I'm having trouble trying to understand if trying to expose the affair at this point in my game is going to help. (I wrote before on JFO board-delicate timing). My WH insists that we just have to move on. He's not out in the open with the affair (because it started before we "moved on"). But I have told his stepmother, his sisters, the people he works with. I told some of his friends (his best friend is no longer speaking with me and siding with WH). But this doesn't seem to be doing much to help. Why isn't it helping???
(I am also trying to get in contact with OWH, but they're separated.)
He just keeps to himself and stays away from everyone. No one will say anything to him.
I haven't even said anything to him directly about what I know now that he's moved out.

InHishands,

It sounds like you have done all the exposing you can do with the exception of contacting her H. That could be a great help. How do you know they are separated?

In the meantime, I would just work real hard on trying to meet your H's needs and avoid all lovebusters. Look for any and every opportunity to attract him back to you. After you have done that for a while, you can go to Plan B.

But...it won't happen overnight and it sounds like you have some work ahead of you.

It's a convoluted mess over here in Happyland. The OW has relatives here though she's out of town. Gossip told me they separated, I haven't said anything to her close relatives, afraid they're on her side. I'm afraid I'll hear that these things happen, she was unhappy and he was unhappy...

I actually think I'm more in Plan B anyway and maybe should stop trying anything... He's out of the house and he thinks this is what he wants. I think the two are just waiting longer to come out with it to make it seem all innocent. Besides, she lives two hours away, so it'll be awhile before they can get anything squared away on living arrangements or whatever if that's where they're headed.

I have stopped meeting his needs in the bedroom, because I can't stand to feel like I'm being used. He's slept with her during that time and I just can't do that anymore.

I don't feel I could very well go back to that even if I think I didn't do a good enough Plan A.

There's no such thing as a "good enough" Plan A. That's not the point. The point is:

- Expose the affair (you've done that)
- Confront the affair (I suspect you've done that)
- Meet needs for as long as you can (you did that)
- End LBs (you're probably fine there, too)

Next stop: Plan B. You might as well get on the train now.

Inhishand,

How do you handle all these. I think I am in very similar situation as yours. But my mood and feelings are killing me. I feel so unbearable when he's gone, especially gone without a trace. I can't stop crying. Its been like this for more than a month. I don't know how long I can hang in there.

Just J -
Yeah, I'm on the train, some days I just want to get off though.

And it really never ends. I wrecked the car about two weeks ago and he was working on fixing it (we have no money). He told me it'd be $100 for parts. I finally got the money together and gave it to him yesterday. Then today (Sunday) he's driving it around! When did you fix it, I ask. He gets angry and says it doesn't matter when he fixed it. I told him to calm down, that he didn't tell me anything.

But I was very angry that he fixed it and didn't tell me until I gave him the money. I hate this, I don't think quick enough. I suppose next time I have to ask for a receipt...

lostnhurt -
Yes, I think we're in a similar situation. I read your other posts and HopelessinNY's, too. Thought maybe we were in the same part of the country, but you said you're not in NY?

My advice regarding feelings is to let them out. Cry, cry, cry, cry. It may seem like you'll never stop, but you will. It will hurt like a physical pain, but then it'll feel better for awhile.

My sister came and stayed with me for about a week at the end of Dec. During her stay, I had had a particularly bad night. I got up the next morning and jumped in the shower and just sobbed and sobbed. I was begging God to help me.

I cried it all out and started feeling better almost right away. Meanwhile my sister had awakened and was in the kitchen. By the time I dressed and came out, I started singing a little tune. My sister looked at me and said "Is this the same woman that was in the shower just now?" She had heard it all.

I'm telling you, crying is good for you. That certainly wasn't the last time I cried, but I always know now that for as bad as I might feel then, I'll feel better later. No matter what happens with our marriage, we have to grieve over what we've lost already.

So... did you tell him you were angry? Calmly, courteously, and respectfully?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No, Just J, I didn't tell him I was angry.

You're not the first to suggest I tell him these things, but I don't understand how that will help anything???

What good will it do? It will be honest. And why's that important? Because one of the key pillars of marriage is emotional honesty.

Which means TELLING him when you're hurt or angry, and then backing off and letting that seep in.

Not telling him what to do about it, not saying you think he should change his ways or do things differently.

Just saying that it hurts and you wish he'd stop.

Powerful statement, that, but in a slow, subtle, hard-to-understand way.