I've been a lurker here for some time and now its time to step forward and ask for help. I want some advice on breaking the addiction of an A, moving forward with the NC letter and getting my life and marriage back together.

By my actions, my life and more importantly my marriage and the life and emotions of my spouse have been in turmoil for nearly two years. I am living apart from my spouse, partly I suspect as some form of self-imposed punishment for my actions. My spouse is a believer in MB and referred to me this board months ago.

I don't expect a gentle nudge from some but hope for advice and counsel from those who have been in my position. I'm in a state of paralysis. Actions need to follow intentions. Getting into an A is rather easy. Getting out is a much greater challenge.

Thank you for listening, but more importantly, thank you for your advice.

LB,

Ok, first I am glad you decided to join and post, but what would be really useful is some understanding of the facts as you see them. How long as the A been going on? What do you think made you decide this was a good idea? What are your goals for your marriage?

Whatdo you think is holding you back from ending the A? And what kind of help do you think you need?

Have you had a chance to read the articles here? I hope so, but if not you might want to read about topics such as NEEDs, withdrawal, etc.

I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

Check this link ... true’s heart letter to ws

Yes read True hearts letter...

It is poetic.

I sent it to my WH... and I wish he were ready to take those steps to come home... but he isn't.

I wish you all of the best.

Lost Bird,

Welcome to MB - posting and seeking help and support on this forum is the best decision you could have ever made for yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know and understand it&#8217;s much easier to get involved in an A than to actually get out of it (and you must be prepared for a difficult time during the withdrawal and recovery of your M) but this is why this forums and people is here for you &#8211; to help and support you (and sometimes use the famous 4 x 4 in you needs it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). Be prepared that there are many hurting and broken BS&#8217;s on this board and if you sometimes receive a harsh post from someone, just remember that person have his/her own pain, so don&#8217;t take it too personally. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As a starting point I&#8217;ve decided to post the following from an article on this website (written by Harley) to make it easier for you and for in case you haven&#8217;t yet read all the articles on this website (I strongly recommend you to do so). I&#8217;ve put some areas (which I view from my own personal experience as a former WS as VERY IMPORTANT) in bold and italics.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place.

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

How to Get Through Withdrawal

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.

Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lost Bird, I was there myself and I know how diffucult it is to brake away from this addiction (it really is an addiction!). It's not easy to just break all contact cold turkey but you have to do it if you want yourself and you M to recover!! It really is the only way! The longer you wait with this the more difficult it will become and you will only prolong your own recovery process. Just DO it (no matter how hard) and break ALL contact with this person immediately - this will be the first step towards healing. We will be here to support you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lost Bird, also check out the following thread on the "In Recovery" board.

And this one

Both will give you insight into former WS's feelings and (especially the last one) what to expect during withdrawal, NC and recovery process of a FWS.

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 05:56 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

LB-

I just want to congratulate you on your courageous effort by actually posting here on the forum. My dear, you have taken the first step.

I guess as the FWP, I would say to you that the best thing that you can do for yourself is to give yourself the GIFT of NC with either party. It isn't easy to do because your a partner is in your life in the first place because you wanted to feel again after so much pain and unmet needs stemming from your M with your BS.

Truthfully, you need this time to understand why it happened, and to gain clarity about what it is that you REALLY want and need. You can explain it to your BS in this way and if H is truly committed to rebuilding, he will support you...as long as you're truthfull and really want to heal.

Keep posting

Thanks all for the suggested reading material and words of encouragement. I'll respond to your emails later when I have more time. I truly appreciate everything.

Redhat -- thank you very much for the link to true's heart letter. Very insightful and sure shows that many of the thoughts, feelings and hurdles are indeed universal in the world of A's.

Heavenlee -- you were wise to print a copy for your spouse and hope he read it, or will read it soon. Best of luck to you.

LB

Just Learning:
Thank you for your note and encouragement. In answer to your questions:

How long as the A been going on? 18 months. I have lived apart from my W most of the past year.

