For those of you who kow my situation, since I found out my BS is most likely having an A we've completely stopped comunicating. No conversations, nada. I began writing a letter to her this morning and I want comments on it. I want to avoid saying things that are gonna hurt more than do good. I want to apologize for my behavior before during and after the A. I also want her to see the changes that I've been experiencing but don't know how right now other than telling her.... so here goes.

BS,

I wanted to tell you these things in person but it seems we just can’t get past the current situation and get to the heart of the matter. I want to ask you for your forgiveness. What you decide to do is your choice. I’m writing this to you so I can lay it out there and let go of the guilt and shame I will carry until I ask you to forgive me.
Please do not think I’m only writing this to you only so I can feel better about myself. I’m also writing this so you may see that I have acknowledged things that caused you and our family pain. It truly would be a terrible waste if our marriage ends and we leave it without learning what caused . So this is me holding myself accountable for my part in our marriage. There will be a lot of “I’m sorry for…” so bear with me please.
Hmm… Remember the fight in the car we had when we first were still dating before you were pregnant with Coleby? That was the first real fight we had. Boy you were pissed at me. I should have told you about what happened on the paint job the day that it happened. But instead I told you when I was pretty drunk and felt insecure about us. That’s the truth of why I told you. You have known for quite a while that I had self-esteem issues. That was me feeling insecure when I told you how that homeowner had hit on me. I wanted to feel secure with you by seeing you get jealous. All it did was cause us to have an argument over trust. Even then. Trust.
From what I have learned about myself recently, my issues with trust coincide with my issues with truth and honesty. These stem from events that lay unresolved from my childhood. I’ve begun to turn and face the things that caused me to be an untrustworthy deceitful person. My issues with honesty come from my desire to try and control my world around me. Sometimes when we get hurt very bad, it can cause us to want to try and control everything around us in an effort to prevent from being hurt again. I’ve lived this way for the last 20 years almost. I cannot apologize for not knowing about what motivated me to behave in the manner I did, nor do I offer it as an excuse for my behavior. I only offer it as a means of understanding. Understanding why you behave certain ways in certain situations is needed if you are ever to break the pattern.
So that’s what I’ve begun. I’ve started learning about myself and why I do things that cause results I don’t like. Change is slow and takes time. I’m at a point where I want to ask for forgiveness for my actions. I want to ask you to forgive me for all of the times I was late and didn’t call, for all of the times I didn’t come home, for all of the fights started because I lied, for all of the fights started because I was selfish, for all of the times you needed someone to talk to and I shut you out, for all of the nights I slept on the couch, for all of the mean and nasty things I’ve said when we’d fight, for holding things over your head and reminding you constantly when I had done just the same and never admitted it.
I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve caused with my affair, for spending time with another woman instead of you, for spending time with her instead of our children, for breaking our marriage vows, for doing the one thing that has destroyed you so many times in the past. I’m sorry that I put you at risk of contracting an STD by having unprotected sex during the affair. I’m sorry I put our family at risk financially by getting involved with a coworker, I could’ve lost my job. I’m sorry for the embarrassment I’ve caused you to feel around your family and friends who know of the affair.

That was as far as I got befor e I checked and saw your response to my Thoughts and Updates post Ark, let me know what you think... anyone else is welcome to comment as well...

-2soon

Wise2

I actually really like your letter..
and i read your response to my other post..
and while I get that the two of you haven't been communicating...

isn't that just the motivation needed to begin communicating...
the bigger picture is figuring out new ways to work together and see your spouse really as that team member..

never your enemy..
never your annoyance...
but as a child of God traveling this strange world beside you...
equal...

people in real recovery I bet barely reconize their old marriages...

that's the bigger picture and the that's the goal...

reading your letter again..
I really like it...

Is that a different tune I hear you singing under your breath?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ARK

Ark, aye it is a different tune you hear. Its the one you here when I'm not consumed by fear and hurt and anger. Its the love I've rediscovered in my heart for my BS. I spent a long time over the past few weeks thinking of the things I loved about her. In the process somehow the love I feel for her seems to have grown and hurts even more now that I can't share it.

I'm new to this, I know I need to apologize for the wrongs of the A, but I don't know every way we hurt someone with an A. I want to be as thorough as possible. Any other suggestions as to what I could include? Is talking about thingws I've learned about myself in IC as they pertain to our M a good idea? More apologizing? Less? I love her so much.

To get an idea of how I've been feeling, read the lyrics of this song and they sum up for me how I feel about everything relating to my BS and my M right now. The song is "Here without you" by 3 doors down.

A hundred days have made me older
since the last time that I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lies have made me colder
and I don't think I can look at this the same.
And all these miles that seperate
disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face.

I'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams.
And tonight, it's only you and me.

These miles just keep rollin'
as the people leave their way to say hello.
I've heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams.
And tonight girl, it's only you and me.

And everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love.
And when the last one falls, and when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love.

I'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, it's only you and me

Wise2..

but I don't know every way we hurt someone with an A.

just to kind of play with this idea...
and at the risk of making broad stroked statements...and to borrow some thoughts from the Mars men and women from venus....

here some generalizations about the pains of an affair...

typically the emotional bond that a male creates with their OP...eats at the mind of the female BS more than the physical aspect....(NOT to downplay the physical side...)

but the thought of their spouse being tender, and attentive...and LISTENING to the OP...can cut the OP to the core...

Male BS on the other hand...have a really hard time with the images of the physical relationship between a wife and the OP....that the emotional bond is less tangible to them...but the physical side speaks volumes...

There is also the fear of what is said to the OP about the BS to justify and rationalize the affair...
that the BS unknownst to them becomes an enemy of state to the WS and OP...and often the driving focus of keeping a WS and OP together after the affair is discovered...
the WS and OP always have the "antics" and behaviors... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> of the BS to talk about....

apologies are tricky and can back fire....
they can sound false
they can also make it seem like an apology fixes everything..which they don't...
good news wise2 is you don't sound that way...
you sound like you have gained quite a bit of insight....within your apologies...

Can you plan A your wife...
Can you put aside the anger and ask her how SHE is...
how SHE is doing, feeling...
can you...

can you Plan A your wife...you should plan A...but can YOU...

ark

Dear W2S.
Your first sentence says you believe your wife is having an affair!

Yes, that absolutely changes things.
It is like a bolt of lightning in your heart isn't it?
The fear of losing her to someone else.

An affair is always a wake-up call to the BS.
(And in your case for the WS!)
We realize we have taken our mates for granted and want with all our hearts to be THE ONLY ONE they want and love.

We make a complete turn around and become kind, loving and giving and hope it is not too late!

I think that is what you are feeling.
Rejection feels TERRIBLE.
Fear of being left alone is scary also.

I hope you can both get back on the right road, going the same direction, and remain faithful to one another for the rest of your life....grow old together.

Now you are willing, I hope she will be also!
Your letter was nice.
Don't e-mail it, actually send or give it to her.
Love, Julie

<small>[ February 12, 2004, 06:14 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>