This is my 3rd day in Plan B.

He SMS twice on the first day. None on the second day which made me very sad. But he surprised me with one just now. He finally received his exam papers. Passed two papers and failed one. I sooooo wanted to reply telling him i am here to support him. I wanted to say don't give up and that he can take the test again and this time he can pass it...blah blah blah But i cannot say any of that because I AM IN PLAN B!

He ever told me that what he feels for OW is the same feeling he had for me during the beginning of our relationship. He is a decent guy you know. This is his first ever infidelity.

If he ask to reconcile, i am going to ask him that if he feels that he is going to cheat on me again then we better go different ways. I am going to ask for that.

I did when we decided to get married. I told him then that i have seen all the cheating by other husband and told him if he cannot commit to me totaly than we better off go our separate ways before we get married. He said there is no way he will ever cheat on me!!!

So i am going to ask that again. I was 27 years when i ask that. How ironic that i am now 37 and
10 years later i am going to ask the same question again. I think it is importatant to ask that because i don't want 10 years down the road he does it again. By then i will be 47!!! If we do reconcile i am going to do MB by the book which i hope will ensure no more Affairs happening to me in future.

What are the thoughts that goes on in the head of a WS during separation or plan B??? I wonder.

I do miss him a lot, wayward, stranger, lying scum, monster and all. I do miss him.


Female age 37 WS-age 37
Known 18 years Married 9 years
DD age 5
OW - 20/unmarried
8/sep/03 - Dday
22/sep/03 - Dday & expose to family & friends
17/0ct/03 - Dday
29/Dec/03 - Dday & Told him to move out.
15/1/04 - Plan A
23/1/04 - Expose A at Office
6/2/04 Expose A to OW parents
8/2/04 Plan B

Zizzy,

It sounds like your doing all the asking and work but HE/WH is the one that should be doing the work and making changes in *his life that will prevent this from happening again.

Ask not:"Will you ever cheat on me again?" but these questions:

What will you do if a woman expresses an interest in you?

What will you do if a woman asks you to go to lunch?

What will you do if you start to develop "feelings" for someone of the opposite sex?

What will you do for me to feel safe in our relationship when you are out there on your own in the world?

See,your WH needs to have a PLAN of action when he finds himself in certain situations that are CONDUCIVE to affairs.He needs to be able *recognize these situations and learn how he can remove himself from "temptation".

There was a post that a woman made here a while ago that was great,it was a list of what her WH would do as a reminder to himself to acknowledge a "trigger" or "temptation",deal with it appropriately and move on.I wish I could remember who it was but you get the general idea no doubt.

Of course,this is all dependant upon WH coming back to your M,I hope he will soon.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Okay...he passed to my maid, two boxes of chocolate, a white gold ring and an ornament of roses and wish me happy valentine. I still have not spoken to him or have i seen him since 6 days ago.

WHAT DO I DO NOW????!!! Please give opinion.

This has melted me a bit but i don't want false hope. I don't want to break Plan B...

I need to know what to do? Continue to Plan B or ?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi ziggy

Well it still is early days for you. It is all to easy to melt and get blown away with a gesture and thought from WS but it is still early days. He has yet to prove to you that he wants to build on your M and that will take time. Even though you are in Plan B you could text him a thank you (that's it nothing else) out of politeness. Don't rush into anything make sure you stay in control.

Zizzy-

Stop that right now. Stay in Plan B. He needs to see how life will be without you.

I know you want to encourage him about his exams, but don't. Also NC about the Valentine's Day presents.

I forget, did you write him a NC letter? If so, stick to it. Plan B will help you, so stay with it. I know, because I have fallen off the Plan B wagon so many times.

Believer I was only saying to say thank you. Is it not rude to not do so. Ziggy will still be in plan b. If he sees it as an encourage and calls she can politely say it doesn't change how she feels and refer to her plan b letter can she not? I don't know it was just a suggestion.

Well everybody, I am an EXPERT on this - actually an expert on what not to do.

