I must say that this site has been a blessing. I think the wealth of information and support from the counselors here and everyone who has been through one of the worst pains in life, such as is being betrayed by a spouse, is tremendoulsy helpful.
I posted some time back about my situation. The short version of it is that I am struggling due to an A by my spouse. It has been over a year since discovery day. A big problem is that when we were dating she had been unfaithful, but she does not consider that as important. I had forgiven and buried all of that, and as evidence I still married her. On those ocassions, her infidelity was only emotional and I believe her. We both were raised in a conservative environment at a time when a woman who had been intimate with anyone before marriage was not considered a good marriage candidate.
Twenty years later, the first opportunity that she has to travel alone, she meets one friend from her past and WHAM! She supposedly went to see family, but for some circumstances her parents had to travel away from there.
All she says is that she does not know what happened to her and asks for forgiveness. She is a very beautiful woman, but I have a very difficult time getting close to her. I have recurring nightmares and visions of her with someone else. When I have those nightmares, I wake up upset and cannot get back to sleep. I thought seriously about ending it all, but she asked me to stay together for the children, who are still small.
I really missed the wife that I had, but now she is gone. I know that a big part of my problem is doing away with my values. I always thought of adultery as an abominable sin. When we both married, we both valued the fact that we had not been intimate with anyone else. In fact, there are many thinks that i thought that she believed in and valued, but I found out that she broke almost everyone of those values. I know we are all humans and we make mistakes, but at the same time one does not intentionally hurt a loved one. Deep and honest love should provide a safeguard against temptation.
How can I move on? Will I ever stop seeing those images? Is it wrong to want to have a pure and undefiled marriage? Is it wrong to want to have a moral spouse?

I suffer for her because I now feel that if she did what she did was because she was not happy and was missing something, which now will be more difficult for me to give.

Why me- Hi there. I'm sorry that you are hurting and I don't really have alot of advice to offer since I am the WS. But, I just wanted to say that if your W is showing you that she's sorry and showing you that she wants to work on the M, then it'll be alot easier for you to want to stay. But, if she's saying that she only wants to stay together for the children and then not attempting to heal the M, then you're going to have these feelings of wondering whether it's even worth it. You can't be the only one providing love in the relationship, she (especially now) has to show you that she loves you too and that she WANTS to be M to you. Is she doing this for you or is she just sitting back and waiting to see how you're going to comfort her and heal her pain?
It needs to be a 2 way street, otherwise you're never going to feel like she stayed because she loves you. You'll feel like she stayed because of the kids and because she had no better place to go (she stayed out of convenience).
I hope this helps a little.

Why Me, an immoral person would feel no remorse about her acts. Does she feel any remorse?

Even the most moral person in the world has difficulty overcoming temptation when they are starved for something that is missing in thier life. I hear and fully understand your consternation because I felt the same way as you!

However, well meaning, decent people can fall into temptation when they have needs that are not being met at home and/or they have a poorly developed self image that allows them to do something that will impair their self respect. Even the most moral people can do wrong things.

What constitutes morality is NOT in being perfect [none of us are!] but in trying to live according to a set of standards and when we fail, to make amends for that failure and correct our behavior. THAT is a moral person, WhyMe. Being moral does NOT mean that we are always perfect. Another moral principle is FORGIVENESS of a repentent person who asks your forgiveness.

What are y'all doing to address the problems in the marriage that led to this? That will be the key and if they are resolved, you can walk away with a better marriage than you ever had.

I should also point out that your anger and disgust is a normal part of recovery that often presents itself around 9-12 months. You may be at the hump, which means once you get over the hump, you will start to feel better about your situation.

Jazzey Girl:

You said in your post, I made my commitment and I said my vows. Though my spouse may not have taken his seriously I did. ." That is exactly how I feel because I never believed in divorce as a solotion to marital problems, but adultery is perhaps the worst offense against someone.
You also said, " Don't you think your W and the mother of your children deserves a second chance? Don't you deserve a second chance at having a happy marriage? A happy family? " The answer is influenced by the fact that it is not the second nor the third chance. Although this is the first time while married, she did it several times while dating and to her that was not important. While I had buried that, her actions unearthed those painful moments.

She is making efforts to not be the angry person that she has always been. She tries to be close to me, but I shy away because of the discomfort in knowing of what she is capable of doing. She used to say that she would never betray me, not even in thought. She did. She said, she hates lies and she lied. She used to say that it is horrible to find out your partner lives a double life, she lived that life. She said she would not do me harm and she lied about me, and I question how she is capable of entrusting others what would be considered intimate or private.

SG: Thanks for your thoughts. She is working with a counselor, but I do not know what aspect of her life she is working on. I see she is making an effort to correct her anger management. She unfortunately carries too much damage done to her by her parents and has insecurity issues (i.e., unjustified jealousy). I have tried through all these years to provide support and help to overcome that, but I failed.

ML: I think the definitions of morality are largely influenced by the society we live in and that is sad. Today it is "perfectly OK" to shack up with anyone before marriage. Adultery is glorified and the betrayed spouse is made feel guilty for not meeting the unfaithful spouses needs. Believe me, if that were the case, I would have strong motives to be the one to have transgressed.

I still care for her and she is and will be a special person in my life because she is the mother of my children. But I really dislike myself for being so conservative and not being able to put aside "morality and values". I remember when I was single saying that I would never marry someone with a past. Well, I have to eat my words. The fire and passion that I felt are gone. I used to want her all the time and she would be tired, had a headache, etc. Now I avoid her and unconsiously turn away from her. I am so devastated and broken by all that has happened, but I feel I have to be the strong one to provide support. It breaks my heart to see her sad and I get so angry with myself for not being able to be as affectionate as I was before.