Hi
I decided to post your own thread here. Answering your post to me, this way I think you can get better attention and more help.
I'm going to post this on english for 2 reasons and I hope you don't mind. First, we are on an english spoken forum here, and I think that way, as many people who can read it and understand it if they wish to give help you will get several and more different oppinions on your issues that way. I strongly advice you to do that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Second, I can certainly understand that sometimes is better communicate on our native languages and when you know someone that knows your native language you get happy about it, but I don't think is a good idea to follow that SPECIALLY here, and it seemed to me you don't have english problems.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Nosotros somos de alla y venimos de una epoca cuando la pureza en el matrimonio era valuada por encima de todo. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to MB fellow countryman! I hope this site becomes a life saver, M saver and a relationships saver for you as it is for me. I don't know from what times you came from, but I can certainly assure you, moral and and purity are still very valued on a M here. So that much has not changed. Maybe we live in more modern times, but values are those and they have not changed that much.. have they?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ella siempre decia que jamas perdonaria una traicion. Lo cual yo entendia pero no me preocupaba porque en mi mente lo tenia muy claro que uno jamas hace tal dan~o al ser amado. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why me? I also said I would never forgave a treason, for me an A was more than enough reason to go straight to D, and look were I'm now. I didn't gave much tought on that, because in my past I had some relationships before my H. That helped me to commit on my vows and knew what to expect from it. Besides, I don't think it would be good to go to another relationship meanwhile my needs were met at home, nothing new to learn there so what is the point right? Obviously, that was not a point for my H but that is another issue.
About someone not doing that damage to the loved ones, well Why me? I wish I had an answer for that. I believe that my H and maybe it would be the case for your wife, he loved both of us. Each one of us met some needs of him, he needed both to be happy. And sadly but truth, sometimes we don't do the best of choices regarding loved ones, that unintentinally those lead to hurt a loved one. Sometimes is selfishness, but other times is just poor chosing, not that you don't love, we are only human...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Para mi ella lo era todo pero el asunto ese lo cambio todo. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well also for me my H and my family meant it all, and when I found out, all my world shattered to pieces. The A changed it all as well, but you just have to sit and think deep why? What is God trying to teach you with this? I believe that yes it has bring much pain and hurt, but I accepted that as a good thing. I don't know if it wasn't for this I would have changed and neither my H, so meanwhile I'm taking this for better. It's not easy at all, no one said it would be, and for me not even trying would mean failure, but you both have to be deep commited on trying to rebuild, if not is not going to work.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ella si dice sentir arrepentimiento pero creo que despues q' se dio de cuenta q' se burlaron de ella. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More important than she said, is what she does. Is she acting repenant? And the reason, is that really important? I don't think you are going to have a good reason on why the A if ever. You are going to listen to many over time, for sure I have heard a lot. It doesn't matter if she said this after she realized she has been fooled. It's obvious her needs were not met by you, and well for sure it would be awesome to listen her saying she is repenant because she loves you more than nothing and all that, but trully, don't wait on that now. Her love bank was draining and you need to work your butt out on filling it again, Are you reading MB principles?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Honestamente no se q' promesas le habra hecho el porque ella no dice nada. Pero al yo hablar con el, el fue muy claro al decir que para el fue solo una aventura mas pero que ella lo inicio y sus actitudes no eran nada decorosas (eso duele oirlo). En cierto modo ella si dijo que tubo gran culpa y q' era quien lo empezo a llamar.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn it really matter the promises OM gave to your wife? That is an A!!! Fantasy land! Your wife was fooled, played by this OM, she felt for it, she told you that. About her not disclossing the A, well my H hasn't also most of it, and like I said I'm not sure I want to know it all. In your case, it seems to me, from what I'm reading, you have a hard time forgiving, your wife also might see this and don't want to cause you more pain that she already has, and also, with telling you things, she knows you can make more movies in your head, and that is NOT good in your case. Stop those movies, you know? Your worse enemy is your mind, I can assure you, those movies are a lot worse in your mind than it really happened. THEY ARE NOT helping! Run from the thing that don't help you or your M and yes that includes the movies. It's your choice.