What do you think made you decide this was a good idea? If you are referring to MB and this site, I was introduced to it through my W. I am very familiar with the articles and have also read two of the Harley's books. I agree with the concepts and practices, but honestly am having great difficulty in moving forward.

What are your goals for your marriage? I don't want to sound overly idealistic but my goals are shared goals, commitment, trust and ideals -- all of which I jeopardized with the A.

What do you think is holding you back from ending the A? I have prepared the NC letter but have not sent it. I attempted NC last summer and sent the letter, only to eventually move out of the house again and eventually re-established contact with the OW. I no longer initiate any contact with the OW, however, periodically, I receive calls from her.

And what kind of help do you think you need? I certainly realize I'm not the first faced with this dilemma. That doesn't make it any easier. For starters, I need some advice on dealing with this current state of paralysis, achieving some clarity in the thought process and turning intentions into concrete actions. Sounds like a tall order, but that's what I'm facing.

The links provided by Red Hat and Suzet were most helpful.

Thank you again for your post. I look forward to hearing from you again.

LB

You sound so much like my WS.

I am amazed your wife stuck it out that long...18 months is like a long time to wait and you have been living apart for almost a year. Is she doing a plan A or plan B with you. If she is doing a plan A then i do admire her patience. You have a very patience wife and she is probably very much in love with you to wait that long. Don't you see what a wonderful partner you have?

You have to go back to your wife and live together than you can get over the addiction. You need her love to help you get over the fog. Being away from each other, won't help. Being away won't fill that love bank so you will always be in that limbo. Non contact is a courtesy to your BS. It is something you must do before you go back and try to save your love for each. You cannot go back and tell your wife i am here but still keep in contact with OW. Since you no longer initiate contact with OW than why not send another NC letter than change your number so OW can no longer contact you.

You are almost at the end of that miserable road...just take one more tiny step and you will be free again to live happily. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are almost at the end of your road.

Lost Bird,

A wise man once said, when you know you doing something good, just do it and don't think about it b/c evil will sneak in if you delay the good deed. ... when you know you are about to do something bad, contemplate it and delay it as long as you can b/c your inner spirit will convince you to avoid it at the end.

You know what need to be done here ... you have read trueheart's letter, it still bring tears to my eyes everytime I read it. It is every dream of BS to have their WS to come back and repent ... but time is running out. I know I could make my exW happy and even to repair my M again ... but I don't want it. I had made that decision last August'02. I am ready to move on w/o my exW and I am excited and I don't need to work as hard to receive and be showers w/ love.

Don't take that chance w/ your SO. Knowing w/o actions is not only futile but dangerous to your M.

Again you know what need to be done, just do it!

-rh-

Zizzycool:

Thank you for your post. We're in plan B. I admire the patience and devotion my W has and so often have thought that I am certainly not deserving of it.

It has been a very long road and a difficult one.

LB

One year in plan B is a long time to wait.

I cannot imagine waiting that long. To think i am only at the end of my second week! Your wife is definately a superwoman!

You said you want to get out of your current state of paralysis, achieving some clarity in the thought process and turning intentions into concrete actions.

It is very easy. You already know the answer. It is one reason why you have not let go of your wife yet and why you have not initiate contact with OW.

Your wife can help you. Go back to her. She can help you with your withdrawal. She can help you to find that love again. If she tolerated Plan B that long than i am very sure she knows what it is to do to help you. Your part is very easy...NO MORE CONTACT with OW. That is all you have to do. Keep telling yourself everyday 24/7 no contact no contact no contact...no matter how bad you feel...just keep to no contact.

That is all you have to do and your wife will help you with the rest of the way.

Are you in a strict plan B with no contact what so ever?
Has your wife defined specific boundaries in her plan b..
do you know her boundaries.
do you agree with her boundaries.


Do you have children...and are you seeing them?

I no longer initiate any contact with the OW, however, periodically, I receive calls from her.

