I have been married to my one and only love for 25 years. He is 45 I am 42.We have 3 great kids the youngest is 19. My H has been increasingly unhappy for months.... He started drinking beer at night and taking sleepaides to sleep. I asked him 4 months ago what was wrong..he said just feeling lost...not knowing what was wrong. Just before christmas he tells me he doesnt know what he wants...does'nt love me "like that". I ask him to take some time and think about things and see if we can work through this.
I know he has always had women friends (it drives me crazy) women flock to him and he's not a great looking guy. He is every womans friend & confidante. This is not the first time we have had issues concerning this. He admits he has a problem needing womens attention.The difference is this time he is seeing someone for sure. He admits to lunches, breaks at work etc. I then find out he has been taking her to family things like the christmas parade(my daughter was in)and my daughters horse show. He swears they are just friends. I got angry & told him to get out. He did.I am sooo confused...I love him, but I hate him. Sex is not the issue. He is taking my time with him and givivng it to her behind my back. It's still not right.He also has not paid bills since november.Iwork but cannot make it on my own. I am losing everything.My husband,my only love,my future family bond,my home, my car, my life.Why is he doing this?I think it's mid life crisis. I dont think i'll survive.
He's always had the issue with women friends..he's always been financilly challenged,but, he never had a problem saying I love you before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

As I was reading your post it was like reading my own life for the last year and half. My H and I were together for 22yrs. We only have one child who is 14. It is a very devasting experience. My husband left Aug/03 one week before our twentieth anniversay. In the beginning it was very hard for me to deal with and it still is, for the simple fact he gives no explanation for what he has done.
On the night he told me about the OW I asked him why? He stated that it wasn't me, I didn't do anything.He stated that I was great, that he loved me, that he didn't want to lose me, that I was his best friend, his oldest friend. But, he had to find out for himself about this OW and he that he was afraid I wouldn't be here for him when he realized he messed up(his words). Well, it was devasting enough to find out that he was having an affair, but to come right out and say he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, that was a little too much. He still has not given me an explanation. He states he doesn't know, he needs more time. My advise, and I'm trying to live it. Be strong and try to get on with your life. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

thank you for your response... it is good to have someone to talk to that has been there. I still have no actual admission to an affair but, in my heart i feel it's true. I dreamed it many times before I found out about her seeing him on those little"outings". I even dreamed it was her more than once...I never saw him with someone else>>>>funny isnt it. I think In my heart I have known for a while by the way they looked at each other...body language etc. that both of them had feelings for each other. She is married also. She began their relationship by sharing her sad story about how she the long suffering wife has put up with so much from her man. I wonder if he says the same about me. I am very low tonight.....I feel like my world walked away. I have family that loves me and my co workers say...good riddence ..they know all i have put up with. I was raised in a christian home and believe in forever....No one expects forever...but me.
Keep me in your prayers....
I really need them. My tears are interfering with my typing so bye for now & thanks again

luvmetrue,

He swears they are just friends.

I heard this at first, too, and as much as I wanted to believe it, I knew from his changed behavior it wasn't true. He came clean a couple weeks later.

I think it's mid life crisis. I dont think i'll survive.

Oh yeah! Been there, thought that, too! I do think my WH's A may have been jump-started by mid-life crisis, too. This year was his 20-yr class reunion, and he was having trouble dealing with it. He met OW a couple months later.

As for surviving, I truly had days where I couldn't believe I would survive until tomorrow, and frankly didn't want to. I've lost lots of weight, I've been a mental basket case, but I am still surviving several months later, and I'm actually getting a little stronger.

next20yrs,

He stated that I was great, that he loved me, that he didn't want to lose me, that I was his best friend, his oldest friend. But, he had to find out for himself about this OW

Ouch, heard this almost word-for-word.

He states he doesn't know, he needs more time.

That I believe is an exact quote from my H. I still drive myself crazy sometimes trying to figure out what he sees in OW, or why he's doing it, but I'm doing it less and less. I will admit I haven't gotten to the point where I can possibly imagine life without him. I still live daily with the hope and prayers that we weather this in the end.

In the mean time, I pray that God will work in his heart, that God will keep me strong, and I'll say a prayer for the same for both of you right now.

