My husband should be coming home the end of the month if he is true in saying that he is. Yesterday I had to watch the two grandchildren till he did his lawn care. His cell phone wasn't working, my daughter in law said he left her house(where he ends his day) about an hr. ago from when I called her to see if he came in yet. He did make 2 stops on his way to pick up the kids here. I serve him supper when he is so close to our supper time. The point I am trying to make, he is still with the O/W and I GOT UP TIGHT when he was late from ending his day. Am I going to be this way again when he comes home????????????? I can't afford medically to get up tight and worry. He do I learn to trust him again without worrying when he runs late. He can really do anything during the day too, he is on his own.... But MY CRAZY MIND keeps thinking is he with her again. He says I will not have to worry this time. I know I will chase him away if I question him too much when he comes home........Is there any suggestions to make our recovery easier????????????????? Especially since he has his own business and his time is his all day?????????? He said he will call when he is leaving my sons house. That would help........But I get so agitated so quickly if he is late.......That is why he left this time, he said I was questioning him too much, but he WAS still seeing her. He said he is getting too old for this.........I want to make this work but I don't know whether I can make things go smoothely all the time..............Any suggestions??????????

If he is still with her, then the affair is not over and there is NO REASON for you to trust him.
In fact, when someone is not trustworthy, it is foolish to trust them. You don't have to accuse or confront either, but trust is earned by behavior that is accountable, honest, truthful, faithful.

That is why he left this time, he said I was questioning him too much, but he WAS still seeing her.

I doubt he left because you were questioning. He left because he wanted to. He left because he is having an affair and because he wanted it to be more convenient to see her, without explaining his disappearance to you.

Lovebusting (angry outbursts, selfish demands, etc) may make a situation so negative a wayward spouse won't stay, but it is reasonable for you to respectfully question him when he is living in the home. You can choose not to question.

There isn't a lot you can do to make his homecoming easier if his affair is ongoing. It cannot be considered recovery until the affair is over. Reconciliation, maybe, though still flawed with an ongoing affair.

What is he willing to do to end the affair, and come home?

My H left 7 times, out of the house 14 out of 21 months. When he truly wanted me & the marriage, the affair was over THEN he didn't mind questions, or my calls, he didn't need "privacy", he opened up his life, email, voice mail to me and was accountable with his time.

We've been in recovery 3 1/2 years. Trust returns as his actions have been trustworthy. When/if his actions are odd, I ask. He realizes that is one of the consequences of his affair--I will ask and he needs to answer.

Why does your H want to come home if his affair is ongoing? Why do you want him to come home?

He said he will be free of her at the end of the month when he comes home. She be out of his life completely and I will not have anything to worry about. But I worry about ME at this point. I WORRY that I will push him back out with my mistrust. I don't think it's going to be easy getting trust back, especially when he said the same thing last time, although he said he felt a calm when he decided to come back home. That is what he said to the counselor and that he missed me. The thing that bothers me and will always bother me is WHY staying out till the end of the month...............Is that a man thing????????? Is that how he is setting himself up to leave her for good??????????????? That will bother me till I die............ I asked him before I die to tell me why he is putting me in this position to wait that long......... He said he doesn't know why, he just knows after that I will have nothing to worry about.............

I wouldn't let him come back until you have answers to those ?'s.

Seems to me he is just jumping from one to the other and back again to fit his needs and that he is not worried about OW or you.

If he means what he says, then be free of OW by end of the month and get your own place and when my ?'s are answered and you have gain my trust back, THEN you can come back home.

lefty,
It's true you can't control your H's actions, nor will you know if he's being truthful for awhile after he comes home.

Unfortunately, whether or not you can trust him is in part dependent on his actions:
If he ends the affair
If he comes home
If he doesn't resume contact
If he doesn't find another OW or addiction

And, since he's a repeat offender, he has re-broken your trust and crushed your hopes and it WILL take TIME and WORK on his part. His making you wait through this month is selfishness and disrespect to you on his part (I wouldn't point that out to him though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

Also, his saying he left because of YOUR actions is dodging responsibility of his actions...and not a good character indication.

