Well,

Last Friday was the 10 day hearing on the exparte custody order for my DSD. I went and testified on my BS's behalf but basically was called a collosal liar by my DSD's biological fathers attorney. The judge aggreed with him and left the order in place. The next hearing is on the 19th. This hearing is for the domestic violence charges against my BS. Hopefully the prosecutor will believe my second statement I made which recanted the 1st statement. If he does this, then my credibility will be a little more firm when the next hearing on custody for my DSD is concerned comes around.

Friday I went to court and made sure that I looked very good. My BS did notice this and told me so. She mouthed "I Love you" to me outside of the courtroom as well. And that night I broke off contact with her completely. I got her a message that basically said "Since I disclosed the A to you I have been completely honest with you about all things. I asked that you do the same in return. Until you are ready to talk I do not wish to speak with you. Come to me when you are ready to ask me to go to a MC session with you and tell me when and where, or just have me served with the papers."

My MIL told me last night that she had spoke with my BS and talked about what we were going to do about our M. She said my BS told her that I couldn't love her having done what I'd done. (the A) Then she told her mother that she thought I was filing for divorce and she was waiting for me to finish the paperwork. Her mother clarrified things for her and told her that I did not want a divorce, that even after finding out about the OM who's been around her lately, I still did not want a divorce. My MIL pointed out that I must love her because I am probably going to jail for a while because of her. You see, my BS beat the crap outta me one week after disclosing the A to her. I had her charged with domestic violence. I have since recanted the statement that caused her to be charged. Lets not minimize what she did. I am only recanting my statement to make sure my 2 sons and my DSD stay together. Also I am doing it because if convicted of domestic violence, my BS will never be able to obtain her nursing liscense in this state.

When I recant my statement in court, no matter which one the prosecutor chooses to believe, I will be charged with a misdemeanor 1 or 2 for filing a false report. My family has made it clear that they will not bail me out as they do not aggree with me nor can they afford it. Her family will not help me. So I will sit in jail as you cannot post your own bond. Heck, I wouldn't be able to afford it anyways. Plus, the prosecutor and judge will crucify me for trying to manipulate the system. So it's likely that when I am convicted I will get hit with time as the judge will be pissed and motivated to not suspend any jail time. So in 9 days I get to go to jail for a month or so for lying in court to get someone I supposedly don't love out of trouble. Oh well, at least bubba will fill some ENs for me whether I like it or not.

Take care all.

-2soon

2soon,

I am far from being a legal expert but lying in court cannot be a good thing. You're credibility will be damaged. This incident will be on your "permanent" record.

I understand that you want to protect your wife from all of this, that is admirable.
But what affect will this have on your boys? Will you sitting in jail help them? I think this could end up hurting both of you. the judge sees this:
1. Domestic violence in the family
2. one parent having an affair
3. you making false statements in court.

What happens if you do divorce, could your wife use this against you?

Your wife screwed up twice..once with the A and another when she assaulted you and she hasn't taken responsibility for either one.

I would think twice on this and then think again. Martyrdom isn't what it's cracked up to be.

God Bless

What exactly EXACTLY is your lawyer saying about you going to jail...
and EXACTLY how much bail would be set for if you did...

realistically...??

I mean if both of you have no records of violence before...and you let out the part of fully admitting that you antogonized and pushed her buttons to the point that you yoursefl were not surprized she physically acted out...(also not condoning her loss of control)..

AND
the one singular act of violence comes a week after you disclosing your own infidelity...

what would be the gain of putting YOU in jail...
what exactly are we saving society from doing so...
and why are you expecting bond to be set in the michael jackson range...
and why is this judge out to make an example of you soley...
I've sat in court and watched drunk driver after drunk driver get fined and walk away...
till the next time...not sure why you are convinced the courts give a rat's behind about this drama....

honestly...

AND
even if all this does come to pass...what does any of it have to do with whether or not YOU are interested in reconciling...

these charges...this possible jail time...is somewhat a product/consequance of your own affair as well as her loss of control...


And that night I broke off contact with her completely. I got her a message that basically said "Since I disclosed the A to you I have been completely honest with you about all things. I asked that you do the same in return. Until you are ready to talk I do not wish to speak with you. Come to me when you are ready to ask me to go to a MC session with you and tell me when and where, or just have me served with the papers."

I am so unclear on this..
did you say this to her...
or did she say this to you.....

wise2 the only question is what do you want
and what work are YOU going to do to get it..

ark...

<small>[ February 10, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Ok,
Let me clarify things...

I had her charged wiht domestic violence. There were no witnesses to it except her, her father, and myself. I recanted my statement knowing full well the way I reworded it would make it look like I really did make it all up about her beating the crap outta me.

Her pretrial date is set for 19Feb04. The prosecutor and judge will not look at anything related to her case until that morning. The prosecutor will not even read my second statement until then. Now on the 19th, when the prosecutor does review it he will make a decision as to whether or not he believes my statement that recants the 1st. Either way, I will be charged with filing a false report. Depending on what level of the charge the county decides to file, it will be either a midemeanor 1 or 2.

