Hi all-

Deep thoughts today...

I've reached a new place and I'm feeling kind of strange.

I am at a point where I'm feeling like I'm completely done with therapy, introspection, guilt, accountabilty..etc. I feel as if this whole thing needs to be put to rest so I can move forward. I'm just tired of this slump that I've been in and I can't seem to rise above the tide.

The things that I'm starting to think about now is how do you get started again? I feel as if my life has come full circle and everything that I was working for and struggling to have were not what was inteneded for me. I've had three job offers now, and every one has fallen through at the last moment. Just when I start to believe that maybe there is a career in my chosen field, I'm repeatedly blocked from forward progress.

For the last year, I have to admit that I've been in hiding. I've been so busy trying to make amends that I let go of everything else. Suddenly, I have this feeling as if Spring has come to this soul that was frozen by the cold of winter. There are so many things that I want to do, but I don't know how to put a finger on them.

For so long, I've forced myself to be content with books and spiritual growth because I didn't feel worthy enough for anything else. I've kept to myself in hopes that x would have this great awakening that he still loves me and wants to try. Then I get to letting go and although I still think of him every day, I realize that those are only memories and that my life choices have altered that course forever.

Where do you make friends when you've shut yourself off to the world out of shame? How do you build a social network when you've been a wallflower for your whole life and no longer feel that you want to be that way?

What happened to my confidence? It seems like my drive and passion left me years ago and I don't know how to get it back. So now, I sit and wonder if all of that came to me because of x. It seems as if he gave me the energy and spirit that seems to have died with the relationship. I'm explaining this badly.

What I think I'm trying to convey is that when you're where you're supposed to be, everything comes instinctually. There seems to be a harmony in life that you just take for granted. I miss that harmony. I'm fearful that I will never get it back. I feel like all of the negative events that keep happening are directly in relation to the breakup. I know that it's illogical, but deep inside that I felt that restoring the relationship would bring me back to that naturalness of life. I know that this isn't really truebut when your confidence is shaken, it's easy to give someone else the ownership of all the positive that you are responsible for.

Why can't I simply get there on my own? I realize that I'm on the verge of another breakthrough by what I'm feeling and thinking but it sucks to feel so lost and directionless. Once I leran the lesson that this situation is offering this block will pass...the problem is that it hurts and it's scary too feel so lost.

kily:

"Why can't I simply get there on my own?"

Because you keep telling yourself this. you CAN get there on your own. You always could. You are the only one that ever could do this for you.

Also, I think you already know all this, but it's one thing 2 know a thing intellec2ally and another 2 practice it in our own lives.

Rebuilding a relationship is always a worthwhile thing 2 want 2 do. But you need 2 do that from within YOU, not by relying on the support of others for your personal spiri2al survival. When you can do that for yourself, and view yourself as an emotionally whole, fully capable individual, then relationships will be more real.

"Where do you make friends when you've shut yourself off to the world out of shame?"

Similar answer: Don't shut yourself out. You've grown 2 much 2 be able 2 justify this "shame" you feel 2 any of us!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

best,
-ol' 2long

I may have read your post wrong, so bare with me if that's the case, k? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First off... how are you doing in the area of depression? Are you on any meds? If not, talk to your doctor. If so, then maybe you need a change?

