I have now been on my own for four months now after my WH was told to leave when I found out he was starting an A. He has now been living with the OW for three months and says things are going okay. I immediately went into Plan B when I found out (not coming to MB until several weeks after so did not know I should not have thrown WH out and should have gone into PLan A) Since talking to people here at MB I have been in Plan A for a month now I do find it hard to do but keep it together whilst he is her and whilst talking to him and then go into depression after. It all seems so wrong to be trying to meet some of his needs when he seems to not care surely it is just me that is getting hurt and he is going around maybe thinking that I am okay with everything and he is my friend etc. I suppose it has only been a few weeks but WH does not contact me or the children inbetween the times he has visitation with the children.(He sees them once a fortnight and sometimes stays with them one night in the week if I am working nights. I have texted a couple of times with just everyday thoughts nothing about relationship etc his text has things like "I thought you were sending me kisses?" I just ignore these comments. I rang last week when he was staying over with the kids and I was working nights ( he seemed surprised and pleased to hear from me and even said he had been thinking about me before I rang) that my have something to do with the fact he was sleeping in our bed! He even mentioned how good I am looking (I have lost nearly three stone and make sure I look good when I know I will see him) Is there something else I should be doing other than texting and ringing the night he has the children at least this plants me in his head fo a little while. I definately do not LB I manage to keep these to myself but I then find it hard to talk to him when he stays for half an hour or so after dropping the children off. I manage to ask about work and his general health not about our relationship or his new one.

I should say that I am doing much better these days and find myself thinking of other things on the rare occasion. He is not consumed by my thoughts 24/7 anymore. I have even joined a social group who meet up every week doing differnet activities I do not want to be sitting around waiting anymore and I needed to do this to widen my social circle.

I guess I should go back to my original question and ask is it time to give up and just get on with my life completely without thoughts of ever getting back with my WH or should I hang in there. How many WH do actually return when they are so completely 'in love' with another person?

Should you give up?

Well, are you losing your love for your husband and finding it more and more difficult to Plan A?

If you are, then I'd recommend you post to Cerri on the "Just found out" MB board.... and ask her about starting Plan B. Or, call the Harley counseling center and ask for an appointment.

Is your WH supporting your kids financially? Is he helping with your household bills? House payment?

What are you getting out of this arrangement right now? Financial? Emotional? Explore this a little.... and do a cost to benifit analysis of your situation...

I am getting >this< and it's costing me >this< and look for an imbalance.

Are you building emotional resentments?

Pep

<small>[ February 11, 2004, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

The question whether or not to give up is yours to answer. I would encourage you to stay on this board and really learn to apply the MB principles. They work period. They worked for me when I thought DV was eminent and they work today now that FWH and I are back together after 4 -1/2 years !!! How much faith do you have. Believe me in the beginning I didn't have much.

D.

Am I losing my love for my H? No I don't think so I have a lot of love for my WH and wish things could be different. What I do fear is that I am holding onto hope and faith and it will be me that gets hurt in the end. I guess all this Plan A stuff goes against everything I believe in why should he have me being nice and meeting some of his needs when it is WH that is in the wrong. WH is supporting me finanicially and still feels very guilty about the whole situation he says he worries about me and that I didn't ask for any of this to happen. I really don't know how to respond to this but just act indifferent and ignore these comments, should I be doing something different.

I guess I just don't want to build my hopes up doing everything I can to save a marriage that WH doesn't want (he hasn't said this only actions speak louder than words don't they and i guess if he is living with someone else then he doesn't want this marriage to me) and for me to be hurt even more than ever. I don't want to live in cloud cookcu land anymore.

feelingit-

Stick with the marriagebuilders program. Like redhat says we need to do our best so in 10 years we can look back with no regrets.

If you give up now, you will always wonder if you could have stuck it out.

Well that's what I tell myself anyway.

