My husband left 6 weeks ago,after being married for 19 years, at first he told me it was because he was confused, he didnt think he was in love with me anymore, etc. Then 1 week after he left he called me and told me he wanted to come home. I told him that we needed to talk and he came over and we decided he could come home and we would go to counseling. The next day he didnt show up and I called him , he spilled his guts that he has feelings for a co-worker that he told me all along was just a good friend. He says that 2 weeks before he left he found out that she had left her husband and it couldnt control his feelings for her any longer. He says that there relationship hasnt progressed to intercourse yet, but they have done alot of kissing. ( I dont believe this ) Since he left I have been very understanding when he comes to the house, he is always very emotional and crying. He misses the kids terribly. I always take him into another room after he tells the kids and dogs good bye and hug him and comfort him. I always tell him over and over again that I would welcome him back into our home. That I still love him very deeply and that my love has always been unconditional. Everytime I tell him that he gets angry and eventually storms out. He will not even consider at this point seperating from the girlfriend. He is now talking about moving in with her to be closer to the kids. Yea, I am sure that is the reason is moving in with her. She is much younger, and lives a totally different lifestyle than we do. We are both professionals and have a great circle of friends that we get together with every other week. We just moved into our dream house and have worked on many projects around the house together.

He just told me this weekend that it is over between us he just doesnt feel that he loves me and that he thinks he is in love with the girlfriend. He said he has been struggling with his feelings of not loving me for about 5 years now.

About 5 years ago we closed our business that we worked at together for a long time. He took a job at a company that was a former client and I took a job also. His company is a party company, mostly single younger women. Some are older women, but again most are single. Over the years we have had problems because I dont approve of him going out after work with mostly women and staying out until 3am. Now, look where we are.

I have not implemented plan B, because I just discovered this site.....I have begged and begged for him to come home and I get kicked in the face everytime I do it......please guide me, this man is my best friend and has been a wonderful dad and I just cant imagine my future without him..

Please help me!

Resaann

I totally understand your feeling. We are all here with something similar. Please clam yourself down and read all the Q&A and PlanA/PlanB stuff. If you go to Just found out, read What should I do? posted by me, there are a lot of good advice posted by these friends. These advices are extremely helpful. Do not beg him, it will only push him away.

resanne,

Welcome to the forum. It's not time to implement Plan B because you are not finished with Plan A. Have you exposed this affair? Who knows about it? Let me give you cerri's guidelines for Plan A:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So...stop begging, pleading, or coddling. Plan A is about making the marriage look like an attractive alternative to the affair. In spite of the fact that his new life may seem more attractive to him right now...that won't last...ESPECIALLY if he moves in with her. That is one of the fastest ways to end an affair.

I think you should contact a good coach...like the Harleys or cerri. Your Plan A should not last much longer...only until you have completed the necessary steps of stopping lbs, confronting and exposing. I suspect that cerri would put you in Plan B pretty shortly because really...that's where you need to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by resaann:
I always take him into another room after he tells the kids and dogs good bye and hug him and comfort him. I always tell him over and over again that I would welcome him back into our home. That I still love him very deeply and that my love has always been unconditional. Everytime I tell him that he gets angry and eventually storms out.

I have begged and begged for him to come home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like you are doing quite well, considering. Might I suggest you S-T-O-P the "begging" for him to come home, though.

I understand being devastated, and wanting your "old life" back.....we've all been there. But your begging, pleading behavior is going to appear very unbecoming to him. At this point, you've got to maintain your dignity and let him know quietly that you still love him. In other words, "a good Plan A. It appears you are doing that. Good for you!

He gets angry when you tell him you love him because he is conflicted, and knows he is hurting you, but my dear, he is addicted to the "high" of this new love {YUCK!!!} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Is she M'd? If so, call and tell her H.

If you have not, take time to read all the Concepts about Affairs written my Dr. Harley on this site. You can get to the Concepts pages by clicking on the "Concepts" link at the top of this page.

Your M CAN be saved!! That's the good news. The bad news is it may take a LOT of work and T-I-M-E. He may be "involved" w/ow for quite awhile. Are you prepared to be in this for the long haul?

I suggest you begin today to strengthen yourself. Take good care of yourself. Force yourself to eat every day. MAKE yourself try to rest. Put this whole mess out of your mind at least an hour or so every day. Yes, we all know how hard that can be!! But you need all your strength right now. You need to take care of YOU.

Also, start some self-improvement project on you. Find out what EN's you weren't meeting for him, and begin showing him you are willing to meet them. Give ow a real run for her money! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

YOU ARE HIS WIFE. You know how to please him, and what he really needs. Right now, him and her are only acting on selfish desires........an artificial "high." It can't last. Do you have the endurance to wait it out?

Yes, you do. And we are here to help.

God Bless,

read about Plan a...it is all about getting you through the fact that your spouse is having an affair...

It guides you and your actions so that you can set healthy boundaries that protect you...as well as help anchor you in some sanity when you world appear to be in chaos...

specific things....

That I still love him very deeply and that my love has always been unconditional. Everytime I tell him that he gets angry and eventually storms out.

stop telling him that...no relationship talk...
unconditional love is from God...it serves no concrete purpose in a marriage...
your feeling of love does not entitle you to expose yourself and expect grossly disrepectful behavior...

become as pragmatic about some of this as you can...
have him come over to see the children..but consider you going out while he is there...
no explanation as to where you are going...
just as if you moving to some sort of acceptance that he is making choices that you do not approve of...and have natural consequances...

consider seriously seriously seeking legal council now specifically to see what rights you have to limit or completely block your childrens exposure to OW...
this is not saying to file or anything..but get you ducks lined up..
and firm up boundaries...
do not let young children be exposed to his and her chaos and insanity...

believe nothing he says about the not loving your for five years...and loves you but not in LOVE with you...straight from the handbook of WS who are trying to justify their poor decisions and behavior...

NO more begging...apppear less emotional more even keeled..
you want to know one reason why...
because he expects you to beg..and then he can just counter defend his decisions...
you want his attention...
quit begging...
it will confuse and surprise him..
INFACT the more you can change what he anticipates what your response is to his actions...the more he will be noticing what you are saying and doing...

Consider calling him up and telling him he NEEDS to watch the kids this wednesday eve...cause you have PLANS>>.and give him no details...I am not telling you to date or any such thing..
I am telling you that while he is off doing whatever he pleases he EXPECTS that you are home doing all the domestic work...minding the children and pining away for him...
rattle his cage...show him some the realities of HIS choices...
one being that if he can be unaccountable for his time....and actions...
logically so can you...
do it without powerstruggling.
do it without anger or emotion..

be happy and pleasant..."whoo glad you are here...kids are in the gameroom...gotta run be back soon"....

read read read here on this site...
ark