Why me, Sufdb, Mortarman, Dreamcatcher, Rose55, At Peace- Thank you. Your words are encouraging and heaven sent. I called my H's work again and he will be unavailable all afternoon but will be home around 3:00. I called Verizon and changed my cell phone # and now I'm trying to think of somewhere that I can go to get away from this temptation.
Rose, no I have no girlfriends who know about the A, I have noone other than my H to talk to about it. It's snowing here and the roads are pretty bad but you are all correct in that I need to get out of here.
I asked my H if he wanted to contact OM about the message he left me and my H said that at this point no because he doesn't want to give OM the satisfaction. So, he knows it's an option if he wants to do that.
It helps to read the things you have all posted because it gives me different perspectives and it helps me to keep my H's feelings foremost in my mind. You're right when you say that OM's not worthy- he's not and I know he's certainly not worthy of these tears that I'm crying.
Mortarman, I like how you said to go to my H and let him surround me, like a tight sweater. That's how I envision my H, like a comfortable sweater or a big teddy bear because he is so comforting to me. He's such an amazing guy who doesn't deserve to have to go through this because of me. I've told him the analogy of an A being like an addict and I think he understands that. I just feel pathetic and don't want him to see me like this- all weak and falling apart.
And, dreamcatcher, you're right- I don't owe OM anything. I owe my H everything! This "suffering" is for the good of my M and I know that if I can make it through this day that each new day will bring me closer and closer to happiness.
At peace, I have been shouting at the top of my lungs (after reading your post) everytime thoughts of OM come into my mind. I keep shouting that OM is dead to me, he's not worth it and that I love and respect my H and that I will be strong and not contact OM (my cat is looking at me like I've gone off the deep end).
Thank you everyone!

SG,

One more thing - OM can only have control over you if you let him.

sg:

"I have always been the courteous one and never intentionally ignored someone (even OM when we were in the midst of a fight)."

My W told me on the phone last night (she's working out of town for a 2ple of days) that she gave RM $1000 a year ago December because his W threw him out and he was sleeping in his car in the winter cold. This came up in reference 2 our taking a friend of our son's in because his father passed away last summer and his mother lost their home and she's living in a park. My W has always helped people out in need. But in the case of RM, she did him no favors by giving him money 2 put down on an apartment. That's what family is for: Helping out. That's what reality is for: facing consequences of our poor choices, so that we can take steps 2 avoid repeating them. RM didn't learn anything, at least not at the time. My W didn't either, and is probably only just starting 2 realize this.

SG, there are even people here who've felt "responsible" 2 reconnect with the OP because they were dying or some such. Same answer: That's what family is for. I believe that someday my W will realize that "coming 2 RM's rescue" did him and her no favors, but instead prolonged the process of healing. Because, when you really think about it, taking responsibility for your actions - for good and bad choices - is liberating, not frightening. You'll realize your own worth and inner strengths.

"I know his message was stupid- but why did he send it? Why now?"

Because he's selfish. He can't accept you for who you are - he never could. Because if he could have, he would have accepted that you're married and respected that and left you alone. He may even believe he cares about you. But in truth, he only cares about how you made him FEEL.

"2 years for your W huh? You said that she's still trying to get over it, would you say that it's just as intense now for her as it was in the beginning? That scares me to hear that 2 years from now I could still be feeling these feelings."

Most people will tell you that it takes 2-5 years 2 recover from infidelity - both for the BS and the WS. This is a sobering thought, considering most As don't last that long.

Yes, it's been over 2 years now since I found out about my W's A. Last contact, that I'm aware of, was just 2 months ago. Her first fundamental realization that she couldn't remain friends with RM was last August. I could tell that real recovery started about then. It's been slow since then, but I've come 2 accept that. I was warned 2 years ago that, since my W's A was on and off for almost 12 years, that it would take her longer than most 2 get over RM. And it is. Almost daily, I have 2 remind myself that she always chose 2 stay with her family, rather than go 2 RM, and she's continued 2 make that choice, even during the first year after D-day when I was doing a pretty crummy job at plan A.