Feelingit,

I can feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. I really urge you to stick with the MB program. It does work. Four months ago I thought my life was over when my H walked out of a M of 12 yrs. for OW. Today he is talking about possible reconciliation. He stopped praying, revoking God, saying that God didn't want him to be in a M where there was no love and if He wanted my H to stay, then He was a terrible God, did He really exist then? I'm happy to say that as of a couple nights ago, my H prayed for the first time since he left and cannot express to me enough how truly sorry he is for causing me and the kids so much pain and is asking what is expected of him if he returns. Trust in God and the MB program to keep you encouraged and to get your self-esteem back. This is so important. Yes, the road will be tough but it will be worth it in the end. If we didn't suffer on this earth, how would we know what true happiness tastes like? We wouldn't. We'd take it for granted. I would like to encourage you with these scriptures for certain comments that you had made:

It all seems so wrong to be trying to meet some of his needs when he seems to not care surely it is just me that is getting hurt
Matthew 5:44
44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you This is a VERY hard thing to do, but God looks favorably upon it.

WH is supporting me finanicially and still feels very guilty about the whole situation he says he worries about me and that I didn't ask for any of this to happen. I really don't know how to respond to this but just act indifferent and ignore these comments, should I be doing something different
1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, This can be very hard to when all you want to do is scream at them & tell them that yes, they are the reason for all this heartache. You also will feel like pointing out his behavior & saying, Well, if it wasn't for this & this, we wouldn't be here right now. This is considered a DJ and self-righteous. Please, I urge you, to refrain from doing this. If you feel tempted, have a "gentle & quiet spirit" & hold your tongue.

I recommend, for your depression after talks or visits, to immediately go into His word for encouragement. I try to read Psalms and Proverbs every day. Psalms for encouragement & Proverbs for wisdom. Proverbs is really showing me how to be a godly wife. It is so important that you concentrate on your R with God, growing closer to Him, being in His word, asking Him to show you areas of improvement that you need to work on to be a better human being and believe me, during this process, your H WILL notice. I also recommend reading, The Power of a Praying Wife. There are some great prayers in there that you could say every day. Always remember to PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens).

Why keep hope alive you asked. More scripture from 1 Corinthians 13 - Faith, hope, and love these three. But the greatest of these is love. That's why. God is hope, God is reconciliation, God is restoration. We must have faith and faith is believing in things unseen. Believe me, I need to tell myself this over & over to endure this too. I will be praying for you.

Good question Feeling. My WW also seems totaly in love and devoted to OM. From time to time I think it best just to give up, negotiate a fair settlement and move on.

But, I realize that I must be able to face myself in the future and say that I did everything reasonable and a bit more to save my marriage. So I have decided to keep the door open and hope that WW fill come to her senses.

In the meantime I pursure other activities and I no longer think about her and the A as often as I did even a few weeks ago.

Besides, having been emotionally raped by this A I doubt if I will be of much interest to any other woman for quite a while.

<small>[ February 12, 2004, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

Thanks so much for your encouraging words.

Just an update last night I spoke to WH on the phone for almost 3 hours (this may be a long one)I did not LB at all but we did speak of our relationship. He told me that he didn't plan for this to happen it just did. He told me he is happy where he is and that he made his bed so he is going to lie in it. He told me that he hoped I would find someone good and that is right for me (he even said he wanted to interview them just to make sure). He told me I was special and that it had to be the right person for me. He told me that there is nothing wrong with me and that there was nothing wrong in our relationship it was him (a classic line)He told me how he missed cuddling up to me. He told me how he missed sex between us and that he fantasies about me. He told me that he is not good with relationships and that he doesn't really know what he wants. He said he wondered if he would ever be happy. He commented how he always wondered why he had strong feelings for me (sexually) to which I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know. He told me that OW does not cuddle and does not like him to lie on her, cuddling. He told me that OW always asks him what is wrong when he goes into his quiet moments, OW keeps on and on (whereas I knew it was a quiet time for him and just left him). He says he does things for OW like make dinner, wash up etc because he has guilt from not doing these things for me. He told me he does not a divorce not just yet but he wants to remove his name from the mortgage sort things out financially so he has some money. I told him that as he knows I have seen a solicitor and that I was waiting for him to start the process. At one time he said oh god I hope things turn out alright and this is the right thing to do. (statements like this give me hope)

