I am new to the forum...D Day was 11/30/03...been trying to rebuild but he keeps going back to OW...We've been married 25 years and have 3 kids. Two nights ago after an almost silent two days he told me he was moving out...we told the kids, he packed some things and left. He seemed disappointed that I didn't get emotional, and said he already thought he was making a mistake. The next morning he called and asked to meet me. He was just supposed to be coming over to pick up the rest of his clothes. He said he made a horrible mistake, and he realizes he totally needs to be back home with me, and not living with the OW. My response was that he needs to take more time because he can't continue this rollercoaster. He's now dragged the kids into the situation. Before at least the rollercoaster ride was just ours, but now they are hurt an confused by the breakup and I don't want to have him move back in and then leave all over again. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this. I miss him terribly and find myself crying constantly, but trying to stay strong to protect the kids from any more confusion. What are the signs that he truly is ready to come back and rebuild? I have no idea what to look for anymore...

D Day 11/30/2003
Separated 2 days
WH 48
Me 47
Married 25 years, 3 kids 16, 18, & 23
P & EAffair going on about 1 year

Dear hopeful,

I do not profess to be a brain but it seem to me that He has not been out long enough to realize his mistake.

You are correct in thinking that he needs to be sure before he comes home, not just for your sake but for the sake of your children also. Read plan A and try it out for a couple of weeks.

I know that it may sound like a long time and I feel and understand your pain however, you must be sure that he has time to see the consequences of his actions. He will need to see how it effects you and the children othewise he has not had a lesson to learn from.

Stick it out - you must trust yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Ask him to write NC letter to OW. Then you will see more clearly how serious he is.

He is still at the OW house as I write this. He already sent her a NC letter and then didn't stick to it. Can you write a 2nd NC letter and have it be effective? He is in such a fog right now and when he called me today I told him I really didn't feel okay talking to him while he was staying with her...he asked if I would talk to him if he moved to a hotel...told him I really couldn't talk or answer him right now. (He had come by to pick up a few more things he needed for work, and I had left the house because seeing him right now is just too hard for me).

I agree with the other posters, read about Plan A and Plan B.

If you are confident you have been fulfilling his most important EN's (Plan A) already? Then it may be time to switch to Plan B.

I wholeheartedly agree, ask for NC with OW, perhaps M counseling too?

You sound like a smart lady.

We'd been reading SAA together before this week, and going to M counseling...he went, I went, and we went together...counselor has been great and calling daily to see how I'm doing...I can hardly meet any of his EN right now because he isn't living here and said he wanted to be with the OW and see what happened...I know this sounds crazy but I feel almost like I'm cheating now if I keep in touch with him...

hopeful -

Join the club. My H has been living with OW since Sept. He still denies it though. I am in Plan B, which is a big relief.

If you have done a good Plan A, might be time for Plan B. Write a Plan B letter. It is a waste of time going to MC if he is living with OW.

Just an update...it's been a week of hell. Yesterday we resumed contact by e-mail. He's still living with OW, and I couldn't even talk when he called or came over to get things or pick up the kids...I just cried all the time. We're keeping the e-mails pretty light so far...just trying to let him know I still care and am willing to work it out. I frequently feel like I just can't do this another day.

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

Thanks so much for the suggestions...they also just confirm what my C said last night...WH was e-mailing me every 20 minutes the other day just trying to keep in touch, then withdrew the next day and seemed cold. She suggested I just send him a list of concrete things I feel...such as I love you, I want you home, I know we can work, etc., and then tell him that as long as he's living with the OW this is just to painful a situation, and with the exception of the kids and some minor business matters (we worked together in our own business) we really can't talk to each other any more...She suggested I tell him face to face if he will agree to meet, and also put it in writing...Sound about right?

I tried Plan A which you are probably in now. You hurt so bad because he keeps going back to OW. Each and everytime he does this, you will hurt more and more. I bet you cannot imagine how someone who you married and love so much could do this to you??? Huh? Well...he is and he can.

BUT he cannot hurt you in Plan B. The only hurt you will get in plan b is loneliness and that strong missing feeling but NO HURT. NO stabbing pain in the heart that cuts inside you and you feel like pulling all your hair out!!! Nope...nada...in plan B...it is just a dull sort of pain and it is more tolerable that the other one in Plan A.

Met with him this morning and did just what I planned...told him that I loved him, wanted him home, was willing to put the past behind us and put us back together and even gave him a list of all the positive things I felt...Then I told him I couldn't discuss "us" anymore as long as he is living with the OW. He says sometimes he thinks that relationship can work, and other times he wants to come home...told him I thought he had just "moved into" the affair...Friends, family and even his kids don't know where he's living and his friends and family except his sister think he's still at home here and don't know about the affair. Told him that much secrecy is not a relationship in the real sense...just a live-in affair. He said it makes a lot of sense, but we all know that can change in a day. I still have unfinished business...I worked in his business for the last 9 years with him, and we still will have contact regarding the kids, but I told him no talk of us or how I feel because it hurts too badly knowing where he's living...Let him know that if he moved out on his own I would consider resuming conversations.

Consider exposing the A also. Tell your family and his family and friends as it comes up. Don't try to hide the A or keep it secret. A's thrive on secrecy, and aren't as much fun for the participant when the "closet door" is opened and they're exposed to light.

Okay...one day later after telling him I couldn't talk about the relationship any longer as long as he's living there with the OW, and I get an e-mail this morning saying he's glad I gave him a list of how I feel...he wants to come home, but needs time to get his "head right" so there'll be no more flip-flopping back and forth...I am not responding to the e-mail, but I'm just so frustrated with the constand push and pull...