It still hurts at times, but she and I both have 2 make the conscious decision 2 accept the hurt, because if we don't then we don't communicate enough. And effective and honest communication about how we felt was one of our shortcomings at the start of the A.

-ol' 2long

SG,

A reaction to your last post...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just feel pathetic and don't want him to see me like this- all weak and falling apart.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, if he doesnt get to see it, who does? You are hurting. You are an addict. You have a problem you cannot face alone. Who is it that is supposed to care for you, to help you?

The best thing you CAN do for him and for your marriage is to open up bare to him. Lay it all out there. Place your very life in his hands.

For a man, that is everything. I just got done reading the book "Wild at Heart." When you go out, stop by the bookstore and buy it...and both of you read it). For any woman that wants to understand a man and why he is the way he is, why he does the things he does, and what he wants out of life, this is the book. But, take the whole book down to one concept and it is this...a man wants three things. </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">An adventure to live</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A battle to wage</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And a beauty to fight for</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Interesting thing is that the book then goes on to say that here is what a woman longs for... </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">An adventure to go on with someone</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To be fought for</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And to be THE BEAUTY to someone</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Your husband WANTS to be the hero. And you not only want him to be, you NEED him to be. You may think it isnt fair, and it probably isnt. But your husband isnt worried about fairness. He is in love with you. He wants to, he NEEDS to rescue you. It isnt because you are weak or pathetic. It is because it is the way he is built. And your need to be rescued isnt a sign of weakness. It is a sign of who you are, and what you need.

Too often, we try to put male attributes on women, and vice versa. I saw several years ago an astonishing thing on the cover of Time magazine. "Studies show women and men are different." Huh? Who didnt know that? And I am not just talking about physically. We are two entirely different beings. That is why little boys, if you wont give him a toy gun, will make one out of a little papertowel roll. And that is why little girls will take their dolls, and pretend to be rescued by that handsome prince. And neither of these actions take any prompting by adults. It is how we are made.

Your husband needs to be your man. He wants to be. And you need for him to be. So do not feel aweful about laying your life in his hands.

As I have said before on many other posts, Christians should know that God Himself, the person who invented marriage and ordains it, believes there are different roles here. Nowhere will you find God commanding wives to love their husbands. He tells them to respect them, to submit to them, as the church (Christians) do to Christ. But, husbands are called to, commanded to, love their wives, just as Christ loves us. What kind of love is that? Saciricial love. As my wife used to kid me..."Honey, submitting is easy when I think that you are the one that is to DIE for me!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

It is in his make up. He wants to die for you, he needs to. Not necessarily physically. But he needs to be the hero. You laying your life in his hands, you letting him come thru, will only strengthen his love for you. And guess what? I think you will find that your "lubrication" problem, and your time thinking about the OM, will quickly go away.

You may feel pain and anxious right now. But SG...this is a door. You may not think it is, but you are right at a golden opportunity if you dont blow it. If you will grab your husband and let him be the man...make him be the man...then I believe you will find very shortly, a love between the two of you that you would have never had before the affair.

God works that way. Sure, he didnt want you to cheat. But guess what? Your actions actually have the ability to make the marriage even stronger than it would have been without the affair (I do not recommend infidelity, though, for making marriages better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

Time to let him be who he was made to be. Time for you to be who you were made to be. Let God take care of the rest.

Keep posting. But more importantly...at 3pm today...you let that man take care of you. Remember, at the end of your life, when all your parents, grand parents have died, your kids have moved away, and so have your current friends...the only person that will have been thru it all with you, the only person that will still be with you...is your husband.

In His arms

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

SG, I'm proud of you girl....and you will soon see how freeing it is to know he can't contact you even if he wants to..takes a load off your mind, because even though you tell yourself you aren't hoping/expecting him to call...when there is that slight possiblity of it, it just keeps you in it..you're taking the right steps...and coming here for support when those urges hit you (assuming H isn't available) is the best thing to do..little by little you won't need to be told the 'why's', you'll be living them...

