I've always had a problem with self-worth. No, I don't hate myself, but I don't like myself that much either. I'm just sort of blah about me.

However, you are right. She may be a friend of sorts, and she may have been well meaning, but just about a month ago, during a card-playing episode we had at their house when WH took me down there, everyone was drinking (including me, and I don't drink much anymore). Several people were in the L/R and I was still in the kitchen playing cards with her H and another guy. She came out in a drunken state, thought her H had made a pass at me (trust me--if we were the last two people on earth and survival of our species depended on my being with him, consider us extinct!).

She came flying out, grabbed him, and threw a punch. He threw one back. VERY UGLY. I first tried to break it up (very stupid!) and then just got the heck out of the room in time to escape getting beaned with a Sloe Gin bottle. And she says they need these little 'battles' every few years because it helps their communication and strengthens their marriage.

As I step back a bit, I see what a fog I can live in when I'm not careful. Okay, not a good role model for a marriage. My odds are better with the experts and my therapist and my pastor and you guys.

-----------------------
As for my DD, since Plan B is probably not appropriate for her, I'm not really sure...


LL

Sounds like a delightful, mentally healthy gal! Some women go shopping and out to lunch, she gets into drunken brawls with men! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL, I will just tell you that alcoholics choose friends that will waller in the mud with them, and I can see why your H wants her for a friend.

The fact that you don't see anything wrong here tells me you have been living with an alcoholic for a very long time and have adopted his insanity to a great degree. Seriously, I have never had - or would choose - a female friend who gets into drunken brawls or hosts her friends adulterous affairs.

Please just know that you are worth MUCH MORE and there are plenty of women out there who would be happy to be a real friend to you. You are bright, articulate and smart as hell. You have lots to offer in a healthy relationship.

Please get thee [censored] to Alanon, you need it so badly. This situation with this "friend" just screams that fact.

LL -

I want to tell you what I see that you have going for you.

I can tell you have a great sense of humor. And I can also tell you have a willingness to hear what people are saying to you, and taking a good look at the not-so-pretty-parts of yourself, and be honest with yourself about them.

Everyone has parts of themselves that are not so prety to look at, but most try and hide them, and then become angry when they are pointed out. Like angry because they aren't hiding them well enough, or something.

It takes something special to look at yourself the way you do. It takes a lot of courage and guts and fortitude and and and and

So, even though some of us ride you a bit, I beleive the reason we do is because we can see what you are made of. We are just trying to get you to see what you are made of.

Take heart, keep your chin up, because I think you are an awesome lady. And I'm so glad you didn't get beaned with a Sloe Gin bottle! Phew!

Hugs, Amy

Oh boy, where to even start. WARNING--will be long! (And btw, I am VERY glad the bottle didn't hit me, because at the velocity it was flying, it could have been fatal--seriously. And we used to hang a lot with these guys when our kids were younger. It wasn't really like this. We'd play cards and maybe drink a little or maybe just drink iced tea. I haven't seen them a lot over the last couple years until recently when WH started hanging again when he dumped other friends. Boy have they changed!)

Okay, the real stuff. This has been my today. I am securely braced and expecting at least two whacks with the MB 2x4, but I need your help, support, assistance to keep going and be strong. Maybe someday I'll get my act together and be able to actually offer advice instead of just beg for it.

Today, in a very, very long nutshell... (I'll do it in numbers since I'm an accountant)

1) Lets rewind to last night. DD still not home at nearly midnight. Worried, but have no idea who to call. Tried to reassure myself that since I'd not gotten any calls, she was probably okay. I was exhausted and finally fell asleep. Awoke this morning at 5am to dog #2 licking my toes--her way of saying it's potty time.

2) Took dog out and on the way, opened DD's B/R door to peek in. Surprise--nobody was there yet! Panic attack. Paced the floors. Contemplated who to call. Not many choices at that time of the morning and nothing to go on. Back to bed with my canines--dozed on and off for another couple hours.

3) 7:30am-tried a couple friends of hers I had in my cell phone. Both failed--1 is out of minutes on her phone, the other I must have programmed in incorrectly from some stuff I found of DD's. No last name so no can call. More panic. Called boss and told him DD is missing, won't be in for a while. (MAJOR deadline looming Monday so BIG problems, but he remained calm.)