About her initiating the A, well for sure it hurts, and her attitudes, well what can you wait on? It was an A! accept it with all the facts that it imply, it was a game played with 2 players. If your wife pushed it, again I would rush to plan A FAST! Didn't it tell you nothing? her LB is drained, and IT IS YOUR JOB to fill that up!!! DO IT! The past is the past! stop dwelling on it, what you do NOW is what matters.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Perdon por el comentario de q puede pensar un hombre en latinoamerica, tengo en claro que eres una dama. Mi problema es que vivimos fuera de latinoamerica en una sociedad muy permisiva donde todo es valido y el perdon es parte de todo. Pero siendo criados alla, nuestro punto de referencia es esa cultura. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Apology accepted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I don't think your problem is that you live in a more open society . As you said, your education was made in a more "closed one", and that is what matters, where your values were formed, or what you think those are. Also I don't know where you live now, I assume USA. But also, I don't think it's a matter of values of the society there, for sure they are got different views on some things, but the A issue is not a value here or there, or is allowed or viewed more openly. As a proof, just look at all the people who is struggling with this and only here on MB, didn't that shows different?. I think that your problem is that you were not meeting the needs of your wife, simple, don't try to see explanations were there are none. Accept that, and work over that. You are 50% responsible for creating the climate for the A to be possible, have you really assumed your part on this? But the choice to have it was 100% hers. So work on your issues, let her work on hers.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Antes de esto, un familiar femenino q paso por eso al preguntarle porque toleraba esas cosas, respondio "una es mujer y tiene que ignorar muchas cosas". Eso me dio tristeza. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well that is too sad. I know that is a way of thinking of many womens here, that we had to tolerate it all no matter what. But ok let me give you another view ok? My view... Why I tolerate this? Well I think I didn't! LOL, right after I found out I throwed my H out...tolerate is not the word. In the begining, I didn't knew what to do or how to deal with it... Now, I'm still here, because I believe in my M, and my H. I think we can do better even after this wreck. MB and many friends told me that and I'm fighting for it. I want a better M, I believe is possible even after this, that is why I'm fighting for. Not because I have to be here no matter what, but because I want better!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Pienso que el honor y el respeto no reconocen genero y son cosas que se ganan. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also think that honor and respect are things you have to gain, and they don't depend on genders. But well both our spouses lost that, that is one reason why they allowed themselfs to have an A... what are you willing to do to gain it back?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> En consejeria, lo primero que oi es perdon, cosa que ya he practicado en varias ocasiones con ella por situaciones parecidas que no llegaron a lo fisico y yo le creo. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well goo you have practiced forgiving to your wife before, you are going to need that tool more than ever now! Use it. It seems to me you have not truly forgave her, of course it's early still and I'm not sure you are working towards recovering.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Con respecto al abuso e insultos, no ha sido solo durante su asunto sino ocurria desde antes pero se acentuo mas.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Red flag! You both have to address abuse and insults right now! Those are really LB's! They do not help you, her or your M, you know the concept of insanity right?
Doing the same things ans specting different results. I ask you now, have any of you changed this behaviours? if not, how would you like to spect changes? insane!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Mi pregunta original era con respecto a su opinion de como reaccionaria un hombre en Vzla. Entiendo que el dolor que se siente es muy grande donde sea sin importar raza, religion o cultura (con exepcion de culturas poligamicas).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Based on only culture, well you have lived here, you know this society is very manly driven, so how would a man react to this? 2 ways I think, one leave the wife or had an A on his own, the other if he is really smart, try to understand why it happened, and address his issues that made it possible.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Mi experiencia con consejeros ha sido frustrante. Primero vimos a un hombre el cual lo primero que hizo fue decir que si ella hizo eso, yo tenia la culpa (Que absurdo!). Pienso que he sido un buen esposo, atento, amoroso, de hogar, y sin pasado oscuro. El segundo fue una mujer de conviccion cristiana, y la filosofia es voltear la otra mejilla. Total que quede en las mismas.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorru your experience with counselors hasn't been the best ones. The first one was a b@ast@rd sorry, you were not guilty of that, hehe I also heard that but from my family UGH hadr huh? anyway, you have to be mature enought to understand your part on this, again do a deep soul searching on you and address the issues you think or the things that your wife tells you were the ones that made her vulnerable, but the choice was hers. PLAN A!!!PLAN A!!!PLAN A!!!
The other one I think it good she was Christian, and her advice I don't know it was the best or not, but keep looking for a good one were both of you feel confortable, this is a long bumpy road, are you willing to go on that challenge? Commit with all it takes, read again ^Arks^ analogy to me, it's the best one, the hardest is yet to come!.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Espero que tu situacion mejore lo cual parece estar ocurriendo. Saludos. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you, I also hope your situation becomes better, but for it to be that way you both have to work on that!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Nikko, I am sorry. It was meant for Matilde since there were some specific questions and comments to her suggestions. I guess I am trying to get help from her rather than offer useful advice since it seems she is well on her way to recovery, which I hope happens. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I'm not that sure I'm into the road towards recovery, we are still not together, and we have to do a lot of the work yet and address many issues, besides, I'm rather new on this road, so this is is also and advice from me to you.
Look for help and on posts from mens here. A few I consider good are and in no particular order, Just Learning, Silverthorn, Foreverhers and TooMuchCoffeeman to name a few, ask help from them! They are good, and they are men, wich is also an advice from MB ppl, we are still in muddy waters here, and we don't want to complicate things if you can read between the lines.
Take good care, and I truly hope your M gets better.
