I received a voicemail from OM last night and this is what it said:
"I know I'm out of your life now. I was just watching the t.v. tonight and saw a movie with Kim Bassinger in it and I haven't been able to stop thinking of you. I'm sorry if this call disturbs you, I mean no disrespect and I'm sorry. I'm not stalking you or trying to harrass you, I'm just having a really bad time."

Please help me because I want to call back and leave a message so bad. I don't even know what I want to say, I just want to contact him. Please tell me all the bad reasons for not doing it and please help me find strength!! I know in my mind that I don't want to be with him, but it's hard to tell my heart this. (by the way, my H is aware of the voicemail).

It's just a really bad day and I am taking it a second at a time because one second I can convince myself not to call him and the next second I find myself picking up the phone. HELP!

First of all, take a few deep breaths to clear your mind so you can think rationally.

(Pause)

OK. Now get a sense of the anguish you were experiencing when you posted.

(Pause)

Now multiply that anguish by 1000, because that's how you and your husband will feel if you call the OM back. This guy is not doing you any favors - what he has done with his voicemail is a classic attempt to manipulate you. Just like most other guys do in his position. Not very creative - pretty low, really.

Ignore him. Turn to your husband for comfort instead of someone who will ruin your life. Don't act in a way that will confirm your screen name.

I pray you'll find some peace today - in the arms of your husband.

I've written to you before and didn't receive a response from you. So I have no idea if anything I've said to you has had any impact at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You should not call back because:

It will make you feel better for only a moment, and afterwards you'll feel like a slut, a loser and a bad wife.

He is playing you like a fool. He says things he thinks you want to hear to reel you back into his web.

You are here, at MB, because you want to work on your marriage. Calling him back DOES NOT work on your marriage.

Which voice mail did he leave this message on? If it was home or cell, you need to change your number(s). The only way I'd respond to this man is through your husband. He could call him back and tell the guy to leave his wife alone. That usually works pretty well.

Don't forget, I do understand, and was exactly where you are at one time. As I said before, you will look back and this, even if your marriage does not survive (and I hope it DOES), and you will wonder what you were thinking. You really will!!!!!!!!

Shattered-
Thank you for replying. I want to find comfort in my H arms, believe me, I pray for it every night. The thing that I think of the most (that seems to help me the most when I'm having withdrawal) is the times during the A when I would tell my H that I was going to spend the night at a friends house and I remember pulling out of the garage and he would be standing at the door, waving to me and telling me that he loved me and to be safe. I remember how I felt, I remember the sick feeling I would get and now when I think back on that I feel so horrible and guilty.
The hard thing is that in spite of this and in spite of feeling guilty and knowing I hurt and betrayed my H, I don't know why I still react this way to OM. I love my H, I am so sorry for what I've done to him and to our M, but in spite of that I can't stop myself from feeling this way when I hear of or from OM.
I've made a commitment to my H to make our M work and to try to get back what we've lost, so why can't I move on? Why can't I stop being affected this way? Some days aren't bad, I 'll just have the occassional thoughts of OM. But, somedays are horrible and I have to fight so hard to not contact him. I keep telling myself not to contact him because this way I will get to know that I'm the one who walked away, I'm the one who ended the A- not OM. I also don't want to contact him because I know that I won't feel any better after doing so- I'll feel worse. So, if it's so rationalized in my mind, why can't I do the same in my heart?????
I'm sitting here crying and I think to myself, how pathetic am I? I'm a 28 year old who's acting like a 5 year old. It's very hard for me to not know what's going on in the OM's life and to not know what he's up to, etc. Especially after knowing this so intimately the last 2 years.
I just don't want to call him, I'm so scared I'll call him. I don't want to, I want to be strong, I want to be strong, I want to be strong............

Newbeginning-
We must have been posting at the same time. I'm sorry if I didn't respond to your post before, I'm not sure which post you're referring to. Please know that I didn't intentionally not respond to your post, I must have missed it. Anything you have to say will be of great help to me because right now, I'm very lost! You're right when you say that afterwards (if I called him back) I will feel like a slut, whore, etc.
He left it on my cell phone voicemail. I have cut all communication with him (pager, email, phone calls, etc) except I haven't changed my cell phone #. Thing is, I never have my cell phone on and I rarely check my voice mail anymore, but for some reason I did last night and his message was there. I know I need to change it, I will. I guess it's hard because that was the last little piece of the A that I had left.

Be strong coz you are strong.

When i read you posting...i can actually feel what your husband will feel if you did reply to OM voicemail.

It feels like a pain going through your heart. The feeling of total dismay and disappointment.

You give us BS here hope. Show us there is hope.