4) Checked caller ID and messages to see if I missed anything last night. A message from one of our pastors, so called to see what was up and to ask for prayers for DD's safe return, because at this point I, being a paranoid mom, was worried about abduction although we live in a relatively safe place.

5) This brings us all back to reality: Pastor was calling to inform me that a fellow church member had passed away yesterday (small church but I still don't know some of them very well--she was an acquaintance who's H used to share the trailer-hauling responsibility with my H). I am filled with grief for husband and family. They are probably only a few years older than I am. They have to teenagers. They always seem so calm and so happy together, and I sat just last Sunday looking at them rather enviously.

The scoop no one knows for sure, but she went in Wednesday for minor knee surgery, and during the surgery her heart stopped briefly. They got it restarted, and put her in ICU overnight for observation, thinking that perhaps she'd reacted to some of the medications. As her husband sat beside her in the chair dosing, she apparently attempted to shift in her bed early Thursday AM and her heart stopped again and they were unable to start it.

This young woman is now gone, and a loving husband and two teenage kids are left to grieve. It all seems so unfair to me sometimes, and this is when it's really hard to trust and to understand God's plan for all of us. I just have to keep reminding myself that we may not have some of the answers until the end of time, and that He always allows things for a reason, but here I am having my little pitty party, and all my family members are at least still alive. Like I said, it's really getting me down.

Not only that, but I have known heart arrhythmias since my early 30's and have had a battery of tests. The dr's admit there are microscopic abnormalities causing them, but can't see any reason to believe they will be harmful, though they can't guarantee it. I've felt like I was passing out a couple times, and that does put me at greater risk. I try not to think about it because they haven't acted up much lately, but I have a bad knee and have known for a while that eventually I'll probably have to have surgery. This REALLY hit home, because this woman had no history of heart problems. My pastor said she'd had some chest pain about a year ago, but tests showed nothing. Really sad, and scary, too.

6) Okay, it's now after 8am, I'm depressed and I'm very worried about DD. At this point, I called the police to file a missing person's report. (The pain of getting that done we'll save for a different post--no one wants to do them) In the 45 minutes between my final call and when the officer actually arrived, I felt that since DD is WH's as well, I needed to let him know she was missing since yesterday afternoon. BROKEN NO-CONTACT - I'm really doing poorly at this, but didn't know what else to do. No email or txt available. Kept the conversation to the issues with DD and with the lady from church.

7) Okay, just as the officer was finishing the MP report, guess who walks in the door? Yep, DD. She started off to her room and he said in a very commanding voice, "Young lady, you come here." He gave her a very good 5 minute butt-chewing, but you cannot believe the disrespect she showed for an officer of the law. I would have been scared to death to do that. I followed with one of my own (he was extremely nice by the way, and we spoke a bit about the situation after we let her go to her room.)

8) I had "peaked" at this point and was nearing stroke proportions. I made the decision that though it will be my weekend from Hades and I"m not sure how I'll get my work done, I was going pull all priviledges (this includes computer as well as my locking all phone handsets but one in the trunk of my car). I needed to go to work but at 5'6" and 115lb, compared to my 5'9" and 118lb currently, and she's younger and a lot stronger, there was no way to force her to do anything. So I resorted to what I didn't want to do...

9) I know mutual friends(?) were going to be in town today. I called wife who is still "iffy" with me because of our views on WH and asked if she was still willing to help me with DD if need be (she'd offered prior). They agreed to come and "babysit" the little devil while I went in to work for a few hours to help someone and to grab what I needed to work from home.

10) I'm just getting off the phone with her and WH called. I did answer his call because I knew he was worried about DD. BROKEN NO-CONTACT, AGAIN!!! Kept the conversation to the fact that she was home and safe, and to what the officer spoke to her about.

11) I know the babysitters I chose might not have been the ideal, but given the circumstances, I was out of ideas. Everyone else I knew was at work. At least, no one was going to get drunk at my house because there's very little alcohol, and they only smoked in here a little. They created a little of a detention center atmosphere and she definitely hated it, but by the end of the time they said she was actually speaking and was willing, for the 10 minutes of phone priviledges they gave her, to sit in the L/R with them to do the talking.

