It's been almost 5 weeks since my H confessed to having had 5 PA's in our 15 years of marriage. He says the last one was 6 years ago and he is now a changed man.

When I first posted my story, I got several replies telling me how great it was that he had confessed and how that shows he wants to work on the marriage. That's just great.

I, on the other hand, feel like he's had the "best" of both worlds. He's had all the sex his little heart desired with other women (he says there was no emotional attachment - for this I should be grateful or something?) and now he wants to live happily ever after with me too.

The "forgive - it's in the past" thing is not working for me. I can forgive him to the extent that I don't wish him any ill will and I don't plan on "bobbitting" him in his sleep. I don't know that I can simply let bygones be bygones and play the content little wife for the rest of my life.

I read about how many people have been left by their WS and are still bravely standing for their marriage. My situation feels so much different. Mine won't leave because he says he's committed and wants to work it out. I don't know if I can stay in this relationship but I don't know if I have what it takes to leave. Even dealing with it day to day is getting to be a chore. How do I cope with these feelings?

Cindy, I know exactly how you feel. But just know that while you are really obligated to forgive a repentent person, you are not obligated to stay married to him. You may decide that you don't want to stay in such a damaged marriage and that would be your right. Some folks don't choose to stay and deal with such a mess and decide to move on.

However, I hope that you give it at least a year before you decide to do anything. With the proper care and effort, your marriage can not only recover from this, but can be better than it ever was. You won't be angry forever, I promise you, but divorce IS forever.

Thanks so much for your reply. Wow! A whole year, huh? I guess in the "big picture" of it all that's not alot of time. It seems like forever right now, though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi cindy,

Please give yourself some time to process everything.You only found out 5 weeks ago,you are a mere "baby" when it comes to these boards. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NO ONE should be expecting you to get past anything right now,it's too soon so if it's your WH or your IC saying this to you tell them you are not ready.You are on the rollercoaster now so you are going to be having wildly fluctuating emotions daily/weekly for a while.You have to ride them out until they become more "manageable" which may take you several months at least.You do whatever you can do to get through the days.Keep busy,focus on you,see friends and family,clean the house,take up a new hobby,whatever.

I know it may be hard to feel comforted by the fact that your WH wants to stay and work on the marriage but many of us here only wish we had the chance like you do.So however you can find solace in that,take it.


O