I also understand that this may not be a long term depression issue either... it could be situational (like mine), and you could simply be triggerred right now b/c of the time of year. Winter is long... but the days ARE getting longer now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Spring IS just around the corner!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Once I was finally in my home, and out of the women's shelter with my sons, it took me a LONG time (it felt like forever) to get my self esteem built back up again. There are various things that I did over the last year that have helped me... I'll list them for you in case there's something that might work for you too (use them as stepping stones perhaps?)...
- I joined a new church (although I admit, I hardly ever attend... but at least I know I have that other "family" to go to at any time).
- I spent more time outside once the weather got warmer. Having little kids helps a LOT... and it was great just being out. It also allowed me to meet my neighbours... and now I can honestly say I have some good friends in my townhouse complex.
- I joined OS's "Home and School Association". Meetings are once a month, but it gets me out of the house for a few hours, and mingling with other parents (usually mums... LOL).
- I joined OS's "School Council" too... that was just last week. Guess who's the new secretary? LOL.
- (MB 2x4's could be coming here, but...) I put an ad online on a dating site, and really enjoyed chatting it up with men, and being told how good looking I am, etc. I went in with my eyes wide open... and intended to go on a few dates (which I did)... but that's it. It really helped to build up my esteem by getting some compliments from outside sources first. I"m not sure why that is though? Hmmm... oh well! It was/is fun! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
- I did a lot of organizing around my house.. putting things in proper places, etc. When my home is organized, I feel it is a reflection of my inner self.
- I continued going to counselling for a few months too. I stopped once I found myself only griping about the ex. LOL. I decided to use that money towards other things for ME instead.. and use my other resources for venting (e.g. MB. hehehe).
- Crafts... I took up painting small ceramic ornaments and wooden knick-knacks too. Those were my xmas gifts to others too.
- exercising... I bought a stationary bike from Walmart, and try to use it when I'm feeling angry... b/c I need to get that energy out of my system somehow... it may as well be in a productive way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Any ideas so far? I'm not sure if this is of any help. Is this the kind of input you're looking for?

Karen

Kily,

Just two things...

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One step at a time...Rome wasnt built in a day...build on yesterday...etc</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Look Hope4Future, I can be non-verbose!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Seriously, Kily...you are ready now to move on with your life. Pray...and then step forward. God will lead you. Be as Peter did on the water...look in his eyes, and step out. Of course, then dont do what Peter did and look down. Just focus on Him and keep stepping forward.

In His arms.

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

The things that I'm starting to think about now is how do you get started again?

You follow the promptings that God puts in your heart. Often we wonder, so you pray about the feelings you have to get confirmatoin. Once you have the direction, you make the plans to carry through with it, and they you do what it takes from day to day to meet your goals.

It IS HARD - it is. That is one of the plain facts of life.

The things that I'm starting to think about now is how do you get started again? I feel as if my life has come full circle and everything that I was working for and struggling to have were not what was inteneded for me. I've had three job offers now, and every one has fallen through at the last moment. Just when I start to believe that maybe there is a career in my chosen field, I'm repeatedly blocked from forward progress.

Sometimes it is just that we live "real life."
Part of our learning and growth is just living from day to day. We learn how thins are, and we are better able to help our children. Your family life failed to teach you some of these things, but you will be able to pass what you know on to your sons - it is a blessing of sorts, but it doesn't feel like one while we are living it. Sometimes we pray for ability, and it comes to us by overcoming obstacles. You know what I mean - but how do you know? Meaning you still wonder just what you are supposed to get from this.

There are so many things that I want to do, but I don't know how to put a finger on them.

This part is good. Some want to hide away, and are afraid. You have the other side of that problem, how to get to all the things you want to do. It is a much better place to be in.

For so long, I've forced myself to be content with books and spiritual growth because I didn't feel worthy enough for anything else. I've kept to myself in hopes that x would have this great awakening that he still loves me and wants to try. Then I get to letting go and although I still think of him every day, I realize that those are only memories and that my life choices have altered that course forever.

Books and spiritial growth are only prepration for what we DO. All the time Christ spend with his Apostles was to prepare them for the WORK THEY NEEDED TO DO. Oh, a little of it was for their personal growth and to help them personally, but it was mostly preparation for their future labors. He has been bringing you back to your correct path, helping you get your feet under you , and now that you are functioning again, and nearly whole, you feel restless.

Where do you make friends when you've shut yourself off to the world out of shame? How do you build a social network when you've been a wallflower for your whole life and no longer feel that you want to be that way?

Perhaps I can turn to the scriptures for this one. I think you will understand.
Matt 16: 24, 25.
Luke 9:25

It may be good to look for a place to serve, and see what kind of blessings you get from it. It need not be a big thing. It doesn't have to consume lots of time.

If you read the references and wonder it brings bad feelings, then I failed to choose the right quotes. My intent is to uplift and give direction. Think of this in terms of looking out ward, and helping others.