All through this conversation I told him I was okay and happy, getting on with my life but wished things were different that he was back at home but didn't want to have the marriage as before I needed security and for someone to be there for me etc. At one stage he thought I had recieved a text message and as it was one in the morning this had to be from a male. I let him believe and go on for a while and he said to tell him if there was anyone else. I told him no and I had nothing to tell him and he took this as I was being cagey and I was in the early stages of a relationship to which I said no but he said he doesn't believe me and that this has sparked off feelings that he doesn't like. He told me he would hate it if and when I get into a relationship to which I responded by pointing out I am still married and am not looking for a relationship but if I did meet someone else then he would deal it (not sure if this was the right way to respond to this) part of me wanted to see what reaction I would get and part of me wanted to let him think he had competition but part of me didn't want to give the impression that I don't want my marriage. He said a few times that I was moving on with my life and that he should do the same. (again I was not sure how to respond to this and said things would be okay)
Well I suppose I have gone on a bit now but what do people think now have I said the wrongs, is there something I should have said.
I did something good today he told me that he didn't have any money and as he is paying more than he should be (supporting me and the children)I gave him some money (is this meeting his EN or am I wrong)


Does all the above sound familiar is it what WH usually say and do. Do I have hope? I know that it is hard and everyone has told me the I haven't got an easy ride but if there is light at the end of the tunnel and you all feel that from this conversation there is hope then I will carry on.

One thing that has happened is that I have the opportunity to go abroad to work for six months to a year and WH knows of this I have told him that I am seriously thinking about it and it would a wonderful oppportunity for the children and a way to heal myself. He told me that he will not stop me going but he doesn't want me to go that it would be strange not to have me about. I did LB on this one and said that I had nothing keeping me here. What should I say and do with this one. I don't want to lose an opportunity to start afresh (although I do know that it is like running away and the problems are still there) but I could start to heal and move on properly.

I am sorry that I have gone on a bit but felt I had so much to ask I do have faith and pray everyday.

I think you still have hope.Your WS sounds like me. I am in plan B...30 minutes ago things look bleak but now it looks good again read my recent posting MY ON GOING PLAN B.

Don't give up hope. Go abroad. Do it like a Plan B...he will be waiting for you when you return. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

feelingit -

Those kind of talks are important. You are meeting his EN's. Don't worry about saying anything wrong so much. The general content was great. I wish I could have done so well.

How soon would you leave to go overseas? It would be nice if you can do a solid Plan A for at least a couple of months. But I would still take the opportunity if you feel strong enough to do it.

Thanks believer sometimes you can get overwhelmed and not feel you are doing the right thing. Its good to know that these talks with my WH are meeting his needs. Obviously from what he has said she clearly is not meeting all his needs (she does not have nearly 20yrs experience).

I intend to go in about eight months or so. So plenty of time to do a good plan a and then plan b if need be. I thought I would give plan a another two months what do you think.

Your conversation sounded great!!! Can you offer to meet him and talk and snuggle, sounds like that is what he misses? Have you exposed the A to family and frineds...I'll bet they know already. Have you told him what it would take to come back home? Have you offered both of you get into MC or call it Divorce Counseling...anything to get him there. Call the Harley's?

What were his most important ENs, sounds like SF is a big one... Attractiveness of Spouse....

Can you tell him about this site, tell him you don't want the M to end, tell him you're willing to work on it. And do have a good time.

I've heard the Divorcebusters 180s can help...

Still making it

WH has not expressed his wish to me that he wants to return home so I have not said anything. He says he is happy were he is(although it is clear reading between the lines of the conversation he is not) He said last night that I was too good for him and that he wouldn't be the one to make me happy.

I have not told him about this site as I really don't think he would be interested.

Do you think it is a good idea to cuddle WH when he is living with someone else surely this would complicate things further and make him have his cake and eat it too.

