I finally made an attempt to talk to my H about our miserable marriage and now need to make sense of it all.
Married 14 years, 3 kids and 6 years after I had an EA we are still struggling and not making any progress (yes we've been the IC and MC route).
I'm frustrated that all our talk seems to be about problems, financial, kids, the usual topics and my H is so down and out he doesn't ever offer any creative ideas on how to fix things. I'm always the one to make plans to get out and enjoy life and when I asked him to plan something for a date night he refuses saying he's done it in the past and I should be showing the interest. I'm tired of living with the regret and constant reminder of my mistakes and the EA - I find myself getting mad and saying it was 6 years ago let's move on.
I need my H to be a partner that can work through this with me. We can't afford MC right now and have been several times before but never did our part to follow through and make it work. We tried to discuss what our needs from each other were tonight and I feel terrible now. Yes, I have distanced myself and built walls (okay maybe a fortress) to hide my feelings and loneliness behind. I'm short tempered with the kids and tired from working all the time, bitter that H doesn't have a steady job or pull his weight with household duties. But these are all outside the real issue and that is making US work again. H is so convinced that I don't love him anymore and I'm so down and out I'm not sure if I can pull this off. My actions definitely don't show love for him.
All I heard tonight was that I am self centered and want to control everything and need to look at me before I can even begin to look at our marriage. I know this is true - I've been stuck handling finances, kids and everything on my own for so long. Now I'm doubting I can pull this change off. I'm a strong woman, I'm not sure what it means to give up "control". How can I force myself to show affection, hugs, conversation or anything else and not be "fake"? Am I really supposed to give up who I am for H to like me again? Please share any ideas that I might be able to transform myself into a more loving wife.

blevit,

Read the basic concept about instinct and habit. At first the actions are not natural to you but when it becomes habit it be there w/o you realizing it.

Compare today & 6 years ago ... what changes you have made in M to convince him this M could be different ?.

Love is a choice, it seems that you still have it for yor H. However romantic love or in-love could be recreated.

Find out about his ENs and fill it up 'till overflowing. You hope he will start see the light and return to fill in your needs. Otherwise at specific time you will have to go to plan B.

Read HNHN and even SAA.

-rh-

Thanks for comment - comparing now to 6 years ago is an eye opener. Amazing how one comment can jolt the thinking in the right direction.

Stick with redhat's advice. He is an expert.

Read the information on the home page (quick clicks) about overcoming resentment, and restoration of marriage.

Sometimes both people are waiting for the other one to do the work. If you start, hopefully H will jump in.

blevit....

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry that things are in such a state of affairs (pun intended), but the good news is, this is where you need to be.

This is a pro marriage site, and the founder firmly believes that an affair (A) does not have to mean the end of a marriage, or, just living in semi-peaceful coexistance.

Firstly, you did the right thing by fessing us the (A). Otherwise you would be living the rest of your life waiting on it to sneak up and bite you at the worst possible time.

Secondly, you believe things can be better, because you posted here.

Thirdly, people here are very supportive, and many are brilliant in the advice they give.

Now, what to do? Go out and purchase a copy of Surviving an Affair. Read it and understand the dynamics and the philosophy. You should also try to find a pro-marriage counselor, ideally who is familiar with the MB philosophy.

You are simply looking for more in your marriage. Nothing wrong with that. You should be commended for taking the step of posting here. Surviving an Affair will give you a great deal of guidance on how to do that. Then you can follow up with His Needs/Her Needs.

It may well be the A was never fully understood, explained, or, proper closure to the damage was never experienced. SAA will give you a plan to follow, and other posters here will give you more examples of great books to read, that are similar in content.

Take action now. Don't hesitate. Every day you don't take action is another day in a marriage that is unfulfilling, and perhaps on the verge of collapse.

Post here, vent here, primal scream here, read other posts and realize you are certainly not alone in your situation, and, believe you can make a difference.

These boards have been really active lately, sad a commentary as that is on life in the world today, but be patient, and bump your post with a footnote, if you are being overlooked.

You have really found a great place in these forums and the MB site. You can explore the MB site in detail by going to the top of the forum page and clicking on "HOME"

Welcome again... take off your shoes and stay a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It may well be the A was never fully understood, explained, or, proper closure to the damage was never experienced. SAA will give you a plan to follow, and other posters here will give you more examples of great books to read, that are similar in content.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blevit, this is what happened in my M. I had had a very short lived A but the damage done to my H was devastating. We did good for a while after D-day, but we never fully recovered. My H has hung my A over my H for over 5 years, and instead of trying to understand his resentment and hurt, I bulit up a wall too. I couldn't take the constant bashing and reminders of how I hurt him. So I stopped communicating with him, I couldn't bear it, he made me feel so low. I wish I had found this site 5 years ago.

It doesn't sound like its too late for your M, as I think it is for mine. Now my H began an EA 10 months ago and is convinced we don't belong together. He wants to leave me.

Please don't give up on him. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. I wish I had. . . maybe things would be different.

Your H has so much resentment built up, as mine does, read all you can here and encourage your H to too. Its free, not like MC.

Good luck and God bless you