Well, I was born, raised, and am still living in Iowa. You'd think I'd be used to the cold--unfortunately I think I as SUPPOSED to have been born in Phoenix. I can't tolerate much cold--hands go numb, ears ache. So I avoid the outdoors as much as possible between about November and the end of April. Today it's a "balmy" 32 degrees--warm for this time of year.

We do have Curves here. I'm not personally acquainted with anyone who goes there, but I know there are several in our city. Again, right now it's sort of a cost issue, until I get a better handle on my budget. I've only been doing this split living thing for a few weeks.

Osteoporosis...the very WORD scares me. I hate milk, don't eat ice cream, and basically get virtually no calcium. And because I'm tall, thin, and smaller-boned, I know I'm a prime candidate for it. I DO think about that, and when I remember, I take calcium chewy things.

I do have a coworker who is probably 5 years older than I am, who is also fairly slim, and recently I asked her if she'd been losing weight because she looked very nice. She said, no, that her teenage daughter is very into weight-training and she'd gotten involved with her. You can see the difference in her--she does not appear to have a 40+ year old body. Again, it's that darned motivation.

It's hard for me to get motivated to do something I never enjoyed doing, when I don't have anyone to do it with. I'm hoping that as the weather starts to get warmer with the coming months, that I actually can get out and walk a little. We have great walking/biking paths all over our neighborhoods in our suburbs. (No, I DON'T bike...it hurts my butt.)

Believer,

Actually, I was able to link right to the sight from your post. I've added it to my favorites and when I'm sitting here crabbing about the weather or something else during my long, lonely evenings, I will check it out. It IS something I can do from the warmth of my home. More motivating. Thanks.

LL

How did I do that??? Beats me.

Lordslady -

Alcholism is a disease that beats down the family too. My SIL is still living with a practicing alcoholic, so I've seen everything.

You will get through this with some support. It will take some time, but things will get better.

lordslady -

How are you doing today? Are you having another balmy day at freezing over there in Iowa?

You know, once April comes around, I do fully expect you to be out there walking those corn fields! I'm over here walking these potato fields, myself. Deal?

No more excuses once mother nature cooperates.

Give us some post, dear. We need to know how you spent your Saturday night!

Hugs, Amy

Amy Maree,

Potatoes, huh? Sounds like you must live in that other "I" state that is forever mistaken for mine.

Today isn't too bad here, but breezy. It's actually supposed to be near 40--makes me think spring may actually arrive. But here in Iowa, it's not uncommon to still get a 14" blizzard in April (though at that time of year, they melt rather quickly).

I spent a very uneventful Saturday running errands and typing about 3 drafts of a Plan B letter. Still REALLY afraid to deliver, but starting to see it is probably the only chance I have. Showed it to my pastor at church this morning (we have a small, pretty personal church) and he said it sounded solid, and that I should hold to both "A's" I addressed in it (the affair and the alcohol).

I'm just so afraid of Dr. Harley's statement about Plan B being risky because "out of sight, out of mind" can mean that even after the affair is over, the WS may decide not to reconcile anyway.

But like everyone is telling me, "what you're doing ain't workin'". So unless miracles happen today, he'll probably get the letter soon, and then I'll probably be REALLY hard to deal with on here for a while.

How are things with you? Did you do something fun last night?

Oh, my gosh. Me and the girls went out and danced and drank beer. I just showered the smoke out of my hair.

My getting going today was touch and go for a while. But we had a BLAST!

Well, if you get hard to deal with, that is just fine with me. We will all get through this together. Right???

Type at you later. There is a lot of stuff going on here today.

Love, Amy

Okay guys, I had a good session with my IC tonight. He says I've grown a lot over the past few months. He gave my Plan B letter his blessing, too--said it was well written (credit goes to lots of people on here).

So all is well, right? Oh heck no!

If you read some of my recent posts, you'll know my WH and I have these mutual friends who we've both been corresponding with, though at opposite times lately. They see things totally differently than I do about the whole Plan B thing. I've just spent the last two hours, out of my stupidity, IMing the wife.

She is bound and determined that I should just as well file on WH right now--that the Plan B letter is going to do nothing but drive us apart and put the kiss of death on our marriage.