12) However, they also called WH and told him to get himself over to my house after work to talk with his daughter. They're trying to force the two of them to address their issues with each other (two very stubborn, immature peas from the same pod, though one as a bit more of an excuse at 14 to be immature than the other does). I told them I was plenty busy at work and would not be home until he left, but I was fine with him spending some time, supervised in case it got verbally ugly, with is daughter who he's not seen or talked to in nearly a month.

13) He's angry with me, I'm sure. He left a couple messages on my cell phone before he went there asking me to call him. I ignored them. He left another shortly before he left my house and said in a rather short tone, "I'm leaving, you can come home now." I have not called him at all since.

14) When I came home, I did spend some time talking with DD about her actions and the consequences. She still doesn't really get it. She doesn't understand why I have to be so "stupid" and not let her call people or why I won't let her have friends over tomorrow.

But, I did another bad thing (because it was killing me to know): I asked her how her conversation with her dad went. She said she hates him. She said he told her that I made him move out (semi-true) and that we need our space and that I've forced a no contact on him. He's turning it to make it sound like I'm the one pushing for the divorce. He also asked her how she'd feel if he and I did divorce. This all really hurts and scares me, because it dashes my hopes and makes me think that it really may have been the kiss of death.

He also told her (per friends who listened to them talk) that he knows what he's doing is wrong.

She told me he drank my wine while he was here. I did have a very old, and most likely very flat smaller bottle of Amana wine in my frig and it's gone. On one hand, this irritates me because he's still drinking to cope. On the other hand if that's all he drank, he was probably dying, because I'm sure it was incredibly hard to come and face the daughter he's doing this to.

They said she cried the majority of the conversation with him (which she tries HARD not to do because it distorts her bad-a** reputation, and that he looked like he was having a tough time, too.

So, that's pretty much my story. In three days, I've broken contact during two if them. Yestarday I got all the way through, though I was going nuts not being able to hear his voice and like I said, almost drove by his apartment.

I just feel so lonely. I know he's not really been in my bed the way I want him to be in two months, but now that it's becoming so real and so possible that he might never be back in it again (I'm not even speaking of SF here), I miss him so much. I just want him there beside me to snuggle with. Dogs are good to a point, especially mine bacause between the two, they weigh about 150lb, but I SO MUCH would rather it was him pressed up against me (no offense, pooches).

So, am I going to make it? Am I cracking? Have I already blown it beyond repair?

These are the issues that make it so hard to figure out the contact thing with. I'm okay with everything until it starts to involve the kids, and then I have a hard time, especially when one basically runs away over night (and no, we still don't exactly know where she was or who she was with, because she was dropped off at the corner and walked to our house--I couldn't see the car and she won't volunteer the info).

Sorry about the length. I'm more than a little windy anyway, and this has been one heck of a day. I'm glad in another 1/2 hour I will hopefully feel safe going to sleep and not having her sneak out. I figure by midnight, most of her potential run-away buddies should have dried up for the evening.

LL

<small>[ February 27, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL,

Boy, that was long! My suggestion would be to just move forward from here and stay dark. If you want this to work, that is. If you don't want it to work, then continue contact. It's all up to you.

But, I will tell you that your H will have absolutely no respect for your Plan B letter or anything else you say if you don't start doing what you said you would do. He won't take you seriously.

And please get help for your daughter.

Hi LL

I don't think you handled things that badly. You've just started Plan B, next time call the mutual friends in order to let H know about the children. My advice would be to just keep it to the children, if he wants to know anything else he can find out for himself.

Your D needs something to do, she might not be in school but she should still be required to learn, and be accountable for her time. I don't know why she is given free time anyways, she hasn't earned it. Is it possible to hire a tutor for her so that she is required to learn her school work even though not in school. You could always try a bootcamp.

Don't worry about the fog talk you WH is throwing around, it isn't worth listening to. Really I wouldn't even ask him to talk to your D simply because of his current actions and situation. There is nothing your D could learn from him except his vices.

Hope your weekend goes well.

God Bless

To all,

I DO want this to work. I get rather depressed because I do to the recovery board and read every once in a while and I realize that most people either had the decency to end the A right at D-day or during Plan A, that Plan B never became reality. Is it your feeling that most Plan B'ers end up D?

