GRRRRR...

Okay we made a date for tonite and that's great if anyone saw my post earlier about pizza and a dvd. I was excited... I went and started cleaning up... wanted everything to be nice here... and WHAM!!!!


I don't know if anyone saw my post in the recovery section under just need to vent...


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=013804


but my WS's OW has a son who plays on the same sport's team as my son, which my WS coaches. I told him I didn't want her son on that team anymore.... or our son.... then.... he said fine I just won't coach... well this made me angry to say the least our son is 12 and his dad has been his coach since he was 4. How could he be so selfish and choose not to alienate her son over OURS. well, today he said he is going to coach... and sent an email to the team asking who would like to still play with him..... AND guess what... the email not only went to me BUT to the OW....

Okay I just want to scream and hollar at him... he knows how I feel about this.... why don't my feelings matter... okay I'm going to try the 180. He sent me an email asking why I wasn't responding to his emails and then he instant messaged me asking the same thing. All I said was I am trying not to be angry, please give me a moment to collect my thoughts. I am on the verge of going crazy.... is this me? Am I nuts?

I think you are right....act like you do not care...and try to minimize the importance of your date with him...so he knows you may be moving on.

EZ to say, hard to do...especially with your son's situation.

Have you exposed the A?

Some of my close friends from the team know. In fact, many of them know... because the first time he came home in Jan, he told them he was selfish and the stupidest man on face of the earth and that I must truly love him to take him back after what he did. He felt that way exactly 24 hours!!!!, then poof back to her. I sent him an email after I let myself cool down stating I was glad he was going to be coaching. I was very proud of him when he coached and that our son would be thrilled. I guess that's all I can do.... I guess I just got caught up in the fact her name was on that list.... so he emailed her... and if they play together that will happen all of the time... AGAIN... Sigh this is so flippin hard.

What else should I do when you say expose the A? Not everyone knows just a few people, are also close social friends as well as team parents. Most of the team parents have no idea. What should I do?

Heavenlee,

Looks like I was posting at the same time you were, but I posted in your other topic - so check it out it may help. I hope any little advice is good advice. You sound better this morning anyway. You should just act like the date is not as important as he may think it is. It might help if he knew that you were not only moving on but getting interested in other things that don't involve him in any way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Your H sounds just like mine, a cake eater. First he gets you all settled down and expecting a nice evening. He wants to be sure you are there for him.

When he is satisfied that you will be, he sends out email and includes OW. GRRRR. I would still stay in Plan A right now, until you have done it for 3 months.

Then time for Plan B.

Believer,

We must all be part of the same club then because my H is the same way. Only I am so tired of it now that I could scream - and actually I usually do scream!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I have been trying plan A for 3months now, and we have made great progress. The affair has ended I think, and we are spending time as a family. Yet no real sex life and no quality time alone doing anything. Everything is as a family. He helps out with the house again but that is all I still feel disconnected because he will not move back into the house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Eventhough when he talks of us he says everything in the future tense yet he claims that he wants to make sure we are right before he moves back home. that sounds like an excuse to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Heavenlee, is the OW married? If not, maybe expose to her family. She needs to get out of your marriage and family.

Exposing is hard. I haven't really done it because my H says its just a friendship and stupid me is starting to believe him. But the betrayal is still there and anyone else who sees what they have done, see it as no different from a PA. I'm still debating exposing because I want the whole R,no matter what it is, to end. It has to or I will go insane.

You can't appeal to the OW, but perhaps to her parents. She is ruining your children's life and its obvious from your H's efforts, however 1/2 a****, your M could survive if she was out of the picture.

I wish I could talk to you on the phone.