Be STRONG! Don't do it. Trust me you will regret it. Think of the hurt it would cause your H. Let him go. If you call, you can never take it back. DON'T DO IT!

You'll be okay, you just need time.

Whoa...first, calm down and take a deep breath...this isn't an emergency and xom isn't going to perish if he doesn't hear from you...sounds like he was just having a weak moment and gave into it...not surprising...these guys are usually rather weak themselves....

second..i thought you changed your phone number so he couldn't do this exact thing to you??...so you see now how important it is to cut off ALL means of him contacting you???....seems you haven't,,,so my advice is do it NOW..take away the temptations..you're just torturing yourself if you don't....and you are reacting to hearing from him because you are still addicted...like an alcoholic will crave a drink when he/she sees someone else having one..it's just an addiction hun, nothing that you can't beat....

i'm glad your H knows about the voice mail..that alone should keep your fingers off of that phone...here is a perfect opportunity for you to prove to your H that you are really, truly trying to save your marriage..if you respond to the OM, you may as well stab your H in the heart, coz i guarantee you that he will lose just a little more love and respect for you if he knows...

Fight it girl...just let it go...be strong..!

Zizzycool and Nid-
Thank you for your words. I want to let him go. I want to get past this nightmare I'm living. I keep imagining my H's face as I would leave to go to OM's house, that's what's keeping me from contacting OM.
During the A, I was always the one that was the first to say I'm sorry or the first to contact OM if we had a fight/argument. So, after his voicemail, it's so foreign to me not to reach out to him and to ignore him.
I keep listening to his message over and over again in my mind and I find myself analyzing it. I read into every word he spoke and the tone in which he spoke it in. He sounded teary and sad during the message but I don't know if this was just his way of manipulating me or what. Then I hear him saying that he knows he's out of my life now and I wonder if he's accepting that or if he thinks about me still, etc. I wonder if he's back with his W trying to make it work or what he's up to. How do I get these things out of my mind?
I'm sitting here looking like a crack addict, biting my nails and pacing the floor, looking at the phone and then walking away. I'm going crazy here and I KNOW that I don't want to pick up the phone, but I'm scared that I'll have a weak moment and will somehow convince myself that it won't hurt to leave him a little message in return. I hate this, I hate the power he still has over me.
I wish I could talk to H but he's unavailable at work right now so I'm doing this alone (except for the tremendous help of you guys).

sg:

First, let me suggest a name change? You are NOT s2pid, by any stretch of the imagination, okay? You are human. A lot of us are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm the BS. My W's A was on and off for far longer than yours. It's been over 2 years since D-day for me, and she's still having a hard time letting go. But she's doing it, and you can, 2. The first part will be the hardest, but it will get better over time.

Remember 2 cherish the things that you and your H are doing 2 recover NOW. Try not 2 dwell on past mistakes 2 much, or worry 2 much about the fu2re. It's NOW that's most important.

And, back 2 the screen name thing: The reason I don't think it's a good idea for people 2 create login names that are demeaning 2 themselves is that they tend 2 hang on as a sort of "negative label" even in good times. You need as little of that as you can get right now.

You are a GOOD person, a smart person, and your coming here shows that you want 2 change your life and your M in positive ways. That's hard, though it is rewarding.

Best,
-ol' 2long

Dreamcatcher- The voicemail was the only thing I hadn't changed yet and I know now (because of how I'm reacting to this) that I have to do it and I'm actually working on that right now.
I am trying to show my H that I'm being strong. I know it'll kill him if he finds out that I have contacted OM. I guess this reaction of mine is just another part of the "fog".
I wish I could talk to my H but unfortunately he's unavailable to talk at work right now (I have the day off and am at home today).
I know OM won't perish if he doesn't get a response from me but see, that's what's so hard. I have always been the courteous one and never intentionally ignored someone (even OM when we were in the midst of a fight). I know his message was stupid- but why did he send it? Why now? In a sick sort of way, I was kind of "happy" when I initially heard it because it let me know that he did still think of me. Isn't that sick? I'm disgusted by it and wish I could just let it go and not give a sh*t who or what he's thinking about anymore.
I am truly sorry for any BS's that are reading this and having to encounter how pathetic this post is. I'm not a weak person, but for some reason this has brought me way down.

SG, please listen what everyone is telling you. DO NOT RETURN HIS CALL! I do not know how your husband took the news. I am a fairly calmed person and I have been able to handle stress in the past, but nothing like this. If I were in his situation, I would be very upset that the OM called because it shows that he has no respect and lacks integrity. If you call him, you will disrespect your husband.