He expressed his desire for me whilst on the phone and said that he would not be able to contain himself if I came onto him. Last night the last thing he said was that he wished I were there to cuddle up to. But would this be wise?

Hello FI --

I know it's a difficult thing to be told you should be doing everything possible to meet your WH needs, when he's the one who's been the ****. It's taken me a long time to even decide I want to try because of this!

But, you have stated that you still love him and want your marriage to work. So, with that as the goal in mind, you should be doing all that you can to attract him back to the marriage. That means meeting his EN's when you can. This will be harder for you because you are living apart. Cuddle him -- maybe more? ABSOLUTELY! YES! You are still his wife, with all the things that that entails. Your goal is to attract him back from the OW.

It seems clear to me by the things he is saying to you that he is looking for a way back to you. He misses you and is looking for encouragement from you that when he returns, that there is hope for forgiveness and that your marriage can rebuilt.

This doesn't mean you grovel or completely lose your pride, but you need to determine his most important emotional needs and do your best to meet those. Will this complicate things? Yes! You want to complicate things for him right now. You want to give him reasons for detaching from OW. He's telling you explicitly how she is NOT meeting his needs and how you can. Do it!

Don't wait for him to ask to come home. Let him know that you want him to return home once he has ended his A and agree to No Contact with her so that you and he can focus on each other and rebuilding a new, stronger marriage.

It sounds very much like he is having regrets and if you want your marriage, you need to do everything you can to capitalize on that.

Take care, and keep reading --especially about Plan A.

Shellybird

Me--BS, 44
Him--WH, 52
Two boys -- 8, 14
In counseling with Dr. H

Feeling It,

You are getting some great advice. I think that if you just continue on the way you are, the Plan A is working. But be ready...Steve Harley believes that most of the time, Plan A isnt enough. That it takes a good Plan A combined with a good Plan B. So, I like the two month Plan A deal.

What I wanted to show you is how to decifer "psychobabble" or "fog-talk", which is the native language of those in an affair. It is a strange language, and doesnt make much sense most of the time. But if you can read between the lines, you can figure out what is TRULY going on.