I can also tell that you are a little anxious about how you are responding (or not responding) to your H physically....sweetie, that will come back too..it's just too soon to expect everything to be the way it was before your A..hell, it probably will never be that way again, but it can be better...another poster suggested telling your H that you are nervous and using K-Y, I think that is a wonderful idea..just let him know that it's not him you are not attracted to..it's ok to 'fake it' till you make it for a while, it's important that you don't give up on that...it will come when you have put the OM behind you...in the meantime just let yourself get comfortable with H again...lay your head on his lap when you're sitting around watching tv...give his leg a squeeze when you are driving..hold his hand in the movies...I believe ya gotta take baby steps with the whole 'recovery' process...it's overwhelming to try to do everything at once i know...kicking the om habit, trying to make it up to your H for what you did, trying to get your 'feelings' back sexually, it's A LOT of work, but if you give it time you'll get there....hang in...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I keep listening to his message over and over again in my mind and I find myself analyzing it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DELETE the message! Don't keep listening to it! Don't analyze it because it doesn't matter. What matters is your marriage. Stay strong.

Well, I just got back from my drive and I am definately feeling better. H just called (on his way home) and I gave him a brief recap of the day and we are going to sit down and talk tonight and see if we can figure out what we can do to prevent this in the future (if possible).
Anyways, I want to thank everyone for their posts and I will address each of them individually later but my H will be home any second and I'll also let you know how that goes.
Thank you to all of you who helped me stay strong- I truly believe that you all saved me today.

SG,

Be proud of yourself. You just got hit with a major attack...and you came thru. Yeah we were there to help you...and we will be again. But you need to give yourself some credit...this was no minor thing you did. A HUGE step forward.

Now, go see that husband and let him do for you what I said above. Buy that book, and nboth of you read it. Let him take care of you. One day at a time.

This will not be the last attack. But each one will get easier. Good job!

In His arms.

