Help me! I don't know what to do.

Here's the link to my story: www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=004076]Heroswife original post

If you read my original post you will see that my H works with the OW. Right now we have no way of leaving this post. I'm sure we could if my H would try but it would have a huge impact on his career. I don't even want to go into the reasoning of this fact.

Now I'm face with a huge issue. My H's new unit is very tight knit. They have functions all the time and spend many non-working hours together with their families. We are new to this group. I want to fit in with them and I want to socialize with them so they will see that I'm not some crazy hag this OW has made me out to be.

Now the week we moved here there was one of these "get togethers" at OW's house - keep in mind she's the boss here. I went to the party at her house. I'm not sure how I did that but I can tell you I had God on my side that night. I wanted to go back to my roots and pull her teeth out.

My H called me yesterday to tell me that there was another get together tonight but that we WERE NOT going to go. He told his team that we had family coming in town. He then told me that he didn't wnat to say anything to me but he knew I would see another spouce the next day and it might be brought up.

I asked him why were weren't going? He stated that he did not want to put me in that position. It's like he's trying to protect me.

I got upset because I feel like I'm being hidden from the group. I just said I feel like we will have to spend the next few years making up stories as to why we can't socialize with his new team. I feel like they know he is a social creature as he has spent time with them during conferences and he is not above going out and having a good time. I know the OW has told others that I'm crazy and paranoid. I want to give these people a better impression of me. At the same time I do not want to be around the OW but I think she needs to see me and my H interact. I shouldn't be the uncomfortable one. It should be her.

So I tell my H that I'm upset and here's his reaction:
"What? I can't believe you are upset! You tell me to open up to you and when I do this is what I get in response!?!? And you wonder why I don't open up! I hate these conversations! I hate'em! This is why I don't talk to you!"

I was crushed. Spent the entire night crying. I just want to know why I could be around her before and now he won't let me. I'm starting to think that the A has heated back up and he just doesn't want to be uncomfortable around us together.

What do I do? Do I force him to put me in front of his friends? Do I push for interaction? What do I do? Is it too soon to be around her?

AM I CRAZY!!!

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: heroswife ]</small>

Why in the world would you want to be around the OW? He did the best thing, IMO, in declining to attend this event. I guess I am puzzled about why you can't see that. He was being thoughtful in protecting you from someone who has hurt you deeply.

You will just have to accept that this will be a way of life for you now and handle it the best you can. This is what happens when the affair is kept secret and the WS stays in contact with the OP. You made that choice and this is the natural consequence. You just have to learn to live with it and continue to hide out and keep their secret for them.

Oh Dear God! You are right! I'm in on this now. It's as bad as if I was in the A myself.

This will be my scarlet letter. By not exposing it I basically condoned the activity.

Not to pile on here, but because this was kept secret, she is free to do this with someone else's husband. You are an accessory to the crime.

Did you ever hear the saying "evil thrives when good men stand silent?"

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

This is some serious tough Love Melody.

I have to find a way to bring this out. I don't even know where to start but I know you are right. My silence has opened the door for her.

I'm betraying her H just as she betrayed me.

I don't know what to do. Feeling sorry for myself doesn't help.

Right now I'm more concerned about my M then I am her's. I just don't know what exposing this will do to my M.

There will be nothing to rebuild from.

1. send an annonymous letter to owh with details.

2. Tell someone you know will repeat the story, but don't ask them too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Heros wife,

I am in the military (actually retiring now).

First off, it is too late to say anything, that is unless they are still having an affair. You are right, if you say something, it will destroy your marriage.

On the issue of your husband protecting you...he was. It appears that he was trying to protect you from the situation. You are going to have to learn to trust him again, that is as long as he continues to warrant trust.

On the issue of the OW and the unit...well, all I have to say is it is time to transfer. will it harm his career? Maybe. But what is more important here, the marriage or his career? I am retiring from the military for my wife and my marriage. There is NO other reason. I am at the top of my game, and have been moving up fast. And as fast as I have been moving up, if I were to stay, many of you would be seeing more of me on TV or out there making things happen. That is how promising my career is. I have so many people, key people, in the Army practically begging me not to retire. Saying I am throwing away something great, etc. And they are right...I am throwing away my whole adult life, everything I have trained and built for is right there in front of me. It is like practicing all year long, playing throughout the season, and then the night before the Super Bowl, the star quarterback walks in and says "Coach, I'm quitting. I'm going home to my wife." What? Is he a fool? What kind of wife would put him in that position?

