much, much better

much, much better

Wise,

Now you are talking. Get this to your wife ASAP. And then my next advice is to SHUT UP! Sorry to be so harsh, but now that you have explained this to her, you need to be quiet for awhile.

Let her vent, call you names...even not talk to you. Let her cry, say she wants a divorce, and then turn around and cry in your arms again. Let this soak in. It will take a little while.

You see, there are things she needs to work on. Things she should have done in the marriage. But NOW IS NOT THE TIME! If she had just lost her mother to cancer and was grieving her, would you be standing behind her saying she should have spent more time with her? No. You would be holding her and letting her grieve.

She is grieving. She needs this time. If you play your cards right (and the court thing was a great start) and you just be there for her, then soon, she will come around and the two of you can go to counseling together and address those issues.

Right now...you just be there for that woman.

In His arms.

Thanks,

I drew that up from the advice I've gotten so far. Any suggestions as far as content? Should I go more into how I've learned my how my issues played into our marital ones? Or leave it at the way I put it?

-2soon

Leave it alone. You did good. Now give it her and be quiet. Give this woman some time. She will be full of anger. But then she will be full of questions. Answer them truthfully and completely. Do not even make her think that you are holding back. Keep the attention on you and the affair. Let her process that first.

You see, no matter how wrong she might have been in her actions as a wife, once you committed the affair, her actions (or lack thereof) became irrelevent. The only thing that matters right now is your poor choices.

Do you want this marriage? Or do you want to be right? We all know that this didnt happen in a vacuum and that your wife has her own work to do. But she cannot hear that right now while she is in pain. Give her some time. Keep the focus on you, on your mistakes, on your love for her and your repentence.

And you just might get that chance to be right AND married!

In His arms.

Firstly I would like to applaud you for making the effort to truly explain things to her.

The thing is, if I had recieved that letter, i would see distinct overtones of excuse-making. Im sure you have been through a hard time in your life, but many people have also and these past experiences do not justify affairs. Thats just my opinion, as i was brought up that way.

Despite your saying that you would rather write a letter, you do need to sit down and talk with her tonight. Give her the letter, leave the room for a few minutes and then talk about it. You need to promise her that you will answer any questions she might have honestly. DO NOT BLAME HER. She is also probably going to want specifics. Give her them, because if you hide anything from her or lie, recovery will be impossible.

To reaffirm what others have said, you have been a stupid, selfish b@$t@rd. There is no getting away from that. But you can change, for her and your marriage. You must refuse to be a slave to your past any more, and concentrate on the present and the consequences of your own action.

Sorry if that was a bit harsh, sending my love.

Ok,

KS2001 mentioned it and I guess I want to hear form BS's and maybe WS's on this. Does my letter sound like I'm making excuses for whats happened? I do not want to have it sound this way. I want my BS to see and believe that this is how I sincerely feel. After finding MB and learning what I've learned, both here and in IC I feel that the explanation I've come up with is as close to the truth as the truth itself.

I do not want her to perceive that I'm trying to make excuses or that I'm being disingenuious. I've said it once and I'll say it again, I suck at communicating. I'm trying to communicate what I believe is the why of my A. I'm trying to do this without bringing any issues into the discussion that don't lie on my side of the fence. This is not an excuse letter. It is a letter to tell a person who's life has been destroyed why the person they trusted most did what they did.

Please, comment away....

-2soon

I guess KS will have to answer that. I dont really see it.

Your wife asked for "Why." a simple "I was stpid" wont do, although it is a great start. Why do I say that wont do? Because if you were just stupid, then what says you wont be stupid again? How can she trust that?

No. She wants answers. She wants the "why" you were stupid. She wants to know if you can even be trusted in the future. Are these answers to the "why" able to be fixed? Or are they permanent in you? These are the questions she wants to know.

To simply say I was stupid and selfish is to not answer her question. It is obvious to everyone you were stupid and selfish (I really am not beating up on you here...really!!). Why did you do it? Why did you not come to her? What is it inside you that allowed you to cross that boundary? What conditions led you to think that this was a good idea at the time?

You see, if childhood problems, etc are behind this, then your wife can see where improvement can be made (counseling, etc). if you are just an idiot...what improvement is there?

I think you answered her initial question well. I think there will be more questions to follow though, as she works thru this.

But again, maybe KS sees something I dont.

In His arms.

kit you said...

If hear you correctly, 2 years from now, if the M isn't meeting your needs and you both have contributed, you sound like you will justify to yourself having another A. After all, that's what happens when 2 people contribute to conditions that cause that.

well that's pretty much what the whole premise of this program is about....except the justifying part...

and he's not voluntaringly attempting to justify his actions to his wife...(WS ALSO)..she asked him...and thinking it outloud here should be a good thing...even in the tweeking stage...
and I think wise2 is doing a great job at looking at and processing for the first time perhaps ever in his marriage, his own actions in this mess..

I fail to see where attacking him personally will serve any purpose....

WS, BS, and even OP in good faith should be able to find it somewhat safe to post here....especially when working through these things...

dang wise2 you are taking a beating here today...
and remember..she did ask...and you are trying to answer...and there for she is responsible for some of the creation of a safe environment for you to answer her questions if she really wants to hear from you...

carry on...you are getting good advice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
this has been an opionionated public service announcement....
ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">selfish b@$t@rd </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bit harsh aren't we?

He was selfish, he made poor choices and he seriously hurt somone he claimed to love.

Guess what that makes him human.

Thanks for the advice all. I gotta say that I appreciate the harshness sometimes as it jars me back to reality. I do not deny at all that I'm on a emotional roller coaster form hell.

I'm going to give her the letter as it is written as I feel it at least is a starting point. I will do my best to keep MB concepts in my thinking when I am out there and she reads it. I plan on letting her read it and then allowing her to comment on it or ask questions.

Please Pray for me.

-2soon

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

I apologise for my selfish B reference, it was not a personal attack.

I agree with Kit, as your wife, she undoubtedly already knows about your issues from the past and how they have affected you in various areas of your life. I seriously doubt she would accept this as a valid reason for an A in her current state of mind, nor should she.

Wise2, I really admire the effort you have made for your wife and marriage in considering this answer so carefully. Be sure to use this thoughtfulness and consideration in the future, to be sure you never end up in this situation again!

I hope everything goes well with the letter tonight, and be sure that we are all in great suspense for your next post. You will always find support here.

I really feel for your wife, what sort of a mother tells a grieving daughter that you deserve it. Why would she say such a thing.

Your poor poor wife. How must she feel, betrayed by her husband and no support from her own mother.

I think that is so sad. Maybe I have misunderstood, because I just can't believe any mother could be so callous.
C&S

Very good point there, c&s, and one that I believe has been overlooked today. She needs support and for you to understand the pain she is going through at the moment. It may be a good idea for her to write you a letter tomorrow.