It's not that I believe she knows more about marriage saving than the experts. My fear is that she is so darned close to WH and she has this totally distorted opinion of what I'm doing, that she may well put the kiss of death on our marriage, once I give him the letter, because he'll run to them, and she'll do her best to explain what she sees (which is me pushing him away), and he's not going to get the real meaning.

I told her, have him read it and read it until he sees the words, because there is no hidden meaning. But because there is to her, she is going to convey that to WH, and she and her hubby are his best friends (his only friends right now besides his equally worthless and drunk coworkers).

Am I hosed before I even start? It's not that I'm not going to follow through with the plan, except that she has me so depressed that I feel now like I'm just prolonging everyone's agony by not filing for D right now.

She keeps telling me if I was going to play tough, I needed to do it at the very beginning of the A, not now, and not after I've started to drive him away because of the chill I've taken on. She says now it's too late to make that move, basically either suck it up and make really nice and wait, or get out.

Help me keep my head on straight? Do any of you think there's still hope for us, or am I just being delusional in thinking this may work??? (Especially with friends' hands in the batter.)

LL

BTW: Hopefully this doesn't violate the message board because I'm offering to do it off the site, but if any of you who correspond with me regularly would care to waste a number of minutes of your valuable time reading through one of these IM's between me and other friend (?) to see if I'm insane, if she's insane, or how much threat you feel she's going to pose to my Plan B and what I might be able to do, please feel free to email me. I copied a couple down into Word and could attach a file.

I truly think sometimes I'm totally sane and other times I think I've crossed over into insanityland.

LL
email: tjc9999@aol.com

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 02:23 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, we already told you what we thought about her "advice" so there is no reason to repeat it ad nauseum. Just go read the posts again.

Okay, and I'm with you at this point that it is VERY bad advice. My question is more one of, because of her and her H's closeness to my H, and because of her screwed up interpretation of life, and I just being delusional think my marriage might have a prayer of him coming back and of recovery, or do you think they will just misinterpret everything to him and blow up any chances.

I'm feeling very bad about letting her see some of the letter drafts now. I thought at first, because she has had good insight from time to time, another opinion from someone who know's WH would be good. Now I think I have severely messed things up and, well, I'm having one of my anxiety attacks again.

Lordslady -

You cannot control what this "friend" does. If you think you made a mistake, then learn the lesson and do not communicate with her anymore.

Whatever we think, none of us can change her mind, either. We can barely change your mind, and you are asking!

You cannot "educate" people who are not willing. Just realize you cannot control everything in your life. All you can do is what you can do.

Your WH has a lot of choices to make for himself. You cannot MAKE him do anything. If you change this or that word in a letter, change this or that person's mind, it is still WH decision alone to come home!

Start on yourself. If you spent this much time and effort on yourself, you would be an incredibly successful individual. I promise. You are wasting it on WH and these "friends," whom you do not even seem to respect.

Get out of your fog! Move forward already! I am the official cyber-slapper on this site, you know. Believer said so, and we all believe everything Believer says (kidding! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Please don't make my start cyber-slapping you. Believe me, it hurts me more than it hurts you, but it is becoming necessary.

OK, 2X4 has been put away.

Now to the important stuff. Have you checked out the craft classes yet? Checked to see how much Curves is yet? Asked a co-worker out to do something fun yet? Is it above freezing there today?

Keep your chin up, lady. And keep posting. When you do finally understand what we are all saying to you, you are going to be one of this board's greatest assets. I truly believe that.

Love and hugs and support! Amy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> Okay, and I'm with you at this point that it is VERY bad advice. My question is more one of, because of her and her H's closeness to my H, and because of her screwed up interpretation of life, and I just being delusional think my marriage might have a prayer of him coming back and of recovery, or do you think they will just misinterpret everything to him and blow up any chances.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL, what counts is what is in the letter, not what your "friend" thinks about anything. Who cares what she thinks? It matters not a whit how she interprets your letter or your actions. Your H can READ the letter for himself and see what you mean.

ML,

That's what I wasted two hours (am I stupid or what?) trying to tell her last night. Just have him reread and reread the letter if he comes to you. Nowhere in it does it say I want a D. Nowhere does it say I don't love him. Nowhere does it say I'm pushing him away to be mean. And her response was repeatedly, "You're going to lose him. Give him the letter and you'll have nothing. You needed to make your move in the begining and you didn't, so now you have two choices, either try and give him time and be loving and meet his needs, or file on him today."