Do you live near eachother (OW)
and what is the nature of contact...
what does the OW want when she calls?
what do you gain from contact with OW?

achieving some clarity in the thought process

well that's rather an ellusive butterfly to be chasing....because what is the tangible measurement that anyones thought process is within a state of clarity... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Can you identify more concrete gains you desire...
though loath to speak for you I would imagine one thing you may seeking is garuntees.,..

garuntee that if you totally drop the OW it's the "right choice"
garuntee that if you go back to your wife it's going to be the right choice.
garuntee that you if you leave your wife for OW that it is right.
garuntee that if you leave the OW that it is right...

thinking things out is a good thing...thinking out the unknown with no actions is not a good thing....
it only stagnates you...
because it is never ending ..one can sit and ponder each question a million different ways...and play out each scenario over and over this way that way another way etc...

and all it does is make your thought patterns comfortable with this type of thinking...
which then leads to obsessing which then leads to inaction...
and a vicious cycle is born,
becomes known and comforting,
and difficult and scary to change...

Scarlett O'hara played the "I'll think about it tomorrow" card one to many times...and Rhett left her butt in dixie land... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Getting into an A is rather easy. Getting out is a much greater challenge.

It all is what you make of it....

affairs and marriages...don't happen outside of our actions...they are direct results of actions or lack of actions....

turning intentions into concrete actions. Sounds like a tall order, but that's what I'm facing.

Again while that may appear to be a tall order to you...to me...that's the last thing it is...

inaction I would think is much more difficult...
inaction would require more energy, restrain, justifying and rationalizing..sounds exhausting...
atleast action opens up different avenues...and even from our failures we can gain much wisdom and insight....

so what do you gain from doing nothing...because somewhere you do gain something...

you think change is hard...and it is...but living as you are right now today..and then day after day..week after week...month after month..

that's really hard..and lonely...

ARK

Ark:
Thank you for your response. An earlier attempt to respond to your message apparently didn't work, so here goes again. To answer your questions and give you more information.....

Are you in a strict plan B with no contact what so ever? I have seen the OW once in several months, but do receive sporatic calls during the day -- no set pattern or frequency to the calls.
Has your wife defined specific boundaries in her plan b. -- yes and I know the boundaries and agree with them


Do you have children...and are you seeing them? We have no children by our marriage. My wife has a son by a previous marriage.

Do you live near each other (OW) -- OW lives about 2 1/2 hours away, driving distance. The contact is limited by periodic phone calls that OW initiates. The calls are typically very short, because of my actions in keeping them quite brief and the nature of the calls fall into the category of seeing how I am doing.

what do you gain from contact with OW? -- honestly, the calls create some frustration and mixed feelings. While at times it may seem nice to hear her voice, the calls are frustrating and usually leave me angry.

TO SUMMARIZE THE GUARANTEES YOU MENTIONED, yes, I think it is a goal to drop the OW and return to my wife, knowing I have made the the correct choice

Your statement about thinking about a certain topics continuously fits me perfectly. I am guilty of over-thinking topics to death. And yes, it does create a vicious cycle.

You Wrote... so what do you gain from doing nothing...because somewhere you do gain something...
By this do you refer to the premise that any action, even no action, is action?


And yes, existing in this state of uncertainty is difficult -- physically, mentally and emotionally.

LB

By this do you refer to the premise that any action, even no action, is action?

Yes I do...clear as mud HUH?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

But ofcourse it is...

actions are what really define who we are to others....

we can give all the lips service we want to give to say, something like honesty...but if our actions are dishonest...no body hears our words about honesty..they only see our actions....


based on the contact with the OW..if it has you say limited and void of much positive feelings for you....

you are going to have to dig deeper and figure out what you gain from the contact...AND what she gains from the contact..

Is she hoping full blown contact resumes?
Is YOUR continued interactions with her fair to her....because perhaps while you fear no contact as being cruel and cold..it may be this limping along is just as creul....

Is she holding on to hope that you two make it..
and are you dangling hope to her for what reason??

Do you believe you can end this?
Do you believe that you and she can move on away from this and never speak to eachother again in this lifetime....

