Your whole entire response says that you need to call Steve Harley now and set this up. I dont care what he says on this. it is he that is continuing this. If he wants forgiveness, he is going to have to stop it first. Kind of hard to forgive, when he is still doing it! And ANY contact with the OW is still doing it.

Make the call, set up the time...and then tell your husband you have set up the date and time for the counseling to begin. Tell him that it will help you, and him get past this...and to that place that you both want to be.

But, do it now...then tell him when it is.

In His arms.

Doing it now.

I am traveling for my job tomorrow. I'll try to log on between meetings and give you guys an update.

I know this is just the first step but please pray for me and if you don't mind please pray for the OW too.

I pray that she will see the errors of her ways and that God will come into her life and use her to do good and not do this to another family.

OK I also pray that she does not provoke me in any way. I think it would make me feel a little better to whip her entire @ss...but that's just not the way I want to be.

OK, latest update if there's anyone out there still listening to my story.

We went away this weekend back to the town we moved here from. Our church had a kick off Sunday morning. It was good to be around our friends from the church. We are very close the the pastor and his family. They are aware of the A and have supported us a great deal.

Sunday morning while in church my 8 year old began to cry. She just said he missed living there and wanted to move back. She was very very upset. My H wasn't very sympathic...pretty much said....dry it up and go out with the youth for service. That upset me. I just felt sorry for her because I feel the same way.

I didn't make the appointment for counseling yet. Not sure what I'm waiting for.

I guess I'm just sick of doing all the work. Why can't he read the books? Why can't he try to get us some help?

I did talk to him about leaving this unit. He will not consider it. I told him that I knew someone who had a lot more experience then he did in the military and this person told me he could get out of here if he wanted to. (speaking of mortarman of course)

He said that the position he is in is who determines who goes where and when....and who ever I was talking to didn't know what they were talking about.

So Mortarman.....I'm coming back to you for help. Do you know of someone I could call for help? Is there a general base contact that I might turn to? I saw the Chaplin from our other unith this Sunday. I thought about talking to him. I'm not sure I could ever do that. That Chaplin was with my H on the famous mission. They've spent hours together doing things no man should ever have to do. The Chaplin looks up to my H and I know this would crush my H's image in his eyes.

What do I do?

Heroswife,

Okay...look. Bravery is not just in your husband's arena. You will also have to be brave and do thins no woman should have to do. Others are counting on you, most importantly your husband.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We went away this weekend back to the town we moved here from. Our church had a kick off Sunday morning. It was good to be around our friends from the church. We are very close the the pastor and his family. They are aware of the A and have supported us a great deal.

Sunday morning while in church my 8 year old began to cry. She just said he missed living there and wanted to move back. She was very very upset. My H wasn't very sympathic...pretty much said....dry it up and go out with the youth for service. That upset me. I just felt sorry for her because I feel the same way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your husband is still in the fog. Thus, to pull him away from the OW would be painful. Thus, your daughter's pain seems to be less important than his own. This is normal in A's. Later, FWSs state that they cannot believe how selfish they were and how they mistreated everyone, even their own kids.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't make the appointment for counseling yet. Not sure what I'm waiting for. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes you do. You want him to do the right thing. But it appears he is unable, probably because of his continued addiction to the OW. So, back to that bravery thing. Until YOU do something, nothing will happen. Make the appointment, and tell him "we have an appointment with Steve Harley on ##/##/2004 at 10am." If you have it all set up for him, I am betting your husband will participate. And once Steve gets ahold of him, you will be surprised how fast things change. If your husband doesnt start, then you can at least start and Steve can help you. And I am again willing to bet that by the time you have talked to Harley, and invited your husband a couple of times, he will finally come around.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I'm just sick of doing all the work. Why can't he read the books? Why can't he try to get us some help? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because he is an addict. I have been asking myself this same question for so long about my wife. Why she wont do the hard work. But addicts can barely take care of themselves, let alone do the hard stuff. It isnt fair...but you are going to have to initiate, to take care of things, for awhile!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did talk to him about leaving this unit. He will not consider it. I told him that I knew someone who had a lot more experience then he did in the military and this person told me he could get out of here if he wanted to. (speaking of mortarman of course)