LL

I will include you in my prayers. I'm so sorry that people have to go through this kind of pain. I too was brought up in a Christian home. I believe that H and the OW will never truly be happy. Their whole relationship is based on lies. She(OW)also used the she was abused line to get my husband to continue seeing her. He told me he tried to break things off with her twice. Well, if he was a stronger person then it wouldn't have gone as far as it did. She didn't have the affair by herself. She is 40, the same age as myself and still lived at home with daddy. My H told her that I was an abusive person and that our son was in gangs and on drugs. All untrue. Her dad called me, after my H left and told me everything he had said about me and our son. The answering machine recorded the conversation, my H came over to the house and listened to the conversation. He came over every afternoon to check the messages after he left, what was he so worried about? Of course my H denied ever saying any of it and said that her dad was a cruel,mean man. Funny, he had said the same things to me when he was drunk, he was drinking a case of beer a day, plus taking pills.It's a wonder the man's even alive. You can't reason with someone like that, they have too many issues and evidentally alot of problems they are not willing to face. The bible clearly states that adultery is a sin and not condoned. The H and OW will truly get what they deserve, when they stand before God. You hang in there, I know it is hard, but it will get better.

lordslady,
I heard this at first,

I went through his mood swings and behavior changes for almost a year before he finally admitted it. After getting home around midnight one night, he sat at the computer and sang love songs. Well, he was drunk and loud. I woke up and walked into the computer room and he was writing something, which he turned over real fast as soon as I walked in. He looked at me and smiled. I walked up behind the chair he was sitting in and I put my arms around his neck and asked if he was singing me a love song. He just looked at me so strange, with tears in his eyes and said no. I stared at him for about a minute and walked out of the room. I went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I went to the gun room(as we call it)and looked out the window. On top of the gun safe was a old cigar box that we had bought at an antique store, years ago. I opened the box and inside was 12 dried roses and 2 crocheted bookmarks. I took the box to the computer room where he was still sitting at the desk. I asked him what this was for. He stated that he was making potpourri. He then looked at me and took my hand and told me that he loved me, with tears in his eyes. Two months later he went to a lawyer to consult about a divorce. One month later he walked out. He left me with a recently remodeled house, that we just put 60k into on top of the existing loan. He now expects me to sell the house. There is not that much equity in it, at this point. What really gets me is that the whole time we were remodeling the house, he was having the affair. Why get into more debt, if you're planning on leaving? Nothing really makes since about anything that he has done, said and continues to do. Mid-life crisis, loss of values, addiction, whatever you want to call it. IT'S WRONG. I found the partial letter that he was writing when I walked into the room, about two months after he left. He hid it under the computer moniter base. It was a love letter he was writing to his girlfriend.

For a while, I was wondering if my WH was suffering from a mid-life crisis, but since he will only be turning 33 at the end of this month, I have been assured that he is too young, that this is just an "ordinary" A.

However, I found a great book called "How to Survive Your Husband's Midlife Crisis" by Gay Courter and Pat Gaudette, and the book is based on the strategies and stories from the Midlife Wives Club. Their website is: www.midlifewivesclub.com.

Please check it out. It seemed like a pretty positive site like this one, and your WH's seem to be in the right age group.

Best of luck, and everyone here on these boards is in my prayers every day.

Love, Amy

I hate to say it but it sounds like your husband may be having an affair. My FWH and I have been married for 24 years and have two sons, 23 and 18.

Less than five months ago my H admitted to one PA. About five weeks later he admitted an earlier PA. The second one lasted six years and all together these two affairs spanned the last twelve years of our marriage.

Before my FWH confessed, there was a period of about one year that he grew increasingly distant, secretive, and quick tempered. I felt he was depressed and would ask what the problem was but he would say "nothing." I thought it was problems at work. I never dreamed he would betray him the way I later learned he had done.

When my H finally talked to me in September, he explained that he loved me but was no longer "in love with me." He said he didn't want a divorce but had been increasingly unhappy in our marriage. A week later he admitted his affair.

I had no indication before this that anything was wrong. He did not stay out late and was never gone overnight. He was seeing these women at their houses in the morning before he went to work. He was using vacation hours in the afternoon to spend time with them. He was seeing them at work -- they were both coworkers -- and talking to them on the phone and via emails (his work email, never at home). Although at times he left earlier in the morning for work (telling me that he had to be in early) but never was more than a few minutes late coming home.

He was very clever not to do anything to raise suspicions at home. That is until his mood changed at home and I noticed. By the time he told me about his affair, it had been ended by the other woman. I think that was the main source of the change in behavior -- he was mourning the loss of his lover.

I don't really have any suggestions. I just wanted to let you know there are others experiencing your pain -- you are not alone. My H has been to IC but has since stopped. He is remorseful but it has been difficult for me to overcome the feelings of anger and sadness. I am afraid I will never be able to trust him or anyone else again. I had complete trust in his loyalty and honesty and it is devastating to learn he was neither loyal or honest.

Take care -- my thoughts are with you.

luvmetrue

You have come to the right site for support and help.

If you want to save your marriage and win your husband back, there is a way to do it. Read all the articles in MB and the posting in here. Then you will understand what you need to do next. There is a plan and a strategy to do this.

Stick to the plan because you have no other choice.

