I need all the advice I can get.....

Here is my story....due to an email my husband found from a male friend (friend is correct - no romantic feelings on either side) and my subsequent lie about it (because I feared an irrational reaction - not justifying the lie)and his subsequent request that I take a lie detector test I confessed to a one night stand I had had 13 years prior that I never told him about.

This horrible event (it was a shameful distgusting incident as far as I was concerned) was a result of my intentional attempt at self destruction. We had just recently had to terminate a pregnancy of our baby six months into my pregnancy because of our baby getting toxoplasmosis from me and it causing her brain stem to affected - basically we had 1 week to decide to carry the baby to term and her then dying almost immediately (can't live without a brain stem) or terminating the pregnancy then. I am a Catholic and the decision we made was one I felt was the wrong choice - basically I feel that I murdered my child. I had also had an abortion when I was single that I too felt was murder and then to do it a second time - it was just too much to live with.

So I went out with friends on a visit back home shortly after the loss - my mother told me "if anyone mentions the baby you don't need to tell them anything". My mother is one that doesn't want the family to be embarrassed at any time and I know felt that we had made the wrong choice to end the life of our baby. Anyway, I got drunk and the one night stand happened - the only thing I was thinking was this would be one more nail in my coffin as far as God was concerned and I felt I deserved any punishment he would give me - and just to make sure I would pile another mortal sin on top of the two others I had committed when I murdered my children.

So I never told my husband.....I was afraid he would first divorce me and I was also afraid of what he would do to the other man.

To make matters worse - when I finally confessed to this this past April - I continued my lying trying in a desperate attempt to hopefully make it less terrible to him. Of course it didn't.

So here I am almost 11 months later....my husband cannot forgive me. He is devastated, he can't believe that I would have done this to us, he feels trapped because I didn't tell him then and now we have 3 beautiful children that would be hurt beyond repair if we divorced - he obsesses (sp?) over it everyday. He has nightmares and visions and constant reminders from movies, tv, etc...he cries and brings it up every day in some way or another.

I just don't know what to do to help him and us. I have told him over and over how sorry I am that I did this and I very sorry I am that I have hurt him so terribly. I understand his need to go over it but it kills me to talk about it. I am disgusted with my self and my actions. I just want us to move forward and have a happy life... Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

distressed,

Welcome to the forum. This is not a strange story to the folks here...and you will find help and support on this forum. But you realize of course that your marriage is such deep crisis...that us regular folk are not enough of what you need. Are you two in counseling? You need to be. What chance is there that he might agree to at least come here? I will put you in my prayers...keep posting.

Thank you for your reply.

I have asked him to go to counseling but he says that he knows what a counselor would say "get a divorce". I don't believe that is what the advice would be but he doesn't seem to be open to the idea.

As far as him coming to this forum, I have asked him not to read my posts yet. I told him that I would share them with him but I wanted the chance to receive any advice that was given to me and to be able to try to implement that advice on my own without his prior knowledge of what my attempts should be.

starfish after reading many of your posts I find you to be more than just regular folk, you are a very insightful person that has helped me some even though it was from advice to others.

distressed keep asking him to go, men im sad to say, dont accept outside help easily but in time he will go.

my heart goes out to you, I hope that with time you can be happy again.
my prayers are with you
cliff

Thank you cliff and star*fish for you replies....

What I really need now though is any advice on what I can do to help him heal and forgive. I am not naive or selfish enough to think that he should just "forgive and forget and move on" but I do believe that continuing to bring it up and go over it constantly is not helping either.

He told me that he believes at this point I am just getting frustrated and angry because he needs to talk about it constantly and that I am more upset by that than what I did. That is not true at all but I do get sickened by it. It is not just a matter of feeling guilty for what I did to him - it is a matter of everytime he wants to go over the nitty gritty details I feel the guilt for the act, guilt for the reason I did it and the guilt for what damage I have done to him. Sometimes it really gets to be too much guilt - makes me just want to shutdown and hide or run away and just start my life over....

can you afford counseling with the harley's? They are definately pro-marriage and wouold not say "get a divorce".

