My wife had an affair several months ago. She did it in our home (twice according to her) with a married man that is employed by the same company as her. She sees him maybe 20 mins a day and she swears it is only business contact in a room full of other employees. She is extremely remorseful and trying extremely hard to fix our relationship. She has a great job and if she left we would have a new hardship.I never spoke to his wife or anyone besides my therapist about the affair. My wife is extremely greatful that I did not blab it to all and is in fear that his wife may show up one day. She does not want me to tell anyone but says that he is getting off easy since nobody else knows. We are both in therapy. This happened 7 months ago and I do not plan on telling anyone. We are doing better each day.
I did speak to him and advise him that if he ever touched my wife again i would handle it much differently. I know he is fearful that i will tell his wife.

Am I making a mistake by not telling his wife?

Should I insist that she change jobs?

I am getting so i trust her a little more and do not think she would ever get back with him. In therapy she has learned that she may have done this because she married young, children grown and moved out and that she was flattered that another guy made a pass at her. She claims that it was a big stupid mistake and that he never meant anything to her.

Thanks to all of you for listening to my venting.

Okay some things to consider.

Telling the OP's spouse is always a must if the affair is on going.

Its a your choice kind of thing if you think there is a chance they may reconnect or if you doubt that your spouse is disclosing fully.

After that it becomes a tossup on whether to contact.

One reason in my book to contact after an affair is over is to prevent the other party from feeling like they can get away with it and hence do it again to some other family or marriage.

I will tell you this wayward spouses will ALWAYS tell less than the whole truth. Part of it is deliberate lies they simply don't want the whole ugly truth coming out. Part of it is they really didn't realize just how deep they were in it.

Often they think they were together much less, cell phoned much less and that the affair was much shorter than it actually was....and this is from waywards spouses that thought they were being completely honest.

If you think not knowing the whole truth will eat at you if you don't do this then do it for the long term benefit of your marriage and to avoid a false recovery on your part.

thanks for your opinion. I know that this was not his first affair and I also suspect that his wife may get around also. That was another reason I did not want to tell. I was also affraid that my wife would loose her job.

Thanks

I think you absolutely should tell his wife. His wife has a right to know what has gone on in her life. It is the decent and humane thing to do. Her H is [was] destroying her behind her back and she needs to know so that she can take steps to protect herself and her children from him. This is probably not the first or last time he has done this.

If you need a selfish reason to it, I would only point out that the OMW can help on her end to make sure that it doesn't happen again by keeping a close eye on him.

As far as your W continuing contact with the OM, Harley states, and I agree with him, that recovery does not take place until contact - ALL CONTACT - ends completely. Every time they see each other, she is put back to day 1 in her recovery [so are you too]. It is like playing Russian Roulette and hoping for the best. Harley recommends quitting jobs or even moving if you have to in order to end contact.

They started as work friends. He hounded her and she gave in. According to her there was no love or real relationship. He was a player type and she made a huge mistake by giving in. I think she now realizes that he used her. She is upset with him and they do not talk. I do not want to tell his wife because I fear for my wife. The OM is married and i am sure his wife knows he is on the prowl. He knows that if he trys anything that I will handle things much differently.
Thanks

MAS1

Well if the other man's a player then odds are he has seen other men too embarassed to tell his wife and he counts on that.

Also who is to say his wife knows of this stuff and plays around as well. If your source for this opinion is the other man then more than likely he lied about his wife to your wife. Player's often lie to the women they are pursuing hoping to make themselves look sympathetic.

Besides she may know some of his affairs but not all and may have told him one more affair and we are through. So go ahead and let her know.

Final reason here is the fact you really don't want some other family going thru what you are. So if telling his wife reduces the chances of this happening again then you need to.

Unfortunately I am on the other side...I had an ongoing affair w/a coworker and told my husband 6 years ago. I did quit and find another job but to this day he/we still struggle with it. My H wanted to tell the OM's wife but I asked him not to and wonder if that would have helped him get over the affair. I only wonder if telling the other persons spouse about the affair is an act of revenge?
If you and your wife have any chance at all of recovering from this tragedy - she must find another job! Temptation and memories are too close if they work together still.
Not that I'm in a position to give advice to you, but my one tip is to really show interest in your marriage and your wife as if you were back in the dating game. Let her know she's the most important person in your life and find activities that you both enjoy together. Keep the lines of communication open and BEST WISHES!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blevit:
<strong> I only wonder if telling the other persons spouse about the affair is an act of revenge?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does it really ever matter WHY the OP's spouse is told? The person needs to be told REGARDLESS of the tellers motivation so that the OP's spouse can protect herself and her children. This person is being destroyed behind their back and needs to be warned. And if someone does tell the spouse based on revenge, then shame on them, but it doesn't change the need to know.

Would we even be having this discussion if the spouse was having money embezzled by their bookkeeper? I can't imagine how anyone would rationalize not telling them, but I see folks try to rationalize not telling the victims of adultery, to my AMAZEMENT. When someone is being destroyed behind their back, it is the DECENT and MORAL thing to warn them, regardless of one's "motivation." Telling the victim is not for the benefit of the teller, but for the benefit of the victim.

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

MAS1

Please tell his W. You really don't know if she knows anything or not. My W's OM was having A's for over 30+ years on his W. I believe I was the first to every let her know. Reguardless do it so that she can work on her M if she chooses to. It is the right thing to do, even if she doesn't believe you. She will be on her guard.

Also it would be good for your W to find another job. If the guy is a predator then you might have just erged him to go after your W again. Also if he fears you telling his W, then she probably knows nothing.

If nothing else ask your W to write his W a letter of apology with enough details that the OMW knows that an A happened.

If your W loses her job, well sometimes there is a price to pay to your actions or in doing the right thing.