did you ever come to a REAL point when you thought reconciliation would definately NOT happen? Did everything your WS do seem to point to the idea that maybe just maybe, the WS really was in love with the other person and perhaps it was just time to accept it and let it go?

What happened to make you actually believe that THIS time was REALLY different? Were you skeptical about giving it ANOTHER try? Did you gut tell you not to do it but you went against it?

My H is begging me to come home and while I haven't said no I haven't said yes either. We've been talking on the phone and when he tells me he misses me and loves me I tell him I do too b/c I really do.

Also I have a real *problem* with plan A. I think I get the jist of it but it sounds like it encourages one to hold bad emotions or feelings in which is something I have a REALLY hard time of doing. When I'm not happy, it comes out in a raw form. I've always been expressive of my emotions, very expressive! How can I still employ plan A when it's so hard for me to hold any emotions in, good or especially bad? Thanks!!!

Dear L,

I certainly understand your situation. I have been there done that waaaayy to many times.

Please read this thread and pay special attention to Mtthrrbard's response.

Plan A your spouse and Plan B the WS

I hope this thread will help. I wrote it for situations likes yours because at these times, the BS begins to wonder if it is really worth all the pain and suffering and starts to lose site of their M.

Please let us know your thoughts.

take care,
L.

Not trying to hi-jack Lovely's thread, but I found that article, referenced on another thread awhile ago, very helpful. I am a lot like Lovely, in that when I feel the deep hurt, I cannot hold it in. So, I do Plan B the WH - which right now is all the time because he is in fogland - and when I see glimpses of the H I know and love I am supportive, encouraging, and hopeful.

Thanks again, Orchid. I even asked that very question on my own thread - should I treat WH differently when he is in the fog and when he is out of the fog? And then I stumbled upon your answer. Lucky me.

Amy

I thought my H was going to leave me for the OW. She was very physically attractive and over 10 yrs younger than me. She was probably good in bed because she had slept with so many men and had been married a couple of times. He was under her spell. I spoke to an attorney, started planning my future. I thought it was over. Someone else said to him, your wife is a good catch, she'll be re married in 2 years. He never thought of that part, and that probably would have happened. It woke him up, also looking at old photos. Within a week he asked me not to leave, OW was gone in a month, but I still believe ther was contact for a period of time. Fast foward 3 yrs, recovery is going strong, still there are good days and bad for mr, but it is worth it. I am sure he had feelings for the OW, but not thee deep feelings a marriage is based on. Your H will see you growing and become afraid to loose you. Plan A, done correctly is about you, not him. That is the side effect, he will notice you moving foward with or without him.

Orchid that makes sense to me alot but unless I missed something, how can you do that if he's in your house? I can't or won't keep throwing him out and taking him back. I can't go through this crap anymore. I think if he tells me ONE MORE TIME he wants to be with OW I will say GO! AND STAY GONE!!! I won't even want to talk to him about the kids!!!

Lovely, I did tell my H that if he was going to see her not to bother coming home. It really depends on where you are in your life (kids, working) and what is important to you. If he had gone to her I would not have wanted him back. But each situation is different.

Lovely > my WH moved out in 12/02 while I was visiting family during the xmas holidays for 2 wks (claiming a midlife crisis and he was confused?) Then confessed to 3 mth PA (out of guilt) in Jan. 03. Begged for forgiveness and a chance to rebuild a "better marriage." - I reluctantly agreed and went into Plan A for 9 long mths (looking back, I was in Plan A WAY TOO LONG....) thought things were getting back to normal only to be told "ONCE AGAIN" in September 03 that he never left the OW (wow, did he ever play the part of a loving, husband and father!) sorry he said, I didn't change FAST ENOUGH, he didn't love me anymore, in fact, he hasn't loved me for 10+ years now (yeah, like I believe that one. He also stated that he "pretended" to love me for the past 9 months and show me affection to make me feel better? What???? We separated immediately per my request (I was so heartbroken), he moved out, back to the OW's house he went and I filed for divorce 2 weeks later. I "thought" I could try again, but in my heart, I knew it was OVER, at least FOR NOW - I needed time to think, time away from him,... - looking at him disgusted me, talking to him made me sick to my stomach and knowing he had betrayed me the 2nd time after I trusted him AGAIN was too much for me too handle - however..................

In answer to your question, reconciliation for me is still possible (though very slim chance) but I will be honest and say that based upon his actions right now, he has no intentions of returning to our marriage. You see, he ABANDONED me and my (2) daughters for this OW and her 15 yr son. He told my children that unless they accept this OW as his new partner, he will not be part of their lives. How cruel is that? Since our daughters refused to accept her, he decided to have no contact with us. Sadly, our divorce will be final in about 3 weeks; he has done absolutely nothing to help me or our daughters through this nightmare. He continues to shack up with this OW, get tatoos on his arms and ride his Harley into the sunsets! (I would like to add that this is NOT the person I married 20 years ago!)

My family and friends continue to tell me "move on" you deserve much better etc... - Yes, I do deserve someone who will love me and my daughters with all their heart, but giving up on a 24 year relationship is SO PAINFUL. I will never say "never" (despite the heartache he has caused)

I want the man I married 20 years ago as do all of the BS's. Believe me when I say I would not just take him back to have our family back together again. NOPE!! - this man has ALOT of kissing A** to do and would have to rebuild his relationship with our daughters FIRST before I would EVER consider being his friend again. I would never accept the mean, cruel, ugly, selfish person he has become. For now, my daughters and I struggle with the extreme pain and devastation he has caused. We have moved 2000 miles away from him and have very LIMITED CONTACT because thats what he chose, not us. He never fought for custody, he never fought for the marriage again, he wanted OUT, he wanted no family responsibilities (I'm still confused though because he now lives with the OW and her 15 yr old son?)

Its amazing how much love and patience I have, despite what he has done to our family. I am SLOWLY moving forward with my life and trying to be the best mom possible. My daughters and I now have a much stronger bond and most importantly, continue to show love to each other everyday. No matter what happens, I did everything to save our marriage, to salvage our family life... I have absolutely NO GUILT and continue to hold my head up high! I pray that someday I will once again be loved by someone special (whether that be a new spouse or my new improved husband) and that I will feel that special love again in my life. Take Care!

Me (BS) 41
(WH) 42
(2) Daughters: 14 and 16 yrs.
Separated 9/03
Divorce finalized 3/15/04
**Taking one day at a time - continue to pray for strength and courage to get us through this pain**

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lovely:
<strong> ....how can you do that if he's in your house? I can't or won't keep throwing him out and taking him back. I can't go through this crap anymore. I think if he tells me ONE MORE TIME he wants to be with OW I will say GO! AND STAY GONE!!! I won't even want to talk to him about the kids!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Lovely,

It is hard to enact any type of plan B while the WS is physically in the home but it is possible. Think hard, what of his ENs are you and the family meeting?

Once you identify that, then when you see his WS personality come up, you stop dead in your tacks meeting those needs. The results may spill over into his 'spouse' personality time. At that time you can apologize for any hurt but let him know that his split personality conduct makes it difficult to know how to treat him without causing you and your family such pain.

If he is still your spouse by the end of your explanation, you will know by his remorseful expression. If he morphed back to the Ws, he will be spiteful and again it is time to pull back and NOT communicate further. Even if you have to stop in the middle of a sentence and walk away.

The WS may go and stomp out of the home, threaten to move out, threaten D, whatever. He is a WS at the time, let him run his rampage away from you and the family. Tell him so. Show him the door and tell him to take his attitude with those who act like him....... It is vital to protect your family from further hurt.

That is what you need him to hear. What he does with that info is his business. In reality you and your family will learn to cope with his actions. Not reacting but being proactively protective of your family ahead of meeting his needs.

JMHO,
L.

A friend of mine took a job and moved when her husband wouldn't give up his lover. That's what led to reconciliation and end of affair. However, they have a distant marriage right now and she's not sure she made the right decision to reconcile.

I can say that I got to the point of not being interested in reconciling at Thanksgiving and what I did was offer the MB program to my H. You can go or not. That's basically what I said. No threat. He decided to go.

Well, we just got the follow up program which is when the couple really learns to meet each other's needs, so I don't know that it's even appropriate for me to be addressing your question, but it does seem to be a really structured way to address all our concerns and build each other's needs. Last night, we each told the other how Love Bank balances can be built easily. We also discussed how we can tell each other about Love Bank balance withdrawals without being critical.

If you look at my number of times on MB, I've been around a lot, strugging with how to deal with my H's affair.

You might want to consider telling your he can go through MB with you starting with their next seminar.

By the way, my IC had me go through a Plan B without separation, and while it did calm me down it did nothing for our M. He didn't touch me for six months. Since he was still doing nothing to build my desire to be with him, because I was not allowing it, I was more or less preparing for divorce. Now I'm all ready to divorce, but what I want is a good marriage.

I can honestly say today that my WS WAS in love with the OW. It wasn't fog or fantasy...it was the real thing.
What made me believe it were his actions....and the fact that we'd had problems for so long that he really wasn't in love with me anymore....he had NO feelings left for me at that time.
When my WS and the OW ended it on their own it was a while before my WS made the decision that he wanted to have a relationship with me....and by that time....I was over it.
I was VERY skeptical about getting back together with him. Actually told him that I just wanted us to get to know each other first and then see where it goes from there.
I went on my gut feelings...and it worked for me.