It's just so hard not to talk to him. LIke I said, I miss him so much. The night I gave him the Plan B letter and we hugged before he left, it was SO nice. I want that again from him.

Our tax refunds hit my bank account yesterday. I need to get his 1/2 to him. I think I'm going to transfer it directly to his checking, but then will have to find someone I trust with the figures and info to call him.

As for DD, she's a very difficult situation. She's very street-wise and can play the games very well. She IS back in school again, though not her regular HS. I appealed the decision and with help the school therapist I see, was able to get her into the alternative school for our north suburbs. It's much better than the regular city one--still the troublemaker kids, but only about 53 students in the entire building which is made up of maybe 8 rooms. Very small-hard to get away with anything there. She actually seems to like it there. It's a work-at-your-own pace thing with no homework required, which is much better for someone with ADHD.

As for the out-of-school behavior, that's much tougher. Still working on it. Therapy hasn't been successful with her. Bootcamp, while I've considered it - too expensive, are tutors.

WH and I didn't have a lot of extra $ when we were together. Now that we have two residences, it's really tight, though manageable unless I add a new payment to it.

Anyway, I will try to stay dark. I HAVE managed not to see him since the letter. He was at the house last night with DD, but I didn't come home until after I knew he was gone.

I need hear some success stories with Plan B. Maybe that'd give me a little more encouragement.

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> To all,

I DO want this to work. I get rather depressed because I do to the recovery board and read every once in a while and I realize that most people either had the decency to end the A right at D-day or during Plan A, that Plan B never became reality. Is it your feeling that most Plan B'ers end up D?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, most do not end up in divorce from Plan B nor do most end the affair in Plan A. In fact, Harley says it is rare that one doesn't have to go into Plan B in order to end the affair.


I think you are looking for a guarantee and there are no guarantees.

You are guaranteed failure, though, if you keep doing what you were doing. As you can see, it didn't work and will never work because Plan A doesn't work on a alcoholic. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting results.

You have evidence that your plan doesn't work, why do you keep looking for excuses to go back to a failed plan? Why not apply the same level of scrutiny to your old plan as you are to Plan B?

<small>[ February 28, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Not looking for an excuse to get back out of plan. Just grasping for little straws of hope that it might work and we might not end up D.

Remember, I'm a weakling--trust me, no matter what everyone keeps telling me about how strong they think I am, I said I've just learned how to act very well (I hear it at work, too). Inside, I'm still all butterflies and fear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know I do have to do something to not only maintain my love for him, but just to maintain sanity (and maybe gain some weight back so I don't have to buy a new wardrobe all in size 4 tall and then safety-pin the waists to make them small enough like I am right now.) Everyone else wants to lose weight--well my goal is to GAIN about 10-15 pounds so my clothes fit again.

I realize it's not just the A I'm dealing and stressing about. I really have three major issues.

1) A - enough said about that one. But I can get out of the center ring by going to Plan B which is what I'm trying to do.

2) DD - I AM the center ring. No getting out of that one. So I have to be strong.

3) Work - a major nightmare that keeps getting more and more stressful. You'd be amazed at how many in my department are currently in therapy. I am only holding on because I work in the corporate office of a retirement community management company and it is a very good job with good benefits. One of the owners we manage for is building a very upscale retirement community in our city (imagine that, rich people actually wanting to retire in Iowa???).

If all goes well, and I don't make some major screw up, I've all but been offered the position of director of accounting for the community when it opens in spring 2005 (I would BE the person I now work to train in my corporate job). I know my company isn't totally thrilled, but I made it clear 5 years ago when this thing first became an idea, that I wanted to apply for the job. The owners really like me--I work with their other 9 communities, and my company knows that even though they really don't want to lose me there after 19 years, I'd be an asset for them at the other place (and the stress level would be lower and there'd be no travel, and it's not a corporate environment...so I hang on, work hard, and hope.)

So as hard as it is to let go of WH right now, it's about the only truly controllable piece of stress I have, which is a little more motivation to do it. I just need some glimmers of hope that the odds might be in my favor that in the end, we'll be together. Remember--accountant--odds are numbers--we like numbers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> Not looking for an excuse to get back out of plan. Just grasping for little straws of hope that it might work and we might not end up D.

