Last Wednesday I lost it. I blew up at the W and am afraid that I may have done damage to our marriage they may never be fixed. First of all, here is my original post about my situation: My story

It was Wednesday evening, and I was tired and going to bed early, was going to read first, then turn in with the W. Had kind of figured out that SF was a possibility once the kids were asleep. Here comes the problem. My oldest (8) for several nites had been forcing herself to stay up saying she was scared, sick, anything to get to lay down with Mom. I usually go to bed 2-3 hours after the W, so when I came to bed, I would tell daughter to go to bed. But my W and I spoke and agreed that the child needs to go to sleep and stop making all these excuses b/c the next day at school she doesn’t do well. Well, this nite she is crying, pitching a royal fit and I had had it. I went in and told her the next thing that I heard meant a spanking (my kids know that I follow thru so usually that works). When I return to the bedroom, W tells me that I need to settle down and spanking won’t work (undermining my authority in front of the child which she has done numerous times). She then begins to tell me that I am being mean and too strict, which really makes me mad, almost saying that I am just being mean and do not spend enough time with the kids. All within earshot of girls. I just blow up, tell her she is too lenient on them, then go on to say that I regret getting married, biggest mistake I ever made, getting a lawyer, etc. Toss in a few swear words, all within earshot of the kids, not my finest moment. I then grabbed my pillow and a blanket and headed off to the couch.

The next day, I did not speak to the W until the afternoon b/c I had to take my car to the shop and needed her to give me a ride home. Very tense. After the kids were in bed, we decided in was best to wait to talk as the mood was too uncomfortable. We finally did talk on Sat morning, I apologized, and realized that we need to stay together for the kids. I told her that we need to get along, be a real married couple, I did not think that I could stay just for the kids, I need more. She was angry b/c she thought the reason that I was mad was b/c SF got nixed on Wed. There was some truth in that, but all of the parenting issues came back up. We had been going to MC, but had to stop b/c of the schedule of the counselor and arrangements for the kids could not be resolved (we are military living overseas so MCs are few, but this was a good one, and we wanted to maintain some privacy). We agreed that we need to start up again.

Again the issue of sexual compatibility come up (my drive being MUCH stronger than hers). Ironic that she is the one who cheated. I am still unable to let go of that, I weighs on me like a ton of bricks. She again apologized, but stated she can’t change it.

Another thing came up, but I choose to keep it in to ponder. I feel like I love her more than she loves me. I know she loves me, but think that she regrets the M (says she doesn’t). I tell her things like can’t live without you, can’t imagine my life without you, etc. Other than cards on anniversary, b-day etc I never hear that from her. That bothers me, I can’t remember the last time she walked up and just told me she loves me for no reason.

Feel like I may need to still consider divorce, but there are so many negatives don’t know if that is right either. Guess this is a crossroads. Maybe there is some advice from similar situations that might help me regain focus.

Wish I could take more time, but I will have to be brief, and hope that what I say might help.

My H and I have problems (my H was the WS, with 2 EAs in the last 2 years). I still want to work on our marriage, but I am afraid of my H, because of his HUGE blow-ups. I need to be able to be confident that my H will not explode at me whenever we have a disagreement, or he doesn't like what he hears (often he simply misunderstands or misinterprets what I am saying, but there is no room for discussion or negotiation, since he loses his temper and storms out).

So the first thing I would say is that you have to stop LB'in big-time in this way. I do hear your frustration and agree with you that the issues which were so important to you need to be handled and that your wife needs to support you as a father, not undermine you in front of the children. But the way you are both going about it is not the way to do it.

First of all, threatening to spank and then carrying it through is not the way to discipline your child who won't go to bed. Especially if she is 8 years old. This simply makes her hate and fear you, and with good reason. Your wife obviously disagrees that this is the best way to enforce your will on the child, she feels your/her child is being threatened and she is stepping in to defend her child - so by threatening to physically enforce your will on the child, you have antagonized your wife, and put her in a situation where she has to choose between her child and you. This is not a position she should ever have to be in. If you want her respect, and the respect of your children, you have to find ways to be a leader in your household without resorting to threatening or force. No-one loves a bully.

I totally agree that the child in your bed is interfering with your R with your wife, and the situation has to be sorted out. But rewarding the child for going to bed on time, and staying in her own bed is the way to do that, not threatening her. I also have a son who loves to snuggle, and has a hard time staying in bed (he's 11 now). The marital problems create a terrible insecurity in children, and as parents, if you want your marriage to heal, you have to be patient with reassuring and healing the insecurities of your children as well. She wants love and reassurance and attention, that is why she is in your bed. She also may be afraid and trying to protect her mother from you. Unconsciously, she may think that if she stays in your bed, you will not be able to hurt her mother. It is YOUR stability and gentleness, both with her and her mother which will, over time, convince her that you can be trusted, that you are a SAFE person to be with.

Believe me, this is what women and children want more than anything from the man they love - to feel safe and protected. When the man is volatile and explosive, it is very frightening for women.

My H has also complained that I undermine him in front of the children. I have tried to correct my behaviour. However, he still has not earned my respect by handling his own anger problem. The children (both boys) notice, and although they say nothing, since they don't dare oppose him when he is angry, I can tell that they have lost respect for him. That is very sad. Respect must be earned, it cannot be demanded.