In your case, I found a whole lot to be encouraged about. Let me get to it....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just an update last night I spoke to WH on the phone for almost 3 hours (this may be a long one)I did not LB at all but we did speak of our relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No LBs...awesome!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me that he didn't plan for this to happen it just did.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is one of the typical lines from a WS. No responsibility...it just happened. You know, kind of like an act of God, or a freak of nature thing. No one is at fault...it just happened.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me he is happy where he is and that he made his bed so he is going to lie in it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read this last sentence VERY closely. What do you see? This is lesson number one in how to code break fogese. Take sentences like this and separate them in half. Now the first part says that he is HAPPY where he is. And the second part says he has made his bed so he must lie in it. Now that expression is usually not used in a good situation. It is used when we do something that doesnt turn out the way we wanted to, so we are just stuck there in the mess. So, he says he is HAPPY, but he says he is stuck in his mess. If he believes he must lie in his mess, how in the world is he happy? And if he is happy, why would he look at his situation as having to just put up with it, or "lie in his bed?" Do you see? Fogese almost always has the truth, mixed with psychobabble. Usually, the Psychobabble is the first part of the sentence, followed by the truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me that he hoped I would find someone good and that is right for me (he even said he wanted to interview them just to make sure).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW!!! What an awesome man!! (sic) But I am not going into this one fully right now because he later gets jealous when he thinks you are with another man. So, take this sentence, with the one later in your post and do the same thing we just did above. He says he hopes you find someone great...but then later is mad because he thinks you are talking with someone new. The first part is the lie, the second part is his TRUE feelings. He is jealous. So, in the fogese, we now know so far that he really isnt happy, feels like he is trapped and stuck in a mess he created, and he is nervous and jealous that you might be moving on. Dont believe me? Let's look further.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me I was special and that it had to be the right person for me. He told me that there is nothing wrong with me and that there was nothing wrong in our relationship it was him (a classic line).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right...a classic line. First sentence...this one is reversed. it is because it comes off what he was previously saying....that you deserve better. He's right about that, you know? Anyway, he says you are special, that there is nothing wrong with you. But he leaves you for an affair? HHhhmmmmm?!?!? But he hits the nail on the head right away doesnt he? He says it is HIM that is messed up. Remember, they will always show the truth somewhere in their psychobabble. The trick is to cull it out, and ignore the crap.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me how he missed cuddling up to me. He told me how he missed sex between us and that he fantasies about me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, go back to the beginning. Does this sound like a man that is HAPPY with where he is at? More proof for what I said above, I'm afraid. He is saying this because it is the truth. But there is another reason, which is lesson #2 for you...they will ALWAYS try to have their cake and eat it too! He wants you to hang around, to think he misses you, to hold on, while he works thru things. That way, if things dont work out with him and OW...well, he can come riding right back home. So, he flatters you, encourages you...he will even later ask you to hang on while he works thru things (count on it). Still dont believe me? Well, let's read on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me that he is not good with relationships and that he doesn't really know what he wants.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe this! This is truth to the core. But, when we get done with this, you will see that it is actually YOU that will help him find these answers...answers that are inside him that he knows...but are obscured by the fog (do you know of the concept of the fog?)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said he wondered if he would ever be happy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I thought he just said he is happy?!?!? See what I mean?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He commented how he always wondered why he had strong feelings for me (sexually) to which I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes he does!! Or he wouldnt be talking about cuddling with you. He knows. But the fog has him all confused. Inside him, he asks himself how he can still love you, but be doing what he is doing. The fog allows him to obscure those questions like that, so he doesnt have to deal with them. Plan A, and Plan B...will blow the fog away. And when it does, he will be faced with reality, then pain...and then a chance to get his life back. More on that in a minute.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me that OW does not cuddle and does not like him to lie on her, cuddling. He told me that OW always asks him what is wrong when he goes into his quiet moments, OW keeps on and on (whereas I knew it was a quiet time for him and just left him). He says he does things for OW like make dinner, wash up etc because he has guilt from not doing these things for me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, this would be laughable if it wasnt so serious and hurt so many people. I think I have now proven that he is NOT happy. He says he does things for OW out of guilt. How long you think he can continue that? How long before resentement sets in for him, resentment at HER? the clock is ticking on that relationship...you stay out of the way. Because soon, it will implode. But, as I said above, this man aint happy, he misses his wife, he is stuck in his current situation...and hsi wife is meeting some of his needs, while the OW is meeting others. He is in a bind because no matter where he goes, there will be pain. So, he does nothing but sit i nthe fog. Good...for now. Let him sit there. Let him eat cake...for awhile. What this Plan A is doing is building up his love for you, building up his attachment to you...so when you pull it ALL away in Plan B, the pain will be so intense, the OW will have no hope of EVER filling his void. More on that below.