How is one suppose to handle it when your wife tells you that her first love has moved into her dad's house where she and our kids are living and that they are Soul Mates?

Short answer...really badly.


Why in the world would her dad allow that?


ayslyne

I am not sure the circumstances behind him being there. I have been told 2 different stories. I am not sure which to believe. My wife told me that her brother called him because her dad is seriously ill and the other story is that her dad called him.

<small>[ February 21, 2004, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: RaceFan8 ]</small>

Hi dodgerfan,

It might be better if you post your whole story here for many users to see and respond.Also,do some reading first about abbreviations and MB concepts so we can best try to help.

In addition,I personally do not believe in "soul mates" but more on that later.

O

I believe in soulmates. That is what every WS says. So it must be true.

believer LOL


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

First of all I don't know what the abbreviations are, so please bear with me.

Here is the short story. I am in the military and currently on the way home from being deployed since August 2003. Since I have been gone this friend of my wife showed up and everything has gone south since. She has been accused of sleeping with him and everything else that goes along with it. The accusations have made by both her family and mine. All of this started right before Thanksgiving and have progessively gotten worse. She used to e-mail all the time and now I am lucky to get one a week. She is constantly running around town with him, spending all of our money on him. I have only met the guy one time a few years back. She told me the other day when I called her from the port we were in that they are Soul Mates, that he is waiting in the wings for her, that she does not want to sleep with me when I get home, which is in a couple of days. Our 12th Anniversary is 5 days after I get home, we have been together for over 14 years and We have 2 children. I am not sure how to handle this situation. If anyone can give me some good advise that would be great.

RaceFan8
Married almost 12 years
Been Together over 14
2 Children
Military in California

Racefan, I would go home and first assess the situation and then decide how to proceed. Have things been bad in your marriage? Can she explain why she turned to this other man?

Melody,

Getting home and assessing the situation is one thing that I am planning on doing and that is a great idea. As for our marriage, we have had some bad times just like everyone does, but we have a lot more good times. When I am home and not underway/deployed we are always together, going out, spending time with our kids. As for the other guy, I have no idea. She has known this guy for over 20 years. This is actually the second time that I have heard about the two of them sleeping together. The first time was when I deployed in 1996 or 1998. I really don't remember which one it was. She keeps telling me that he would never cross the line of breaking our marriage up. I don't really agree with that. I have a trust problem with this guy. I completely trust my wife though.

Do you know where I can find a listing of the abbreviations that I should be using?

RaceFan8

RaceFan,I hope Mortarman sees your thread and posts here. He went through the exact same situation as you. While deployed his wife had an affair. They are working things out now after a long ordeal.

I found a list of abbreviations for you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000557

oh, and don't worry about learning the abbreviations! We know what you mean.

Melody,

Thank you. I am just at loss of what to say to her anymore. It seems like everything that I say she just rips my head off. The last port visit we had I called her the second day we were there because of the time difference and she totally ripped my head off for calling. But then I called her back 2 days later and it was like nothing was going on. I called her the next day so I could talk to our children (son is 9 and daughter is 8) and she again ripped my head off. Then to top it off the phone card I was using ran out of time and cut off our conversation. I am pretty sure that she thinks that I hung up on her and I didn't. I just don't know what to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

RaceFan8

RaceFan, her anger is pretty normal for a spouse that is misbehaving. What they do is manufacture greivances against the BS [that is you = betrayed spouse] in order to justify their wrong doing. So it helps justify her demonization if she can bait you into an angry response. The key is to not respond to it. If you respond, you only give her ammunition.

I am so sorry that all this is going on while you are deployed. How unfair that you should have to deal with this when you are away from home.

I won't pretend that it will be easy, but it is not hopeless, RaceFan, and you will get lots of support around here in resolving your marital problems.

Melody,

Thank you for your support. It is nice to know that someone out there understands what I am going through. I have had some really great support from some of my shipmates onboard here. Like you said earlier, I am going to have to wait until I get home and assess the situation.

racefan

Better start reading here like mad. Be prepared for her to be cold, blaming you, saying the marriage was bad, she needs space, she has found her soulmate, blah, blah, blah. They usually say the same things, which we call fogese.

Apache is in the same place you are. Read his posts. Also mortarman.

You can start in Plan A. Read all about it here. It is very difficult to do, so prepare yourself. Come here for support, your shipmates will probably start telling you to divorce her. We will help you save your marriage.

Believer,

You are right, some of the people onboard here have already said to divorce her. That is the last thing in the world I am going to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good for you. Please accept my humble gratitude for serving our country in her time of need. Please tell your shipmates that the American people are very grateful for their service.

Now, have you been reading here? Please read on the home page "quick clicks" about how an affair should end, overcoming resentment, restoration, and reconciliation.

Prepare yourself for the worst. WS's (wandering spouses) are like completely different people, not the people we married. I always compare it to the movie "The Invasion of the Bodysnatchers". They look the same, talk the same, but their soul is gone.

<small>[ February 22, 2004, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Believer,

Thank you for your support not only for my ongoing issues with my W, but for supporting our American Sailors, Marines, Airmen and Soldiers. It is very comforting to know how the American People support us being out here. I will read the "Quick Clicks" as soon as I can get a break from work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RaceFan8:
<strong> She keeps telling me that he would never cross the line of breaking our marriage up. I don't really agree with that. I have a trust problem with this guy. I completely trust my wife though.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Baloney! My WW told me the same thing about OM.
Now they are lovers and she has moved out so she can easily be in contact with him. They are soulmates or some such thing.

Why do you trust your wife? It sounds like she has shown herself to be untrustworthy.

Up until now she has not given me a reason for not trusting her. She has been and in some ways still very up front about everything. Nothing like this has ever come up in almost 12 years of marriage and almost 14 years of being together. We have always been happy or so I have though. And to make matters worse, I got an e-mail from my mom today that said that our son crashed his bike into a street sign and woke up last night vomitting and saying that his sternum hurts. My W took him to the ER and thankfully he is okay, but has a viral infection. The bad part is that our phone lines on this god forsaken boat are down because we are not in sattalite range so I can't call and check on him. This will be just another thing for her to get mad at me for. I will be able to call her in a couple days though and I will be home shortly after that. As for my situation, I have no idea how to handle it once I do get home. Part of me thinks that I am over reacting and part of me doesn't. I hear about other guys/girls on the boat having problems and sometime I let my mind wonder. I have lost sleep over this whole thing, I don't eat, thankfully when we do pull into a port I don't go out and get drunk, although I did get drunk in our last port. I guess I am not your typical sailor. Any advise from anyone will be greatly appreciated. I know it sounds like I am nieve about the whole thing, but I have never had to deal with anything like this before.