Hi all,

I have no idea what plan we are in anymore. WH says he is committed to me and our marriage yet freely admits the commitment is tenuous at best. He has called the OW numerous times to tell her that they can't be in contact anymore (NC is not an option until June, so we are trying to negotiate a "minimal necessary contact for a limited time" approach).

He has been reading HNHN and now has a list of the needs I have never met for him (our marriage was a "dog's breakfast" according to him) and makes it sound as though the only way he will be able to stay away from OW is if I return to our home and work my a** off to meet his needs. He says he wants to spend the time meeting my needs as well, but right now I have told him that the only EN that matters to me is the stability that comes from him honestly breaking off contact with OW. Yet my commitment is being called into question because I refuse to rush to his side to keep him from giving into temptation....

He says that his commitment will never grow unless we are physically together (since recreational companionship and SF are high on his list of ENs). I have offered the option of one long weekend together a month until June (I have to fly across the country to do this) plus constant online/phone contact in order to help him live up to his commitment to me and to minimal contact with OW. Then when he is able/willing to go NC in June, I will move back and we can begin to recover.

He is quite frustrated with me and suggests that I am the reason this marriage is not moving forward. He accuses me of LBing and doing a bad Plan A and that "it's all about the Love Bank, baby" meaning I need to get my butt in there and start putting deposits back into mine or he will have no choice but to leave me for OW since I refused to "work on it."

Am I crazy for thinking that my physical presence should not be required for him to break off his A? Am I asking too much? Is it wrong to expect a bit of penitence and a desire to meet my missing ENs when I feel I have been quite clear in accepting responsibility for what I have done or not done in respect to his? How long can I continue to subject myself to this much hurt and frustration? (And all this while we are apparently "in recovery")

Thanks,

alice