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me he does not a divorce not just yet but he wants to remove his name from the mortgage sort things out financially so he has some money.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cake eater! But even better, he doesnt want a divorce why? Lesson #3...as long as you dont pursue the divorce, in MOST cases, the divorce will never be pursued. Why? Because they dont want one. He really wants you. He is stuck in that bed he made, he has made a huge mess, he feels guilty and doesnt knwo how to face you. He would rather YOU divorce him, you LB him, you make him angry. Then it will be easy for him because YOU made the decisions. But when you treat him with the respect he DOESNT deserve, when you meet his needs when he DOESNT deserve them to be met...and then you pull it ALL away in Plan B...well, let me tell you. You have left him in the worst pain that he will EVER go thru. Something VERY close to what you are going thru now, being the one who has been betrayed. But even in his pain, you wont let him off the hook. He will be mad, he will miss his needs being met. Things will getworse with OW, because he will go to her to have those needs met...but she cant or wont. So he will get angrier...initially at you for CAUSING this mess. He will get angry and threaten. he will redouble efforts with OW. He will try to coerce, and then try to plead. But you wont let him out of his pain. Now, that bed he made is on fire...and he cant get out. Or so he thinks. But under his night stand is a letter...a Plan B letter, which is the key to him getting out of his mess. And once he goes thru all of that mess, he will remember it. After he has tried EVERYTHING to do it his way, he will come to you and try to negotiate. but there is no negotiation...just surrender. And so he goes back into it one more time...but this time, he knows it wont work with her. And so he goes back, and sits...and tries to find the way he can do this, that he can surrender. And then one day, when you least expect it...just like my wife did, he shows up on your door with a white flag. And then...you can let him off the hook, and love him back to health.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told him that as he knows I have seen a solicitor and that I was waiting for him to start the process. At one time he said oh god I hope things turn out alright and this is the right thing to do. (statements like this give me hope)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As it should.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All through this conversation I told him I was okay and happy, getting on with my life but wished things were different that he was back at home but didn't want to have the marriage as before I needed security and for someone to be there for me etc. At one stage he thought I had recieved a text message and as it was one in the morning this had to be from a male. I let him believe and go on for a while and he said to tell him if there was anyone else. I told him no and I had nothing to tell him and he took this as I was being cagey and I was in the early stages of a relationship to which I said no but he said he doesn't believe me and that this has sparked off feelings that he doesn't like. He told me he would hate it if and when I get into a relationship to which I responded by pointing out I am still married and am not looking for a relationship but if I did meet someone else then he would deal it (not sure if this was the right way to respond to this).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just like I said above, huh? So, let's say there was a new guy (and there shouldnt be...you are married!). I wonder is he is ready to do that interview he offered? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He is jealous. He doesnt want a divorce. He doesnt want you to leave. Believe it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">part of me wanted to see what reaction I would get and part of me wanted to let him think he had competition but part of me didn't want to give the impression that I don't want my marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is best to remain silent. Let his little brain run wild with thoughts of some dashing knight taking you away...or even better, some STUD coming in and showing you loving like you have never known. There is not a worse nightmare for a man than the thought of another guy giving his gal more pleasure in the bedroom than he can! So, number one...you are married, so act like it...live like it. But until he comes home, he doesnt need to know what is going on. So, just stay on message, and dont answer hsi inquiries into your so-called love life. Time for a few boundaries. Those boundaries will help him show you the respect you deserve. I am not saying make him think there is someone. I am saying that if he is thinking it...then it is his own problem. You see, you KNOW what is going on in his life. It doesnt get any worse than the reality in front of you...for you. But for him, it is all in his head. He has no idea what is going on. He doesnt know about Plan A and Plan B. He doesnt know that what he is seeing and feeling is fog. He doesnt know if the wife he loves is seeing someone new, and that guy is going to show him up. He doesnt know. In your case, while things are bad...at least you KNOW the truth...and can deal with it. How in the world can he deal with what is in his head, true or not? More pain for him....and he needs it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said a few times that I was moving on with my life and that he should do the same. (again I was not sure how to respond to this and said things would be okay).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Psychobabble. Look, just a minute earlier, he was miffed because you might have a guy in your life. Then before that, he says he doesnt want a divorce right now. Then he says you both need to move on. What he means by this is that he wants YOU to do the dirty deed.