M1 = up to $1000 fine and/or 6 months jail time.
M2 = up to $500 fine and/or 3 months jail time.

Now the reason I feel I may be hit with jail time is coming off something my attorney said. He surmised from reading my second statement that I did a good job of making it appear that I did lie in the 1st statement. He said to prepare myself to be hit with the maximum possible as the judge and prosecutor both will be pissed at me. They will be pissed because in my second statement I basically admit to filing a false report to have my BS arrested and convicted of domestic violence so that I could use it to take the boys from her.

They will view it as me deliberatly trying to manipulate the legal system to falsely convict someone to further my own ends. From what my attorney said, judges and prosecutors tend to take a very harsh view of this sort of thing.

I nevermeant to imply that I would have a bail set to Michael Jackson levels. Its just that my family does not feel I should throw myself on the sword at all here. They think I should leave and divorce her and get custody of my boys and screw her over. They will not bail me out. Period. They've made it clear that I walk this path alone.

And I don't think my BS's family will be lining up to pay my bail either. Lets not forget they just found out I've had an affair and I've been lying to my BS about it ad other things for a long time. So after I testify I will be placed under arrest. Bail will probably be set in the $1000 to $5000 range. You cannot bail yourself out of jail. My bank account is empty as the family still is being supported off of it. So I will sit in jail overnight to be arraigned the next day. Since I will not be able to post bail, I will sit in jail till I have to appear in court. From there I will plead no contest and probably be back in jail with timed served coming off the top of whatever sentence is given to me.

So thats why I'm saying I'm going to jail. And the reason I care about what the court thinks is that if the charges are dropped then DSD comes home, BS will not be barred from getting her nurses liscense.

And yes Ark, it was me who said the things you had in the paragraph you highlighted. I've told her from jump about what I would say in court and what I would be doing. I indicated that I would give her space and time. I began to, and continue to engage in a process of self-revelation. She's done nothing but lead me on, have an A of her own, and basically play mickey mouse games when it comes to our M. So I told her to call me when she was ready for me to go to a MC with her or when she was ready to have me sign papers.

-2soon

Meant to add but clicked Add Reply to quick.

Ark, the paragraph you highlighted basically was me plan B'ing her with her own affair. I do not want any contact with her until I feel that she's ended the relationship with the OM. To my knowledge he's there about every other night playing with my kids and screwing my BS.

Trust me, the temptation to go into court and screw her over is there. All I'd have to do is tell the truth, not lie to save her a$$.

-2soon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They will be pissed because in my second statement I basically admit to filing a false report to have my BS arrested and convicted of domestic violence so that I could use it to take the boys from her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not just come clean to the judge...like ark said, her attacking you (alledgedly) took place after you told herabout your A. Believable, understandable and depending on the judge an expected reaction. No need to try and cover the truth with two lies that basically make you look like an a$$ in front of the judge and your W's ex.

Are you able to drop the charges rather than saying it never happened?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trust me, the temptation to go into court and screw her over is there. All I'd have to do is tell the truth, not lie to save her a$$. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think, IMVHO, that the truth should be told and the two of you face the consequences of your decisions.

God Bless

Sooo Wise2 what is your plan to deal with all this anger you have your wife for having an affair...cause my friend you are filled to the brim with it...and it will only hurt you and others...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't know anything about bail and all the that stuff...
and it's always a crap shoot in front of a judge..
(though I play one on the internet... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
lots of things in your favor in this as well..
huge emotional physical blow up in the face of affair issues...not like you burnt the toast one morning and the woman went ballistic out of the blue...

Let me say this part clearly..
if she has a history of violence..
if you believe that she will/has/would be/been violent with you or the children past/present...then you need to do whatever it is you need to do to keep the children and you safe....

If you really beleive this is an isolated incident and the children and you are safe in her presence...then should you two not be approaching ALL of these issues together as a team...

how are WE you and her going to make bail..
making bail keeps you working...working keeps up the family bills..
I mean it sounds like you and she should be a team..plan for the worst...PRAY for the best...

And yes Ark, it was me who said the things you had in the paragraph you highlighted

OK OK OK...I only asked because I honestly didn't know...

She's done nothing but lead me on, have an A of her own, and basically play mickey mouse games when it comes to our M.

Wise2 i know this hurts..I know that you want to be incredulously superior...
but she has done no different than you have...
the details of he did she did...are so irrelevant in the face of infidelity...it is futile..

NOW you can choose to get caught up and hung up on the details...and lock horns in a powerstruggle to beat all powerstruggles...

As a man you could argue that she was worse...
cause she had the OM in the home...with her and the children...
As a woman I would argue right back that you either jeopardized your job when with your OW and potentially placed the children at financial risk over losing your job...or you stole time from the children in the evening when with the OW...and should have been home with your children...

and off and running we would be...who is worse...who is meaner....who is this or who is that...power stuggling ad-nauseum...
solving nothing...

the paragraph you highlighted basically was me plan B'ing her with her own affair. I do not want any contact with her until I feel that she's ended the relationship with the OM. To my knowledge he's there about every other night playing with my kids and screwing my BS.

