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<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:02 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:02 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Well, all seems to be going ok. We discussed the phone, I changed the # and we agreed that he is not to give it out to anyone. All customer calls still should come through our home phone. I still am unsettled about him calling her. He has a cold now, but he seems a little nervous and out of sorts. I gave him a 20 min. back rub last night. I'm dying to really grab him and kiss him big time, but can't chance getting a cold. What rotten timing to get a cold. When he comes home to me. Oh well, life is tough sometimes. Hopefully we will survive this.....

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:03 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

My husband just called and said he would pick up my grand-daughter at school but before that he was stopping to go the bathroom. That made me very nervous. He could have gone right at my sons house where he ends his day. I called him and made believe I just wanted to tell him not to take my daughters dog out, I did, and he did answer about 40 min. after he called. He said he went in a port a potty down the street that he didn't know if my daughter -in -law was home. What do I do when I get suspicous at certain times? I hate that feeling of uncertainty. But he is home with me now, what if I did catch him with her or find out he is calling or still seeing her, then what????????? Why would he come home to me after being in her house 2 months and then still call her or meet her? Do some men still do that??????? I can see this is going tough getting through some of these days. But I will try to keep my cool and my blood pressure down.........

My husband just called and said he would pick up my grand-daughter at school but before that he was stopping to go the bathroom. That made me very nervous. He could have gone right at my sons house where he ends his day. I called him and made believe I just wanted to tell him not to take my daughters dog out, I did, and he did answer about 40 min. after he called. He said he went in a port a potty down the street that he didn't know if my daughter -in -law was home. What do I do when I get suspicous at certain times? I hate that feeling of uncertainty. But he is home with me now, what if I did catch him with her or find out he is calling or still seeing her, then what????????? Why would he come home to me after being in her house 2 months and then still call her or meet her? Do some men still do that??????? I can see this is going tough getting through some of these days. But I will try to keep my cool and my blood pressure down.........

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:04 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Can someone help me out..... I can't find the sample of the N/C letter. I've seen it but can't find where it is now.......Thanks

here ya go, lefty!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

Today is the fifth day he is home. All seems to be going ok. Last night I playted cards, he had the 2 grandkids, the phone was the problem, he always called her when I was at cards. So we reached an agreement that my mom kept the phone in her room till I came home. It seems kind of stupid, he can call her anytime during the day if he wanted to, but sometimes a habit is hard to break so taking precaution is better. He says he feels confident enough that we don't have to go to the counselor. But I feel we should still go. I do get unedge when his day is ending. I wish he had a 9 - 5 job. It would be easier. I'll keep you posted. Thanks

Listen to this. This morning I got a call, the man said he was from the sheriff's dept. and if my husband does not stop putting notes in the O/W paper she will get a restraining order and have him put in jail. My husband came home Sunday after being with the O/W since Jan 6. He said it was finished. So I got in my car and I knocked on the O/W door and asked if I could speak to her. She said yes come in. She did not call the Sheriff's dept and say this about the restraining order but my husband did put notes in her paper. She even gave me the card he put in this week since he's been home with me. It's an "I miss you card." and he wrote in it how he is missing her and passing her house hoping to see her. This man is sick. I told her I will still tell him that she has a restraining order against him if he ever came near her place again. She agreed....... He told her he was going to stay with his daughter and that his cancer is back and in his intestines and he only has about a yr. and 1/2 to live and he does not want to put her through this. I told her he is home with me..So he has been lying to her also. She feels he incapable of loving anyone. And he has been sleeping with her in her room, not in his own seperate room. And they have had sex. So why can't he get it up for me now???????????????? Or is she lying??????? He told her I wasn't giving him sex..........So he is a patholoigical lier.........What shall I do now???????????????????? Should I show him the card now or wait until I get an appt. with a counselor this week????????????? I as in a real pickle at this point...........Help!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lefty, show him the card and tell him what the sheriff said.

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:04 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Lefty,
Hmmm, if the OW didn't call the Sheriff...who called you?

It never was very likely that as your H said, you'd have "no worries". A WS rarely goes from living with the OW one day to moving home the next without more contact. It was one of the reasons I urged an in between place/time so that he could make the break and begin accountable behavior, if he was going to.

Of course he lied to her. Lying and affairs are inseparable. A WS might not start out lying to the OP, but if the WS is seeing both the BS & OP, there will be lies to both.

Like Melody says, tell him someone from the Sheriff's dept called, that you've talked to the OW and you know he's been writing cards to her since he has been home.

Ask him to follow through with the no contact letter. I suspect he won't do so without talking to the OW at least once more.

You are in the very early days of reconciliation and it is not unusual for those days to be rather horrid until the WS gets their mind and behavior straightened out.

If you still want your marriage, remain as calm as you can, with no lovebusters, but talk honestly and tell him that this is the behavior you feared and it is unacceptable and against what he himself promised.

And start those counseling appointments.

Recovery is a process, it rarely happens in one day, one week, one month, and often not even in a year.