He said that the position he is in is who determines who goes where and when....and who ever I was talking to didn't know what they were talking about. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is Barbara Streisand!! I have over twenty years experience throughout the Army. I was an inspector generals for four years. I know the regulations. I know how it works. If he went to the chain-of-command, he could get that transfer. It isnt he cant...it is he wont!! You said it above..."He will not consider it." THAT is the truth!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So Mortarman.....I'm coming back to you for help. Do you know of someone I could call for help? Is there a general base contact that I might turn to? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Like I have said, there are avenues. The chaplain is the best, because of his ability to protect things and your husband not to get in trouble. And since he has a relationship with your H, your H may actually listen. The next step I believe is his and the OW's commander. A private talk by you with him/her. Lay it out. Tell the commander that you dont have any proof of anything, but that you suspect that things might not be right with your husband and a female in the unit. You dont want your husband busted, you just want to have things changed so that if it is going on or has gone on, that the temptation will be taken away...before your husband's career is ruined. And before your marriage is ruined. Tell the commander that you would like to find out the possibility of him/her grantng a request for transfer for your husband.

If that commander is worth his salt, he wil lcall your husband in, assess the situation, and then tell your husband that he is going to discreetly grant a transfer of your husband to another duty station/unit.

These two are just about the only ways for your husband to be prodded into doing the right thing by the military, without getting burned. Once the IG gets involved, or the cat gets out of the bag with the command, so that the commander doesnt have the choice on what to do, then your husband is done!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I saw the Chaplin from our other unit this Sunday. I thought about talking to him. I'm not sure I could ever do that. That Chaplin was with my H on the famous mission. They've spent hours together doing things no man should ever have to do. The Chaplin looks up to my H and I know this would crush my H's image in his eyes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This guy would be the BEST guy to go to. Would your husbands image be crushed? Not if this chaplain is worth his anything. He would know that a squared away soldier made a huge mistake and is in trouble. He will know the repercussions. And he will take it upon himself to get thru to your husband and guide him to the alternatives that will save his career, and his marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do I do? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Call this chaplain immediately!! Get him on this. Look, anything you do from now on likely will make your husband upset. But he needs to get upset. Right now, he is comfortable with the way things are. He needs to get uncomfortable. He may be angry at you for talking to the chaplain and spilling the beans, and say again that he believes that you wont let this die. But you have to just stay on message "I love you. I want our marriage to work out. I want you to continue in the career both of us have suffered and worked for. But I have to do what I think is right in order for us to get past what you have done. So, I am doing the BEST thing for our family, for our marriage, and for your career." He will see it eventually.

The other choice is to do nothing. And you see where that is heading, dont you?

I know what I am talking about with the military. As an IG, I have seen this all happen over and over. Your husband CAN transfer. But he has a small window of opportunity. Once the issue is out for all to see though, it will be too late for him to stop it.

In His arms.

Ok right now I'm just really tired of dealing with this.

The longer I am here and the longer I am made to go through this pain the less I feel for my H. I'm wondering if the best thing to do is just wait until I feel nothing for him. It would make it so much easier for me to just pack up and leave then.

Right now it's not as painful to think of leaving. A month ago I would have said that I loved him too much to ever leave. Now a month later, seeing that he has been content to let me sit here and hurt day in and day out makes me love him less. Not saying I do not love him. Just saying I can go to bed without him now. I do not have to hear his voice on the phone 50 times a day (as I have since DDay - which pisses him off).

If my kids weren't in school now I really think I would just pick up and move today.

This must be my fog. I'm going crazy here and I'm sure in a couple of hours I will feel differently.

Look at what you just wrote. Then go back and read the stuff about Plan B on the main part of this website...the stuff by the Harleys.

The main point of Plan B is to save your love for him when you start losing it. You have been in a sort of Plan A. That cannot last forever. Again, go onto the main part of the MB website and read about plan A and Plan B and their purposes.

Sure, you can keep going as you are...AND YOUR MARRIAGE WILL BE OVER WITH! If you love him, if you want this to work, you MUST do something like I said above, and then go to Plan B if he doesnt respond...or your love will leave, you will open yourself up to being able to have an affair...or you will just leave him and divorce him.

You can have it all. You both can. But neither of you is makign a move to do the right thing, and your kids are caught in the middle. If for no one else, take care of this for your kids' futures. They want their family together. One of you had better do the right thing soon, or they wont have that. If that means doing tough things, then do it!

I hear so many parents say "I would do anything for my kids," "I would die for my kids." Well??? Would you?

You know what you need to do. I think the chaplain you talked about can help. But I would start getting your Plan B plan together and ready. We are talking days...not months, before you will need to do it if things dont change.

So, what is it going to be? You know he isnt going to get this started. Are you going to stand by and do nothing also? Look your kids in their eyes tonight, and resolve that you will do EVERYTHING you can possibly do to save their family.

That means to get up and get with it. I am not jumping on you. But you need to understand the severity of your situation...and you dont have much time!

