My W of 18 years recently had an EA that she insists was not PA. I believe her and have confronted the OM and he said the same thing. I believe him. There has been NC since December when I overheard a telephone conversation between them and confronted her and him. I initially became suspicious a month or two earlier after noticing she would not answer some calls on her cell phone, but return the call after I was out of sight, big changes in her appearance (tanning, working out, thongs etc.)and general flirtiness with men in general. She was always very self-conscious and never flirted in my presence. We had a seemingly perfect M- not even a fight during the entire M. She has since said that I was not providing emotional support for the things that were important to her and I ackowledge that. Nevertheless, the EA came as a shock and I have had a hard time with it. OM was long-time mutual friend and married with 3 kids. For about 4 months my W invited them into our home, always included them in our plans and even went out of town as couples. We have been to a MC for two months and she has confessed to the EA, although she downplays the significance of it. She says that our M is the most important thing to her and that she will love me everyday from now on if I will let her. Again, I believe her, but we are struggling.

One thing I did to see how much they talked was to obtain her cell phone records. She knows I have seen them, but does not know what records I have or what they actually show. I have detailed bills and her normal statement did not include detail. I feel as though we cannot heal properly unless I show her the detail since this will show her (in my opinion, but what do I know) the immensity of her conduct and that it was a serious breach of trust. Over a period of 4 1/2 months there were 500+ call entries (over 3 per day). Remember, she has played her EA down as no big deal. She has not asked to see the records.

I have thought about taking them to our next MC session and laying the statements out with the monitor there. On the other hand, one side of me says to forget it. Does anyone have the same experience or thoughts?

Yes my wife called like clockwork at least three times a day. After dropping off the kids, at lunch and before picking up the kids. Those were everyday then plenty of others to boot.

I would be very leery of the story its just an EA. That level of emotional closeness makes me wonder how it stayed at just that level.

I would look long and hard at the calling patterns. Pay close attention to calls made to him when you were not around or when she was away from you say on business trips.

Sorry to raise this redflag but for most women to have an affair they need a good deal of emotional connection first and that level of calling is the same as my WWs pattern during her 30 month EA turned PA for 20 months.

I understand your thoughts and had them myself. The calls started in August and ended in December when I confronted her. Knowing her schedule during that time, I do not see the opportunity. I may never know, but as of now I believe her and the OM. Clearly, things could have been going that way because after New Years her schedule slowed down.

I take it from your thoughts you would not show her the records.

I believe I'd hold on to the records for a while. Get the book, Surviving an Affair, and educate yourself as to the anotomy of an affair, and how to handle yourself at all times while you are trying to heal your marriage.

Stunned dad has a really good point. I would study those call patterns, and look for other clues, as well, that it might have become a PA.

The feelings your WW is going through put her in a position of guilt, remorse, pain for what she's done, but it seems that many WS's want to downplay the significance of the A so as not to further hurt YOUR feelings. That's one very strong reason many affairs are fully found out over a time period, and with some snooping by the BS.

Read the book, continue counseling, and keep what you have found close to your chest for a while. At least until you have read the portions of the book that apply to confrontation, and how to handle it properly. That's my take.

Well I would study them first.

Then share them with her so she realizes just how deep she was in it.

One thing my wife was floored on was when we journaled all of the affair. She did realize how long it had been going on...thought little of a year but it was 2 1/2.

Thought they had only slept together a little more than a dozen time...number way off because she thought affair was shorter.

And the part that relates to you sincerely thought she talked to him 6 to 10 times a week. Called him as many as 80 on her cell one month. Called also from work and on rare occassions from home. Plus he called her as well.

As to not having time well my wife never met him after hours but once in 2 1/2 years. Everything happened during 8 to 5 with the exception of a half dozen routine business trips for trade shows and seminars. I had none of the tips of staying late for work or going off to shop for long hours at a time. They kept everything compartmentalized during business hours and travel only. And they don't work together they are simply in the same field.

Understand neither of them would admit to a PA if one had happened.

The MC has wanted to call the A "consultations". This is based on believing what my W has said. The only statement my W has made in counseling is that OM made her "feel good" when they talked. She is very project oriented and volunteers a lot. The OM is associated with church and sought her help on many projects, then gave her a lot of praise for a job welldone. She has also said in counseling that OM has expressed some unhappiness in his own marriage. To this the MC properly said that someone else can console him on that issue. My W and OM have known each other since grade school. On the surface, I understand that some phone calls are required to get the job done, whatever it is. However, when the MC called it "consultations" I did not then have the cell phone records. Now I do, and the number of calls was surprising, to say the least.

Stunned-Dad- I have done as you suggested and looked at the records in more detail. There are many calls at all times of day, including some that appear to be while we were out together. She must have gone to the bathroom. I even noticed two calls while we were decorating the family Christmas tree. I plan to look at things more carefully before deciding whether or how to discuss the phone bills with her.

maduro

You will see that many experts refer to the "addictive" nature of affairs.

Like an addict she had to have that fix that call regardless of what was going on at that time..for example as you noted decorating the Christmas tree.

Its clear how deeply addicted to the affair she was. Note I say affair because in the vast majority of cases its not an addiction to the other person but the affair itself.

I just strongly urge you to recognize this level of addiction shown in the number of calls and ask yourself is it reasonable for someone to be that obsessed with a person or an affair and yet not have gone too far.

I am not trying to plant things in your mind just wanting you be objective. Understand most WSs deny until they have no other choice.

Hi maduro,

I think the call records are an important piece of "evidence" here so IMO you should show them to WW.

Look at what your WW is DOING versus what she is saying.That should be your best,if there can be a best,indicator of how in depth the relationship was.My WH cell phone records were off the charts when he wss knee deep in his A and he now is saying that they only talk about work and family issues.BS! He spends 2-3 hours at a time talking about work and family? I don't think so.

One thing I have found out too is how much a WS will downplay the A so as not to seem so sordid and hurtful to you.They will lie right to your face,or speak half truths or even circumnavigate the whole issue altogether if they so choose.At this point,it would be foolish to believe what WW and most especially OM says about the A until you can get more specific facts.

As an example,my WH is now trying to convince me that he wants to reconcile and is saying "good bye forever" to his homewrecker even though for the entire past month he has been calling her almost every single day.Well,this just doesn't add up.Actions speak louder than words.Like stunned dad said,she is addicted and may still be,just keep looking at what she is doing.Keep a folder,like I have,of records of everything.

Keep your guard up for now.Be skeptical first and trusting later.

O