If you can bring up your concerns with the MC, or with your wife and give your word that you will contain your anger - recognize and make a commitment to change the way you discipline your children - then you may have a chance that she will recognize where she needs to make some changes, too.

I see no reason to throw in the towel yet.

Hope this helps.

LIR

Hmmm. Your daughter is scared, sick, whatever, and you think spanking her will resolve the situation?

Let me speak up for your daughter. She is obviously having problems. She needs to be comforted in her own bed. Spend time with her, talk to her, reassure her.

Talk to a counselor about the possibility that your wife is finding this situation a convenient way to avoid SF. My sister-in-law slept with her daughter for 2 years, while H slept on the couch. But there were severe problems in the marriage before this happened.

Are you sticking with the MB program - meeting wife's needs, no LB's? Sorry to be so hard on you, but there is a lot more going on here.

Alright 2 X 4 time.

I was the poster child for Mr. Mom. At least until I discovered my WWs affair.

Right now you are indeed emotionally out of control...not your fault just reality. Gone is your patience. You are processing too many painful thoughts to ever be able to have patience. Not your fault a byproduct of her affair but STILL you need to recognize that you are much more tense and short tempered than you normally would.

Now here is the part that hurts....your 8 year old daughter senses (if she doesn't actually know) that something is wrong with mommy and daddy. She recognizes the tension in you and in your wife...even if only subconciously.

Your daughter is indeed scared. At age 8 she is seeing many of her classmates having their homes broken up by divorce. She fears this as do all children that sense of possible abandonment. And that is why at night she is scared that is why she wants mommy to lay down with her to reassure her that everything is alright.

First of all, thanks for the replies. Admittedly, not my finest hour. I have always had a pretty short temper, lately things (work included) have further shortened the fuse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She also may be afraid and trying to protect her mother from you. Unconsciously, she may think that if she stays in your bed, you will not be able to hurt her mother. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hold on a second, I hope you are not implying that I have ever laid a hand on my wife? Don't want to sound defensive here, but nothing could be further from the truth. If I was able to restrain myself when she told me about A, I think that speaks volumes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your daughter is indeed scared. At age 8 she is seeing many of her classmates having their homes broken up by divorce. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is indeed seeing this happen, but she has never spoken with us about asking if we were ok. Maybe subconsciously it is there, but she hasn't said anything. That little mind of hers is really fast and quick, so could be.

Thanks again for the replies, helpful to vent sometimes.

<small>[ February 12, 2004, 04:07 AM: Message edited by: Glad-man ]</small>

Dear Gladman,

Sorry to have inadvertantly implied you might have ever been violent towards your wife. I wasn't accusing you of that.

I meant that if you have a history of blowing up and letting off steam - yelling, etc - this might be enough to frighten your child. After all, if you threaten to spank her when you are mad, in her mind, what's to stop you from hurting her mother if you are mad at her mother. That's all I meant - trying to see it from the child's point of view - sometimes us adults don't realize how a child sees things and we can be VERY surprised when they do start talking about their thoughts and feelings.

I would encourage your daughter to start talking to you and her mom about her feelings, as long as you can listen to what she says without getting mad, even if you feel angry.

I am sure that you do have a lot of self-control, and I respect you for that. But, for myself, I am just as frightened by the yelling and intimidation, as if my H would actually hit me. I know that you are frustrated and need to blow off steam. I know it helps a lot of men if they can do something physical, like tennis, or whatever. So go out and run 5 miles, and after that, try to talk. You need an outlet for your anger and frustration (which is legitimate). Venting here is also good. There will always be someone here who has walked in your shoes and is ready to listen.

I hope things are better now.

LIR

gladman-

Have you read Harley's comments here on restoration and resentment? If you go the home page, on the right are "quick clicks". He gives advice on restoration, overcoming resentment, and eventual reconciliation and rebuilding.

Sorry to be so hard on you in earlier post. You have come to a bump in the road, and can get over this. You've had a lot of stress with moving overseas, dealing with the aftermath of betrayal. I think those sections would help you.

Hang in there and thanks for serving our country.

NO I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT.

Understand that in your household right now there is an air of tension....don't be niave enough to think your daughter doesn't know this.

I first found out in late November of my wife's affair. Barely a week later we were on a trip to the mountains with kids and in laws. Took in Gatlinberg Tenn and Dollywood...yeah I know but the in laws were paying for the trip.

After just one week my then just turned 9 year old daughter asked the "Santa" at Dollywood for just one thing....that mommy and daddy would still be together for Christmas.

At that time we had NEVER said a thing in front of the kids. Did she hear us in our room arguing? Maybe. Did she mommy and daddy looking on edge and upset.....you bet. Did connect the dots? Apparently so.

And yes being able to restrain yourself is commendable...trust me when I found out I thought about other uses for that 2 X 4! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But there is no way you can humanly be her happy loving daddy when you are torn apart on the inside.

So recognize this.

BTW you probably are experiencing a heightened need for sex as well....common among betrayed husbands.

So you are not in any way acting poorly. You are acting normal and coping as best you can with the bomb that has just been dropped in your lap.