Valentines approaching & I'm finding myself having a terrible time forgetting that this time last year my H decided to blow me off, we get into a horrible fight, & he runs off to have an A & turns my life upside down. With all that in mind I can't honestly see myself completely enjoying our romantic outting tonight...and it sucks!

I really want to be able to feel like what's in the past should stay there..build new memories..erase the bad..and have an awesome time reminding ourselves that our love has lasted and we've overcome...BUT..why do I feel so inadaquate? I find myself feeling like I have to be better then I ever was before...like a rebound feels in a new relationship from someone who has recently split up...you know, better then the EX..

As stupid as it sounds I am really struggling with this today. I just can't help but replay last year at this time...and I don't want to ruin this year...My H will be able to tell if I can't shed this before our dinner date tonight & like I said I don't want to feel this way...Can any of you offer me any advise pleaaaase? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks and I'm sorry for the rambling...God bless all of you..& Happy Valentines..
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi sweetie.
You are so fortunate that you and your husband made it through the desert.
(Almost all marriages have times when it seems we will never make it to the oasis.)

I hope you have such a wonderful time celebrating Valentines Day THIS YEAR that when next year rolls around, you will be able to look back at tonight as a very special loving memorable day!

It is actually up to you as I think you will be setting the mood.
Us ladies tend to bring the *sunshine* into relationships!
Actually the 14th, Valentines Day, is tomorrow!

Let us know how it goes.
Love, Julie

P.S.I know my forgiven hubby is going to get a SPECIAL *gift* in bed on Saturday night...a memory maker for sure!

Finding C,
There may be many dates that will cause 'triggers'. How you deal w/ each of those triggers will determine the quality of the new memory you are creating w/ your H. Remember that the in the past your H was in a fog and his behaviors reflected that.

I would like to share w/ you my experience w/ triggers like Valentines Day. My best friend asked if she could be married in our home on Valentines Day. I prepared and hosted the wedding. My husband gave me a lovely quilt and a card that said he would "always love me." He privately resented all the inconvenience of hosting the wedding in our home. His A was sparked by his growing resentment of my time and energy being given to anyone but him. OW supported H and she expressed her disgust at how he was being treated by me. (big ego boost). W/ 4 children, a large home, and full time job I didn't have time to deal w/ his resentment....OW did. I saw the EA blooming and knew in my heart the PA had begun by the end of April. On June 25, 1998 the OW's daughter was married. I endured my H going to the back of the church at the brides request, to see the bride and OW before the wedding. I caugh H and OW trying to go to a private hideaway on July 7, OW's B-day. We seperated and I filed for D the day he moved out July 16, 1998. (I didn't have MB) On Valentines Day in '99, WH had our 4C for the weekend. He phoned me and asked if we could talk. I had gone as dark as I could for about 3 months. He brought me a wonderful Valentines Day and Aniversary card. He asked for a reconceliation, but wouldn't commit to counceling or NC w/ OW. That was the most painful Valentines/Aniversary Day of my life.

This Valentines Day marks our 23rd wedding Aniversary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My H made hotel and dinner reservations and asked my mother to keep our two youngest children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for as the other dates go we have created new memories and the bad memories are fading. Our oldest D has set her wedding date for...you guested it, June 25. I will not tell my D or H that this date is/was a trigger for me. I will make a glorious NEW memory for this day. My H and I have come too far to let these horrible memories ruin our lives together.

Look at the day as a day to romance and be romanced by the man you love. Treat your H like your Valentine. I've been placing Hershey's kisses, candy and paper hearts in his dresser, on his pillow, and on his desk as work this week. Corny yes, but he knows they came from me. He is special to me and I will not let a bad memory cloud my time w/ him.

Don't worry about the romance. Don't expect things to happen like it does in the movies. It's better in real life. Enjoy your H and his company and everything will fall into place. Have a wonderful evening and a Happy Valentines Day.

I hope I didn't sound too mushy.

VDay is also a HUGE trigger for me. I won't go into the story here, but I will tell you what helps me. I try to focus on how much better things are now than they were then. I'm taking pride in the way that we've stuck it out and we're healing.

Does the trigger still bother me? Yes. But I've chosen to concentrate harder on the present than the past.

Hope this helps a little.

It's been mentioned that you can create new memories for this time, and this day,and I second that suggestion.

TAKE IT BACK, MAKE IT YOUR OWN.

You don't need to give it away, you can take it back by doing something that YOU enjoy so that you do have those happy memories to enjoy for many years yet to come.

TAKE ACTION ! ! !

SS