When I found out about my WW affair, I called the OM twice. I wanted to know why he did it and offered all sort of lame excuses, but in the end said some terrible things about my WW and other females in her family. In particular, he tried to imply he did me a favor by unmasking who I was married to. His message was to not to trust women because all were alike. He does not trust them because he was once cheated by one of his wives and since has only been involved without any commintments. There are other things that he said about my WW, which I have not told her because she would be hurt. I have preferred to live with the pain myself and not cause her any additional suffering. That OM ruined our lives and the marriage we had. It is true that she has personal issues that have to do with her upbringing, and I believe she may be trying to address with her IC. I am not jealous or controlling, never have been and do not plan to become that, but I would be offended seriously if I know that she talks to him. If I were in your husbands place, I would be the one returning the call, not to insult or to be hostile but rather to let that OM know that he has already caused enough damage and his contacting you does not help how you or your H feel. Some people in this forum may say that is a LB, but I think it depends on you whether it would trouble you that your H talked to the OM. We are all different and react different to different situations. If your H is an angry and temperamental man, I would not recommend what I said.

aside from all the other (good) reasons not to call, especially since you want to continue your marriage, there is another consideration.

That being if the om actually was worthy, and it could work with him, he would have respected your decision to remain in the marriage and not called you for such a stupid, and obvious reason. Therefore now you know the truth about him, he is a player, and you were the trophy, dump him permanently from your heart...he does not belong there.

Hey...you have hit it on the head.

First off, you are an addict. If you have read anything on here, and the books and stuff by the Harley's, you would know that what you are feeling is the same feelings that a crack addict has when he misses his fix. And if after awhile, while trying to recover, someone flashes a couple rocks in front of him, what do you think his feelings would be? Anxiousness. Pain. This is all natural.

Yes, you did an incredibly stupid thing. And you are paying for it now. But, that payment only need be what is infront of you. This pain, if you will do the right thing, will only get better. But as was stated above, if you go back, this pain will ONLY get worse.

This guys doesnt care. He is selfish and is addicted to you. He wants his fix. He is trying to manipulate you.

While you are waiting for your husband to call and to comfort you, I have a suggestion. Call Nextel, or whoever is your cell service, and have your number changed IMMEDIATELY. Do something for yourself, and your marriage. Cut the ties completely. Think of other ways that OM can get in touch with you (email, etc), and change those accounts too.

Next, once you spend the next hour making sure this guy cant do this again, then if your husband hasnt called back yet...get into your car and go to his work. Walk right in, ask to see him and wait. When he comes out of his meeting or whateve he is doing, you look him staright in the eye, and tell him he needs to take the rest of the day off. Then take him and the two of you go somewhere. Get a hotel room for the weekend. Go for a walk. Leave your cell and everything behind. Emmerse yourself in your husband.

Everytime you feel that pull toward the OM, you immediately go to your husband and surround yourself with him, like a tight sweater.

Sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you are an addict. That you will need his help. That you love him and want this to work. And you want this pain to go away. And it will take his help. He is going to have to protect you...from yourself.

Also, get a counselor (Steve Harley??). Make sure you can get ahold of the counselor on days when you have an "emergency."

Look, when someone is an addict of something, what is one of the main things they teach that person to have in their life? They are to have someone to which they are accountable. Someone they can call day or night. Someone that will keep them from backsliding. We are there for that. But, you also need flesh and blood. Your husband should be that person. Tell him. Give him the responsibility. And then wrap yourself in that protection.

Each time you feel like this and you go to him, you will begin to feel a little better, and a little stronger. But guess what? So will your husband. He will be the hero. He will see a woman desparately struggling thru an addiction because she wants what? HIM!!!

So, keep posting here and we will help. But right now, you need out of this current situation. Call the cell phone company and close that channel of communication. Then get ahold of your husband and get out of there. Get in his presence (you should NOT be alone right now). This will all pass if you let him take care of you.

In His arms.

SG..believe it or not, i understand completely your 'reasoning' about not ignoring his message to you...i used to feel 'guilty' when i would ignore xmm's messages at first too, just had to keep reminding myself that i owed nothing to him..and i owed everything to my H....everytime you start to thinking you just 'have' to call him back..picture your H's face when he finds out you did...

in the meantime, if you can..get the heck out of the house and away from the phone...leave your cell at home and go do some window shopping (better yet..some 'real' shopping)...go for a walk..a drive...anything but sit there and think about it....please hang in there...you've come to far to go back to the beginning now...