You need to firmly believe that his affair and abandonment are NOT your fault. You didn't cause them, you didn't choose them.

What I would suggest you do is not accept his homecoming until the affair has been ended for a month or even 2 weeks, during which time the 2 of you "date"/spend time together. If he ends it now, then homecoming at the end of Feb. If he "must" continue the A to the end of Feb, then wait until the end of March.

If living on his own isn't convenient for him, that's a consequence of his actions in having his affair.

If he can't behave 2-4 weeks without the OW or without moving home, he wouldn't have done it for long in your home either. You aren't his conscience or jailer or keeper, you are his wife and if he is sincere, he will treat you with respect (or at least TRY), not selfishness in saying he's coming home on his time table.

Accept that you don't trust him and that you won't for awhile. Call it "wait and see".

What you can do is allow him the time and opportunity for his effort to prove out that you have no "worries" after this magical "end of the month".

Be specific about your expectations of his behavior, my suggestions and starting before he comes home:
-when you want him to call
-he will always call if he is more than 15 minutes late
-that you will randomly call him
-if he doesn't take the call, he will explain
-you have all his passwords
-you see his cell bill, itemized by call
-you see his credit card bills
-you go to X amount of marital counseling (if you want this)
-he will be patient & loving & compassionate when you ask him questions.
(make the list yours, some of these will be important to you, some won't, you may need other things)

Trust is fragile after infidelity, but if his actions are trustWORHTY, your trust will grow by small increments without your attention to it.

If he doesn't want to do the things you need him to, be open to negociation, but not to his selfishness.

Even under the best circumstances, you may never trust him wholeheartedly (if you once did), but, like Dr. Harley says with his own marriage, that's ok & probably a healthy thing to keep you both honest.

All you have to do right now is, if he ends the affair, is to give him a chance and with your own behavior, do not lovebust (there's a good description of those behaviors on this site if you haven't read up on them).

If you want your marriage, don't worry right now about trust. If recovery begins and later you discover you can't/won't trust him in the slightest, you can deal with it then, you don't have to decide whether you can or not this season.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

lefty,
He will not be free of her by the end of the month. I heard that to, and it took months before he was able to give her up. Months of hell for me. Do not let him come home. Make him get his own place and prove to you he is ready to earn your trust and respect again.

This was a duplicate thread, I moved Orchid's response here:

Orchid
Member
Member # 8823

posted February 20, 2004 05:19 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yep, leave him alone and go work on you. Your imagination may be your worst enemy. On the other hand your WS needs to realize it is a privilege not his right to come home.

So his EOM deadline s/b something you set. Not him. If he sets a deadlne you can be sure he has an agenda you may not approve of. Given that, what are you going to do? You could set your own agenda. What is that?

L.
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Posts: 8060 | Registered: Jan 2001 | IP: Logged |

I think I'm going nuts. As you know my husband is supposed to come home before Mar 2. We went out to dinner last night and of course he goes back to the O/W. I asked him if I would see him after his golf on Sun. He said he wasn't sure, so just do what I want, if he shows ok, if he doesn't show ok. Another waiting game for me. Am I paranoid by letting this bother me?????????? His O/W is in the hospital, he didn't lie when he told me that, I checked and she was admitted. Actually, I hope she croaks in there. Sorry, I've become an awful person since all of this. Before this happened, I wouldn't have wished that on anyone. I took him his cell phone this morning which he forgot. I was upset. He said "Don't worry, I'm coming home" Then why does he want this day to himself........ Wouldn't you think if she was in the hospital, he would want to be with me????????????? I just have great doubts about bringing him back. He still seems not to be able to break away from her. I just can't believe another week will make him totally mine............But I guess that's possible.......... I'll be glad when this is all over, either way-----I wouldn't wish this kind of life on anyone..............Thanks for letting me get this out of my system...............

I just can't believe another week will make him totally mine.
Any why would you think he will be “totally” yours in another week?
What has changed in the last year?
What are you doing differently and what is he doing differently? Nothing.