But, I know if I were to stay, I would be heading on more deployments. And I know that we wouldnt survive that again. I made a promise to my wife that I am going to get out...and I will keep my word, no matter how much it hurts.

So, your husband has some soul searching to do. I doubt he would lose his career. At worse, moving to a new unit would be a momentary setback. But he would overcome it, especially in today's military when we need all the good soldiers we can get.

But, that unit is NOT more important than you. And if you are hurting because of his proximity to the OW, then he has to do something about it. Either she goes, or he does.

Look, if they had a PA, then his career would be over anyway, if the IG found out. He is darn lucky no one has said anything. That is why I am against right now, spreading the info around thru third channels. Who knows who will get that info?

Time for a heart-to-heart with your husband. He needs to understand that getting away from the OW is not an option, that is if he wants his marriage. He screwed up and had an affair. It is HIS responsibility to do what it takes to make you comfortable and to trust him again.

So, get the two of you to a counselor, and then lay it out there (call Steve Harley if you want...he would be great for this). Because you are doing neither of you a favor by keeping silent. He will continue to be frustrated with you by things like what you did above. And you will not have one days peace as long as the OW is around.

In His arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong>
I got upset because I feel like I'm being hidden from the group. I just said I feel like we will have to spend the next few years making up stories as to why we can't socialize with his new team. I feel like they know he is a social creature as he has spent time with them during conferences and he is not above going out and having a good time. I know the OW has told others that I'm crazy and paranoid. I want to give these people a better impression of me. At the same time I do not want to be around the OW but I think she needs to see me and my H interact. I shouldn't be the uncomfortable one. It should be her.

AM I CRAZY!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I decided to severly edit my response as I was probably to harsh. Sorry about that.

In a word, MAYBE.

I believe you husband was at least partially trying to protect you from an unpleasant situation and partially protecting himself from unnecessary contact with the OW. That's a good thing and he deserves praise and thanks from you for it.

Do you know what I would give for my WW to behave like your husband.? What it would mean to me for my WW to intentionally avoid a social gathering where the OM is? That would mean more than I can descrite to me.

As you rebuild your marriage I think you must use POJA (policy of joint agreement) to help you through these things. Since your H still works with OW, you must use POJA to find a way to deal with her. That will be tough and no doubt there will be mistakes. Both of you should work together. Perphaps you will choose to avoid some social gatherings. Later you may choose to go together and make a point of showing all that you are a healthy married couple. That will do more to disarm OW's foolish lies than anything you say to anybody else.

Ultimately, you will have to use POJA and the other rules in SAA to negotiate a more permantent solution to your H's contact with OW. But do this one small step at a time.

One more thing, if you have not already done so, call him and tell him you are sorry. Tell him you appreciate his decision to protect you and the marriage.

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

Not sure about the letter. They would know it was me.

I'll find a way.

Telling someone who will tell someone else is very doable. I'll explore that option.

Thank you for the advice.

I'm going out of my mind with this. Now I'm dealing with guilt now. What else is going to happen?

Heroswife,

I think you have made at least three serious mistakes here. The first is obvious and how exposure was handled. You have been hearing about that.

The second is your response to your H. He was trying to protect you and in a proactive way and... you snubbed him. In my simple mind what you should do or should have done, is graciously thanked him for protecting you and looking out for you. It was actually a very nice and big step he took. He should be thanked now. THEN, you should have sat down with him and talked about FUTURE get togethers and how they should be handled. What the goals for both of you are. You can be honest with him, if scratching her eyes out sounds like a good idea put it on the table. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Now this next part you must take with a grain of salt because I am a guy, and "cat fights" are NOT my thing.

But, it seems to me in all my years, the people who have WON, always seemed to have the following attributes: grace, control, and focus. The first term is not usually applied to men, but surely it is to women. If you act with grace around this woman I think several things will happen. 1. Your H will notice and be impressed (grace and poise under fire is a treat men admire). 2. It will drive the OW crazy because she knows and you know she is NOT a commander, she is a slut.

The classier you are, the more poised you are, the more you act with calm and grace, the more you enjoy the company of the other spouses in the unit, the more it will make her look like what she is: a failure. To do this takes focus.

Focus on what you might ask. Permit me to offer you some suggestions.

1. Focus on making sure people know you love your H.

2. Focus on making him look good around his peers and their spouses.

3. Focus on making sure that OW knows you have what she does not: your H and class.

4. Focus on people knowing that your H is lucky to have you as a W.

It seems to me that you will find your H will be very proud of you, very sorry for his decisions, AND so glad you stayed with him.