So as hard as it is to let go of WH right now, it's about the only truly controllable piece of stress I have, which is a little more motivation to do it. I just need some glimmers of hope that the odds might be in my favor that in the end, we'll be together. Remember--accountant--odds are numbers--we like numbers. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL, it is pure illiusion that you have any control over your marriage or your H. You have none whatsoever, you have proved that yourself already. If you had any control, he would be sober and at home today. He is not.

If you want odds, take a hard look at your past plan. It failed, didn't it? That is the evidence you need to consider but you keep overlooking that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our tax refunds hit my bank account yesterday. I need to get his 1/2 to him. I think I'm going to transfer it directly to his checking, but then will have to find someone I trust with the figures and info to call him.

WH and I didn't have a lot of extra $ when we were together. Now that we have two residences, it's really tight, though manageable unless I add a new payment to it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your DH and the OW should appreciate the extra drinking money while you sit there with tight finances trying to raise 2 kids and maintain your household. Your finances are tight because he moved out to be with his OW, so why in the world would you contribute to his self destruction when your finances are tight??

Are you trying out for the ENABLING QUEEN AWARD???? YOU'RE KILLING ME!!

Finances--let me explain further:

In all fairness, he gets the 1/2 of the tax refund because it truly is his half from 2003 (a fair part of which he was faithful and dry). I am not screwing him out of money, because he is very willingly letting me have access via internet to his checking account to txfr money weekly to mine for child support (and based on IA's child support tables, so I'm not getting shorted) each week. It is probably the only area of our life where we have always been completely honest and fair with each other.

He could have played dirty with me and said "no way will I give you anything" and I'd have had to file for legal separation to get it (more $ out of my pocket for an atty). He's playing fair with the finances, so I am as well. We both knew we were getting a refund because the way I set up the withholding, we get one each year of approximately the same amount. We both count on it, whether together or not. It would be grossly unfair of me to hold his half back, and still expect him to willingly dole out the child support, which would make for quite a bit of drinking/dining out $ for him and OW.

As for the odds things--really, I'm not looking for any excuses to change my plan. Really, really!! I'm just trying to find something that will make me feel like there is hope. Like I have probably said a hundred times before, I am not at the point where I'm ready to face the reality that my M is most likely over. I want to believe that we will weather this and will be back together and stronger for it.

LL

<small>[ February 28, 2004, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL,

It is "fair" and equitable for him to pay child support for his children. You should not expect any less. It is NOT fair for you to finance his drunken lifestyle and love nest with JOINT MONEY that will take money away from you and your children. He has created a financial deficit by moving out into his love nest, the least that should happen is that this money goes to pay for the shortage he has incurred with his nonsense.

Instead of worrying about being fair to him, and giving him drinking money for himself and the OW, why not be "fair" to your children and yourself and pay your bill? He doesn't deserve it. Don't contribute to his deliquency in order to garner some brownie points. Take care of your kids.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>
As for the odds things--really, I'm not looking for any excuses to change my plan. Really, really!! I'm just trying to find something that will make me feel like there is hope. Like I have probably said a hundred times before, I am not at the point where I'm ready to face the reality that my M is most likely over. I want to believe that we will weather this and will be back together and stronger for it.

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But isn't that the point of Plan B? The point is not to END the marriage, but to hopefully bring him around to his senses with a much needed wake up call. It is no guarantee, but at the very WORST it will allow you to detach and get some semblance of sanity back into your life.

ML,

But isn't that the point of Plan B? The point is not to END the marriage, but to hopefully bring him around to his senses with a much needed wake up call.

That's what I want to believe. I guess I'm grasping for evidence from people who can tell me firsthand that it was what worked to save their marriage, not to destroy it. Again, not going to end it...going to try hard on the no-contact thing. Just that hope makes it easier to go on day by day than does thinking this is heading for the end.

As for the tax refund, I AM withholding from his 1/2 the amount he charged on our joint charge card to pay it back to zero. I am NOT responsible for that bill. I'm giving him what remains of his half. In reality, he probably is the one hurting financially much more than me (and good for that!) because I make more all year than he does. He gets the rest of his in the form of a year-end bonus that is not a guaranteed deal.