Congratulations SG, for what ever reason your story is the one story out of all these web sites that I have been lurking in since October 03 that has compelled me to post. My story is different than most wife passed away suddenly from a brain anuryism she was 37. Two kids daughter will be 11 this may, son is turning 6 next week. By the way would love a suggestion for getting or keeping tangles out of daughters very thick auburn hair. I brush it every night before bed and do the hair clip...anyway discovered wifes journal and hidden treasure box this past August. Wow! Not sure what God's purpose was for me to find it now just seems like I could have done without this information and nobody should have to bury a person twice. No one else knows nor will they every, evidence has been destroyed and I will swallow this fast and hard so it goes down deep. It just has to be this way for me at this time. So, back to your story SG. I know you are really trying hard to do NC and also wanting to reconnect with your H. Everyone here has given great advice and support. Just Learning gave by far the most elequant (my spelling is terrible)responses that I have ever read,heard, or seen. It watered my eyes and made me think of the Ken Burns Civil War Documentary a letter written by Sullivan Belew to his wife Sarah on the eve of battle and knowing that he would not live to write another. Do a google search and you should be able to find it. So again , back to your story and what do I have to offer or suggest that might help. I am not sure SG, what I will say is that we need to roll up our sleeves and scrap all this old paint that has been applied to this marriage chest for the past twelve years. The paint was used to hide the true nature of the wood from your spouse, friends, family, and yourself. I know the things I am going to say may not be seen as helpful, but trustme SG there is no one cheering louder for you and H than I am. I have a lot of respect for this board and I will step away if others feel I am doing more harm than good. The passion and desire you feel for the OM is what you want to feel for your H. You blame OM for this hold on you, suggestions are made to give yourself time and use lubrication, or try to focus on the love your H so openly expresses and has always expressed since your relationship begin. SG, it took me awhile after reading and rereading your story before I began to read your real meaning as opposed to the words I was reading. Your H is all about love, he is the gentle touch, soft kiss, the lover who constantly questions if this is ok, are you alright. The lovemaking is emotion of the heart and about reinforcing the love and committment you share. Like a HallMark Card sounds great and it is appreciated its part of the image that SG created hiding her true wants, needs, desires, personality, from her H so as to have the perception from others that she did have this wonderful life and marriage. This is where your struggle is with guilt, not only with the pain you caused you H, but more so you are fighting the image of how all your friends, family and everyone else just sees your H as the perfect H, and since everyone else see's how perfect he is then what is wrong with me! Maybe nothing SG, maybe the love you created for your H was never truely from your heart, but based on that image of everyone agrees he is wonderful and thus I should too. You stated that your H was always saying he loved you, touching you, kissing, doing all these wonderful things to show his appreciation. Well, I suggest that he did these things because he knows and has known since the relationship began that your love was not the emotional love that he had for you. He has feared losing you way before you began an affair. The irony is that the more loving things he does for you lessens your desire for him. You snap your fingers he jumps, More creates Less, and He needs to learn to do Less to get More. The fact is the passion and desire you talk of is totally different than what you and H share and your insecurities will not allowe you to explore this with H and your perception of H keeps you from doing this. You can only see him as soft and wonderful and to try and creat something different now would be just unnatural. So your inhibitions are controlled, true wants pushed back. With the OM its easy, because the relationship was begun with sexual flirtation, dangerous coments with double meanings, you did not need to create a different image of you for the OM. No nice guy conflict with him which allowed you to open up your uninhibited side sexually. With OM its about bringing on the HEAT, tugging on the hair, the feeling of being taken without being asked because he cannot control the desire he has for you. The desire you create in him not because your a woman but because of the essance you exude which makes you the woman he desires. This is the passion you speak of. So, how do we put an edge on your hubby, get him the confidence that he is mad,bad, and dangerous to know. We need to make him more desirable and you less. You need to feel a little insecure about his feelings for you. The love bank might need to be filled with attitude, indifference, and a strong confidence of his which leaves no doubt that he is the one in control and you might be scared but your not afraid which allows you to freely expose and be the woman you are. For you SG its all about your Self Esteem, how you feel others perceive you and its measured in your mind on the outer image they see. Well that needs to be torn down, try for the next 4 weeks going to work with no make-up, shampoo your hair once a week, don't shave, bet OM would stop calling then...Could you do any of that. Think about it, you open yourself up for alot of comments...but you begin at some point to feel good about the person you are from just being you. The same time lets have your H go get a total make over, knew hair style, clothing, make him hot...Then go out with him and watch his confidence grow as women turn their heads for a second glance, just observe his presence. You will still be no make up, bad hair, bad clothes...you want no attention... SG I want you and H to make it, but only if its based on real love. Its almost 5:00 am and I have stayed up way to late kids will be up at 6:00 am wanting cinnamon toast, and hot chocolate so I am going to try and get some rest. I will try not to bother any one or post anymore but your story reached me...Good Luck SG.

SG, sorry you're going thru this.
Just a suggestion (in agreement with everyone else who's posted here)
BLOCK THAT EMAIL!
CHANGE THAT CELL PHONE NUMBER!
And the best one of all: SEND HIM AN EMAIL WITH YOUR HUSBAND WATCHING, GET DOWN AND DIRTY AND TELL HIM IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS TO 'Stay the HELL out of my life and get over it; our relationship is over and it was WRONGO in the first place'
Sincerely, Harold

Hello,

It sounds like you are doing better. Let me throw a bucket of ice on you the next time the thoughts of the OM jumps into your head. Imagine your husband one day saying I have had enough and will separate and look for someone in the future who can truly love and respect him. Imagine you read in the paper in the future that he is getting remarried. How would that make you feel? Maybe you should keep that thought in your mind when you start obsessing about the OM again. It is just a thought and meant to be helpful. I hope it works. I wish you luck.

