I posted 2 days ago "Amazing Memory Loss", and this is a follow-up to that. Yes, I did blast my H. Most of these weeks since 1/8/04 I have been amazing, in that I have stayed calm and centered. He has chosen our marriage over OW. It's been difficult because as I've written, she has to train new person before she goes. He has made a point of never being alone with her, and often sends her home early.

I have rarely gone off on him like I did the other night. In a way it was good because he realizes it's not just about him choosing me, but I have a choice whether I want to choose him now.

That night he said he would answer my questions. I asked him if they were screwing and he said yes. OK, I knew they were having some kind of sex. But just over the past week he told me they hadn't had intercourse because he was afraid he couldn't do it because of sexual dysfunction from blood pressure drugs. This had been the truth in our marriage. Our sex life has been screwed up since the late 90s because of him being on ssri's and the BP meds. At some point this year he changed his BP meds for us, but ended up screwing her. Over these months my sex drive never decreased. So while I cried because of the lack of sex, he was having sex with someone else. It's not like this is a huge surprise, but hearing the truth sure is a hit in the gut. Yesterday I went back to feeling numb. I am not jealous of her, but I do wonder how my body who has had 2 kids can compare pleasurably to a 30 something who has not had kids.

Ok, but that is not the most painful memory, thinking of H boinking his secretary. My H is a funeral director, and she was going to be an apprentice to become one herself. Which is when partner began feeling she was gunning for his job. When my dad died in August, of course my H was family and did not fill the funeral director role. She worked at my dad's wake, and he invited her over in-between visiting hours to be with my family and friends. I just can't believe that. But it gets worse. My dad's funeral was beautiful. It was a wonderful tribute to him. But I now have the memory of her working the funeral, of her pushing his casket in church, while my H sat next to me and held my hand. It sickens me!

H now can't understand why he allowed that. He gets my pain over this, but said he was so screwed up he never even thought it was a problem. All I can think about is "How could you have disrespected me, my family, and the memory of my dad by having the woman you were $$$$ing participate in the whole funeral process?" Not to mention the fact that I dealt with all of the stress of my dad dying and his death alone. Not to mention that I have barely dealt with that grief because I was feeling the loss of my marriage and grieving that.

I brought this memory up to him again this morning. I know he is overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. Should I just stop talking about the pain until we get to MC, and the "B" is finally gone? How do you all deal with the painful memories? Will I ever feel like this man loves me who could have treated me so badly? Can someone love you who is capable of such a lack of love?

I don't mean to whine. I know other's stories are much worse than mine. But this is my story and I ask for your replies. Thanks!

CV55 -

I've read almost all of your posts on these boards. I can feel your frustration. I'm in the same boat.

You asked how to deal with these painful memories. I'll tell you what I do but it doesn't always work for me. Sometimes it does.

When I start of focus on the memories and the visions of my H with the OW I try to distract myself. I'll do housework or I'll go to the gym. Or if I can't get it out of my head I come to this board and read read read.

Don't think about it. Don't let this bring you down and make you bitter. Focus on yourself and bettering yourself. If you have doubts about your body...who carew what he thinks...do something about it. Do it for you, not for him. Your energy is better used on bettering yourself and not letting this hag bring you down any further. Don't let her or the thoughts of her bring you down. Rise up.

Like you, I am the BS. I think that people in affairs compartmentalize their lives. It's funny -- Tom was using that word in describing how Sophia could pursue him while remaining married. Your H probably didn't think that this woman being at your father's funeral would be a problem because it didn't connect that you would ever find out about the affair or that the affair would affect your marriage.

Your H did terrible things without regard for your feelings. Don't allow your own anguish to cause him anguish. He needs to come to the realization himself that what he did was despicable, not have it preached at him.

I look back with lots of regret about my own actions. I got caught up in the anger and horror of what he had done without seeing that I was doing horrible things myself. We don't really discuss this -- he has been discrete whenever he has mentioned how I acted after the affair was exposed -- but I hurt our marriage, too.

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
<strong>How do you all deal with the painful memories? Will I ever feel like this man loves me who could have treated me so badly? Can someone love you who is capable of such a lack of love?