Yes- We are going to counseling this week as soon as I can get an appt. I am at a loss in dealing with this. Right now I seem emotionless so even LoveBusting is non existant. He left the card 2 days after he was home and even called her that day but she did not answer. He always used to say " think of me just going home to a room, not her." But he was sleeping with her in HER room she said. And she says they did have sex. So I asked him. He said every night she gave him Oral sex. So now I know why he kept going back. His need was being filled alright. So I said to him why the hell did you come back to me if you are so enjoying her so much. He said he doesn't love her, he loves me. But he did love getting what she was giving him. So sad, she has given him her all and he has **** on her too. How can someone be so cruel just to get his needs fulfilled. In a way I feel sorry for her but she messed with a married man so she got burned. He said he felt he left her too quickly on Sunday just to go there, pack up in 45 min. and leave. He said he could tell she was mad, so he left the card and tried to call her to talk a little. I said to him I can't imagine how he could even do that, he says he does things without thinking and when its done its too late. That worries me. Well, at least he is agreeing to counseling. But meeting his needs right now is going to be rough. Just knowing this makes me numb. And then he said she was good at it. Tough act to follow, but I can only be me, and he says he doesn't want me to be her. I can really understand that, he enjoyed her, but he doesn't want a permanent woman like that. He really took her for a ride too........Is this common with men??????????????? It seems like I'm losing interest in him more and more each day. Will I ever be able to forgive him?????????????????

lefty,
You already knew he had lied to you, right? You maybe weren't certain what details were a part of his lies, but surely, since he was living with her you suspected that he was sleeping/having sex with her? Is this really new or unexpected information for you, despite that he had denied it?

Think this through, the lying and sex part is not new. And, not to rub salt in your wounds, but I doubt very much that if she was giving him oral sex every night that he wasn't doing something for her. So prepare yourself for that too.

Right now your husband is not trustworthy, he had not earned your trust through consistant trustworthy behavior. If he can change his behavior and stays with it, you can choose to extend forgiveness to him. You can also dump him and later forgive him if you wish.

Right now he is continuing to injure you and it will be hard to start forgiving, so I wouldn't worry about that right now.

The other thing is, the 2 of you should be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. It is an unfortunate consequence of his behavior that makes it necessary.

He's already on his second reconciliation chance with you, maybe his third...if his bad behavior continues, you lovebank will drain and you will begin feeling less like making this effort. You can guard against that and act according to your mindset rather than emotions, but the drain too is a natural consequence for what he is doing.

And...In case I sound cold, I'm truly sorry that you are suffering such hurt and disappointment.

^^^^^lefty?????

lefty?????

Anyone heard from her?????

bb

Sorry - I'm still here. Thank you Blondblossem for thinking of me. I rode with him all week on his lawn jobs. Had nothing better to do and he ok so I did. I would have done nothing but worry while he was out anyway. That I am definitely have to get over. Here's what happened, came home Sunday, all seemed good till Sat. when I received that call saying it was the Sheriff's Dept. and for him to stop leaving her love notes in the paper. I went and told him about it and then went to see her as to what is going on. I have the card he left in her newspaper 2 days after he left, on his birthday, no less. I MISS YOU -mind, body, heart, and soul! Inside he wrote he passed her house 2 times to see if he could see her, reminded him of high school days. His thoughts were of her to leave her for what he did, he will beg her to forgive him if he is wrong. "No one could mean so much as you do to me." "Those times we had where we couldn't get close enough together I'll remember forever." "This says it all." He has lied to her and me both. She says she would not take him back because of the hurt he has caused her. Who knows. The lady is in love with him even though she says that she thinks he isn't capable of love. Plus this is the clincher. He might have gotten tired of her, but she sure enjoyed him. For all them times he went back to her 7 weeks last yr., and now 2 months this yr., she enjoyed giving him ORAL sex as someone had said they could have considering he is impotent. I am sorry I know this now. He told me that because I told him she said they slept together and had sex, which shocked me because he couldn't with me. You know what got me, when I was in the hospital, he waited till my mom went to sleep, and went and slept over her house for 3 days....Would you believe that!!!! I can't believe I'm even fighting for this man. He even came home with such a bad cold, he is still coughing constantly, he went to the Dr. Thursday $190.00 worth later because he insisted on her still sleeping with him when she said she would sleep in another room when she had such a bad cold. Good for the B ____________. I am angry all over again........ And this isn't the end of it. On Wed. I woke up and came out to the kitchen and the phone as 5:45 am was on the newspaper. I was mad, and went over to my daughters and told him I know he called her.......... He denied it and said I am paranoid about her........But how did the phone get on the morning newspaper??????? He is a dam lier and I feel will never be honest with me....She even said the same thing. He told her he was going back to his daughter's house, and that his test results show that his cancer is back and he only has 1 1/2 yrs. to live. Would you believe that.... I told her he is with me and not dying. Although I felt like going home and killing him then. And this is awful to say, but when I hear him coughing so much and bad I wonder if he dropped dead in front of me at this point would I care. I know that's an awful thing to say and I can't believe I even think such a thing... All in all, this man still told the counselor, who we saw on Wed., that he does not want to have anything to do with this lady again, and he loves me.......Go figure...... So I am still trying not to love bust with all this, I did when I saw the phone by the paper, but that was it. How long do I have to put up with this S _ _ t, I can't throw him out again, but I am being hurt so bad I wonder how long I can tolerate it. I told my Dr. on my visit, and he is worried about me with the stress and heart at this point. I told my husband about what he said and he said that's what we are trying to work out......Do you think he will always remain a lier?????????? And how do I compete with what she gave him........ I DO NOT go that route and he doesn't want me to......I feel like he always compare me to her......She actually told me he said to her " Your the only one who can turn me on." I really wished she hadn't said that to me..... What a hell I'm living in now..... Will it ever get better?????????????????? Sorry this is like a book, but I feel better now writing this....... Hope I hear some answers that will make me feel better...... PS - She went away to her hometown and her kids for awhile I know, she said to my husband she is going to sell the house,,,wouln't that be great.....

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:05 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>