I'm hoping some of you can help me. I know I'm lucky hubby is still home and says he loves me. Our story is way to long to give. Hx of 7 years ago phone calls coming from female while he would be out of town. Only when he was out of town. She would only hang up when told he wasnt home. To this day he says no one he knew. He went overseas for a couple years. Started talking to me about a coworker. Did not know her previously. Did things with her and for her that he had only done for me in previous years. He is back and we are working on marriage. My gut screams at me that something happened. I have constant battles between my head and my heart. I emailed her last year and she used the same words he used to tell me, that he was only a mentor and brother. He says he has had no contact with her for over a year. This gut feeling happened one other time over ten years ago. No proof. He is different now and seems to be really trying. I can't live through this again and everything I went through for those two years. I believe God will see us through and I have every faith in God but how do I have faith in hubby when I get this incredible feeling he isn't telling me everything? How do we rebuild? What happens if I'm wrong? I have tried to make him feel safe? I have tried for months to let it go but it won't let me go. Please help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trying2believe:
Welcome to MB,

Please read the concepts section above and pay special attention to the emotional needs info. There is also a questionnaire if you both can take w/b good.

Also get ahold of the book His Needs/Her Needs. Right now you are at a point of recovery but still need the guidance of a good MC. Steve, Jennifer and Cerri here at MB also do phone counseling in the privacy of your owh home. It may be worth investing in a couple of sessions. Together as a couple w/b good or even just yourself. Getting a 2nd opinion on some of your apprehensions may be valuable.

<strong>.......I believe God will see us through and I have every faith in God but how do I have faith in hubby when I get this incredible feeling he isn't telling me everything? How do we rebuild? What happens if I'm wrong? I have tried to make him feel safe? I have tried for months to let it go but it won't let me go. Please help. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your questions are valid. The area where I disagree is that if he is the WS, you don't need to make him feel safe (other than being a good W). He needs to make you feel safe. He needs to restore your trust in him.

For some couples a kind of expulsion ceremony where something is discarded or a trigger is overcome together is helpful. During my WS' A, I went to the ocean and screamed and cried. There was an ugliness in my soul that needed to come out. I had a lot of anger in me. It was preventing my personal recovery.

In my case there were many false recoveries. When my H finally turned back into a real H, I could tell immediately. He no longer had his anger. He wasn't hiding anything and he was and has been sensitive to my feelings of hurt and pain. Unfortunately, I think about the A events everyday. It brings me great pain but I know I can handle it. Sometimes I even laugh at how stupid all this was.

So start out knowing your recovery will take time. One step at a time. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. you are not in sync yet and it seems to be frustrating you. Let your H know his role in helping you get over this mess.

Read as much as you can and keep posting.

take care,
L.

Well, you can't really recover from an affair when the spouse is compounding the crime by being deceitful. He is committing a fraud by not telling you. A marriage based on fraud and deceit can't possibly recover.

I would explain to him that you know something happened and that your right to know far supercedes his fear of your reaction. To withhold pertinent facts about your life is cruel and manipulative. You are being held hostage in a marriage with his lie.

You won't rest a minute until you know and neither will he. He is better off just getting it out in one fell swoop NOW and getting it over with rather than listen to your suspicions for the next 20 years.

Thank you both for your responses. It means so much. I have thought about counseling but I have a very hard time opening up to others. Its taken me a long time to post on the board. Financially I'm not sure I can but I know you can't put a price on a marriage either. I know now that one of his most important EN's is recreational cause that's what he was getting from this. I didn't provide that because I was to busy taking care of the kids and being a mother not a wife. I had to learn to put him first.

ORCHID: I have read on the boards several times that in order for the spouse to open up they have to feel safe so that's what I have tried to create.

He says he knows he needs to earn my trust back but the first step for me is for full disclosure and I know at this point in time I may never get that.

You are right I do need to get out what is deep down inside of me. I have not cried much during this whole time I shut down. But I'm afraid at this point once I start I may not be able to stop.

Hubby tells me he knows he made a mistake. That if he had made different choices we wouldn't be here. He says he will never make those choices again and he does understand how I could think there was more than friendship/commraderie but he swears there was not. My head screams at me there is no way thats all it is and my heart screams back I'm a bad wife for believing other than what he is saying. He has lied to me before to "protect me" man I hate that. He now says that he is honest with everything. He also told me that he was being very honest with me during this whole thing otherwise why would he tell me what he was doing. But he wasn't totally honest because I have found out many other things since then. I told him one of my biggest fears is that I'm going to move past this, give him my heart back and then I'm going to find out there is more to this. He said that its possible that I may find out that they were at this event together or that. But that he has told me all.

He asked me what I needed for him to do for me to get closure. I told him I needed to know everything and he said I already do. So I then told him that I needed to see the pics she has of them during this time. He emailed her on our computer asking her. I've got one, a group shot. You know what's interesting about this group pic. Is that when he would come home for visits during his time overseas he would want to wear the same color shirt. Hmmmm felt like I was back in high school. but I did. Well in this pic they are the only two that have the same color shirt. Coincidence head says no, heart says yes. I also told him I needed to know about the kiss. He admitted that she kissed him but that he can't remember anything about it. He did say that it would have just been a peck on the check as they were leaving because anything else and he would've felt like he was cheating on me.

