Okay my WH was suppose to email OW today and end the A. Of course, that didn't happen. I sent him a couple of emails last night after he went home. Our discussion was about how it was easy for me to make demands and choices when I was still in OUR house and seeing OUR kids everyday. I wasn't in some lonely apartment with nothing we've worked 17 years to get. I told him if I were him and had had the affair, I would be busting my fanny to get back home and doing whatever he wanted. So he asked how I knew that... here's a copy of my email to him.

Because whether you come home or not... I'm going to bust my [censored] to make this house a home. Not just a house... but a home... and I am going to bust my [censored] to make us a family. I would prefer to make it a family of four.... not three and not six. But if it can't be four.... our kids will have a great home and still feel like they are part of a family. They will have memories of growing up in a "home"... home sweet home... and all.... they will have memories of waking up Christmas morning in their home... they will have memories of their friends over... and dates... and they will have a good home. And with you here or without you here... they are going to feel love, they are going to see love, and they going to witness love. They are going to see what a good marriage is about... they are going to see what committment and working hard in a relationship is about. They are going to see what it means to try to make your partner happy. I want you to be that partner because I honestly feel that is what is best for our kids.... but I also believe it can happen... and I believe that they deserve it, I deserve it, and you deserve it. I don't want my kids to grow up with step parents... (not that I think that's a bad thing... I don't, but I don't want that for my kids).... I don't want them to have another daddy who helps them with homework.... I don't want them to have another mommy who arranges their parties... I don't want them to have another daddy who buys them presents... I don't want them to have another mommy who takes care of them when they are sick.... I don't want them to have another daddy who takes them to soccer... I don't want them to have another mommy who volunteers for funfests.... but if that's the way it will be... then it will... but regardless of the fact they will see a loving, honest, friendly, intimate, affectionate, happy relationship in their HOME.... and I won't give up those day to day things... I won't ever not be here when they want to come home. Think about it... when we first started dating you always said your home was where you grew up....and you always called your dad's your dads and I am not trying to make you feel bad... I'm trying to make a point... their home will be where they are not every other weekend... but where they are most of the time.... and I want to be with our kids... in our home.... I won't give that up.... and I will do whatever it takes to not do that... if I have to walk across the deepest valley or the highest mountain... and fight a hundred lions on the way... I won't give up being with our kids in their home.... and you want to hear why I don't like *OW" much... and you want to hear the truth of the matter... she's a threat to my family.... and like the mother bear who protects her cubs.... she has threatened my family and having a home with both of their parents.... so that is part of the reason I have asked you not to see her... because I can't have that threat to my family.... It doesn't matter whether or not you and I agree or not if she intentionally became a threat... the point is now she is.... and always will be.... and if she's not around it will be much easier to keep my family together.... so yeah I feel like the mother bear protecting her den... and you have no idea how that feels.... trust me... if I go out and happen to meet someone and fall in love again... you feel exactly how I feel about that.... I promise you will and knowing you the way I do... you will feel that even more painfully than I will.

Now he says he's feeling extremely angry about this email and doesn't want to share his feelings because I will get hurt. What does this mean? This is the second time since he moved out 2 plus weeks ago that he hasn't been here in the evening. Did I do any LBing in this email? Maybe I did.... I keep trying but sometimes it slips, it's so hard to keep this bottled up inside. I want to call him and find out why he's angry and what he's doing. It's driving me crazy.... OUR kids will be going to bed soon and he hasn't even called them tonight. What in the world in he thinking?

STOP!

Do NOT CALL....

You need to learn how NOT to grab at him .... He is a man who is feeling trapped. The harder you grasp, the tighter the trap feels.

The OW looks like freedom and fun .... stop grabbing, pleading, nagging, scolding .... step back and stay away from him.... let him wonder why you've stopped trying to hold on to him... against his will.

Go get the book ...

DO NOT CALL

exercise self control

You've put him in the position of needing to defend OW's character.... stop!

Pep

Thanks PEP... once again.... I am biting my nails... and checking my emails every 30 seconds I think, hoping for him to say you know what you are so right... or at least yell at me or just let it rip like he has so many times before. I am not going to call, I am just feeling like it.... I am getting that book tomorrow. I know it will help... just pray I can make it through tonight. Thanks PEP....

Breathe....

none of this is easy....

Remember, no clear logical reasons will convince your H that OW is anything less than ~wonderful girl~ >gag<

Don't waste your breathe....

The time for logic will come .... but you are trying to convince a drug addict that the fun of heroin is bad...

He doesn't believe you, NO MATTER HOW WRONG HIS LOGIC IS!!!!!!!

This is the ~fog~.... ya gotta laugh. The fog makes WS so damn dumb.

He is currently not teach-able.Pep

pep

Oh, heavenlee, I feel your pain, I do. I am at the point too where I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, "WHY ARE YOU TEARING YOUR FAMILY APART?" Your letter did seem like you were LB some, but I understand. It is so hard to always have to bite your tongue when you are hurting so badly. So come here and vent, vent, vent!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now he says he's feeling extremely angry about this email and doesn't want to share his feelings because I will get hurt.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have heard the same excuses about not being honest because it will "hurt" me. If he doesn't want to hurt you, then he needs to commit to his family. His A IS HURTING you.

