here is the latetest chat from my husband....is this normal? Should I have hope from the way he wants to help? My story is at General Questions..I am totally lost!

resaann (1:52:28 PM): hey, do you think you will have time tonight to go over a visitation schedule before you leave?.......I am trying to put one together on paper, so we can both be clear on the weekends so we can make plans.....

spouse(1:54:01 PM): well.. I was going to get there for 3:30 so that I can spend an hour with B****and go.. I have a few things I need to take care of tonight..

spouse(1:54:15 PM): is there anyway you can propose something and I can agree to it?

spouse(1:54:24 PM): Im not going to be picky or anythign

resaann (1:54:27 PM): oh, I am sorry, ok.......well I will take care of it

resaann (1:54:34 PM): sorry

spouse(1:54:40 PM): I will agree to pretty much whatever you say

spouse(1:54:43 PM): no big deal..

spouse(1:54:53 PM): what are you sorry about? was I mean??

resaann (1:55:07 PM): no, no problem.........talk to you later.......bye

spouse(1:55:48 PM): have I done something bad? I'm having a hard time understanding here.. I'm really trying to be nice and accomodating to you...

resaann (1:56:42 PM): no, you havent done anything sweetie.......it is ok......I know you have a life now and I understand......it isnt a problem I can email it to you

resaann (1:57:21 PM): I would like it if you could leave your debit card reciepts because unfortunately I have the wonderful time of paying bills tonight........

spouse(1:57:35 PM): I see.. and I didnt have a life before.. oook then..

resaann (1:58:42 PM): thats not what I meant.........you have other obligations also to Bridget , that is what I meant...It wasnt meant in any other way........please stop taking everything as an attack on you.......

spouse(1:59:23 PM): Bridget has NOTHING to do with this.

spouse(1:59:50 PM): Im not taking this as an attack until you begin to appologise for stepping on her toes..

spouse(2:00:00 PM): I will tell you when you are being unreasonable.. not her

spouse(2:00:21 PM): you have not been unreasonable with anything.. I am willing to help you in any way that I possibly can.

marshltc (2:00:31 PM): with the kids, the house, the dogs, whatever..

spouse(2:00:40 PM): for the time being its still somewhat mine also'

spouse(2:01:13 PM): soon, other than the kids, it will all be yours. but I will still help in any way that you will allow me to

spouse(2:01:25 PM): I am not going to throw you out in the cold no mattter what you think

resaann (2:01:29 PM): ok, I just dont want to cause problems for you and push you further away........I am trying so hard to consider everyones feelings

spouse(2:01:55 PM): well forget that..

spouse(2:02:01 PM): if you need help ask me for it..

spouse(2:02:06 PM): thats all you need to do

spouse(2:02:23 PM): tell me about things so that I can be available to do whatever needs to be done

resaann (2:02:44 PM): ok..........I appreciate it

resaann (2:04:13 PM): sorry I wont see you tonight, but have a good night

spouse(2:05:43 PM): you too..

resaann (2:09:19 PM): oh, one more thing about this.......marshltc (2:01:13 PM): soon, other than the kids, it will all be yours. but I will still help in any way that you will allow me to

resaann (2:09:25 PM): please dont rush it.......

resaann (2:09:33 PM): lets take our time...

resaann (2:11:40 PM): also, I know you are busy, but I wanted to let you know our plans for the weekend.......we are going to the Slidell Night parade on Friday night, and Saturday we are going to Endymion......if you want to join me and then kids for any of this let me know.........talk to ya soon......bye

resaann (2:27:31 PM): I have to go John is here.......I wish I could talk to you more......I miss talking to you.........hope you will feel comfortable enough soon to just come over and visit........she you soon

resaann: I have to go John is here.......I wish I could talk to you more......I miss talking to you.........hope you will feel comfortable enough soon to just come over and visit........she you soon

spouse: i have no problem talking to you.. Im sorry but I just cannot take the crying and confrontations.. belive it or not, this hurts me very bad.. it really does.. like nothing Ive ever felt before...

spouse: bye

I can't tell what is going on .... what is your question?