LOL eerie isn't it? How much alike these waywards are. Yup, I guess that was to real me in and set me up for what he really wanted which was to get the team thing going. Later he sent me an email about playing on the adult team again... said he missed it. I said I am going to go back to playing on Sunday and I he asked about what I would be doing with the kids. I said I will take them with me just like WE use to. (we both us to play on the team, and would just take our kids). All I got was an email saying I am just so f*&*&^^g angry right now. I asked him why and he said like what I think matters. I don't know what that means or anything. I have no clue as to what could have made him angry. He said he might talk to me about it tonight, so I guess I wait. I do just love waiting and waiting and waiting. Isn't it so much fun?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Later he sent me an email about playing on the adult team again... said he missed it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is good. You need to do things such as this together. It something you enjoy doing together, something you can share. Do it with him! Use it as an opportunity to deposit love units.

Get this... it's my turn to feel guilty I guess. I guess that is what he wants... I don't know...

Here's the latest email.

I am tired of being stuck in a piece of s$$t apartment with nothing and not being with my kids everyday. I am so f$%*&(*&@g mad I want to explode. I hate it and I am so f#$*&(&g mad I cant even think. I may just go get in the f#(*&g car and leave and never come back again ever.

Here was my response... I don't know if it was right or wrong I just did what my heart told me to do...

I know it must be terribly hard for you. I am very sick of being in this house without you and seeing our kids everyday without you. I know it has got to be much harder on you, at least I have most of the comforts of home. I understand how angry you must be, and I am sorry you feel anger. Hey if you do go in the car and all... can I come? I've been feeling like doing that for months....

I guess that was better than LBing.... I mean I wanted to scream you stupid IDIOT all you have to do is give up your GIRLFRIEND.... and come back and make our marriage work... ALL you have to do to get yourself outta that apt is make a choice.... make a choice.... Make a choice.... This is your bed, you made it... now you're mad because you have to lie in it... well so sorry for your luck buddy.... LOL that's what I wanted to say... but I so refrained.... and let the tender part I was feeling for him come through instead of the scolding part. We will see how it goes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heavenlee30:
<strong>
but my WS's OW has a son who plays on the same sport's team as my son, which my WS coaches. I told him I didn't want her son on that team anymore.... or our son</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't get this one. Do you want your wayward husband to kick the other woman's son off of the team? What is the justice in that? Did this child do anything to hurt you? Is he causing the affair? I don't get it.

Now if you asked me about kicking your WH in the a@@ I would give you a thumbs up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But, the child is another victim of the A. Don't take it out on him. Since coaching the team puts your WH in contact with the OW, then as a condition to starting reconcilliation he should stop coaching the team. Leave the child out of it.

When I said that he said he wasn't going to coach anymore. In fact told the league director he wasn't going to coach. I felt that was a fair option and that I could then move my son to another team.... but he has as of today changed his mind on that. He says that too.... he shouldn't punish the kids for his actions. I agree with that, too. In some respects though I think it's my job to care for my kids... I am not the OW's son's parent... and she should have thought about possible consequences for her son when she engaged in the A. She should have considered protecting her son and what kind of impact that would have on him... as well... as my H should have taken our son into consideration. It's your job as a parent to protect your kids.... and niether of them have done a great job. Now no matter which way this plays out.... someone's kid gets hurt.... my son if his dad doesn't coach as he has for the past 8 years. My son and her son as the A is exposed.... my son already knows about the A and knows who it is... if you see the post I made under a previous thread you will see why... before I knew about the A... he was taking my kids on dates with them and he told my kids he was going to marry her. So my kids do know... from what little I get from him... I believe her son knows as well. Well, since my son didn't like the little boy before all this started.... now it's even worse... so what now... her son or my son get hurt and probably both either way this goes. But my job is to protect MY son.... and I do have empathy for her son... but it's not my job to protect him, that's hers... and IMHO she should have thought about her actions before coming onto a married man with two kids.... esp... the coach of her son's soccer team.... am I being harsh?

You have the right to protect your son, but you don't have the right to harm another child, even the OW's child. Getting him kicked off the team because you husband is unfaithful is not right. That boy is NOT the cause of any harm to you or your son. His mother and your husband are the sources of the harm. Why not have the league managers kick your husband out? It's the least he deserves. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Maybe other members of this message board can offer some words of wisdom.

