I've seen all kinds of different post here, although admitly I haven't read 1% of them. What do you do if YOUR the person that has cheated(and lied) and want to work things out? If the other doesn't?

I've finally realized how blind I've been to my own selfdestructive behavior. I wasn't anywhere close to filling my wife's emotion needs and have been in the role of taker for years now. She has been giver for a long time but all I could see was her defensive taker popping out ever once in awhile.

I had an affair three years ago. We were seperated and I thought she had had an affair. I wanted to move on with my life because she had told me she didn't love me. I should have know better than that. But I didn't do the right thing. I should have went ahead and filed or tried talking to her more and FOUND OUT. But instead I met someone and we started dating. I'm pretty sure you guys have seen this before. The OW couldn't handle the fact that I was still married and we split up. Me and my wife got back together and I tried to talk to her about it but I wasn't man enough to admit to what I had done. I justifed it to myself by thinking she had an affair. Needless to say I was building up futher resentment. We seperated again and I ended up having a one night stand. I didn't even care about the person and they didn't me either. But I lied about things the whole time. I even resented her calling me out on it. But I still hadn't admitted it.

Finally this past weekend, we were on the verge and I had actually already talked to her about divorce, I told her about the affairs. After getting it out she told me, a little later on, about her resentments. I finally realized that the resentment that I held was nothing compared to what she had put up with. I'm sorry and remorseful. I'm willing to work on this the rest of my life.

I've already started working to become a better father. I know that's something I have to do anyway. My children deserve that, but I still want to be a better HUSBAND. I'm finally ready to throw everything into it. But I don't think it matters anymore.

I guess the meaning of this post has been changing as I write it. I don't think she has room in her heart to forgive me, there is a glimmer there. But I guess what I should be asking is what is the best way to make our relationship apart the best it can be? I still love her, and she has even told me she still loves me. But I can't really imagine her getting over this.

I feel really stupid for not seeing this before and dealing with it before everything blew up three years ago.

I would say I'm lost as what to do, but I know atleast some of it. I've been trying to take care of the kids while she has been dealing with things and I've done really good. I even went and brought her groceries lastnight after giving her the money to. In a very small way that shows her that I'm sorry and do care about her. I'm going to try to go over there tonight and help clean up the house. I don't know if she'll let me.. But I'm going to try it...

Is there anything anyone can add, maybe people that have been on the cheated end, that I can do to make things better for her?

Sorry for the winded post. My mind is just going pretty fast right now.

Hi becoming..

I think you found the right place by coming to this forum. It has helped me get through the fog and the denial of my cheating ways just by reading and posting here.

I think what you are asking is how can you make things right with your wife again. I dont really think you can but in time, and if she loves you, I know miracles are possible.

There are many books recommended here and you can order them online. The marriagebuilder books are wonderful and so is 'Affer the Affair'.. there are many others on infidelity which I have read and which give ideas, suggestions, and hope for all sides of this triangle.

The main thing is you have seen the light and feel the guilt and you are out of the fog which is often the hardest part for those of us WS (wayward/cheating spouses)..

If she is still saying she loves you after all that has happened I do believe you have hope. Show her in how you treat her. Take care of her, do things around the house, get the groceries, fix dinner sometimes.. There are so many ways to show love. Please try and see what happens..
I wish you luck.. please keep posting and let us know how things are going for you..

Lori

I don't think she has room in her heart to forgive me,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You can't say this about your wife! You are demeaning her ability to forgive before she even has a real chance to do this!

But I can't really imagine her getting over this.

Here you go again! Disrespecting HER ability!!!

No more of this mister...

Is your W an awesome woman?

Yes? Then step back from this negative assessment of her ability...

Give her room to grow.

If you love her, you don't just love how she makes you feel, but you love her and enjoy making her feel good.

Get your butt in gear and make this marriage your Mars priority! (Means you'll spend 400 million getting to your goal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

I think you are going to make it! Just stop all this negative talk about what your W can and cannot do.

Best to you.

Pep

Better late than dead to realize where you've gone wrong in your life and being enough of a man to fess up to your part and start working towards fixing them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Best of Luck and God Bless!

Welcome-I am a FBS and I welcome you to MB with open arms. It may not be too late if she sees you making the right moves, but it will take time for her to believe.

Read the General Welcome 1st. Read Surviving the Affair by Dr Harley. Find out what your EN (emotional needs) are and ask yur wife hers. Why not take her on a MB weekend?

You have taken the first step to recovery by admitting that there is a problem and by starting to really become a man. I applaud you, you will not be sorry that you tried. Welcome.

I'm not trying to say she is weak or anything like that. She is a VERY strong person. I'm just saying that with the things I have done only The Lord can forgive me. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself.

I stopped in tonight and tried to clean our room for her. She's having a hard time coping with things and still functioning. I'm feeling guilty for that even. I didn't go over there for the right reason. I should have done it just to help her without no want of anything else. But instead I was hoping she would be greatful. She told me I didn't have to do it. And that was about it. She kept talking outloud while chatting and cutting up with the person she was talking to...

I let myself be hurt by it. I mean I understand her finding comfort. I want her to feel better.. I guess my evil taker self is coming out again.........

But typing this out has helped me feel a little better.

Also, how do you keep from driving yourself crazy?

Read everything you can about affairs, and how to recover from affairs.

Make this crazy time at least productive.

Pep

I, too, am a cheater who wants to work things out. I have started to read "Torn Asunder" and so far it's really helped me to see why have done some of the things that I have done and to understand even further the things my husband is going through. I know the road ahead of me and my husband is going to be incredibly rough, but I think that it's worth the effort. Unfortunately, I'm not totally sure that he thinks that way. I know how hard this must be for him, and I feel really horrible about what I've done to cause him this much distress. (Actually "horrible" doesn't even begin to sum it up) I'm grateful for this forum as I truly feel all alone with no one to turn to.

I wish you all the best with your marriage. In hindsight, I only wish that I had found this forum BEFORE I had cheated so that I could truly see firsthand how destructive that behaviour is to my marriage.

I feel the same ETG. I could have learned more about the internet affairs and I think that would have helped alot...

But to be honest I don't know if it would have fixed everything. I mean, I needed a good a$$ kicking to wake up and realize that I'm a jerk. Up until the past few days I actually thought of myself as a pretty decent guy. I know that sounds crazy. And don't get me wrong, I've felt bad about things before. But while thinking that she had done the same thing I justified it to myself.

It shouldn't matter if she done it. I was WRONG for doing it. It wasn't fair for her, the OW or even myself. I showed no respect to anyone. I'm hoping to gain some self-respect after this. I have to, otherwise it has the possiblity of becoming a cycle. Maybe not for this marriage but if I ever get involved with anyone else down the road.

I still can't get my mind off of trying to 'fix' things. I went back over there again tonight. I talked to her, small talk, and when she forgot to be mad at me she enjoyed it. I could see it in her face.. But as soon as she remembered she would get quite..

I love this woman, I want to make things right for her and us. I just have alot of doubt...

If you guys don't mind me asking please pray for The Lord to provide what we need and to comfort us. It feels like she has died in many ways. And I'm sure she feels a similar feeling...

I too had an affair and want to try to work it out with H.

He's on his way home now from a business trip so I'll find out soon if I have to move out or not.

I rented a place (or started the process) a week ago, I'm supposed to move out on the 27th.

Five days ago I figured out my OM is not what I originally thought so I dumped him and now I'm reeling because I've created such a mess.

I would give anything for another chance....and I wish you luck in your situation.

Well I can't tell you what to do... but here's what I would love my WS to do. I want him to not only tell me sorry but show me sorry. I want him to not only talk the talk but walk the walk. You walk the walk, I don't know how long your BS will want you to walk it.... only she knows that. To walk the walk, you show her you are reading ways to rebuild your marriage like pep said. Go to counseling, seek guidance from your minister or pastor or whatever, show her the MB site. Prove to her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to be the husband she thought you were...

Find the perfect love song that sums up your feelings and buy her the CD... have her listen to it, write her a poem about your life together and what it means to you, write her love letters, send her love notes in her email, do all the things you did when you were first dating her. Make her a scrapbook of your life together and write her letter telling her why it's so important for you two to work it out. Make her remember why she married you.

I am sure she is doubtful and reluctant to jump on your bandwagon... until she has proof you are serious.... Walk the Walk... and good luck.

I have no worries about walking the walk.. I mean it'll be hard.. Really hard, not from the fact that I don't love her, but because it's something that has been hard for me to do in the past. Not the infidelity so much as taking care of her emotional needs. I'm a self-absored, self-centered, greedy person. It will take me awhile to break out of that. Althought I'm trying as fast and as hard as I can. I'm going to fix that if this marriage doesn't work. I have to for my kids. They need and deserve better than that.

I just don't know if I'll have a chance. I told her I'd like to talk later tonight. She reluctently<sp> said okay. I think she knows what I want to talk to her about. But she wanted to make sure the kids are in the bed. With my mind the way it is right now I can only imagine what she is thinking and it's all bad...