It's not that I believe her. It's that I'm so frustrated now because that's what he's going to hear over and over from her, because she's reading things into my letter that aren't there, and will then influence my H to see it that way, too (because he trusts her and because he runs to them for advice all the time).

I just feel that it's all so hopeless today. I told my therapist that yes in ways I'm feeling stronger, but that I still can't face the possibility that WH may not be in my life anymore, that it may end in D. That thought makes me physically ill, and that's where I am right now.

And all I can seem to do today is blame myself for not acting immediately, and then for doing such a pathetic Plan A (other than 2-3 weeks of it), because as I reread about love busters, I contstantly was making disrespectful judgements and then following them with angry outbursts.

UGH!!!! I want him back.

Oh, forgot to answer the other questions from Amy Maree:

1) It's currently 33 degrees...I suppose that qualifies as above freezing, but it's pretty darned cloudy and dreary.

2) No craft classes yet. I was stuck at home most of Saturday on phone and on line with my Pittsburgh people getting ready for audit. But really, I do want to do this. When I'm in the area, I'm going to see what Michael's has available.

3) No checking on Curves yet either. I know they're more than my budget can currently allow, but we're working on selling our camper. If we could do that, I could pay off my home equity loan, and then perhaps have a little more to work with (though support will drop in May because S turns 18). I think, because I'm so darned skinny right now (safety-pinning darts in my skinny clothes now) what I need, if I'm going to exercise, is not aerobic exercise, but weight training to build some muscles on my spindly self.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> ML,

That's what I wasted two hours (am I stupid or what?) trying to tell her last night. Just have him reread and reread the letter if he comes to you. Nowhere in it does it say I want a D. Nowhere does it say I don't love him. Nowhere does it say I'm pushing him away to be mean. And her response was repeatedly, "You're going to lose him. Give him the letter and you'll have nothing. You needed to make your move in the begining and you didn't, so now you have two choices, either try and give him time and be loving and meet his needs, or file on him today."

It's not that I believe her. It's that I'm so frustrated now because that's what he's going to hear over and over from her, because she's reading things into my letter that aren't there, and will then influence my H to see it that way, too (because he trusts her and because he runs to them for advice all the time).

I just feel that it's all so hopeless today. I told my therapist that yes in ways I'm feeling stronger, but that I still can't face the possibility that WH may not be in my life anymore, that it may end in D. That thought makes me physically ill, and that's where I am right now.

And all I can seem to do today is blame myself for not acting immediately, and then for doing such a pathetic Plan A (other than 2-3 weeks of it), because as I reread about love busters, I contstantly was making disrespectful judgements and then following them with angry outbursts.

UGH!!!! I want him back. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My God, are you trying out for the Mental Masturbation Award, LL? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Give it up!

What is the issue here? Who cares what your silly friend thinks? This is your marriage and your life, isn't it? This is between you and your H. You aren't doing this to impress her, but to restore your marriage. At least that is what I thought.

And, as you can see with your own eyes, your "friend" doesn't give a damn if you fix your marriage as you pointed out she will fill your H's head with misconceptions. Some friend ya have there.

I guess I am just confused about what all this commotion is about. You have a plan, stick to it.

ML,

My God, are you trying out for the Mental Masturbation Award, LL?

Do you think I have a shot at winning it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I know, these are the things I have problems with that drive WH crazy. I get worried about something and I drive myself crazy, because I can't analyze and get a for-sure answer. "Worrying myself into stupidity" was how it was put by someone once.

(And I'm a control freak--can you tell??) Another problem I have to work on--letting go because I can't be responsible for the world's problems. But I try, and I try hard!

I just am worrying myself sick thinking it doesn't matter what I do, I'm going to end up divorced in a year. He's really angry at me right now, even on the phone. I thought I was going to get the letter to him tonight after his seminar, but now he's ignoring MY calls and avoiding me. I may have to mail it and attach a "pre-letter" to it to remind him to read it over and over and over until he really believes the words, and not what anyone else may tell him the motives are.