If this email male friens is just a friend, send him a no contact letter and let your husband send it.

I suggest also reading his needs her needs and surviving an affair with your husband.

I don't think your relationship is over. you both need to educate yourselves and work at this. I truly believe that this is a wake up call based on what you've written.

I did cut off contact with the email friend of mine immediately. It was not a problem to do so for him or myself - as I said we were just friends.

The person I had the one night stand with 13 years ago was someone different - again I have had no contact with this person since that time - no desire to on either side.

Just as a side note - a couple of months after I confessed to my one night stand from 13 years prior, my husband was suddenly contact by an old girlfriend (f buddy). We went to lunch with her and it proceeded to a month long emotional and physical affair. Of course he blames this on me - stating he never would have done that if it wasn't for the fact I had done what I had done.

IM sorry to hear that distressed, 2 wrongs dont make a right. I have been married almost ten years and I am the BS, my wife told me of an A she had 2 years ago but needed to clear the air with me, I am trying real hard to move on with it and not bring it up so much as to hurt her feeling and betray the trust she had in me to tell me. I can only tell you of my feelings as a H that learned years later about an A i cant say what he is feeling right now. my wifes was a one night stand as well
I hurt alot and sometimes despite my best efforts i do ask questions about it . in one day I can go from "what does it matter?" to "i cant beleive she slept with another man!" though i dont think if she slept with another woman i would feel much different. cheating is cheating, it is as one person said to me a rollercoaster of feelings the like of which i have never and never hope to experience again. I love her and she loves me.

the only thing i can say is keep going on with plan A which is show him what a good marriage you do have and that it could be greater than before. I only wish he couldve held back from this affair he had, it does no one any good only pushes away the pain temporarily which is now doubled since he now has had an A too,
i wish i could offer more in the way of advice but frankly i dont want to give bad advice especially when im reeling myself (its only been days for me since knowing)
but saying his affair was becasue of yours seem like a cop out for him, and im actually glad that no old flames live around me for honestly i dont know how i wouldve reacted had she called me after I found out

PLEASE get the books they suggest, I and my wife are reading "HIS NEEDS /HER NEEDS FOR PARENTS" and "SURVIVING AN AFFAIR"(go to your barnes and noble, books a million , walden books whatever is closest to you and start reading or you can order them all here on this web site) it has alot of good things in there including worksheets for spending time together which we have worked out and are spending more time than we ever have together and the difference is amazing, we even laugh like we used too sometimes.
how long have you been married? if i may ask a personal question? please dont answer if you are uncomfortable just a curiousity thing for me.

distressed i respect your honesty about everything with your husband, i know it has been hard for you and probably will get harder before it gets easier but i beleieve you are committed to your husband and i will pray that soon he will see that too. I will continue posting to you if youd like a i can offer a perspective from the other side of the fence so to speak.

all the best
cliff

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: cliff ]</small>

cliff

Thank you for your response and advice....I would be very interested to hear more insights based on your perspective as the BS.

I am not sure if this is how all the people who have been cheated on feel but my H told me the other day that the selfish part of him wants me to beg and plead and show my sorrow to him on a daily basis. I asked him what he is getting out of going over and over the one night stand I had. He said he felt closer to me when we talked about it (actually is it mostly him saying "how could you have done this to me" "how could you have done this to us" and questioning the details of the act itself). I said I didn't feel closer to him at those times at all. I told him that I thought (maybe not consiously) the reason he stays in the same obsessive vein is that if he actually tried to forgive me that he would not have the tool to punish me anymore and that that is what he really wants to do - punish me and make me feel as horrible (as if I didn't already <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) as he does. He admitted that yes that is probably it - and he said that he wants me to be as miserable as him for as long as he is.

Just as a side note - my husband has also been diagnosed with bipolar, ADD, disassociative disorder and PTSD. So based on this, I am not sure that the way he is handling the trauma of what I did is normal or due to his condition.