Hi everyone. First off I just want to thank everyone for all your help and support yesterday. I truly think I may have fallen if I didn't have you guys as my support.
My H got home at 3:00 and I started crying immediately and just ran into his arms. It felt so good to bury myself into him and seek comfort. We talked alot about why I was so affected by his message and I think the hardest thing for me (and the reason his message affected me so much) is because I'm still trying to convince myself that I wasn't used and that OM still thinks about me and still longs for me. I don't know why this is such an important thing for me but it's been the hardest thing for me to overcome so far.
My H was wonderful and he just sat there and listened and he said that he understood how I was feeling and that it did hurt him to hear me say that I still had these feelings where OM was concerned. We talked about ways to help ensure that I stay strong in the future and he told me that the first thing I need to do if I start feeling tempted is to call him (which I already do) and if that's not an option then we need to find someone that would be there as a back up to help talk me out of doing something stupid. So, we talked about telling a mutual friend (female) who we have been close to for many years. I think we are going to do this next week sometime.
I mentioned how helpful it was coming to this website and he was happy that I had this for support as well (he has read my posts and also wants me to thank you for him for your support).
So, I think that we've come up with some ways to help me when I'm feeling down and desperate.

Rose 55- I have asked my H if he thinks about OM during sex and he says that yes he does and it's very hard for him to get those images out of his mind. I have been open with him about the lubrication issue and the fact that I'm having a hard time becoming aroused and having orgasms. We have used KY and such and tried to work around it as best as we can. I know it's a hard issue to talk about, but we have tried to be as open about it as we can be. I'm just scared that it won't come back, that somehow the way it is now is how it'll be from now on.
Yes, I believe in prayer and that helps to a degree but I believe that the further away I can get from this A and these feelings of longing, the more that I'll find comfort in prayer.

2long- I realize what you mean when you say that OM's help must come from his family, not me. I know this in my mind but it's hard to convince my heart of this. It's hard for me to imagine OM going to his W for help because for the past 2 years it's been me that he's come to. I know, it sounds like co-dependence and I'm sure it is, but the hardest thing for me is knowing that he's going back to his W and trying to make things work out. I have so much sympathy and guilt for all the BS's here but for some reason when it comes to OM's W, I see her as the enemy and I feel horrible that I feel this way. I know she's a human being and that she's been hurt just as horribly as my H has been hurt but it's hard for me to feel bad for her. I feel like such a monster for saying that but I'm trying to be honest with my feelings.
I guess, the past 2 years have been about ME and OM and now it's about OM and his W. It's like a stab in the heart (even now) thinking of him with her. I hate feeling this jealousy and it's these feelings that I need to figure out how to resolve. 2 to 5 years for recovery seems so impossible- It's a hard road to travel and with God's help I'll be able to do it. 2Long, can I ask you about your W's current feelings towards the OM? Does she still "love" him and is she finding it hard to remove herself from his life when she's been a part of it for 12 years? And, how is she going about doing this? How does she not feel jealousy or constantly wonder what he's doing, who he's seeing, etc. This is the part I need help with the most. I need to get these feelings resolved so that OM's not the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before bed.

Mortarman- Thank you so much for your kind words, your support helped me alot yesterday. When I said that I didn't want H to see me like I was yesterday, it wasn't that I didn't want him to because I was ashamed of what I looked like. It was more that I didn't want him to because I feel so guilty for feeling my pain when I know that the pain he's feeling is so much more intense. I feel selfish for reacting the way I did and he's hurting alot more than I am but yet he doesn't act as immature and disgusting as I did. It's hard to go to someone and humble yourself when you know that they're hurting also. Does that make sense? I mean, what a stab to his heart to have to hold his W and listen to her crying for some OM. It just doesn't feel right to me and it's hard for me to do that.
Thank you for the book recommendation, it sounds very interesting. Reading helps me alot right now so I will definately go find that book. I think you hit upon something when you say that my H wants to be the "man" and the hero. I know he has said before that he feels like he needs me more than I need him. He thinks that if we were to divorce I would be fine without him. I tell him that's not true but I guess I need to find a way to show him. I told him yesterday that he was the only one who could comfort me and that I'm sorry I had to lean on him so much right now but that it feels good to be in his arms and that I need him. I guess I need to learn how to step back and trust that my H knows how to be the "man of the family" and maybe that'll help him to see that I really do trust him to take care of us and be our hero. Thanks for your post!