You can't do plan B...you haven't done plan A...and infact plan A is all about negotiating the demise of an affair with a WS...
plan b comes after a good plan a...

So I told her to call me when she was ready for me to go to a MC with her or when she was ready to have me sign papers.

If you want to this to work
If you want to reconcile and build a marriage unlike you have had..
If you want to heal the pain you inflicted...
and heal the pain you feel...
then you two should absolutely be talking..

INFACT i'd argue you'd have a better case in court if you both were in counseling together before trial date to prove to the judge you both messed up that day...
not like two people locked in a head lock...

wises you are so angry but it is serving only to hurt you, her, your children and your marriage...

you are angry at her for doing exactly what you did...
you judge her harshly for doing exactly what you did ...

none of it excuses either of your behaviors and choices....
but what you are doing right now is not going to work...

wise2 you need to be in plan A...
you need to be with her working as team to face all the problems that have arisen from all your messes...
this not the time for ulitmatums.
lines drawn in the sand so deep no human can cross them...
this is not the time for powerstruggles...

this is the time for peace
and Gods Grace and forgiveness....

pray hard...seek guidance ...
See your wife as lost as you were able to see yourself when she was just the BS and you were the WS,....

you wanted compassion from her when you were the WS...and yet you have none for her now that she is equal in that department...

praying for you my friend...

ARK

Ark,

How can you engage in plan A when the other person refuses to acknowledge there's anything inapropriate going on?

Not like I am having my friends/family spy on her. I confronted her family that I knew that someone was spending the night.. etc... and they confirmed everything. She's having him over ever other night. Her family are the ones telling me he still is spending the night there. So when I bring up the fact that her family is telling me that his truck is there overnight and my friends and family say the same thing, all she can say is "I'm not doing this, I'm not fighting. I'm doing nothing wrong." And then she generally makes an excuse to get off the phone."

So I decided that I will have no contact with her until she ends the A or decides to get off her [censored] and file for divorce.

And if we go in front of a judge and admit that "Yeah, she lost her temper cause I baited her... etc..." The judge over her criminal proceedings may be ok with that and be easy on her. But if that happens, when she goes back to family court her EX will use whatever he can that is negative from the domestic violence charge to his advantage. If you heard some of the bullcrap that he's alleged you'd probably faint. Not to mention that the judge refused to recuse himself from the custody case. My BS's attorney asked for this when it became known that my DSD paternal grandfather was best friends with the judges younger brother and still is.

So unfortunately, her charges have to go away, period. The only way for that to happen is to have them dismissed or for her to be found not guilty. Me recanting my statement and taking the fall is the only doable option. She's got a snowballs chance in hell in being found not guilty so there's really only one option.

How can you engage in plan A when the other person refuses to acknowledge there's anything inapropriate going on?
You mean you cannot meet her needs and eliminate Love Busters (Plan A) unless she admits she is having an affair?

So I decided that I will have no contact with her until she ends the A or decides to get off her [censored] and file for divorce.
Does she KNOW why you will have no contact with her? (did you send a Plan B letter?) Or does/will she simply think you are pissed at her and "paying her back" in some way?

How can you engage in plan A when the other person refuses to acknowledge there's anything inapropriate going on?

Well I'd pretty much say that a high percentage of WS that are getting plan A'd by their spouses are in a huge universe of denial of the "inapropriateness of their actions with the OP...

what makes you think you are any different...?

I confronted her family that I knew that someone was spending the night.. etc... and they confirmed everything

why family...why are you not speaking to her....
she is your wife...

"I'm not doing this, I'm not fighting. I'm doing nothing wrong." And then she generally makes an excuse to get off the phone."

"I'm not doing this and doing nothing wrong"...typical WS fog talk...ofcourse she KNOWS she is doing something wrong...
you don't buy it..
and she herself doesn't buy it...

I'm not fighting...
smart lady...what is the point in fighting..
you should not be calling her accusing, blaming attacking...
all those things will cut off communication at the knees...
both of you shut down...
neither hears the other one....

So I decided that I will have no contact with her until she ends the A or decides to get off her [censored] and file for divorce.

bad decision.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
meant with concern....though...
change your decision
change your approach
change your focus...

this site offers some sort of anchor and plan to ground you in productive systematic...approaches to chaos...
BUT
only if you use it...
you can't be in plan b...if you haven't done plan a...

with much hope to you wise2
ARK

Ark,

I've acknowledged the inapropriateness of my actions with the OW and have done NC phone call and letter. I have had no contact with her since phone NC which was before the NC letter. It pisses me off that she denies having a man spend the night in our house with our children present. Pisses me off even more that even after she knows her family has told me these things, she still denies it.

I did go to her initially and asked her whos truck had been at our house so much lately and why had it been there over night. She denied this and told me I was full of it. So I asked her family who lives to the right and left of us.(our house is visible to both, we live in the country)

And what I guess it comes down to Ark, is communication. It wasn't happening even when we were talking. I really don't even know what to talk to her about. Bills, Kids, that was all we talked about before I found out about the OM. Then I broke off contact with her completely. I don't even know where to begin when I do talk to her.

maybe its to late
-2soon