Pray. Let God handle the future. You jsut do what He tells you to do and step forward on faith. He will take care of you, your kids and you marriage. How big is your God?

Come on Hero...you can do this. Now, you need to understand that you MUST do this!

In His arms.

heroswife

I am glad you are still here on the forums. I have been lurking and watching your progress. I just popped in to tell you that many people have been following this thread and supporting you, as have I.

I have seen many of mortarman's posts, and I imagine you have too. This man lays it out straight, doesn't he? And many other poster's give very good straightforward advice.

The bottom line is that YOU are fully informed as to what most people believe is best for you. WE all believe that YOU know what is best for YOU. The only thing lacking is for you to "pull the trigger".

In my first post to you, I suggested you contact the chaplain of your H's unit. I do believe that may still be your best next move. You might even want to print some or all of this thread to bring him up to snuff on where you are at today. (mortarman?)

You are deleting not only your LoveBank by waiting, but your own energy to think clearly and make rational decisions.

Please do not leave these boards. People here care for you and support you, and will no matter what.

Please take the next step and visit the chaplain, for YOUR sake.

SD

I want to say that I will but I do not want to renig on another step.

I am going to continue to pray on this. Right now Plan B looks pretty darn good. I have it all laid out. I never quit my job in the town we moved from. I just work remote. That part is not very hard. I just need to have a Plan B for until my D gets out of school. I do not want to do anything else to impact her right now.

She knows that things have to change and they have to change soon.

I'm not sure about going to the Chaplin. I just feel so bad about that. I'm going to pray on it for a while.

If I do go to the Chaplin should I tell my H that I'm doing this? Should I call it to his attention before hand or should I just do it and let the pieces fall into place from there?

He will hate me. I have no doubt in my mind that he will hate me for this and he will be glad that Plan B is in effect or not far behind.

Also, am I doing a bad thing my still having SF with my H? I never stopped. It's more of a punishment for me to not have SF. I know some women use this as torture for their H's but I've always been very willing and open. Even right after I found out. I continued to sleep with him. That's one of the reasons I am so sure it was a PA and not just EA as my H stated. I could tell from the way he touched me and talked to me that he had been with someone else.

Am I sending mixed signals or can I just think to myself that this is the good part of Plan A? Honestly that would be the most difficult part of Plan B for me. Would that open the door for me to have an A as well?

Again, thank you all for your support. You really pick me up when I'm down. Lately I've been down more then I've been up.

My faith in God is getting me through this. I feel like I'm coming out of the fog.

Can a BS be in the fog too?

I see what you are saying, I notice a huge difference in the way you are talking now: it does indeed seem like you are coming out of a sort of fog.

Your husband, however, is still in the fog. He doesnt seem very sorry for the A, he gets angry when you attempt to talk about it and he still hasnt revealed the whole truth about the A to you. Thus plan B is needed to make him sit up and take notice and see what life would be like without you and your children.

He seems like a very controlling man who is controlling you just with your belief that he will hate you if you go to the chaplain. Does that make sense? Im glad you have increased in confidence enough to prepare for a plan B.

You need to be exceptionally strong in these coming weeks for yourself and your children: remember, you dont want your daughter to learn the wrong lessons from this. Have faith that the fog will break.

Sending my love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just thought:
I think you should tell your H that you are going to the chaplain: this may prompt him to do something about the situation in advance of you having to get involved.

x

KS -

I've never really thought of him as a controlling man. I really believe he is the opposite of that. He always leaves everything up to me. I do what I want. This situation is different. I do not want to end my M. I love him very much (although now I can feel that love deminishing - something I never thought could or would happen).

I sent him the link to this site. I asked him to read about the concepts and the articles. I told him that the information I learned on this site is what is helping me make the important decisions that I am struggling with now.

I mentioned Plan B and Plan A. He didn't have time to go to the site yesterday but says he'll check it out today if he can.

I just think he's really tired of dealing with all of this. I think he just wants it all to go away. He's been very supportive in the last few days. I think the fog may be lifting for him. I just do not want to push the matter any more.

I feel completely wiped out right now. Just numb and I know that this will go on and on if I let it because he is content to let me suffer.

He doesn't realize the pain that I go through on a daily basis. He won't hand around long enough to see me through this.

I just wish he would appear to show me some sympathy or show me that he feels bad. I can tell he thinks about his job non-stop. We'll be doing something and he'll just blurt out something funny that happened at work that day. It shows me that he's not paying attention to me but that he's thinking about his job.

That hurts. But everytime something like that happens it makes it easier for me to focus on Plan B and leaving.