She’s in the hospital this week. He is supposed to “come home” next week and be “totally” yours.
Ain’t gonna happen.
He’s gonna have to check up on her “just to see how she is.” He’ll have to go “take care of her” a few times, get her some food, etc.

You really seem to enjoy playing “poor, poor pitiful me” but you do absolutely nothing to make it better.

If you WANT anything to change, you have to have a WRITTEN agreement with BEFORE he comes home. Don‘t let him come home and then expect anything to change. Why should it?

I would put all the stuff Lor suggested above.
If you do not do this, then you simply want to continue on as you have been because you have not take a single action to resolve ANYTHING.

<small>[ February 22, 2004, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Well, he picked up the O/W at the hospital I would say. Now when I talk to him tomorrow I will see if he tells me he did. My daughter said I shouldn't make a big deal of him picking her up, after all, he is in there with her. But I feel that should be a job for her relatives, not him.......Am I wrong???????? Should I just let this ride - I am really wondering now if he is coming back and if he will be trustworthy. All these little happenings........

Well, he picked up the O/W at the hospital I would say. Now when I talk to him tomorrow I will see if he tells me he did. My daughter said I shouldn't make a big deal of him picking her up, after all, he is in there with her. But I feel that should be a job for her relatives, not him.......Am I wrong???????? Should I just let this ride - I am really wondering now if he is coming back and if he will be trustworthy. All these little happenings........

Did you read my previous post?
Have you read ANYONE’S posts to you?
Why don’t you read what others post to you?
Why don’t you consider what anyone suggests to you?
Why don’t you make some response to what others suggest?

Do you feel the need to always be in crisis and not get a handle on YOUR situation?

But I feel that should be a job for her relatives, not him
It should be, but he wanted to do it so he did.

I am really wondering now if he is coming back
Probably. But I bet he won’t stay long.

and if he will be trustworthy.
Why do you even ask if he’s trustworthy? What has he done in the last year top show you ANYTHING you could trust him with.

<small>[ February 22, 2004, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 05:58 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

LEFTY.... THIS IS VERY FRUSTRATING!!! YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU WHAT IS RIGHT? SURE HE MIGHT COME HOME... BUT HE WILL BE BACK TO OTHER WOMAN! CHRIS SAID IT BETTER THAN I POSSIBILY COULD HAVE. I HAVE LURKED ON THIS BOARD FOR NEARLY A YEAR, AND DECIDED TO GET AN ACCOUNT SOLEY TO RESPOND TO YOUR POST. I KNOW THIS SEEMS HARSH, BUT IT HAS TO BE SAID, BECAUSE EVERY GOOD PEACE OF ADVICE SEEMS TO BE FALLING ON DEATHS EARS. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. I AM NOT SAYING THE AFFAIR IS YOUR FAULT, BUT YOUR PLAYING A BIG PART IN IT. YOUR NOT FOLLOWING THE MB WAY. YOU LB CONSTANTLY. I THINK THIS HAS MORE TO DO WITH, HAVING A PIECE OF MAN IS BETTER THAN HAVING NO MAN AT ALL. IT IS MORE, I WILL TAKE HIM BACK TO GET HIM AWAY FROM HER. HOW COULD HE JUST DUMP HER IN A WEEK TO NEVER EVER SEE HER AGAIN? IT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ANYONE! YOUR ALREADY WORRYING ABOUT HIM BEING LATE, HE IS NOT EVEN WITH YOU. UNDERSTAND THIS IF NOTHING ELSE; ONLY YOU CAN CONTROL YOU HAPPINESS. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF LEFTY. YOUR NOT LISTENING. PLEASE UNDERSTAND; THE OW MOST LIKELY DOES EVERYTHING THAT YOUR NOT DOING. I READ YOUR PREVIOUS POST ABOUT HE SAY HE IS NOT HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HER BECAUSE OF MEDICAL PROBLEMS, BUT HE IS CONNECTING WITH HER ON A HIGHER EMOTIONAL SEXUAL LEVEL AND REMEMBER THEIR IS ALWAYS ORAL... I KNOW THIS SEEMS HARSH, BUT I THINK YOUR LISTENING TO THOSE OF US; WHO SEEMS TO GIVE IT TO YOU THIS WAY. HOWEVER, I KNOW YOU WILL JUST READ AND PRETEND TO NOT HAVE READ IT. BUT IF YOUR GOING TO ASK FOR ADVICE AT LEAST HAVE THE COURTESY TO RESPOND TO THOSE WHO GIVE YOU ADVICE. PLEASE LISTEN TO CHRIS; HE IS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH OR THE OW WILL WHEN YOUR SWEET HUSBAND WHOM YOU SO DESPERATLY WANT ONCE AGAIN.

