As I'm sitting here reading through this site I find it comforting to see that others are struggling with some of the same issues. I do find this site overwhelming and I can get lost in it for hours I'm still searching for a direction. Our marriage is so far gone and we are both so burnt out I'm not even sure where to begin. The concepts seem so simple and make sense, but finding the desire or energy to pull off a few love bank deposits seems so far off.

There is not one thing that is going right in my marriage. Married for 14 years, 3 kids later and I had an affair 6 years ago which I made the mistake of telling my husband about in hopes of either going our separate ways or actually committing to fixing our problems. We've been to several counselors and marriage seminars but don't seem to follow through with the assignments or suggestions. It's like we go through the motions but only hope to pay someone else to fix our problems.

My husband says he is not giving up on our marriage but yet does not even try to turn things around with me. We can't seem to talk about anything and now he won't even try to talk to me other than about the day to day life routines and coordinating kid care. He can not let go of the affair and I can't seem to find a way to help him through it, he can't sleep and refuses to seek help from a counselor and/or anti-depressants. The scariest part is I could easily see myself falling back into the habit of finding comfort and satisfaction elsewhere and that scares me! It seems if I don't figure out a way to fix it then I have to be the one to leave and move on with life so he can still fall into the "victim" role and blame it all on me. Yes I admit I was wrong in having an affair - but I'm ready to move on (it was 6 years ago!) and am tired of doing it on my own.

Of course there are all kinds of reasons why things aren't going well...everything from finances, arguments over how to parent, no common interests or time for each other, etc etc...

I can see I'm just babbling on and on now so I will end this but I could use some words of encouragement or fresh ideas. I'm tired of this lonely relationship.

Dear blevit--

Our lives are what we make them. If you truly want/desire your marriage to turn around, YOU MUST MAKE THE TIME.

That being said-- I believe we are each responsible for shaping our lives into what we crave and desire.

If your H is currently too withdrawn to make a life with you, try creating one for the both of you. Schedule yourself in on his calendar-- these do not have to be $$$ things (ie: walk in park, rent/watch DVD together, scrabble, coffee house date, etc.).

Attempt to pull him back in... verbally tell him how much you value him, desire him, etc.

I'm guessing that with continued prompting, actions, and verbal cues he will eventually come around.

Best of luck! ~Marie

Hi blevit,

It sounds like you both are in a rut.Are you in counseling yourself even though H won't go? How about books? What have you read so far?

Continuing to blame you for an affair that happened 6 years ago isn't right but what that may signify is that you both haven't made the necessary changes of those darn old habits to make your marriage better,or even make yourself happier.You cannot depend on someone else,even a spouse to make you happy.You first have to have that within yourself and any other good feelings that you have related to your husband is like icing on the cake.But maybe it's time for some serious introspection? Also your H really has to wake up and see the seriousness of where you are at now because your marriage is at stake and your children deserve a chance at having a stable, happy family.


What you described as "things" that aren't going well in your marriage are what we ALL go through to some degree.So recognizing that no matter what relationship you are in,you are going to face the same(life) so it's best that you get your buns in gear and get off that pity pot.

Have you read the book,'Relationship Rescue' by Dr.Phil? I found this book to be worthwhile in putting forth ACTIVE ways of changing your negative behavior in a relationship.Have you done the EN's questionnaires in FULL and implemented them? Sounds like you have not.The area of recreational activities section for couples to address in the questionnaire is very long so there must be at least a few things in there that you both would enjoy together.Making positive changes in YOU is sometimes the first step in getting an uninterested spouse to join in the partnership.Sort of like being the pied piper."Look at me,I'm havig a great time,come join me!" Get the kids to help/involved you if you can.

I know it can be hard to get a spouse to play their part in a marriage and I'm not trying to say that you haven't tried but it's time for a new plan of action right? Maybe it's time to sit down with your H and really lay it on him,lovingly,how serious this is right now and that you are giving him a *wakeup call that you need his help.You are unable to fix the marriage on your own and you both are in danger of losing the love that you have for each other,etc.Look him squarely in the eyes when you tell him.Let him know that this situation is NOT working for you and you want to make it better but you need his help.A marriage is a partnership and you would like for him to seek help,again because doing nothing isn't working,etc.

Lastly,perhaps your H is clinically depressed and if so,not seeking treatment is detrimental to his health and may help to explain his insomnia and lack of desire in working on your marriage,it is a good possibility.Maybe you can encourage your H,if not done so already,to just get a complete physical and to call his doctor ahead of time(secretly) and explain what the situation is so that maybe his doctor can discuss AD's with him in that setting versus a MC.Just a thought.

One other thought,I sympathize with how hard your situation is but remember what you said about seeing yourself falling back into the habit of finding comfort...elswhere... I'm glad it scares you but it will not help matters and you know that.Divorce your H before putting him through that again,don't seek solace in another man.Don't GO there!

O

blevit....

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry that things are in such a state of affairs (pun intended), but the good news is, this is where you need to be.

This is a pro marriage site, and the founder firmly believes that an affair (A) does not have to mean the end of a marriage, or, just living in semi-peaceful coexistance.

Firstly, you did the right thing by fessing us the (A). Otherwise you would be living the rest of your life waiting on it to sneak up and bite you at the worst possible time.

Secondly, you believe things can be better, because you posted here.

Thirdly, people here are very supportive, and many are brilliant in the advice they give.

Now, what to do? Go out and purchase a copy of Surviving an Affair. Read it and understand the dynamics and the philosophy. You should also try to find a pro-marriage counselor, ideally who is familiar with the MB philosophy.

You are simply looking for more in your marriage. Nothing wrong with that. You should be commended for taking the step of posting here. Surviving an Affair will give you a great deal of guidance on how to do that. Then you can follow up with His Needs/Her Needs.

It may well be the A was never fully understood, explained, or, proper closure to the damage was never experienced. SAA will give you a plan to follow, and other posters here will give you more examples of great books to read, that are similar in content.

Take action now. Don't hesitate. Every day you don't take action is another day in a marriage that is unfulfilling, and perhaps on the verge of collapse.

Post here, vent here, primal scream here, read other posts and realize you are certainly not alone in your situation, and, believe you can make a difference.

These boards have been really active lately, sad a commentary as that is on life in the world today, but be patient, and bump your post with a footnote, if you are being overlooked.

You have really found a great place in these forums and the MB site. You can explore the MB site in detail by going to the top of the forum page and clicking on "HOME"

Welcome again... take off your shoes and stay a while