I am getting my performance bonus in another 2 weeks. It's a decent sum, and he knows nothing about it, nor is he getting any of it because it in my eyes is NOT joint (unless, of course, he files D and then the whole darned savings account I'm contributing to will be split down the center as will my very nice 401K which will be considered joint property).

I want to be back together with him because I love him and miss him dearly, and want to make more memories like the ones we've made over the last 23 years (the good ones--I'd chuck the bad ones). But there are some serious financial implications if we D. He will come out much better in the end than I would. Iowa is a no-fault state.

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> ML,

But isn't that the point of Plan B? The point is not to END the marriage, but to hopefully bring him around to his senses with a much needed wake up call.

That's what I want to believe. I guess I'm grasping for evidence from people who can tell me firsthand that it was what worked to save their marriage, not to destroy it. Again, not going to end it...going to try hard on the no-contact thing. Just that hope makes it easier to go on day by day than does thinking this is heading for the end.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What will destroy your H is if you continue to enable him to stay drunk. Your marriage doesn't have a chance unless he hits bottom and sobers up. And he has no motivation whatsoever to sober up until you quit enabling him and cut him off. I realize you miss him, but this is not about your feelings, but about what is best for him, isn't it?

Yes, I want what's best for him. (But then the selfish side of me that Mom wrote about in my baby book comes out and says "But in addition, I want him to end up in our marriage.")

See, I need to find me a "How to not be selfish" 12-step program.

I am an emotionally driven person (unusual for an accountant, especially one who is VERY ananytical), and even though that doesn't mean I'm one of those people who cry at the drop of a hat, I do have to really work hard not to let emotions rule my life over good common sense. Levelheadedness, along with patience, are not traits I possess, sadly.

Anyway, may WH spend his part of the tax refund quickly (which unless he's REALLY changed, he will, probably on taking OW out and on Harley accessories, because finances aren't his strong suit), and then that's all he really has to count on coming in until next Christmas, unless he starts selling his things.

LL

It'a a rare nice day here today, and I'm blue. I'm rather angry at myself because I'm whining to my pastors over my problems and there is now a family in my church who's problems are far greater because they just lost their wife and mother suddenly two days ago.

My one pastor did try and make me feel better--said although their grief is very great right now, they have closure and they know she's in Heaven, and they'll go on and heal, but that mine is a continual spiral right now with no closure and no end, so it may in it's way be harder.

I think a lot of my pain right now, besides that coming from loneliness and wanting my M back, is that I am a Christian and my WH has walked completely away from everything having to do with God. I am so afraid for his eternal future. Now I know because the weather is nice, I'm positive he's riding the Harley this weekend and that adds to my fear (I know, remind me over and over that I can't control him. I'm just expressing that I'm having a LOT of difficulty because I care so much about him and his future.)

Add to this that my DD who is having multitudes of problems and going further downhill, informed me yesterday that she does not believe in God, Jesus, Hell or anything of the sort, to not push anything on her, and that she's perfectly happy the way she is.

So now I have not one but two who are ripping my heart out and I'm feeling like I must have been the most horrible mother now in the world for not staying on her more when she was little (and the most horrible wife for not putting my foot down with WH before things got ugly).

I'm thankful that I CAN turn to my faith in God, but right now it's weak because I'm weak and I'm really having a hard time feeling like doing anything. I felt stronger when I first gave him the Plan B letter (or right before) than I do now.

Yes, still trying hard on the no contact. I left my cell phone shut off from yesterday evening until just a little while ago just in case--that's the phone WH always calls. (But then I would have to admit I was almost hoping there'd be a message from him, and of course there isn't, which is how it's supposed to be.)

So, WH is probably riding Harley with OW right now. DD is VERY angry with me because I grounded her, and I'm having to keep a very watchful eye on her. I'm totally depressed, and am now going to have to force myself to do the work I brought from the office that I didn't do yesterday.

It's one of those days where I'd like to crawl back in bed, take a sleeping pill, and just cease to exist for a while. I worry that this feeling will become permanent if he doesn't come back to me. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way.

LL