Dreamcatcher- Thank you for your suggestions on ways to reconnect with H again. We have been going to the movie's lately and it's been nice because I've been laying my head on his shoulder and stuff. I have also been more aware of the way we hug (If anyone has read the book Passionate Marriage, I'm talking about "hugging til relaxed" ). Before, it seemed like hugging or kissing were more of his empty actions, but lately I'm trying to put more feeling and emotion into them and it seems to be helping me. I did notice that the last time we were intimate that I wasn't quite as nervous as I have been but still, I am no where near being aroused to the point of having an orgasm and I know this is frustrating for my H.
I know it takes time for all that to come back, but honestly, how long are we talking? I'm not a very patient person (as you can probably tell) but it's so hard to be intimate with someone when you're not really interested in it. I know that practice makes perfect and that love is a verb so I'm trying to do it even if it's not very comforting right now and I'm hoping that sooner, rather than later, these feelings will come back again.

Nid- I think I have come close to deleting the message from my mind. It played over in my mind one time last night and that was it, so that's progress considering it was practically haunting me yesterday. I have to realize that his words are just that- words. So, analyzing them isn't going to do me alot of good because there is no true meaning behind them. See, I'm not that hopeless after all. I'm slowly starting to get it....

Quantumworld- I must say that I feel honored that my post was the one that inspired you to post. First, I want to say that I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your W and I'm also very sorry for what you had to find after her passing. I can't even begin to imagine what you have and are going through.
I wasn't offended by your post at all, in fact I think that you are very accurate in what you type. I think one of the big reasons that H and I got married (for me) was because my family loved him so much and I couldn't take that away from him. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I didn't love my H because I did. But, the initial reason for the M was more because I couldn't take him away from my family than it was that I couldn't live without him. I know this sounds very shallow and please know that I don't mean for it to be. I love my H and I think that I loved him the best way that I knew how up until this point. I think that this A is sort of a slap in the face for me and realization that I need something deeper from my M, I can't just settle for this selfish love that I've felt for the past 12 years. When I say selfish, I mean selfish on my part. I think my H has been very mature in his love. He has a wisdom beyond his years and he's known how to love me unconditionally from the start. For me, it was more of a love based on how he made me feel or ensuring that I wasn't alone, etc. See what I mean by selfish- it was all about how it affected me. This A has made me wake up and realize that love is about more than that- it's not about me. It's about my H and how I can make him feel. Up to this point, I concentrated more on how it made me feel but I always felt empty and shallow, lonely. When I strive to show my H love and make it about him, it makes me feel more alive and it makes the love feel more real. I have put all this pressure on my H to make him responsible for the hole that's in my heart and that's been very unfair. Sometimes I would feel good about myself and other times I would feel sad and depressed and I would always blame these feelings on the fact that what my H and I have must not be real because if it was then I wouldn't be feeling this way. That's an unfair thing to pin on my H and I now realize that the hole is something that I have to figure out how to fill through God. I'm trying to make love a verb now where as before I thought love was either there or it wasn't (like "love at first sight" ).
As far as the sex part, I also agree with you on that. I guess I see my H as more of the caretaker than the sexual person. So it makes it hard for me to be able to be as uninhibited with him as I was with OM. Like you said, my relationship with OM was based on sex so therefor it was easier to experiment with him. It does seem unnatural, to a degree, to do these things with my H- only because I view him differently then that. But, my problem is that I realize this is the problem but now how do I fix it? How do I start seeing my H as a sexual being rather than as a "friend"? Is it true that the more sex you share together, the better and easier it becomes? You say that my H needs to go out and "spiff up" his image and make the women show interest in him. I agree with you, the trouble is that my H is more comfortable in tshirts and jeans then he is in sexy outfits. My H is a little overweight (not fat, just "pudgy") and I have asked him numerous times to get healthy with me, etc. but he never seems interested. I don't want to push the issue because it seems shallow to say that I'm not turned on by him because of his weight (I think there are other issues besides that though). But, I agree in that sometimes it seems that he doesn't put a whole lot of effort into making me desire him. When I see another woman checking out my H, it makes me feel that little twinge of jealousy and then I realize, hey he's my man and that makes me want him sexually.
But, like I said, there are more issues to our sexual problems then just the weight stuff and I think this nice guy complex you speak of is true. So, how do I overcome seeing him as a nice guy and seeing him more as a sexual being?
By the way, about the tangles in your daughter's hair- there's some detangling spray that you can buy that may help. You just spray it on before you comb her hair. I know it worked on my little sister who used to get tangles really bad. Good luck and please, don't stop posting. I think you have a talent for writing and alot of what you said rang true for me.