My WH is an Assistant Scoutmaster, and the OW is the patrol leader's mother. He insists on staying with the Troop, since he has been these boys' leader for several years. OW doesn't think it is fair to have to move her son to another Troop. So, they see each other every week, once a month on camping trips, and it is a great excuse for them to "legitimately" communicate.

I have no answer either. I do think if someone leaves, it should be my WH and our sons. OW is single, and owes nobody anything. Eventually, when my WH comes out of the fog, we will have to move Troops. It is sad for our boys, but it is WH's responsibility.

You are right, they should have thought about all of this first. But they should have thought about us BS's, too, and they didn't. Come to think of it, WS's should have thought about how much they hurt themselves with this whole mess - but they didn't.

And we cannot undo that which has been done. Let go of your anger and injustice. It only hinders you. I say this with love and compassion, as I have had to do the same thing.

Love, Amy

Justin I have no intention on punishing that child or any other. I have done nothing wrong. My behavior or actions did not cause that boy harm... his mother's and my husband's behavior caused those kids harm. I think my husband should not coach... but like everything else lately.... anything I ask or want it's totally the opposite of what he does. So if he has decided to coach... then I have to make a choice my son or hers.... well.... it will have to be mine!!!

Heavenlee, our situations are so similar. My H met his OW through my son's sports also. Its sick actually that under the guise of building good character in children, they allowed themselves to get involved. Two families destroyed, hers in the process of divorce, mine nearing separation.

If your H is willing, he needs to not coach and put your son on a different team. Or if you pull your son from the team, your H has no reason to coach. Put him in baseball or something else. I don't know. My H is unwilling to get "uninvolved" in his volunteer work either. Its hard to fathom that the family is not worth it.

I know Nid... it's such a no brainer... Let's see what do they think their children really want... Daddy home OR Daddy coaching their team? Ummm.... let's see what do you think they really want Daddy not home and Daddy coaching their team and Mommy crazy all the time because daddy is seeing his g/f.... what do they think they are saying to their kids.... It's just so hard.... I got an ultimatum tonite.... You can read it in my other post... I don't know all might be lost... or maybe it's just fogspeak... I don't know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heavenlee30:
<strong> So if he has decided to coach... then I have to make a choice my son or hers.... well.... it will have to be mine!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I must disagree. The choice is not your son or hers. Neither child is doing anything wrong. Your proper course of action is to expose the affair to the other parents on the team and to whoever runs the league. The proper course of action is to get your husband removed from coaching the team.

I am not a mind reader and I may misunderstand. But, reading the above quote makes me think that you are trying to hurt the OW's son to get back at her. "See sonny, look what your mother made me do!"

Thanks Justin... I definitely see your point. Maybe I should let the cat outta the bag here and if you knew me a little better you would understand in no way would I try to hurt a child. In fact, I am teacher (in fact the OW son was in my class). I am a Special Education teacher who deals with special needs children daily. So no I wouldn't punish this child or any other. My original choice was exactly that... I didn't want my H to coach. The league president does know and wanted to know why I didn't want him to coach and I told her, so she understands. Now that my H has decided to coach... I simply ask that the OW son be placed on another team. This is a town league, there are several teams within the same league. In fact, I was placing my son on another team but his father insists on coaching him. I have to allow my son to play with his father... because his father is insistant on coaching again. I know that it is a terribly high price for the kids to pay for their parent's mistakes. I am not saying the kids shouldn't play.... I am saying if the league has four teams he could play on any of the other three. That would mean that my son would play against him at least twice a season.... but I can accept that. See While I allowed my H to take my son to soccer b/c he was the coach and their wasn't a point to both of us going every other day to practices when he had to be there too... she was there... and instead of doing the drop/run like all the other parents she stayed and hit on my H after every practice. Well, I just can't see how that can continue for the sake of our marriage. Of course, all this seems pretty mute now.... because since he's not going to come home anytime soon. And if we are not together... I don't see any reason not to say no. But Justin I truly love kids.. in fact.. I was teacher of the year for more than 100 schools in my area... I am nnot a person who wants to see kids hurt. My point is... he's making a choice... NC with her means NC... no matter what the reason.