I will offer you an analogy to consider. When I come to a 4 way stop, I make a point of getting through it as fast as possible. Now some people take the idea that they try and beat everyone to the stop and then sort of blast and bluff their way through. I think it is a false economy, because ALL of the time you have saved in your lifetime will be overcome sitting there filling out ONE accident report, if you live through it all.

I take a different approach. I take control. I stop and I wave the other people through one at a time. No one sits and wonders who should go, they actually move through faster and I get through faster and safer. Why? Because I take control and become the traffic cop.

Whether you can address the issue of not telling the powers that be about OW, you can still take control. I think you decision to go to these functions is a major step in doing that, but I think you need to give your H credit for trying to protect you and then explain why you want to go to these functions.

You can do this heroswife and you just might find that eventually you are a hero in your H's eyes.

Those are my thoughts on the matter. But, please trust me on one thing. I grew up with military functions and all of the social drama that can go on. I got to hear my mother and father discuss this sort of thing for many years. The ones that win, are the ones with grace and focus. Trust that, for it is true.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learing you are a very wise person. I appreciate your guidance here. You have come through for me on several occassions and I can't thank you enough for that.

The first "get together" we went to at the OW's house was very hard for me. I prayed for hours before I left. I prayed that I would have the strength to do what was right.

Before I left the house that night I vowed to myself and to God that I would walk in that room and hold my head high. I made it a point not to be over confident and intimidating (as I have learned that is a huge trait I have). I walked into that room telling myself that everyone in that room would love me by the time I left. I was funny (that's just my personality) and down played some of my accomplishments...even disregarded them as simple at times.

I prayed that God would make my children behave and that she would see how wonderful my family is. God answered my prayers that night. My kids were beautiful and wonderful. The baby even cried when my husband would walk away from her (this is not unusual - they are both very attached to him). One person even commented on how wonderful it was to see a children so attached to their father. I just looked up and said thank you God for answering my prayers. It was like a sign and gave me the courage I needed to WOW the entire room. I was very complementary of my H that night. It's not hard to do because he is a wonderful person - aside from this issue.

I even made a friend that night. She has been the only contact I have had with the group since then.

I called the OW when this first happened. Even then I was not a screamer. I was very calm. I think my calmness allowed me to express my feelings in a very direct manner. She asked if there was anything she could do as that call ended. I told her to leave my husband alone and to contact me if he attempted to contact her (which you know will never happen). I told her that I wanted her to pay close attention to the way my H interacts with out children so that she would see better understand the impact this A would have had on them if it was allowed to continue. I ended my requests by saying...when you see me and my family together your first instinct will be to run and hide from shame. But I want you to face us. I want you to look at me and my children and I want you so smile so big I can see your teeth.

I did tell her that I had no respect for her and that she was the poster child for the reason women are not allowed to fight on the front line. That when my H was at war I wanted the guy in the fox hole next to him to worry about watching my H's back and not wondering who he was going to sleep with night.

OK. I'll take your advise and I'll speak to my H about future functions. I will continue my state of grace. I can't promise I'll have focus or control. I guess those traits will come with grace.

I will alos be sure to thank him for thinking of me and apologize for being such a bonehead yesterday.

heroswife,

Feeling like I was keeping "their" secret from OWs H was one of my three reasons for making sure OWs H was told. I was being eaten by guilt.... but then, I was not in your position and my H's job was not at risk.

I agree with Mortarman that you need to sit your H down and explain the position he has put you in. Thank him for protecting you yesterday, but ask him, in the future, to ask you if you want to attend a function where OW will be present. Tell him you do not want to hide from her. Tell im if you don't want to be an outcast. Help him to understand.

I am against game playing. If you decide to tell anyone about the A, I would make it OW's H and I would tell him in person. Then, if the two of you decide to keep the secret, so be it, but BOTH OW and your H will know that if they want to continue the A they will have to pull the wool over two sets of eyes, not just one.

heroswife

you have had some fantastic advice here, and i dont feel i can add any more. i do agree that her H should find out about the A 'indirectly'.

also i just wanted to let you i know i am thinking of you.

be proud of yourself

WOW -

You guys have really blown me away with your support. I am listening loud and clear. I'm still not going to move forward with telling the OW's H at this point. Not ready for that yet.