Sauron- I changed my cell phone # yesterday and I closed my email account awhile ago so I no longer have any temptations. Well, actually, that's a lie. There's one more temptation but I am fighting it profusely because it's ethically wrong. I work at a medical facility that is the same place where OM's W goes for her care. I work in such a place that I have access to everyone's medical records and you have no idea how tempting it is to read through her chart everytime I see it. I am trying to stay strong and not read it because I know that would be a huge violation, but none the less, it is still a temptation. But, everything else has been closed. As far as sending OM the email, I am very open to doing that but my H doesn't want to give the OM the satisfaction. He thinks that if we just ignore OM it will hurt him worse than sending him a nasty email. Thanks for the suggestions though.

BryanP- Thanks for your suggestion and you know, I have actually imagined that before. I have tried to imagine how I would feel seeing H with someone else and knowing that he's treating her like a queen (because that's how he treated me). It hurts alot to think of it that way and you're right in saying that it's like an ice cold bucket of water being thrown on me. Thanks for the wake up call!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean no disrespect </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh PUHLEASE!

In order to have an affair he disrepected the fact you were married when he made the first advance. If you objected and persistently tried again and again over time then he disrepected your efforts to avoid the affair.

And finally when things ended he disrected the fact you wish to work on your marriage.

This man never respected you regardless of what line of bull he shot you.

Now on the most important part.

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line up and down the middle of the paper. Then draw a line across the middle.

At the top put your husband's name on one side the OP's on the other.

First half of the page list the strength's of each in terms of character. Then list the weaknesses on the bottom half.

You are going to find you use words like "caring, forgiving, patient, understanding" and so on regarding your husband.

What are the real positives of the OM if he were not part of the affair fantasy. If you had to evaluate him as a nuetral party. Words like "user, manipulater,selfish, disrespectful, lier, deciever and so on would probably be the adjectives.

Now here is the real test.

Swap places in your mind making the OM your husband and your husband the OM. Many of the kind words and noble characters of your husband would still apply to your husband even if he was the OM.

In the meantime do you want a selfish user to be the father of your children? And how good around the house would a selfish user be? Would he help you with the dishes? Would he take time to listen at the end of a hard day and rub your aching shoulders?

You see the OM is not reality. Remember when you dated in high school (yeah harder for some us to remember)? Everything was positive. You smelled good. You dressed to the max. You hungered for his company. You couldn't wait for the next date.

Well that is the fantasy of an affair combined with the addictive secrecy. But if you truly looked at the OP in the role of spouse odds are they would not measure up to the one you betrayed.

Put more bluntly picture the OM sweaty from mowing the yard taking a dump without runing the fan just before you need to get ready for an important appointment.....see what I mean makes a whole lot of difference what setting you put the OM in. And if you put him in a real world not fantasy setting he doesn't seem so attractive does he?