I'm going to go see about getting some meds in the next couple of days. I need some help holding myself together. I mean I can't\won't allow myself to break completely but I need something to help.. This is major thing for me. I've tried getting on meds before and the results have always been bad.. The last one I was on didn't level out my moods it made them go up and down even worse. To the point I about didn't make it one night. But I know if I don't get this under control, soon, that any chance of our family staying together will be out the door.

And I know she is going to need time. I understand that completely. I just want a chance to show her...

Don't get mad and reread the LBing part before you go. Ask her about her needs... tonite. Tell her your plans, better yet, write them down!!! Show her a written, well thought out plan that details exactly what you are going to do, with goal dates. IE... get meds, see a therapist, read MB site...

Yes it will be hard to walk the walk... it will be very hard.... but you have to do it and you may get little or no response from her as quickly as you like. Just remember to be strong and I will pray for you and your family.

One of my biggest problems, it's almost locking fear, is that she will not consider trying to work things out. That is her right. And she has ever reason to feel that way. She has told me there in no way we will ever get back together. But I feel there is another fog too..

She is so mad and hurt now that I'm afraid she won't see me anymore. I don't want to tell her things and her believe me. I want to show her. I have no crediability what-so-ever. And I don't expect any. For a very long time. Years even. But I want to show her.

I'm a very sexual person. Part of that is because I haven't dealt with abuse that I had earlier in my life. I'm dealing with that. I realize now that it's not a part of my selfworth. A lot of our problems was about that. H*ll, I don't expect to have sex again this year. And I think that is a very small price to pay for a loving wife and a complete family.

I've just spent too long not dealing with our problems.

And I'm sitting here throwing a pitty party for myself. BLAH! I know most of what I need to do. It's just a matter of doing it. Even if we don't get back together I'm going to do them. I just hope things can work out.

I talked to her mom a little today. She is coming in this weekend. I think that will really help her. I think I'll see if she wants me to watch this kids for a little while so they can talk and do something together.

On a side note, I'm planning on talking to my father this evening when I get home. He hasn't really talked to me the last few days. He is having a rough time too...

I'm still reading the thread from your H. I'm starting to think I need to find some friends like Pep.

Right now I've been trying to take things easy. And really I have. I'm giving her space but I'm trying to also let her know I'm there when she needs me. But it's eggshells. She has expressed that she is getting D and soon.

I'm working on becoming a person that she doesn't have to D to be happy. I mean looking back I can see alot of STUPID mistakes I've made. I can see alot of possible new ones looking forward if I don't fix myself.

I had lost my faith almost completely before this. Everyone kept telling me that we needed church in our life. I ignored it, but I'm not doing that now. Like many have said, you can't undo the past but you sure can work on the future. I know if I go to church I will not only have better tools to be a better husband, but also a better father and person.

The IC(Counselor? Sorry haven't gotten all the abv's down yet and I'm a slow reader <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) this is something I'm interested in. I'm working up the nerve to take that leep. Last time I did I had alot of problems out of it. But I AM going to do it.

I feel things are still too fresh to talk about MC yet. She has to get some of that pain out first before she can even look at feeling better for herself let alone considering the marriage.

I had a little bit of a fog insident today. Nothing involving her, just internal. Some of it was good. I mean I'm starting to deal with the guilt a little better and trying to be more productive. But part of it was thinking back to what caused our problems to begin with. I have a hard time of not shifting blame. I have a tendency to push it around to extremes.

I'm giving her time to see how she feels inside. And working on showing her that I can still be a good MAN and am trying to "grow a set". It will be awhile yet till things with us are worked on by both of us.

I hope this makes sense. It's been a really long day..

I have a question to some of the people who have been cheated.

She has had some selfesteem problems before and she currently is. I'm sure I've probably added heaps to that. But do you think it would be wrong to make her an appointment at like a nail place to get her nails done? She usually likes this and it makes her feel pretty.

Not that she isn't pretty. But you know how it is. When you get your hair cut er whatever you feel a little better about yourself sometimes. I don't want this to come across as me trying to buy her love, but I can't be there for her right now. She is too hurt(rightfully so) to let me in. She doesn't have any friends that live around us.

If I'm out of line someone please let me know!!

Any comments are appreciated.

Originally posted by becomingaman:
I'm a self-absored, self-centered, greedy person. It will take me awhile to break out of that.

... gimme gimme gimme ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

This won't be so hard for you to get rid of.

It's not really so much of a psychological defect as it is a very bad habit.

If you "act" gracious, patient, generous, loving, kind, and solid as a man-rock ..... pretty soon your insides will grow to match your new and improved actions.

Set a goal and go for it.

Make this a priority.

Accept no wishy-washy crap from yourself.

You da' man!

Pep (I am a very nice old lady.... don't let me scare you)