How long have you been in Plan A? Maybe some of the "experts" around here can advise whether its time to go to Plan B. That is my next step as soon as my H returns to town. He says he is leaving and once we get all the details worked out and he leaves, I am giving him my Plan B letter.

It is scary, but necessary to preserve my sanity.

I found out about the A on 12-24-03.
I found out I had cancer on 12-27-03.
I left for my parents house on 12-27-03 and stayed one week, because I had to be back to work on 1-05.
I filed for Divorce on 1-16 and asked him to move out. He had refused to move for awhile and the anger between us was awful. I had lost 30 lbs, broken out in hives, had a menstrual cycle that lasted for 30 days with severe cramps which was all caused by the stress of the A and cancer. He says he can't understand why I put him out but I had to for my sanity and survival. I couldn't hear him tell me to enjoy his and the OW's bedroom or tell me over and over he was going on a "date" then ask to take my children with him. It was hurtful and veneful and I couldn't take it. He told me daily he hated me... and I gotta tell you... I LBed back big time then. I was so hurt and angry, I took all the money from our bank account (knowing I would be off work for surgery), I filed divorce, my sister changed the locks on our house. I was so upset.... and my life was swirling out of control. I needed to get it back, so I went into survival mode.

After my surgery on 1-22, which I had to be sedated to go because I wasn't going to have a major organ removed without my H and he wouldn't come. He finally showed up at about 5 pm.... abuot 12 hours after my arrival time.... I had been moved to recovery. At that time, he told me he was so overwhelm with guilt he couldn't stand it and he loved me. He told me he wanted to make up missing our anniversary and he wanted to come home. I jumped on it, he told me all the right things. 24 hours later he was unsure of his decision and a week later he moved out.

My 15 year anniversary was 12-30 (which went without even a phone call to me at my parent's)

I started Plan A when I got back from the hospital, although I hadn't found this website, it was just sort of instinctional. It was still peppered with LBing and I hadn't really understood anything until I came to this site and read, "After the Affair". I don't remember the author now, I gave the book to my WS to help him understand. He's read parts of it he claims. So I guess that is a long winded version of what's happened I would guess that I have been in Plan A for about 4 weeks. Although, I have had a couple days of set backs where I LB. I try to stop but it just wells up and I let go. I mean the decision to come back to your family seems like such a no brainer to me... that I don't get these WS's fog at all.

Nid,

Where is your original post? How long have you been in Plan A? When does your H return and you do plan B?

Lee


Thanks Pep... I want to gag someone alright.... I have started a list LOL... gag, tie, and bound em up until they come to their senses.

I don't understand how WS can be like this. I'm a WS but I desperately want to work things out with my wife.

I guess I can understand things about the fog. I had no idea of all the other things I was doing wrong till I stopped looking at what she did. I finally confessed and things have become a lot more clear. Of the attention I didn't pay her or the children.

Neither one of us had our emotional needs met. I wish I would have know how to deal with things better. I'm ready to work toward that but it might be too late now. I deserve what I get, but she nor the kids do...

Out of the mouths of babes, PEP...

My 8 yr old came over to kiss me gn and saw the "marriagebuilders" and asked about it. I said I was trying to find something to help her father come to his senses. She said, "Mommy, don't you know by now... since daddy has been doing this he's lost all his senses."

Kinda what you said isn't it... how come my 8 year old can see it and I can't. LOL

heavenlee-

Start in Plan A and stay there for 3 months minimum.

However your idea of a calm and nurturing home for you and children is a good idea. Hopefully your WH will want to join you, but do it for your children and you.

WOW!!!! I don't know if I have the patience for that. I have been reading these forums and some people have been waiting for so so so long for their WS to come out of the fog. I guess I should consider myself lucky that in 2 months I have gone from him totally despising me, to "loving me like a sister and not a wife", to loving both of us. I don't know if I can stand limbo for 3 minutes more, let alone 3 months. I will keep trying though... he's definitely worth the wait... he's so cute, fun, sexy, great father, and normallly such a honest, dedicated, committed, hard working man. We'll see ... I guess you just have to remain the lighthouse in their fog uh?

I was once a man like that. But I can't say that now. I haven't been for a long time. That's part of the reason I'm so scared(I KNOW I SHOULD BE). That man is still here. He was hiding but he is coming out.

I really hope that this hits him between the eyes. Maybe he'll wake up and realize what he is losing. I don't think many women(or men for that matter) can be stong enough to attempt to over come this. I shouldn't say strong enough... But I'm at a lose for a good word... I think you understand my point...

Good luck!

Heavenlee, here is one of my original posts:

Is my H having an affair? How do I find out? Pages: 1 2 3 It is on page 16 (January 8)of this forum. I actually had one back in September I think, when I suspected he was continuing his "friendship" behind my back.

