H and I have been doing well until recently. He took a week's vacation to help his mother move his grandparents out of state. I needed to be home with the kids, so I couldn't accompany him. This is what happened:

The one physical encounter he admits to happened 18 months ago - he stole an extra day to be with OW when I thought he was visiting grandparents.

He was very private about his mail and only recently allowed me to have access to all his bills. He purchased a new cell phone. I asked him to get itemized billing, so we could build trust. The first two bills did not show the details. He said he doesn't know why not, but promises to take care of it yet again.

He spent a suspiciously long time getting ready to leave for this recent vacation. I left the house and came back unexpectedly. I noticed he was still not dressed and hadn't seemed to accomplish anything in the hour or so I was gone. He said he was online looking for tax info.

After he left, I checked the history of the websites visted: ratemyboobies.com and adultfriendfinder.com. I went to the first one, which has a link front and center trumpeting "Get Laid Tonight!"

I confronted him and he shrugged it off, saying it was no big deal. I believe this is a big trust killer. I don't think he actually met up with anyone, but why oh why does he think visiting the sex personal ads isn't a problem for a guy who admits to a sex addiction?

I already think I know the answer: because he doesn't want to. But what do I do? MC actually said at the last session he had probably done as much as he could for us. We have what I thought was going to be our final session tomorrow. H is still going to IC. What now? Do I give up? H is attentive and accounts for his time. He is fascinated by gadgets and I know he loves to use his new camera phone. Do I keep stuffing my anxiety and hope he is behaving?

bump

Hi Julie,
Well, You cant hope he is behaving, because you know he is not. You should be anxious. I dont know your story, so I hate to say more. But I can tell you about me...

When I reached MY limit, I told him I wanted a divorce. I WOULD NOT continue to live like that. I told him he obviously had a different ideas of what a Marriage should be, and his didnt agree with mine, so we should end this right this minute. I was done.

That woke him up. We got him an IC who specialized in SA. We both read the Patrick Carnes books. We did MB. My H was miserable, HE didnt want to be a porn addict. He was disgusted with himself, and embrased recovery. He wanted to get better. He did the work.

But if he hadnt 'seen the light', I would be divorced right now. I cant fix other people, and I would NOT live with that.

Why on earth would you let a SA husband get a picture phone? It's just setting him up to fail. If he was an alcoholic, it'd be like handing him the bottle.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I wouldnt wish this on anyone. Please take care - Dru

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Thanks for the reply, Drucilla. I've read a lot of your posts in Recovery, but I stopped going there because I'm not sure we are recovering. Roberta was one of the few to respond to me, but I haven't seen her for a while.

H and I discussed the camera phone before he bought it. I told him I was anxious about the new phone because the old one had been his conduit to all kinds of evil. He told me he wouldn't dream of getting a camera phone. I was relieved. I went into the hospital for a mastectomy and he bought it while I was in surgery. After I was back in coherent-land, I said I was upset about the phone, and he said it was so he could send pictures to his mom. The first thing he did when I woke up was to take a picture of me in the hospital bed. I guess he gets sympathy with that one. (It's the only photo he's taken of me in 10 years.)

I'm going for chemo next week. I can't start talking about divorce at this point, but I sure am thinking about it. I need to tackle one big ugly thing at once.

I guess I am hoping we can someday get to the point where he can have stuff like the camera phone and I won't worry about it. He behaves in a trustworthy way most of the time. I check his activity on the computer at home and it's all on the up and up. I saw every call he made on his old phone for months, no problems there. He is with me during most of his free time. I have reason to think he is working on his addiction, but this recent slip sets us back a long way. The worst is that he denies there's anything to worry about. If I insist I have a right to be worried, he clams up and acts angry. He feels his 'good behavior' should be rewarded by me never mentioning past hurts. I don't want to be his parent, but that's where he puts me.

Hi Julie,
You know, when I hit REPLY, the sig line disappears, so I didnt see yours. I am so sorry. You have been through the ringer. Less than a year from the last dday, and a mastectomy and chemo... Girl, you've got to be the strongest woman on the plant. I dont know what I would have done (and that is rarely an issue for me). {{{{{{{{Julie_hula}}}}}}}}}

Slips happen. How long had it been since he acted out? They say the 2nd 6mo of recovery is when most slips happen. But, he needs to admit and address the slips, or he is likely to repeat them. How is he with his IC? My H LOVED his, and progressed quickly. Does your H have outside support, like a sponsor?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he said it was so he could send pictures to his mom.... I guess I am hoping we can someday get to the point where he can have stuff like the camera phone and I won't worry about it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a good goal, but it's years away. I'm sure he had a computer to send pictures to his mom with. I've yet to find a good reason for a picture phone. You cant check it like you can the computer.

Personally, that phone would have an 'accident', and under NO circumstances would the new one be a picture phone. (but I am wicked, that way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I insist I have a right to be worried, he clams up and acts angry.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesnt have to agree with you. I'd stop insisting. I think he'd have more sympathy for you for all he's but you through. Any woman in her right mind would be worried, and HE should understand that. Use small words, draw a picture if you need to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

There were a few times I thought my H had slipped. He was initially upset that I had accused him, but quickly changed his tune, saying he knew he brought this on himself, and that I had every right to be cautious.

This should be a goal for your H as well. Taking responsibility for his actions includes making sure you feel safe. You can not prove to yourself that he is safe. Only HE can do this. It includes being an open book, NOT getting defensive. He has no right to be defensive towards you. He long ago gave that up.

I dont post much during the weekends, but please know good thoughts are flowing your way. Please take care of yourself - Dru