I wanted to do more, but I have to go - not sure when I can get back.

Sometimes things are not easy, even when we ARE pointed in the right direction. We do have oppisition in life, and I would guess that right now, you are being bombarded with bad fealings and fearful thoughts to keep you from progressing. You will progress in spite of this - or at least that is my belief.

In parting -
Isaian 43:2
Remember the promises of God are sure - look to him for guidence and believe you will get it. It will always come.

SS

<small>[ February 22, 2004, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Just a thought---

If you are feeling self-conscious.....needing a shot of confidence?

Find whichever 12-step group whose focus you can identify with, be it Alanon, Emotions Anon, Overeaters, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Narcotics, etc...there's only about a bazillion of 'em....

and go to an open meeting or two....if that group doesn't tickle your fancy, try another focus or group....you'll know when you get to the right bunch of misfits you're supposed to fit with.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

A good, non-judgemental place to exercise and strengthen those worldly bones to be more comfortable carrying all of your hard-earned spiritual muscle! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As they say....You can't keep it unless you give it away... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

It's definitely one of the few places or times in my life that I've felt that "harmony" of which you speak...remembering that feeling led to the thought of suggesting this idea....

BTW-remembering that feeling has made me smile idiotically at my monitor. Thank you!! Only God knew how much I needed that today!! Bless You!!

Just little ole me again...

2long- as usual, you do seem to know me well. I know I can do it...I know I'm supposed to do it on my own. For me, the problem has been that I was never given the foundation that I needed to be able to do it. Now, I'm struggling with starting. SS seemed to nail it really well. I'll get there in a bit.

karen-
Excellent. Exactly what I was looking for.

yes, I have suffered from deprerssion most of my life. There were times when the pits and valleys were so deep, I never thought I would climb out. Then I'd have "manic" days where the highs were so high, I thought I was untouchable.

Fortunately, I healed. I stopped compartmentalizing and became as much an integrated individual as I couuld possibly be.

I still have the swings, but thankfully they are normal swings. I have the tools I need to get me out, and when I find myslef stuck, I usually come here and post. It helps to simply see what the stryuggle is on paper and then to get feedback from others.


MM-
You're right. I'm ready. I have had so much growth internally that I am amazed. On Saturday, I had a very "moving" moment during mass. I was in church and the reverend was talking about Christ's sermon on the mount. During his homily, I became "one" with him. It was as if the entire church disapperead and it was just me there, kneeling humbly, receiving the lesson that was meant specifically for me...definately BIG healing there.

SS-

I am so grateful for you. Thank you.
After much discussions witht my ic, I've come to see that you are correct. What I reralized is that my spiritual lessons are certainly there, and the messages are comoming clearly. There is a part that is missing and that is what has been prompting this restlessness that I'm feeling. That peice that is missing is service.

What I've decided to do is to volunteer some of my time at the local hospice. It is there, every day, where people are facing the ultimate fear by facing their mortality. I have to believe that by spending time, caring for these people in any little humble way that I can, I'm sure to find that passion and companionship that I'm looking for. I want to give and to help other's. I don't need trainginb or rschooling to do this. I simply need to show up with a book and a smile.

Helen-
Glad to be able to offer some sun on a not so sunny day. I've done CODA and have actually attended an AA meeting purely by accident. Imagine MY shock when sosmeone stood up and said "hi my name is ....and I'm man alchoholic!" Here I am thinking it;s a CODA meeting. The funny thing is, there issues WERE the sasme as mine. The end to the means was the only difference. In the end, WE all used some mediuim (Alchohol, relationships) as a way to escape our emptiness and pain.

I know what you're saying about the community of people that "get it" and share a common goal with you. I think that my calling right now is to aid others. thanks.

Hi all-

I looked at the hospice website last night. It turns out that they are looking for volunteers to train in a program for greif counseling.

Still Seeking, why do I feel that this is EXACTLY what I'm supposed to be doing?

Free training, counseling others
with the eventual journey through death.

I feel as if the culmination of all of my sstuff has led me here. What a wonderful way to contribute to the world and expand my own spiritual journey.

Thoughts?