This is the first time I've posted on this forum. Still confused as to what forum I should go to.

Details of H's affair have been coming out since 1/8/04. Discovered it was a PA 1/3/04. I was very PO'd that night and next day, but overall I have been soooo supportive, it blows me away. Today I am really angry.

On Saturday I got out of him that he is missing the OW who soon will not be working for him anymore. I began questioning him about what he misses. Up until then he told me most e-mails and cell calls were business. Right! Well, he admitted they had sent many love e-mails. When I try to get a timeline as to when EA started, and when PA began he has this unbelievable amnesia. Can't remember a thing! Well, in the Spring-2003 he began to have feelings. OK, so when did you proclame those feelings? "I can't remember." When did you start getting physical? "I can't remember." Well, was it before my dad was dying in the hospital, or was it after? "Well, would it make a difference what that answer is?"

So today, through pure BS,I got his computer password. He actually had suggested last week we exchange them, but I told him I needed it because computer was screwed up. I really wanted to see the "love" notes. I knew he deleted her e-mails but was hoping he forgot about his "sent" messages. Darn, he was smarter than I thought. What I did find was an e-mail to her sent last week. First of all he told me he hadn't sent any e-mails. This e-mail acknowledged how hard it was for her to train the person who will be replacing her. (Poor Baby!) and he asked her to please stick with him during this time. I think he means transition to new staff, but who the hell knows?

I then found a letter he wrote to his former shrink on 12/16/03. I had sent him an e-mail a few weeks prior basically asking him if he was having an affair, and I couldn't stay married if he wouldn't talk, try, say he's committed, have sex, etc. He faxed my letter to the shrink so they could discuss it. In the letter to shrink he said he was thinking of telling me he had feelings for OW, but OW doesn't know. He realizes this "isn't entirely true." (Yeh, I don't think so!) Doesn't want our boys to know he had a relationship while married to their mom, and he prefers I didn't know that info. (This is the part that got me) "I really do love OW and our relationship has been strong for eight months now." I'm doing the math and figuring this is late April, early May 2003. A strong relationship is more than just feeling an attraction, which is what he's been feeding me. And how is it he couldn't remember any details with me, but had no problem telling the shrink "8 months"?

This put me over the edge for some reason. I have been rubbing the poor baby's head and stomach every day because he is so sad and stressed. I have been letting him talk about his "feelings." I have even had sex with him even though I still don't know what he's done with her. We hold each other every night. I'm encouraging him to read spiritual books to get him through this hard time. And what the hell am I getting? I'm actually laughing. I'm the BS, and I'm doing all the comforting, and the ****er is letting her know how difficult it must be for her. He can't even tell me the truth.

Please, somebody, tell me why we should be sticking this process out so we can stay married to a lying, cheating SOB? I'm serious! I am losing my focus here. I have to stroke his very weak, fragile ego right now so he won't leave me for her? I'm thinking at this moment "Who the hell cares?" Sorry, I know this is way too long. I'm new at this game and would so appreciate any feedback. I don't have a lying bone in my body, so all these lies from someone I so trusted makes me sick. Thanks for listening!

Thanks jazzeygirl! I'll have to get one of my boys to help me with my files so I can figure out what you told me for his files. I'm pretty computer unsavvy. For some reason I have the need to know this info.

CV55, part of your problem here is that the affair has not ended. It will not end until contact ends. Recovery cannot possibly begin until contact ends. Every time he is in contact with her puts you BOTH back to day 1. It is imperative that he end contact and send her a no contact letter NOW. That is the LEAST he can do if you are willing to stay married to him. You MUST set this boundary for yourself and not back down.

You should both write the no contact letter and send it together. That is his first step in restoring the trust in his marriage.

no contact letters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003686#000003

And why are you babying him? There is a huge difference between being civil and babying him. Tell him how you feel. Start making your feelings known. You don't have to cater to him.

Have y'all taken the emotional needs questionaires to see if there were some conditions in the marriage that led to this? Have you read Surviving an Affair by Harley?

I would also suggest putting spy software on his computer so you can ENSURE that contact has ended. A good one is Starr home version at www.iopus.com.

Jazzey, unfotunately it didn't work. My son said he periodically deletes the history. There was nothing there. Oh well!

Melodylane, my H has a small business in which she has run the office for 5 yrs. His business partner's last day was Friday. He really couldn't just get rid of her. He had to hire someone to replace her and she is now training the person.

When the truth began coming out he couldn't imagine not having her in the business. How could he get by without her? On 1/29/04 he admitted it was an EA which was going on for months. I told him there was no way I would put up with them working together, so she goes, or he goes out of my life. Partner told him the same. The next day he gave her the sad news. Poor thing broke out in a rash over the weekend. Didn't understand why she couldn't keep her job.

On 2/3/04 I found out it was a PA. H won't give me details. When he walked in the door tonight I blasted him. Believe me, there was no babying tonight. My anger actually felt really good. he is realizing reluctantly that she is a conniving "B". His partner and I had very similar experiences. Partner is convinced she was after his job, and one of the reasons he's leaving is because he was getting squeezed out. I've told H he trusted the wrong person. He was devestated tonight. Didn't eat with us, but instead called his sister I think for support. She is very supportive of us making it.

Anyway, OW's presence makes it very difficult. Hopefully she will be gone soon. At the moment I almost don't care what the outcome is. He begged me tonight to work on our marriage. He said he would answer any of my questions. However, he's been hiding from me for 2 hrs. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm actually laughing. The WS thinks they are so loved and enlightened with their lover. In reality they become lying cheats that nobody really likes. And we, the ones with honesty and integrity, get to pick up the pieces. OK, I'll shut up now!

OW's presence does more than make it diffucult, it makes it impossible. When is she leaving?

As far as blasting him, PLEASE don't do that again! It is important that you not baby him and that you set boundaries and are direct with him, but if you love bust him, you can actually push him into the arms of the OW.

And I think you also realize that its imperative that he be completely honest with you and answer your questions. These are issues about YOUR life about which you have a RIGHT to know.

Ask your WS to do a non contact letter.

You must get him to prove that he ended it with OW.

Listen to Melody...i did. Don't get angry...be gentle but firm.

Do you know what Plan A is?


Female age 37 WS-age 37
Known 18 years Married 9 years
DD age 5
OW - 20/unmarried
8/sep/03 - Dday
22/sep/03 - Dday & expose to family & friends
17/0ct/03 - Dday
29/Dec/03 - Dday & Told him to move out.
15/1/04 - Plan A
23/1/04 - Expose A at Office
6/2/04 Expose A to OW parents
8/2/04 Plan B