I know I ticked her off last night because I stuck to my guns and turned a lot of things back around on her. She hasn't emailed me or called today. I hate to burn bridges with friends, but I think I'll just cool it for a while.

Have any of you felt like this was just some really absurd dream you were in, that it was almost like a game, and that you were going to wake up and things would be normal?

LL

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

At some point, during each day, I wonder how I got to where I am. I wonder if I could have fallen into the twilight zone. I wonder if I am in a really real-feeling nightmare.

Then, alas, I realize I am not. All I can do is follow my plan, because it is all I can control. It is all I have. I have put my head down, I am focused on the path I am on, and I rarely look up and around at other things anymore. They only set me back.

Because, I want to save my marriage. That is my goal. And these people on here have seen that happen hundreds of times. This is a good place to be. Better than not having a plan and floundering around.

So, get a plan, stick to it, and stop looking around! You are only slowing yourself down.

Hugs and love! Amy

Hmm. Plan? I think my WH may be doing his best to Plan B on me, instead.

Like I said, was in NO plan for the first two months--didn't know about MB boards. Did read a little on Plan A/B but didn't buy SAA until way too late.

Tried Plan A, I'd say for the most part during January, though with lots of LB's on my part--the more I read about what they are, the more I realized I blew it almost every time we were talking, because I wanted him to "see the light". Even though it was done lovingly, it pushed him away.

Because he's now a practicing alcoholic again, have been advised by several that Plan A won't work anyway. But we've just LB'd the crap out of things over the last couple weeks. I backed off because I decided chasing didn't work. He interpreted it as cold. He became colder, and I became colder. Now we're at this impass.

Because of all the foofoo with the "friend", I wanted to give him the Plan B letter in person, and to have a coulple minutes (which is about all I get per week) to speak with him. However, now he's avoiding me, not returning my calls, and basically just being a horse's rear end.

I feel we're doing this on a REALLY bad note. I was in hopes we could meet or something tonight after his seminar, because it's only about a mile from me, but I doubt I'll be able to find him. Probably will just have to mail the letter and let him and our "friend" interpret it all wrong.

I'm like the others on here who have said they just want that guarantee that it won't end in divorce. I'm starting to feel like out of sight (because I haven't physically seen him in about 2 weeks) really is pretty much out of mind on his part. This all before an official Plan B.

I just wish there were some way I could do something to leave him with the best possible memory of me before I step out of his life. I don't know what that is. It's so cold and so angry right now. Seems an awful way to start Plan B (don't fret too much MelodyLane, I'm not giving up the plan)...just venting my fears and trying to do everything as well as I possibly can. This is probably the only chance I'll get to do something right. I don't want to blow it.

LL

LL,

He is leaving it on a bad note because of his behavior, not yours. You have no control over his moods. And I still don't know why you care about what this "friend" thinks. This is all about what your H thinks when he reads the letter. Can he not read?

Again, the point of Plan B is not to impress your friends or gain their approval, but to remove yourself from the sickness and discontinue the enabling. It is intended, ideally, to infuse some motivation into the WS to come off that fence. It is intended to motivate your H to get help for his drinking.

There are no "guarantees" of anything, of course. There are no guarantees in life and none implied here.

But, you can almost guarantee that you WILL FAIL if you keep doing what you are doing. What you have been doing has been a FAILURE.

And again, there is not to be contact when the Plan B letter is delivered. That is the entire point. You have it mailed or overnighted, the letter says it all, you shouldn't do it in person.

LL, if you worked as hard on a positive plan of action, ie: Plan B, as you did on trying to talk yourself out of doing anything you would probably have the Marriage of the Year. I have never seen ANYONE so reluctant to help themselves in all the years I have been here. I suspect that I had it right when I suggested that you LIKE things the way they are and don't really want things to change.

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I have never seen ANYONE so reluctant to help themselves in all the years I have been here. I suspect that I had it right when I suggested that you LIKE things the way they are and don't really want things to change.

NOT reluctant because I like things the way they are. If I did, I wouldn't be safety-pinning darts in my "skinny" clothes. Afraid, very afraid...

And may your prayers and crossed fingers be with me because whether this was the plan or not, he just called and is on his way here. I'm going to speak briefly with him and give him the letter.

S has a bunch of guys over playing poker, so WH won't be hanging around.