I would expect that he would feel betrayed, resentful, crushed etc. but what I question is whether it is normal to obsess and it be the TOTAL - and I mean total - focus for him for everyday the entire time since I told him (almost 11 months now)

YES!! He does say that a lot. I told him that it seems that he relishes the pain of it - that I didn't know why other than to punish me but you may have a very valid point that he is trying to feel something - it is such a shame that he can't try to feel something good.

He also does things like we will make love one night and the next morning he is crying and upset and in a funk again because we had made love the night before......it makes it so very hard to want to show him affection (not because I am angry at him or that I don't want to) because he tells me it hurts him and I don't want to do that anymore - I have done that enough by what I did.

If there is one thing I do get angry about, it is the fact that living with someone with these conditions at times in our marriage has been hell to put it bluntly - and I have stood by him and never left him - even though he deserved it many times. And now because of my confession of what I did 13 years ago - he doesn't look at me the same way, can't trust me again, doesn't feel about me the same way he used to etc...and I know that is deserving for what I did - but there doesn't seem to be any empathy for "why" I did it (not to hurt him at all only to hurt myself - as screwed up as that is!!!) and no understanding that I have stayed with him through thick and thin all these years.

distressed
on my thread a person told me that only I can heal the wounds inside me I.E my ego and the PA my wife can be there beside me but after all is said and done its up to me.so I would expect until he makes it up in his mind to heal he wont. now as to what you mentioned his conditions ive heard of a few of them but dont understand what they mean except for what pepperband said.Is there no medications that can help him?
sorry computer crashed cut me off,
Now Ive read some posts where its been 2 years and they still feel pain from the A and im sure there are some that it doesnt take that long. "the journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step" I can only hope that his conditions dont destroy that which you labor to repair. It just takes time and some times there just isnt enough time in the world to heal......
where my situation is different I guess is that i had guessed about the affair when it happened so alot of anger and resentment I would feel now after her telling me, I had back then because I just KNEW it had happened. I forgave my wife the day after she told me because it seemed that because of her honesty I could do no less. I dont know if his conditions will prevent him from doing this for you and for himself I only pray that he will at some point to spare both of you the continued pain and get you back on the road to a great marriage

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: cliff ]</small>

distressed,

My story sounds similar to yours in the way I was "caught". My H started questioning an e-mail I had received from a male friend (and he was just a friend), and he started questioning me. Like you, I hadn't told him about the friend because I was afraid of his reaction. He too asked me to take a lie detector test and knowing what was coming, I finally came clean about an affair I had 2 years ago. While I had never actually slept with the person, I certainly did cheat on my H and marriage. My H and I were having problems then and I was thinking of separating for a little bit, and his friend started getting closer to me. Before I knew it, I was in a situation that I had a hard time controlling. Notice I didn't say that I "couldn't" control because I know that would just be a cop-out. Anyway, I was so ashamed of what I had done that I resolved to be a better wife and be faithful. I didn't want to ever tell my H because I knew how much it would hurt him and I figured it was over so what was the point? That, I can see, was selfish thinking on my part. At any rate, coming clean about it lifted a heavy burden from my soul. Now we're trying to deal with this. My H said he loves me and wants to work things out, but then the other day he said he's not sure how he really feels. I can understand how hurt he is and how horrible he must feel. I really hate myself for doing that to him. I really do love him and want to make our marriage work. I think that we can have an even better relationship than before. I have been reading the book "Torn Asunder" and it has really opened my eyes to what happened and to understand the type of affair it was. I want to lean all about this so that I will know how to avoid this in the future.

I have offered to go to a counselor to get myself straightened out, and think that it would be very beneficial for us both to go. However he's been somewhat resistant to that. I think he somehow feels the counselor will blame him for what happened. I told him that's not the case. I certainly don't blame him for what happened - that was totally my fault and I'll shoulder all of the blame and responsibility for it.

We just celebrated, if you can call it that, our 4th anniversary on Valentine's Day. During those 4 years, we've had so much stress on our marriage - it's been very rocky from the start. But I truly do love him and want to work things out.

I'm sorry...I'm rambling now. I have found this forum to be a good source, and my H has been here to (we found it together). I wish you well with your journey and I'm sure we'll meet again in here.