2Long- Thanks for posting. 2 years for your W huh? You said that she's still trying to get over it, would you say that it's just as intense now for her as it was in the beginning? That scares me to hear that 2 years from now I could still be feeling these feelings.
I do try to cherish the things that H and I have now but what's hard about that is that whenever we become intimate (PLEASE, IF YOU'RE A BS DON'T READ ANY FURTHER BECAUSE THE FOLLOWING MAY BE HURTFUL:::: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have a really hard time become aroused so to speak. I still imagine OM and how it was with him (not that I fantasize about being with OM while I'm with H, it's more that I miss OM terribly while I'm with H and it's almost like it feels wrong or different with H). I try to concentrate on the moment and clear my mind but it just doesn't do anything for me when H touches me and I know he can tell this because obviously I'm not responding to his touch (i.e: lubrication). Does this get better? Will there come a time when I will forget how it was with OM and enjoy being with my H again? I get so nervous right before we make love because I want so much to enjoy it but I'm so scared of how it makes me think of OM.
I hate him, I hate him, I just hate him for this and for how he still has control over me. I want him to be miserable and I want his life to be ruined and I want him to have to suffer like I'm suffering.
Please tell me, does it get better? Will there come a time when I will desire my H again?

I didn't mean to have the smiley face in my last post, I think that the post saw a <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> together and it assumed I wanted a smiley face, so I'm sorry that it is there, I didn't mean for it to be, It's certainly not the place for a smiley.......

Hey SG,

Recovering from an addiction is h*ll, but if you can tough it out and get through these withdrawal feelings, the pain will ease up, slowly but surely ("slowly" being the operative word, here).

If your H absolutely can't take the day off work to be with you, could you distract yourself some other way?

Get away from the phone, leave your cell phone at home, don't take any quarters or phone cards with you, and go to a movie or something? I know it's hard to be in public when you feel awful, but a dark theater is kind of private, in a way.

Other than that, do you have any women friends who know what's going on and would be supportive (and nonjudgmental) of you right now?

Or, could you work out your frustration with housework? Scrub the $#%^& out of the bathtub!

If you contacted OM, what would your H do? What if it would be the last straw, and your H decided to give up on the M? Would talking to OM for a few minutes be worth losing your H?

Not contacting OM is not about being impolite or appearing not to care about his feelings. It's about not betraying your H trust again!

I'm another poster who KNOWS that contacting OM will make you feel WAY WORSE. Been there, done that. Hang in there, girl!

Hi,SG. As my sig. line says, I'm a BS and a WS. I'm putting on my old tattered WS hat (10 years old) for a moment here:

Making a right decision isn't always easy at the time, but it will do WONDERS for your battered self-esteem. Consistently making the right choice (TOTAL NC) gets easier and easier.

You're in the habit of responding to and reacting to OM. You need to re-train yourself and your habits. The Bible tells us we should take every thought captive that is against the knowledge of Christ. That certainly would include thoughts about the OM. That takes practice, not to mention self-control. You CAN do it, if you CHOOSE to do it.

When thoughts of OM come to your mind, you MUST deal with them immediately. Right now you're pacing and staring at the phone because you're allowing yourself to dwell on OM. Bad. When you think of OM, IMMEDIATELY say (out loud, if possible) "NO! I love and respect [husband's name]; I love and respect myself." You may have to say it a hundred times a day.

Then call your H, or sit down and write him a love letter, or go out and buy him a sweet card...or call a female friend to chat about nothing.

You MUST be pro-active. Recovery takes ACTION! It's not really so much about feelings; it's about making good decisions. You have to replace old bad habits with new good habits. That takes time.

You CAN heal, SG. You're not a bad person, you made bad choices. Start over as of this minute. Real recovery starts with a good decision...it's a journey. Love yourself, for a change.

Lori

P.S. I agree with 2long...your screen name isn't a moniker you should tie yourself to. Besides, if you're stupid, then I guess I'm a total moron <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

SG,

We were just posting at the same time. In regard to your question about SF. Tell your H you're nervous, and use some KY jelly or something.

Sometime when you're not having sex, maybe you could sit down and talk to your H. Ask him if he's thinking about OM during sex. My guess would be that he is. Maybe the two of you could help each other with this. I know it would be difficult.

Are you in IC or MC? A counselor might be able to help you on this subject, and be able to tell you how to discuss it with H.

I know your H doesn't want to know you're thinking about OM during sex, but he might be realizing or fearing that you are anyway.

The affection and return of good SF gets easier as you and your H treat each other better as you get closer while working on your M.

In most (probably all) M's, the way a couple relates to each other in bed will fluctuate over time anyway (due to everyday stress, illness, boredom, etc.), and an A just interrupts the "normal" pattern and adds one more thing to cause trouble.

I don't know if you believe in God, but I just wanted to add that prayer is largely what has gotten me through the roller coaster of the aftermath of my A.