I don't mean to whine. I know other's stories are much worse than mine. But this is my story and I ask for your replies. Thanks! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CV55, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there will be a time when you hardly think about this anymore. It is shocking when you first see your life through truthful eyes. It is like the kaliedoscope shifts and everything looks different. It is very shocking and very devastating at first. But, it is an important part of recovery.

You have experienced the greatest betrayal a spouse can endure and it won't be easy, but with some work, you can recover and have a better marriage than you had before.

While it is important to talk to him about this, without lovebusters, it might help quite a bit if you came here and vented to us when you feel like this. You don't even want to do anything right now to push him away.

Its a very good sign that he is being truthful with you. You really have to have your questions answered to your satisifaction in order to move forward.

Thanks to all of you! Truthfully I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this site to vent. Unless you've been through this you can't get it. Several years ago a friend was going through this. I was her main confidant. Her H said it was an EA, but I had doubts. At the time I couldn't figure out why she was putting up with all his crap. Now here I am and can't believe I haven't dumped my H. I'm sure I've shared this, but A's run in his family. I have always hated them, and he knew that. Plus he didn't approve either. The fact that he ended up doing this to me and us is still so unbelievable. How many times I told him "If you ever are going to have an affair, just end our marriage first, before you have the A." So much for my request.

Cherished, I think you're right about the compartmentalizing. To H Ow was just doing her job, which happened to be working my dad's funeral. He said he did feel guilty when she came over our house at the time. I still can't believe H's insensitivity and stupidity.

We talked on the phone several times yesterday. Pleasant conversations. When he came home from work I found myself just looking at him, thinking, "Wow, he was screwing another woman. I wonder when the last time they had sex was. I wonder how often they had sex."

We drove to a place we could walk last night. In the car he tells me something like, "When things calm down I want to start playing guitar with (a female friend) again." I like this female friend, but actually felt neglected when he had been playing guitar with her in he past. Anyway, I just looked at H in disbelief. My words: "Are you crazy? I just found out about your PA, we're not even close to recovery, and you're planning on getting together with a female friend?" No, I don't think so. He admitted that was pretty stupid. I felt hopeless at that moment. Like, this guy doesn't get it! This morning he kind of laughed and said "One day we'll look back at this as one crazy time." I'm thinking, "I don't think I'm ever going to be laughing about it." It is clear to me that the only way the WS will ever really understand what the BS feels like is if the marriage gets back to a trusting place and then thw BS has an A. WS can feel remorse, regret, guilt, but they can never get the pain. And that really pisses me off!

While walking we talked, because I couldn't contain my feelings. It was a good conversation, and long, we walked for over an hour. I told him how I now think of him with her. He didn't even get that at first. He read and I'm reading "After the Affair." We talked about things in the book that fit why this could have happened to us. He was so susceptible, and now admits OW was a very willing participant. I told my H something my therapist and I talked about Tuesday. I keep going over how I wasn't a stupid person in any of this. I warned him every time I got gut feeling about the danger of he and OW getting too close. I tried to get him to turn towards me and communicate as soon as I could tell our marriage was slipping. Last spring I saw a shrink to help me deal with my dad's debilitating health and his avoidance so I could cope better, and be there for H and kids. Plus, I was not withholding sex. My shrink told me that sometimes a spouse can do everything right, but you ultimately can't control what your partner chooses to do. I'm not backing off of responsibility. But I know in my heart that last year was one crisis after another. I wanted us to support each other like two mature people, and he chose to find support with his secretary.

MelodyLane, you said to vent. Sorry, I guess I need to get this out. Hope it isn't too boring. Finally, last night we had sex, not intercourse. Just can't do that with him now. He wanted to, has 2 times before. Is this weird, us having sex? Frankly I am so horny, and do have feelings for him. I actually said to H while walking, "I need to pass my liscensure exam, so I can get a job, so I can meet someone to have sex with." He just looked at me and said, "I can't believe you said that." I was actually kind of serious. Am I going insane? Ok, I think I'm done. Thanks!!!