What was the purpose of the post?
Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> I can't tell what is going on .... what is your question?

What was the purpose of the post?
Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry I am new to this, I must not have made myself clear.....I posted my original topic in General questions titled "I am totally lost"....
but today my WH instant messaged me again with his need to help me as much as he can and I just wanted a response to see if this is normal guilty reaction or do I have hope that maybe he will want to reconcile......after this he phoned me and we talked for a while. He still says he loves the OW and doesnt want to stop feeling what he is feeling for her. So, again my bubble is popped.

resaan,

I won't comment on how normal your husband is...but I do want to say that your reaction while not "abnormal" is not healthy either. Why are you being so darn NICE??? And accomodating???? And showing concern for BRIDGET!!!???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Stopping LBs does not mean putting up with this complete garbage and being a doormat. Stop saying you want to be friends unless that's all you want! You are enabling this affair with your tears and fears...it's time to get a little tough chere! (Yeah...I'm a New Orleans girl!) And no New Awlins girl would take this sitting down!) These people are going to the Endymion parade for pete's sake while you're crying your eyes out!! I think it's time to inject a little conflict into that environment...who knows about this affair???? Here's cerri's guide for Plan A (which is where you need to be right now.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I agree with Starfish. You need to set some boundaries. Doormat behaviour almost always backfires. He may then become the dreaded cake eater. Right now he has you both..he's with her without much fear about you being there if he decides he doesn't want her.

My H even though he didn't realize it right after dday...really wanted me to fight for him. Of course I didn't know this, I just went on instinct until I found MB. Have you read all the principles on this site yet?

Have you read SAA or any of the other A books? I would also recommend calling the Harley's.

Let us know what else we can help you with.

Oh, a couple of other things. How many children do you have? How old are they? What do they know so far? Is the OW married? Has the A been exposed?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by forevertogether:
<strong> Oh, a couple of other things. How many children do you have? How old are they? What do they know so far? Is the OW married? Has the A been exposed? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have two children girls 15 and 10 and yes they do know that he has a girlfriend because he was coming home to us about 3 weeks ago and then didnt show up and I told them then.

The other women is a co-worker that was his friend for 2 years and he said he started having feelings for her about 6 months ago and never acted on it until he found out that she left her husband and a few days later he left me.

His family, my family, the neighborhood knows but I dont know about his work.

Have you contacted her H and your H's boss?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> Have you contacted her H and your H's boss? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">no, I have not contacted her husband because I dont know how to reach him. And I have not contacted my husbands boss, because I dont think he would care. There are several couples that have meet there at his company and gotten married. I have thought about sending an anonymous letter to him just to see what would happen....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> resaan,

I won't comment on how normal your husband is...but I do want to say that your reaction while not "abnormal" is not healthy either. Why are you being so darn NICE??? And accomodating???? And showing concern for BRIDGET!!!???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Stopping LBs does not mean putting up with this complete garbage and being a doormat. Stop saying you want to be friends unless that's all you want! You are enabling this affair with your tears and fears...it's time to get a little tough chere! (Yeah...I'm a New Orleans girl!) And no New Awlins girl would take this sitting down!) These people are going to the Endymion parade for pete's sake while you're crying your eyes out!! I think it's time to inject a little conflict into that environment...who knows about this affair???? Here's cerri's guide for Plan A (which is where you need to be right now.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Starfish,

I guess I am a little confused about Plan A.

Am I supposed to invite him to the house and try to make him comfortable with being around the family?....is is correct to ask him to do family acitivities with the kids?....I understand that I have been a doormat, but what I am unclear on is if I should try to be happy, flirty, etc. and let him know that he is wanted around or just react to him when he happens to come over.

Resaann