I am living apart from my spouse, partly I suspect as some form of self-imposed punishment for my actions

Do you maintain contact with the OW because with her you find little to no judgement about the actions one takes against the spouse to enact an affair?

Are you so afraid to face the responsbility of what your actions said about you that you cling to some type of contact with the OW...
becasue atleast it is human contact which we all crave and desire...and some is better than none...

I am less concerned with the reconcilliation of your marriage as I am this wallowing in inaction with such obsessing thought processes of what if's...

Could you end contact this week kindly with the OW>..and then stick to it..
change your phone numbers etc..
can you do that?.....

the biggest what if question to answer here is what if you don't...then you will still be in the same spot tomorrow, next week next month...year year after year...???

I think you have got to start somewhere...and that is as good as any,...

what do you think???

ark

do you have any contact with your wife or are you and she in strict no contact...

Ark:
Thank you again for a thought provoking post. I sincerely appreciate your time and contributions here.

Why do I or the OW get out of these periodic calls? I can only assume that the OW would prefer more contact although there has been no direct mention of such. I suspect that the calls may be emotional probes to see if care to renew the relationship.

What do I receive from the calls? That's a point I still ponder. I don't initiate the calls and am more diligent about checking caller ID now -- refusing to answer calls that appear as "unknown," "private" or from a number that I do not recognize. Just the same, your advice taken and I am digging deeper.

You wrote...
Are you so afraid to face the responsbility of what your actions said about you that you cling to some type of contact with the OW...
I don't think I cling to the contact, given the circumstance, but perhaps afraid to face the responsibility of actions.

As you said so well, I too am concerned about my lack of action. The deeper meaning of this position of "status quo" is troubling. Does it mean I am unsure of what I want or afraid to pursue it? Just thinking "out loud" here.

I changed my cell phone number earlier this year and only members of family and co-workers know the new number. She reaches me now by calling my office as my office calls as forwarded to my cell phone. Unfortunately, changing my office phone number is not an option. Therefore I remain more diligent in checking caller ID.

You asked what if I didn't do anything and where would I be in a week, month or year. Understandably, my W is near the end of her rope. You are right. I need to start somewhere and sometime. And do it IN TIME.

LB

Lostbird,

If you find your answer, please post it in here so i can print it and give it to my lost WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What are you afraid about going back to your wife and save the marriage?

You said in your first posting, you are doing a sort of self imposed punishment...what do you mean by that and why are you doing that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

LB-

I have to challenge you here at this time.

Let's examine your life right this minute. OW calls you periodically and you say it leaves you feeling frustrated and angry.

You say that you otherwise have NC with her.

At the same time, you have a wife that you've made a lifetime comittment to. You have NC with her as well.

So if I'm seeing this correctly, you are allowing the Plan-b to continue with your W because a few little phone calls are too hard to let go of? Yes, I'm putting this is simple terms because it REALLY is that simple.

The plain fact is that this woman strokes your ego. She's a person that used to make you feel young and light and free. Those feelings you have now when she calls you...they stem from guilt.

I can't tell you how much the loss of your spouse will feel because it is too painfull to put into words. The fact is, you have a woman that has gone through hell and back to put up with your bad choices.

I had somoeone like that too. Sure, he had his issues, and I had mine...but he was WILLING to fight for what he believed in...our Relationship. Instead, I stayed stuck in my pain and pride. I lived in my fantasy world a little too long.

When I decided to come home and work on it, it was too late. Unlike your W, he didn't wait 18 months. He waited 6 and then found someone else. Now, the onnly time I see him or talk with him is through our lawyer during the custody hearings and house settlement.

Is a few phone calls a day worth watching your Wife start a life with someone else? I know, deep in your heart you believe that she could never find someomne else. You feel that her flaws and desperation will always keep her bound to you so you don't have to change...

Guess what...she's been working on herself for 18 months. She's proven to herself that she can go on without you. She's discovered who she is and you'll be damned lucky that she's willing to open herself up to so much pain by allowing you to come back.

Wake up now...Your life is calling you.