Stunned Dad- I know (in hindsight) that OM never respect me. I know that it was all about the fantasy to him as well. I know that I was probably nothing more than an "ego boost" to a 54 year old man. Does that make me feel good- h*ll no. I feel lower than dirt and I am getting everything I deserve.
Interestingly, I have already done the exercise you told me to do. I made a list of all the good qualities and bad qualities of both H and OM. My H's list far outlasted OM's list. In fact, the only good things on OM's half were in regards to how I felt when I was with him, they weren't about him directly. As far as the bad side, OM's far outweighed my H's (as I knew they would). See, in my mind I knew that OM wasn't H material but I guess I was so far in the fog that I wasn't able to rationalize this to my heart. I just knew that I felt good when I was with him and that's all that mattered. My H is ten thousand times the man that OM will be. He is someone that I want to strive to be, he is amazing to me. See, I can see all of this clearly now. OM is on his 2nd failing M and he is a very greedy, selfish, childish, manipulative, moody person (and the list goes on). Not to mention that if I were to bring a 54 year old man home, my dad would kick my a$$ into next year. I knew all of these things during the A, but I chose to ignore them because I liked the fantasy. It's pretty interesting how messed up one's thoughts can be during an A but I know it's starting to clear for me and I am just very blessed and fortunate to still have a H waiting with open arms for me.
I mentioned before that there's a saying that I would always think of (especially during the A when I would be in the midst of a fight with OM) and that is "Noone is worth crying over and the only one who is will never make you cry". I can't tell you the number of times this saying came to my mind while I was in the A. I knew that what I had with OM was a lie. I knew that when I would come home after a fight with OM (and I was crying) and I'd look at my H and know that he wanted to comfort me (even though he had no clue as to why I was crying), I knew that my H was the true love of my life. I was just so fogged out that I didn't know what to do about it. I can't tell you how many times OM said things that made me cry during our 2 year A. But, interestingly, in my 12 years with H, I don't remember any single instance where he made me cry- pretty humbling when I think of it that way.

Good for you.

Recovery is so much faster so much deeper when you have the level of self awareness you are showing.

Make sure (and I bet you do) that you share your appreciation every day with your husband...that is the one thing he cannot get enough of. Even its just simple smile in his direction that he catches out of the corner of his eye.

Stunned dad- Thanks for your vote of confidence. I try to make sure that my H knows how I feel about him every day. It's funny because somedays I think "this isn't so bad, I'll be able to do this" and then I have days like yesterday that just take the wind right out of you and it kind of helps remind you that there's a long way to go yet. My H and I have been more affectionate (non sexually) lately in terms of joking around with each other, leaving little love notes, etc. It makes me feel good and it also helps me to realize that I don't need the OM to make me feel loved- I have an awesome H who does a much better job at it.

SG...girl, you have an AWESOME Hubby, for him to support you through yesterday is a HUGE testament(sp?) to how much he loves you...and to be able to be so patient and loving to you through this...dang, he's twice the man that OM will ever be..make sure he knows that k?..

As for how long does it take for the 'feeling' to come back...well, if i had to put a time frame on it..and i hate to do that coz everyone is so different..it took me about 2 months after ending things with OM before I actually looked forward to being intimate with H...just keep doing what you're doing...thank God you have such a wonderful H and give it time..patience...it'll get there...

Hey Dreamcatcher- I agree with you completely that my H is awesome! What an amazing person to be able to be there to help someone who has hurt you beyond belief. Like I said before, I strive to be like him because he is absolutely unbelievable. And, I definately let him know that he's wonderful - although he's pretty humble and just brushes his actions off as nothing special, saying that he's just showing me he loves me and trying to be there for me. (pretty awesome huh?)
I was actually quite surprised to hear you say that it only took about 2 months for you to enjoy your intimacy with your H again because that seems like a very do-able and realistic goal for me. (I realize, like you said, that everyone's different) Just knowing that it is possible after just 2 months gives me hope and encouragement. In your struggle with this issue, did you find that you had the same "problems" as me regarding intimacy with your H or am I deeper affected than you were?
Thanks for sharing!

SG...nah, i was pretty much where you are...i wanted to be with him...loved him dearly...but physically, it just wasn't all that easy...seemed like the harder i tried to get 'into' it...the more other thoughts would come into my mind...it wasn't that i was comparing him to the OM..not at all (actually, my H is a much better lover than the OM was)...it was just the emotional side of me was overriding the physical i think...as long as OM was in my mind and definatly when he was in my life, i just couldn't get passed it..it's hard to explain, but i know that once i established No Contact it wasn't long before the thoughts of OM faded and H was on the top of my mind when we were intimate..like i said before, it just takes time...don't try to force it too much, but don't give up on trying either....once the guilt and lingering addiction to the OM passes, it will be smoooth sailing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />