I'm in the air force and I will probably have to deploy this year. My WW is living with OM and my hope of us reconciling is growing slimmer by the day. Anyway, I need someone to care for my 2 Ds while I'm deployed. My girls will not stay with their mother because her house is too small and they don't like OM. So, I wanted to give my WW the chance to watch over them in my home but I'm not sure how to ask her about this. I don't want to be disrespectful and my first draft of the letter I've written sounds pretty bad. Anyway, could someone help me with writing this so I don't make things worse... Thanks..

Here's my first draft:
Wife,
I’m not sure if I will have to, but there is a good possibility I may have to deploy sometime this year. I need to find a person to watch the girls while I’m gone. I know you probably are thinking that I don’t even have to think about this because you would probably do this. However, I do have to think about this because we are not the same people we used to be. There are some issues that will bother you as well as me about this. I do not want OM to come into my home while I’m gone. If you have a problem with this I will find someone else to watch the girls. I also need to know if you would take care of the bills. You are still on my checking account, but I’m leery about all of this. The Air Force also has gotten involved and I have to have your address and phone information for Emergency contact. If you do not have a physical address, I will need directions to your house. There is a letter that you will have to sign stating that you will be the legal guardian while I’m gone. If you have any problems with any of this, again, I will find someone else to do these things. I don’t want a stranger in my house, but I will do what I have to to provide for Elise and Corina.
Husband

Please critique and add suggestions....

LWH,

First thought: Get your wife off your checking account and have another family member, close friend, whatever, take care of the bills while you are deployed. I wouldn't trust her with the finances at this time.

Second thought is that I would not bring up the care of the girls until you are fairly certain deployment is going to happen. Otherwise, it seems like some sort of ploy or manipulation on your part. In the meantime, seek out other avenues should your wife not be amenable to your plan to have her stay in the house (sans OM).

That having been said, I would suggest a little more clarity for your letter:

Wife,

I have learned I will likely be deployed in (month) and I have been thinking about how to arrange care for the girls when that happens.

I would appreciate it if you would come to the house and stay with the girls in my absence. However, I hope you can respect that I would not want OM in our home or around our girls. That would mean, of course, that you limit your contact with him to times that you can be away from the home without the girls.

I think you caring for the girls in our home while I am away would be best for them, but if you honestly feel you can not keep them separated from OM, please just say so and I will start working on other arrangements for their care.

Also, the Air Force will require your address and phone information for emergency contact. If you do not have a physical address, I will need directions to your house. There is also a letter that you will have to sign stating that you will be the legal guardian of the girls while I’m gone.

If you are uncomfortable with any of this, again, please just say so and I will find someone else to do these things for me and the girls.

Husband

Snowbelle and JazzeyGirl,
Thank you for your replies. Snowbelle, your letter is very good and I may end up using it. As for taking my WW off of my checking account, well, as many lies and deceit as she has done, I still feel comfortable with the thought of her staying on my checking accounts. Though she has not supported me or the girls very much, I don't believe she would do anything that bad. I may be wrong there also, and I may try to find a better solution. I know there is a good possibility of me getting deployed. I didn't plan on giving her the letter until I had better idea when I'd be going. I know it is a ways off, but I will probably be going somewhere between now and Sept. I just need to know that my girls will be taken care of...

LWH,

I admire your sentiments,but I believe you really need to rethink what you are asking and doing.

Your W is still with OM, she should NOT be on your checking account especially IF you are indeed deployed.

Next, you CAN NOT leave a 16 year old in charge of a 13 year old, EVEN if your WW agrees to look after them. That is called abandonment, and you will lose your children if you do that. Some adult needs to live with them IF you are deployed. Your WW may be willing to move back, but OM WILL come with her you can bet on that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So you need to consider your D's living with another family member while you are gone.

This brings me to the last part. I have been following your story for a long time. I am NOT sure if you have a legal separation with custody established. IF you do not you need that before making the sort of decision you are considering. If you do have custody, having your WW looking after the children while you are gone is going to lead to you losing the children in all likelihood.

You need to talk to your JAG office, and you need to talk to a civilian lawyer and get some real SOLID facts about how to handle any possible deployment. In fact given your family situation you may be able to get them to forego deployment.

Do your home work NOW. Send such a letter much later to your WW IF you are in fact deployed.

That is my advice.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
You have brought up some very good points. I haven't really considered all the aspects of this situation. I live in Alaska and have no relatives up here. I'm in the military and they are my "real" family here. But, I don't know anyone well enough to put in the position to care for my girls. I always thought my W would be there, but that is not the case anymore. I think my W would come and stay with them but then I'm sure OM will come over also. W's house is too small and I wouldn't be able to fly the girls down to the lower 48 and dirupt their lives. There is definately more thought in this than what I've given...

As for WW and my situation. There is no separation laws in Alaska. You are either married or not. I don't want a divorce so I can't do much about that situation right now. And as far as custody, child support etc, I haven't really looked into it. I was hoping it would never come to that. I guess its getting close to that time now though. Thanks again for the advice. I need to do a lot more homework on the subject....