I did call my H and tell him how sorry I was and that we should sit down and discuss how this should be handled moving forward. He has not agreed to do that yet but I'll keep trying.

Mortarman - I'd like to thank you for your words from a military point of view. I am sorry your career is ending. You sound like a good soldier and we need all we can find right now. I would never ask my husband to end his career. I know how hard he has worked to get where he is. I also know that I have had to make a great many sacrifices for him to be such a success. The thought of him getting out now and not retiring from the Army makes me sick because I know he would regret it for the rest of his life. Maybe you could transfer to a unit that would not deploy as often. Just a thought.

Well it's Monday and I started this post of Friday afternoon. I was not able to finish...I guess I had too much to say.

I did call and say I was sorry. We had a good weekend but I screwed up last night.

The OW called a few weeks ago while I was out of town. I saw the call log and realized that he had deleted her call from one of the handsets but not both. I asked him about it and he said he deleted it because he knew I'd get mad. He said she was calling for work related business...which is what he said when the A was going on and I found calls to her from his cell phone.

I got really upset and then he just got mad and eventually laughed at me. He said he wished I'd leave him so he could be happy because I make him miserable.

Why can't I leave? What's stopping me?

Heroswife,

Like I have said, what is more important...his career, or your marriage? My career has been everything, and both of us have sacrificed greatly. And you are right, we need every good soldier we have right now in this war. But, my sacrifice would be too great to be asked of me. I would rather give my life for this country, then give my marriage and my family for it.

There are priorities. God comes first. Then your husband. Then family. Then country.

Mark my words. As long as he is interacting with the OW, your marriage will continue to not heal. And it will get worse. He MUST transfer or get out. He MUST get away from her.

How in the world is he going to get to the point of believing this if you dont? Your marriage is under attack. It wont get better by being "all smiles" around the OW, and shtting up about her with your husband. You have feelings here. And they will betray you everytime as long as she is around.

So, get into counseling. Both of you. He has to understand what he is doing. And if he doesnt, then he isnt much of a husband. Or a hero. Any man that would chose his career, and his "buddies" over his wife...well, I wouldnt want to serve with him.

In His arms.

<small>[ February 23, 2004, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Originally posted by heroswife:

I got really upset and then he just got mad and eventually laughed at me. He said he wished I'd leave him so he could be happy because I make him miserable.

This seems unusually cruel. Laughing at your misery. Telling you that your hurt makes him miserable.

Is this a typical cold remark/response he might make? Is he this cruel with the kids when they are hurting or upset?

Pep >worried<

I hear what you are saying and in a year I'll probably be telling myself that I should have listened to Mortarman.

I've tried to convince him that we can't heal here. He won't listen. He won't consider leaving. His career will be enhanced when he leaves this duty station and he will be promoted before he leaves.

What do I do? Do I just tell him that I'm leaving him until he decides to pick his family over his career? I'm miserable here. I hate everyday of my life. He's with her right now. I work from home so I do not have constant interaction with people throughout the day. So I've got tons of time to think about what he's doing and who he's doing it with.

I come here. That's all I have.

I don't know what else to do. I can say that if I suspect that things are going on I will not hesitate to expose the A. I will not put myself through this again. Right now I think he is on the up and up. I believe that. I do not trust him and I am crushed by all of this but I believe he is remoresful and that he is sorry.

I do not want to do anything that might impact his career as that will impact the lives of my children. I have to think about them during all of this.

And I won't be little miss nice girl if I do find out the A is still going on. Her H will be the first person I go to...my next stop will be to go to her boss with evidence in hand.

I want my life back.

Pep -

No he has never been this way with me or the kids. I'm not sure where that laugh came from. It was not like him at all. It wasn't like a "I can't believe this" laugh...it was a giggle to the point he had to hide his face. I'm so confused by all of this.

I think his reactions scare me the most. I don't know him anymore. I'm so hurt by all of this and living up the road from her and having him go to work with her everday is killing me.

I'm not sure what to do.

We all feel your pain. You must demand no contact, or a plan b may have to become imminent.

sending my love

I can't do plan B. I just can't. He's trying now. He's really putting forth an effort and it's me that keeps bring the A up and it's me that can't seem to let it go.

He's doing everything he can. When I get upset he gets angry. I don't blame him for getting angry sometimes.

Plan B would kill my kids. How could I ever hope to rebuild if I do Plan B and he leaves his job? He'd hate me forever if I ruined his career. He wouldn't leave anyway. I know him and he wouldn't leave.