I'm trying to find that peace within me about all this and becoming the kind of wife I should have been before. I've worked on me alot these past couple years the Lord has had a lot to show me. But how do I get my head to quit screaming fool and my heart to quit screaming bad wife for thinking these things. Also when I just get to the point I can move on something else circumstantial comes up about them. I really do see him trying and I do feel the love from him but....

MELODY: My question is how do I get that truth. He knows how I feel. He knows my suspicions he swears that there was nothing more than friendship and him being her mentor. I don't know how to get him to open up. I even told him I don't want a divorce I just want the truth so we can move forward and make our marriage better than before. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fake because I'm trying to move on and be the wife God calls me to be. He said that yes it would probably be easier for us to go our separate ways right now but that he doesn't want that he wants us. How do you get the truth? What happens if he is telling the truth would I be pushing him away and destroying our chances to recover if I dont' accept what he is saying?

<strong> from T2B:......I'm trying to find that peace within me about all this and becoming the kind of wife I should have been before. I've worked on me alot these past couple years the Lord has had a lot to show me. But how do I get my head to quit screaming fool and my heart to quit screaming bad wife for thinking these things. Also when I just get to the point I can move on something else circumstantial comes up about them. I really do see him trying and I do feel the love from him but....</strong>

T2B,

It takes time for your heart and mind to sync up. Read His needs/her needs for starters. Read it together. Let him work to restore the trust. You may find you need to do less and let him to do more. That is what worked for me. You know what? It was harder for me to do less. But I am learning. So there is hope for you 2. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

How do I do less?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trying2believe:
<strong>....... I believe God will see us through and I have every faith in God but how do I have faith in hubby when I get this incredible feeling he isn't telling me everything? How do we rebuild? What happens if I'm wrong? I have tried to make him feel safe? I have tried for months to let it go but it won't let me go. Please help. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Your trust is not there. He needs to restore it not you. It is not making him feel safe, he needs to make you feel safe. He is already safe, he is at home with you.

Overcome the fear of 'what if' and work with 'what it is'. Does your H know your top 5 ENs? If not, he needs to know. Both of you take that test. When he does, ask him how he plans to help meet those ENs. You also must show him what you will do for his ENs.

If you are a giver by nature, then read the book Giver/Taker by Dr Harley. Read it and see if you can see yourself in there. Are you the planner and coordinator of events in your family? Can others do some of the chores normally left to you? Can you relinquish some responsibility to others including your H? Sometimes family members 'think', only mom knows how to do this or that.....not true and we need to NOT enable our family members in that way. Big chores, little chores, fun stuff, yucky stuff....share the wealth of work. It tends to bring people together. They may appreciate you more.

My H knows that for me it is very stimulating to see hin do the 'dishes and vacuum the house'. LOL!!! He knows..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trying2believe:
<strong>....... He knows my suspicions he swears that there was nothing more than friendship and him being her mentor. I don't know how to get him to open up. I even told him I don't want a divorce I just want the truth so we can move forward and make our marriage better than before. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fake because I'm trying to move on and be the wife God calls me to be. He said that yes it would probably be easier for us to go our separate ways right now but that he doesn't want that he wants us. How do you get the truth? What happens if he is telling the truth would I be pushing him away and destroying our chances to recover if I dont' accept what he is saying? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Don't be a fake. Let him know your fears are real to you. Reassurance will help. He needs to know that recovery often takes longer than the A. You need to know that also. Restoration of trust is easier said than done. A BS goes through various stages of grieving and one of the hardest is regaining one's trust.

Be patient. Pray for the clear mind and calm heart. The more he shows he is putting you and the family first the sooner you will recover.

This is gonna take time. There is NO pill that can fix it. You must allow yourself sometime and space to heal.

Hope this helps.

L.

Thank you Orchid,

I read and reread what you said and gave it much thought over the weekend. Your giver suggestion has been right on. It has been one of hubby's complaints over the years is that I do to much for everyone else. So I have over the past four years stopped doing so much for everyone. (I was the one everyone would come to to help with problems) He has also said recently I need to have the kids do more. I say they do alot already he just never really sees it because he is gone so much(military). Recently I did something he wanted me to wait to do so he could help me but I did it because I know how overwhelmed he is with work. But I'm beginning to see that maybe that is one of the things he needs to do for me. It's just with him in the military it makes it harder because I have to do so much otherwise it will never get done because he is not here much.

I tried to do the EN's with him this weekend, he started doing it until he came to the what could your spouse do part. then he said it required to much thinking to do it at that time. I do know one of his major EN's is recreational and I'm trying to fulfill. It's challenging given the amount of time he is not here. However I am trying to make it work. He knows by me telling him that honesty is the number one need I have. He says he is being honest but I can set him up and he will lie. I have stopped doing that it just didnt' serve any purpose. We did do a DR. Phil questionairre that was just a yes or no. He scored fairly well on our relationship. He was extremely shocked to see that I scored in the emotional divorce category and he hasn't stopped making comments about it.

Thank you for the words to pray for a clear mind and calm heart that is what I need Thank you!!

You have helped. I do so want that quick fix or to fix it myself and I know this one I have to stay out of God's way. I'm just not good at doing that. I kept telling God if I just knew the truth than I could help God. My fear is I'm going to give my whole self back to my hubby and then find out there was more to this.