Over the last 6 months I have been in Plan B. However I've had some big slips. The total time I have had contact with H is less than 20 hours. So that is not bad over a 6 month period.

However, each time I have contact with him, he goes back to OW, leaving me more and more resentful. Also it took me a month to get back into Plan B after the last contact. And I almost let him move back in.

So my advice is stick to Plan B and do it by the book.

Okay believer i believe you...i am going to stick to Plan B like a glue...i want my husband back...if plan B aka total darkness will get him back so be it...i won't even say thank you if it takes that!

He text message me just now to explain the gift. I have not reply either. Was very tempting but i keep remembering...it is not the gifts that i want. I want him to tell me the affair has ended and he is ready to give NC and work with me to build the marriage. More than anything that is what i want to hear from him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

In my experience, Plan B brings them back like a boomerang. Sometimes it takes many months, sometimes not. But if they have not met requirements of Plan B letter, they are liable to fly away again, just like they flew back.

Point taken believer

I too was horrible at Plan B, but I have read on here that there are times when you don't want to be completely dark. He is reaching out, and it could be helpful to give him some sort of encouragement or at least let him know you received the gifts. A simple text message "thank you" would be appropriate.

He is trying to pull you back into the cake eating scheme...you and OW at the same time. You can let him know you are still there, but going on with your life...

You do what feels right to you...there are no textbook cases.

I am speaking from my experience soley.

Even though you are in Plan B.
Not even saying a thank you for the gifts would likely (IMHO) give your H the assumption that you don't care at all about them. Giving him the impression that you don't want to have ANYTHING to do with him at all.
WS's have a strange way of thinking while in the midst of an A.

I can't claim to know much about your situation as I haven't been here in a while, but it's just down right rude not to thank someone for a gift in my opinion....plan a, b or whatever.


Like I said...I don't know much about your story......but obviously he feels the need to let you know what's going on......maybe looking for some encouragment on your part....or praise....but that is far less important than simply thanking him for the gifts.

I went through my own sort of Plan B....never wrote the letter.....but implemented the same principles and it didn't really work for me....not that it won't for you.
But I found that if I cut him out of my life completely, which is hard to do when children are involved, it made him feel better about what he was doing....sort of validated it. Then I realized that I wasn't going to give him a reason to validate it and that we had children and that he was just going to have to get over the fact that no matter what he did we were tied together through our children and if him and the OW didn't like it.....tough crap.
I wasn't going to avoid him just because I was no longer with him and just because he was with someone else.
Of course.......I was much stonger going through this than I was in the begining. I had already resigned myself to the fact that my marriage was over.....so it wasn't so bad. It had it's times....but for the most part....what I did in my situation was right for me.

believer,
You posted something that has confused me.
You said you have been in Plan B for 6 months....but then again you said that in your experience Plan B brings them back like a boomerang? Excuse me for not understanding this.


Remember.....Plan B is NOT about getting your WW/WH back....slowly or like a boomerang. It's about protecting your love for them before all of it is depleted.

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

MissPriss-
What I mean is that as soon as WS sees you are serious about NC with them, suddenly they want to come back and test the waters. That's what mine did anyway.

believer-
thanks for clarifying that...however I've seen it NOT happen more than it HAS happened.

I want to clarify a few things here about Plan B. Anyone that has been around here for awhile knows that I am a huge advocate for Plan B.

First off, Plan B is Plan B...NO CONTACT! NONE, ZIP, ZILCH, NADA! The WS is sick and needs cough medicine and leaves you a message that he needs you to bring some...too bad! The WS MUST find out what it is going to be like without you there.

No if there are kids involved, like in my case, there had to be some contact. But then, you construct HUGE boundaries. Only talk about the kids...only thru acceptable formats (third party, email, etc). And if they try to go off the kids and onto other things, the conversation ends IMMEDIATELY!

Look, I understand why some say to say thank you to him. I understand the fear of him thinking you dont care. The ONLY thing you should ever send back to him is another copy of the Plan B letter.