I have another one I think around January 14, D-day. And I have a couple after that too.

I would say I've been in Plan A since August, when we started MC. My H only went to 2 sessions because he had "heard everything he needed to hear". But I did LB pretty often because all the while I knew he was lying and sneaking around behind my back. Plus, I hadn't been here a MB to know not to do that. But I would say I've been in a pretty good Plan A for almost 2 months.

My H returns at the end of the month and should be moving out soon thereafter.

Okay, I'm a little dense. What does LB mean?

WOW... you are so brave Nid. I hope everything turns out the way you deserve it to. I don't know if I could do this for that long, how do you get by each day? My H finally called tonight but I was brave and didn't ask about the emails I had sent. He said he might meet me at counseling tomorrow, but he's not promising anything. I guess there is hope. It's so difficult. I just made a post in the "Just Found Out" thread about a song that helps me when I am feeling down. It's called Someday by Nickelback. I posted the lyrics on the thread it's really pretty upbeat and kinda gets me motivated to get through the day.

Lovebusting...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

You have to be strong... and understand she may not be ready to meet your needs for awhile. Until she's convinced you are serious, and that will take great patience on your part. It means you will have to constantly give and may get very little in return for awhile, so you may want to start lovebusting, Just make sure you don't....


Like I am an expert.... I am just starting this process.... but since I am a BS... I feel like I understand how your W must feel and what I would want my WH to do... if he ever decides to come home. I wish he were ready... but he's not. Good Luck and take care....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My 8 yr old came over to kiss me gn and saw the "marriagebuilders" and asked about it. I said I was trying to find something to help her father come to his senses. She said, "Mommy, don't you know by now... since daddy has been doing this he's lost all his senses."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is truly priceless. Very intuitive little girl. I wish I could get my son to express more. I'm worried about him, but he's says hs's fine. He just wants his mom to stop being sad (and irritable!) I think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know if I can stand limbo for 3 minutes more, let alone 3 months. I will keep trying though... he's definitely worth the wait..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Limbo land is hard, too painful to endure. That's why I'm moving to Plan B. I never thought it would come to this, but he's so far gone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW... you are so brave Nid. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU are the brave one Heavenlee! How difficult and frightening to endure what you have without your H! How cruel of him not to be there for you! The fog is so dense.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know if I could do this for that long, how do you get by each day? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MB has helped me tremendously. The people here have been here for me when no one else was and more importantly they UNDERSTAND!! They have helped me beyond belief. Also, God has helped to comfort me and direct me. Read my latest post to understand how God revealed Himself to me. It was truly amazing. I can actually fall asleep now. As for eating, still don't have the stomach for that. I eat what I need to survive. Anything more makes my stomach twist in knots. I guess one positive out of this whole experience is that I've gone from a size 12, to a size 6!

Sometimes I clung on to things that gave me hope only to be hurt again, so be careful. WS's are FREAKY! One minute they love you and are kind, the next they act like they can't stand you.

My H still insists this has nothing to do with OW. I am not foolish enough to believe that anymore.

How old are you Heavenlee?

I am 36. My H is 35 will be 36 in a couple weeks. We have two children a daughter she's 8 and a son who is 12. I know that I love you and then I hate you routine already.... it's hard not to get your hopes up and it's really hard not to just want to grab him and shake the Sh** outta him and say what in the hell are you thinking? Look what this is doing to our kids, to me, to our families, to you.... but I just try to get through it. I'm not brave at all... I really don't have any patience for the limbo already and it's only been a few weeks. I have this urge to go out and date, I want to be desired and feel like a woman again. In fact, a few weeks ago I went to a bar and sat all by myself... I just hoped someone would try to pick me up. My friend ask me to a singles dance at her church... I started to go... even told my H I was going to go and aasked if he could watch the kids, but then I didn't have the guts to follow through. I just want him to come home.... I feel like if he could only feel what I feel, he'd stop this foolishness. It's crazy where your mind goes during this time.... and the things you actually think about. I hope Plan B works for you.... if you send me your email I will email you some articles I found on the internet, maybe they will help you. I don't even know you... but if I did I would just give you one big ole huge hug... b/c you are really a great person. Your WS must be crazy not to see all of your beauty... I see it and I have only started talking to you today... LOL. GOOD LUCK and great big huge ole huggs.

Yeah I just finally got up enough nerve to post here today... although I have been reading the information from the site for awhile. I even forwarded some of the links to my WS. He got terribly offended by the What children learn from affairs article. He was ticked forever about that one. But since I posted today... I feel so much better... seeing people who feel like I feel has helped me tremendously. In fact, I can't see to stop reading and posting and reading and posting. It's helped a lot already... I'll keep visiting here for sure....

heavenlee30, please reconsider going out on dates. Wait till things are final before doing that or you might regret it later. But if you have to, make sure that if you and you WS get back together that you explain it UPFRONT!

I learned that leason the hard way.