Having a hard time right now.. H and I went to MC last night, and it always helps as far as our communication and explaining how to do better.. Thing is, after one of H and my cycles I feel hurt, defeated, and sad. He doesn't reach out to me or start any talks to close the gap, I know it will have to come from me. I need refueled to do that, because I honestly am running on empty.
I know at this point it has to come from faith and prayer...
The things MC says we have to work on are basically the things awed posted yesterday. I cannot react to anger when H breaks agreements, or does something that hurts me. I need to offer him grace and forgiveness and eventually he will learn to not break those agreements. When he withholds or lies to me, I have to give him a safe environment to tell the truth so that eventually he will always tell the truth and not withhold things. (Very hard for me because I have dealt with the withholding, and breaking of agreements for 17 years.) Now, I have to believe it will change.. (been in MC before, didn't change then, but now I have to believe it will)
MC was hard on H last night.. And as crazy it sounds I almost want to defend him even though the MC is right on track. He asked H to join a anger management class.. H didn't respond or say any more about it.
MC told H, you need genunily ask her forgiveness for these things we have discussed. You broke some agreements, and you need to appologize before she can forgive you and move on. No excuses, no defensiveness, no anger. Just a genuine appology. Guess what, when we got home he never mentioned a word about anything. Then he asked me if I had anything to say.
Then, what I feel was the kicker for me. At the end of the session, H was angry. I can't tell you exactly why because he didn't talk about it, but it was obvious in his face, expression and eyes. So, he says.... "She has lied in her past, and I still trust her, but yet because of the years past, she can't trust me until my behavior changes" He was very angry and that is not exactly it, but it was obvious that it was about my EA. That is the only thing we had discussed that I lied about. (YES, HUGE, I am not excusing it, but it feels to me that he holds that in his back pocket to pull out when needs.)
Another thing that came up. MC had said even though it isn't a compromise, giving H a gift as it were. ie. snowmobiling to dinner and meeting me there by car, are just those gifts. Can I offer that up to H? Before I could speak H says...I have to admit in our years past she always offered up "the gift" and I took advantage of it by stopping at a bar or doing things and being gone all night or showing up hours later" So, you see that ticked me off, here he knew then that he was taking advantage of me, yet he did it over and over for years, and when I expressed hurt or anger, he wouldn't acknowlege it and just get more angry.
I know that is the past and needs to stay there. I am scared today, really scared. We were separated for almost a year, it took EVERYTHING in me to do that and get through it. Not to mention my kids. Now he is back, I am so afraid all his promises of change were just empty words to get back home. I WILL NEVER go back to the way our relationship was NEVER...
Don't get me wrong... I have lots of work to do on ME. Changes I have to make to break our cycle!