But, my friend, you arent going to do that. Have you ever heard the phrase "What goes around, comes around?" He initiated pain into your life, more than you have ever endured. Now, you feel like you are kissing the butt of someone that shows you now respect, and has hurt you deeply. So, you dont want to do this. Plan A is hard, that is why it isnt to last very long. That is why everyone above asked if you are losing your love for him. It is at that point, that Plan B comes in...to protect your love for him...and at the same time, pull back everything you do for him and are to him...and FORCE the OW to meet ALL his needs. And baby...she cannot fill your shoes! She cant even come close (dont believe me? read your post above again, about how she doesnt do this or that). I have better odds on winning the $100 million lottery, then that relationship does in working out.

Everything is on your side here, on the side of your marriage. And your husband doesnt know it, but it is on his side too. How so? Well, for you, the odds of this relationship of working out are about 5%. So, there is a 95% chance that they wont work out...good news for you (this is thru studies). Added to that, your husband has spoken and shown classic WS actions and words...straight from the infidelity handbook. So, unlike some who are in exit affairs, or are mentally challenged, your husband actually is ripe for the plucking by the Harley principles.

But how is on his side too? Well, because the odds are he will get his life back. Why? Because he has an incredible wife, who is willing to suffer for him, willing to do the things for him and herself, that will save this marriage. Even if it hurts him in the short term. Sound like a picture of Jesus, huh?

When that man comes back, and is fully healed from this mess, he will look at you like he has never looked at you before. You not only love him, you will have saved his life. And he KNOWS that he doesnt deserve you, or deserve what you have done for him. And if he is smart, he will spend every day after that making sure he shows you how much he appraciates what you have done...and appreciates who you really are and how strong you are.

So, you go on with what you are doing in Plan A. I wouldnt change a thing. By his reactions, you are doing GREAT! But as soon as your time limit is up (two months), or as soon as you feel like you cant do this anymore and are losing love for him or it is just too painful doing Plan A...then come on here and let those here guide you into Plan B. This whole process might take 6 months to a year and a half. This is a war for your marriage. There are many battles. I am in recovery with my wife, but the marriage still is not where it needs to be. We are slowly recovering, slowly fighting small battles each day as we repair this mess. And each day gets a little better.

So, keep it up. Come here to vent, to look for help and/or encouragement. But go forward as you have been. You need this. Your marriage needs this. And your husband, while he doesnt know it yet...is counting on YOU!

In His arms.

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Mortarman is right on! As always.
Hang in there....
It's been 14 mos. since my WH left "for good"!
I now believe he is only days away from saying "I want to come home".
The fantasy world doesn't last....I had a hard time believing it myself...especially after the wild year long rollercoaster ride from hell!
He needs you to be strong...as much as I want my WH to be the strong one, I know that it will depend alot on my strength and I'm ok with that...I have faith that he will someday find the strength within...it's there...

Shugah,

Something has always told me that your situation wasnt hopeless either. Of course, your husband wasnt as textbook as FeelingIt's is. But something still tells me your husband will make it. Mayeb...maybe not. Maybe he just has a thicker cranium encasement and needs a bigger hammer to get common sense in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But I have noticed the change in you (maybe that could be why he is thinking about coming back...hhhmmmm????). Good job, no matter what happens!

In His arms.

What a great post Mortarman!

When are we getting your update?

Tonight, 4give. I have been extremely busy...you will see in the update. Things still have not settled down in my world (not my wife...military!!). Anyway, my wife works midnight shift at the hospital tonight, so I plan on sitting down and writing the update.

In His arms.

Mortarman I can't thank you enough for your wonderful reply. It has given me the hope and strength I need to continue. I actually asked WH about being stuck where he is and he was sounded very surprised and was adamant he was happy (but we do know differently)

Crickey I'm going to do it again and go through another conversation.

I spoke with him today via email asking about taking his name off the mortgage stating that even if I appeared and sounded alright about things it wasn't what I wanted and I was just going along with wishes. He replied what do you mean by the last statement. (I just reiterated this sentence as it is self explanatory)He didn't reply for several hours so I emailed again and asked if he was ignoring me for some strange reason. He replied he had been busy and I suppose you should contact your solicitor but can you give me a few months to save the money to pay him or should I try to get a bank loan. To which of course I agreed. I left it by arranging for him to see the children possibly on a night that I am going out (I will make sure I look my best) or an afternoon to which I have asked if he wants to do something as a family. He is thinking about it. I really can't believe how cool and collected I have been whilst in contact with him. He now knows I am out tomorrow night and thinks I am on th pull as he says and not to pick any tom, [censored] or harry. I finialised the contact by saying that i would rather be at home cuddling him (good one eh)

Anyway it is really good that everyone thinks I am doing the right thing and they can see that the Plan is working. I can't wait for the day when I can show him what a wonderful wife he has and why on earth he jeopardised it all. I guess I have the strength for both of us at the moment.