I did not realize I wasn't answering questions that some people ask. Some asked why do I want him home, and why do I want him home if the affair is ongoing. I want him home to save our marriage of 35 yrs. and he has said when he comes home this time he will be through with this O/W and I won't have to worry again. I told him if there is any doubt about it, DO NOT COME HOME because my health cannot take any more of this. He seems very sincere now and he said he felt an inner calm when he made the decision to come home, but he has to do it his own way. If he doesn't come home this weekend I will know I gave it my all in trying to preserve this marriage. He has agreed to counseling, NC letter. I have a question about this letter, can I put my own letter in with it and say if she follows him again and trys to approach him I will seek a restraining order against her. Is that allowed???????? Or should he write that? I feel she is not going to give up on him, especially since this is the second time he has gone in with her....But he seems to be willing to do all I ask WHEN he comes home. It did bother me that he said he didn't see my message from last night until this morning though. I know how to patch into his cell phone and retrieve the message and still let them there, and I know he did NOT just see that message THIS morning like he said, so he is still lying to me. That I don't like but I did not love bust and tell him otherwise. I am trying to do what you ask and I am listening. But its very hard because I see him not to love bust. It just bothers me to no end when I know he is lying and cannot tell him that. He did say he picked her up after I asked him, but he said he probably wouldn't of told me unless I asked. I don't like that either.

lefty---confronting him on lying isnt a LB. if you state it calmly and matter of factly, not hysterical, like i think you do.

you need to understand He picked her up from the hospital because she is his girlfriend. he is in her home because she is his girlfriend.

do not put anything in his NC letter.

good luck lefty---you really need to start listening.

I still do not think you are actually taking any of the above advice.

If you are here at MB and wanting to work on your M, then use the MB principles and apply them.

Telling your WH that he cannot move back in until he has ended A completely and there is absolutely NC is NOT and I repeat NOT, going to end your M and is NOT you NOT working on your M.

It IS keeping your WH from you continuing to let him play you.

If you want to sound and say things just like you are doing now -- 6 mos from now -- then that means you are still letting WH call all the shots and you are not applying MB principles.

and it continues... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I did not realize I wasn't answering questions that some people ask.
So now that you realize it, why don’t you consider what anyone suggests to you?
Why don’t you make some response to what others suggest?

I have a question about this letter, can I put my own letter in with it
No.

and say if she follows him again and trys to approach him I will seek a restraining order against her.
No.

Is that allowed????????
No. It is not something you would be able to do. He would have to get restraining order.

so he is still lying to me.
Why do you think he would not lie to you?

He is lying to you and continuing his affair, this is what he is doing in his "own way".

He is NOT a trustworthy person. You do not need to trust him until he has a track record of good, faithful behavior and is not breaking your heart every day.

Letting him come home this weekend, while he is in an ongoing affair TODAY, will not save your 35 year marriage.

His ending the affair, being accountable to the fact it has ended, THEN moving home is more likely to have a positive outcome.

You can of course let him come home and take that chance that he's telling the truth. But...if you already know he continues to lie to you now, do you really think that will change by next Tuesday?

I know you want your H home, just as I did in our 6 failed reconciliations...but it really isn't a good idea that he continues the affair and takes care of her and her ill health until March 1 and moves home March 2.

If she is ill and has not moved at least 2000 miles away by Tues, the affair will continue. His "peace" won't last.

That's more heartache.

You can't do this for him, he has to make that decision and live it for himself.

He is not living the decision to come home to you, he is continuing his affair.