Good luck and take care

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by luvmetrue:
<strong> He swears they are just friends. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excuse me a moment while I put on my Johnny One Note costume. ...... There I have it on.

There is a reason why the Dr. Shirley Glass named her recent and excellent book on affairs "NOT JUST FRIENDS".

Please read this book and get you husband to read it.

UN-BEEEElivable!!!!!!

These stories are all sooooo common!!!

It seems like a trigger goes off at 20 years, doesn't it???

We "celebrated" our 20th wedding anniv. while remodeling a HUD (low-cost gov't repo-) home we had just purchased. The celebration wasn't much, I'm ashamed to say. Mostly that was my fault, since we were so stressed out, and I really just FORGOT the date! That had never happened before.

Well, his brother came to help w/the remodeling, and THEN the "changes" began. He became more and more distant. Screaming at me about the smallest thing (we NEVER fought before). He started saying, "YOU're going to enjoy all this when it's done....."
I didn't get it. I would correct him, "WE'RE going to enjoy it......" He wouldn't say anything back.

His brother and SIL had been working behind the scenes to "set him up" with an old g/f from before me ( I THINK!}, cause now SIL worked w/her, blah, blah, blah.....Unbeknownst to me, they were having him talk to her, and they all worked out together how he was going to get the div. papers, etc. etc. and as soon as the house was ready, he would leave the papers and be gone. And so he did.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well, I did all Plan A, etc. that I could, considering he was WITH HER and living 150 miles away right from D/Day. That was the worst thing I have ever been through. We have been div'd almost 2 years, and he's been with her for almost 3 years.

I don't hear from him at all. I don't know if his life is *wonderful* or he!!.

Please don't assume I'm saying this will happen to all of you. I just wanted to lay some groundwork. Personally, I am very proud of all the changes I've made to me. I am a better person, and I believe will be a better wife.

I've gotten closer to God through all this, and now attending church on a much more regular basis than we did during most of our M.

So, with that introduction, let me say that I believe he will regain his BRAIN one day and realize what he gave away. I believe he will realize there is *NO ONE* he could be as happy with as we (once) were. He actually told me - on the day I was served div. papers!! that he owed me his life!!! That he wouldn't even be alive if I hadn't come along and "rescued" him from alcohol/drugs/messed up life.

So THIS is his "payment"?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> No, I didn't ask........

In order not to make this post too depressing (!) let me just add this: Read everything on this site. It is simply GREAT!!! Even if your (or my) H NEVER comes home, I AM a better person. I am a "healed" person. This does not have to be the destruction of YOU.

In addition, there are other things you can read. One of my favorites is "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. Carder says if the H leaves for what he calls an "Exit Affair" - meaning the H is in Mid-Life Crisis, it's HIS problem, he feels "life is passing him by.......he doesn't know what he might be missing......., blah, blah, blah.
He says this type of "crisis" might take as long as 3 years for a man to recover from.......to get it all out of his system (and they don't usually stay w/the ow they left for), and it takes awhile to realize that what he's chasing is still eluding him.

In the meantime, I am fine. I am living my life. There's really nothing I would do differently than I am doing. I don't date, but that is a personal decision, as I believe my H will come back to me. God has given me peace.

God Bless each of you.

<small>[ February 15, 2004, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

Thank you all for your letters...i don't feel so alone now. I am sorry that any of us have to go through this. My home goes on the market this week and I have no car now....He hasnt paid a payment or bill of any kind since nov. I have kept the house payment current but cant afford to stay here and it's not safe to adv. for a room mate. I owe my parents the down payment money back if there is any left over. I can discuss this with my mother but it brings back old memories and really upsets my father. You see, my dad left my mom after 20 years of marriage. Did not marry the OW but another 29 y.o. woman. Thay were married for 7 years. My parents remarried after being divorced for 20 years. They have been married for 3 years now. They are happy and he is back in church(we were raised in church). I think my dad is showing alot of guilt now seeing what i am going through...he wont even discuss it at all.
I am glad I have this sight because I dont want to open wounds in there home.
My H will not talk to me(been seperated 3 weeks now) he wont even get the rest of his clothes.I called and left a message for him to get them but he has no reply. I guess when i move I'll throw them out along with tools etc.
I wonder if he thinks about me as often as I do him...does he feel any remorse? I know I shouldnt feel this way but, I want him to suffer as much as me.

There is definetly something about 20 years that makes some spouses go nuts. My theory is that around 20 years the kids are either grown up (legal adults) or so very near that the spouse feels like he or she has done their duty. Who knows for sure? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Raising teenagers is very difficult and can certainly distract one from the marriage and meeting the needs or one's spouse. Maybe that sets up the potential wayward spouse for an affair. I can't say for sure. Sounds like there is a Master's or maybe a Doctorial thesis in there somwhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 15, 2004, 11:22 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>