You see, Plan B goes against our wisdom, against our feelings. It isnt natural. That is why so many blow Plan B. That is why I had to do it three times, before I finally got it right. My wife would call, or come by to get the kids. She would start idle chit-chat. I would compliment her. Next thing you know, she is over for dinner. Then a week later, she comes over to "visit" the kids, but stays the night and SF ensues. Then, a few days later...she is right back to square one...and you wonder what happened.

What he gave you wasnt a gift...it was manipulation! So, why thank him for trying to manipulate you. If he really loved you, cared about you...then he would do the right thing. But, he is still in the fog.

You sending a note back meets a need of his. This is the kind of thing that we do in Plan A, in order to show them what we are and what things will be like if they get their outer brain casing out of their waste disposal unit.

Plan B is about protecting ourselves. And about thrusting them FULLY into the life they have chosen. That note wont protect you. With sending it, you will also be sending your feelings. How so? Oh, deep down, you will wonder "Okay, he sent me something, I thanked him...what's next?" You will hope where there might not be hope. And at least in the short term, you will be hurt again. I know from experience.

Now, there is a place for lowering the boundaries somewhat and showing them the way back when they are TRULY looking for a way back. They will have the PBL, but they may need help in walking the walk. And I have outlined this before on here. I call it the transitional period between Plan B and reconciliation. Kind of like two enemies meeting on the battlefield to discuss surrender.

Your husband isnt surrendering. He is just sending a message over, hoping you will stay right where you are. DO NOT GIVE IN UNTIL HE DOES! Or, you will be right back on here two weeks from now, kicking yourself.

He may or may not think you dont care if you have no contact. If yo uare afraid of that, then every time he does something like this, send him a copy of the PBL. Or do nothing.

We think it will cause him to just move into his new life, that he will think you are gone. but remarkably, the opposite is normally true. All it does is INCREASE his aloneness! And he will miss you. And he will look to OW to fill that void. And in 95% of all of these cases, she just wont be able to do it.

Stick to the plan! It may not feel right. But those of us that have gone thru it now understand its wisdom. You will too.

In His arms.

If he ask to reconcile, i am going to ask him that if he feels that he is going to cheat on me again then we better go different ways. I am going to ask for that.
Plan B is not simply waiting for them to want to reconcile. Reconciliation may not happen.

After the affair ends then you will start contact again and discuss what you need to, including reconciliation. But ending the affair does not mean you will reconcile.
And he may not be remorseful and wlling to say he won't do it again.
This is where the counseling comes into play. Getting both of you to understand why he did it and what you can do to prevent it in the future.

Zizzy ~
I've been following your story recently and just read this part. At first I was in total agreement that it wouldn't hurt to just send a thank you to your H. But, then I read Mortarman's comment:

What he gave you wasnt a gift...it was manipulation! So, why thank him for trying to manipulate you. If he really loved you, cared about you...then he would do the right thing. But, he is still in the fog.

The light bulb went on for me. Your H knows that if he is having such lovey "valetine-ish" thoughts about you then all he has to do is what you asked in the Plan B letter. That's it. Isn't that what you would do if you were in his shoes...situation reversed?? If you were the WS and meant to get back together wouldn't that be the gift you would give him? Not just some present. My FWH had no problem buying me and the OW roses, etc. on Valentine's day last year. Oh, he did give me an expensive gift certificate to a spa, but that was purely out of guilt.
I know you may be worried over any possible damage done by not thanking him. But, I truly don't think that he will end it all based on you not thanking him. I do feel, however, you will stroke his ego and let him think...Aaah, I'm still okay with her, so I can continue with what I'm doing.

Just my thoughts!

Faith2003

Happy valentine to all of you.

Thank you for all the advice.

I did not say thank you to WS and am still keeping glued to my Plan B.

Okay i had to text message him twice regarding my daughter. He took her out this afternoon so we had discuss the time and place. I was really avoiding even Text messaging him.

Then he asked if we would like to go out for a simple dinner tonight. I SMS back that we are having dinner at my mom's place.

He seemed to be trying hard to be nice to me. Is this bad or good?

zizzy-

That is very good. Happy Valentine's Day. Stay in Plan B.