hinges and let the stinking, filthy memories go.

I wish I could be saying "Happy Anniversary honey" this morning instead of all this b.s.
wow,that chokes me up.talk at ya later.

br, You are a few months ahead of where I appear to be going as an unwilling participant in the end of my marriage. I feel for you.

The advice you are getting seems to be the best that can be done. If she is going to come to her senses then dragging out the divorce will make sense.

I can't help but notice that once these women make up their mind to end a marriage it seems like they become quite fixed in that conviction.

So far the advice here and from S.H. has been good. Just hard to follow. Especially when I'm torn between fight and flee. I just keep "chipping away".

I had a great counseling session today. God works in mysterious ways. I didn't have a good feeling about this counselor due to the fact she was telling me to flee. So I prayed for continued guidance for me and for my counselor. As it turns out she can't work with my insurance. I've got great coverage the first 8 sessions are free. As long as they are "in network". So since she can't work with me she referred me to someone who can. But she still did a session with me today and it was empowering.Hmmmmmm, Gods hands at work me thinks.We shall see. This guy must be popular,I can't get in for two weeks.

I talked to WW about the walk through tomorrow on her parents house. Got to talk to her on our anniversary even. I left her a voice mail about the time we are to be at the house. She actually made it a point to call me back. She asked how my counseling session went.
I told her it was great. She said she was glad to hear that. I made mention that I had problems after she had said something about me being a great guy.She said we all have problems.I also told her that,get this cuz it is good, "I found these counseling sessions to be an awakening, it was like I've been in a coma for such a long time." This was followed by dead silence on the other end of the phone. It had its desired effect. I could feel it.I know her that well. Desired effect or not, it holds a very heavy weight of truth in that statement. I feel a bit free-ur today.

For all those who read this and find inspiration that there is a lightening of the heart in pain, believe it.Because it can only come from God and continued prayer for healing and guidance. Now, I am human, the pain will be back with a vengeance. But I know that I'll find my serenity again and again, until it is all that I feel. If my WW is there with me someday, I will be made whole again. If she isn't I will still be whole, because I have my faith in God where it shoulda been all along.

Brett -

You are doing fine. I hope you will stay with the MB program.

Just keep stalling on the D, I think you can do this.

The walk through went fine without a hitch. We seemed to have a good time doing it together too. No, I'm not reading to much into it. She is still deep in the fog.That ring with the purple stone on her wedding finger is evidence of that.My gold wedding band is still on my finger.

She thanked me for being there.Like I did it for her or something.I was there because I wanted to do it for my inlaws.They mean a bunch to me.

They actually considered letting WW live in the new house until they do in two years.I expressed my objection to that.I got through to my father inlaw as to my thinking.He agreed.I did make it clear that I had no right telling them what to do with their house,I just didn't think it would be good to let WW move in.She wanted out of this house so let her live in the apartment. The OM and kids would follow her to the house if she did. It is a beautiful and big house.They don't deserve a free ride.

Hmmm. Went snooping in WW email and came across a draft of the four things email.It turns out I rated 3 out of 4 not just 2.She omitted the third in her final email to me.Gee I wonder why?!?! To refresh here is her wish list;

1.friendship(likes same music,cars,doing the same stuff together)
2.Security(knowing that the future is somewhat secure)
3.Great Sex.....the email I got called this sexual desire....
4.Intimacy(a soulful connection, knowing that you will never do anything to hurt this person,being able to look into their eyes for hours and just know that they are thinking,and feeling, a burning desire to be physically intimate with them)

She "only" had the first 3 with me. And I now know that the 4th is FOGTALK!! The 4th one in this draft is also worded differently this one clearly shows this is all about LUST! Never hurt this person b.s. Unless she deals with her problems that cause her to be an adulteress it will repeat.Or better yet he'll cheat on her.

Not much else going on,just wanted to share.My snooping.Is this considered "do not spy" as in the 180 list?

Brett -

All fogtalk, it makes me sick. Stay in Plan A. She doesn't know the mess she is getting into.

WW came over today to pick up our dog.She signed the tax forms.She didn't ask about D papers,guess she is giving me the 2 weeks.

She seemed to be in a "mood" today. At least that is how it sounded on the phone.But when she actually showed up at the house she seemed ok with her attitude towards me.

I showed her the new lights I put up in the garage and the progress I've made on "her" Camaro.

Guess she had a conversation with her mother this evening.Her mom told her not to expect them to accept anything right now and not to push anything on them. Guess WW mentioned that she was happy and why couldn't they be happy for her.
WW wanted OM to install blinds in the new house. But her dad said no. I know that the 180 list says not to enlist help from family,so I am careful about my words that I chose. After I talk to them I feel like I was steering them my way anyhow.It is probably wrong of me.But Father in law is on my side and sees it as I do. It won't change.I've known them for 14 yrs. they see this as a bad thing for their daughter.

I pray for their guidance as well.

Oh yeah,I had "serenity" playing in the garage when WW was over.I told her it was my new theme song.She also made it a point to see where my seat was for the concert for the Metallica/Godsmack show.Guess she wanted to know so that her and her man won't bump into me. Wish I knew someone that was a real looker that I could take with me so it would drive her nuts if she saw.

Doing o.k. today. Hey believer you out there?

Feel kind of stagnant today. No contact from WW since wed. p.m. I haven't felt like sending an email. She will be bringing dog by on Sunday.
My next counseling session isn't until March 2nd. I'm doing things for myself but no contact with her is tough. Gives her all kinds of latitude with this A. Her Mom gave her something to think about during their last conversation. So I kind of feel like I should give her the room this week. She'll probably hit me up for D papers on sunday.

I don't feel crappy today just in limbo.